HI PEOPLE! MERRY CHRISTMAS AND STUFF! HRHRHR.
Okay, that random greeting aside, this oneshot is for my beautiful, wonderful, super duper (hrrrr) Emelee. She's like...the love of my life, I swearz it! -flails- BUT SHE'S MINE AND YOU CAN'T HAVE HER! Anyways, I wanted to get her something special, but am hopelessly broke and figured it would be somehow meaningful to use what little talents I DO have to write her something she'd never forget and want to read again and again.
Sadly, I wrote this super angsty thing instead xD Remember how many times we've almost killed Axel, Ems? Well...ahem... -shifty eyes- just read it, lol!
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Not even the song that inspired this (which was One Last Wish by James Horner...you know, the theme from the first and only GOOD Casper movie?)
It was that time of year again. That time when the nights grew longer, colder. When snow fell and sparkled like dancing glitter on the ground. Families grew strangely closer, more fondness between friends and the like. That time of year when you didn't need an excuse to eat as many sweets as you could get your hands on.
That time of year known as Christmas.
Everyone was nicer, happier and joyous. Well…almost everyone.
For one individual, this holiday's arrival brought nothing but angry, bitter tears. A cold, harrowing sorrow.
For Demyx, Christmas wasn't a time for celebration…it was a time for grieving. Grieving for the lost love he'd once had. That warm, happy light of his life that had made every day, but especially Christmas, special.
"But you're gone," the blond whispered to himself, along in the now hulking, empty house that screamed in the silence. This would be his first Christmas without his Axel. His beautiful, wonderful, irritating, but impossible not to love, Axel. Last year, the redhead had been rushing home through a storm, at the insistence of Demyx, simply because he'd been afraid of being alone, when…and maybe if he hadn't demanded that Axel come back…if hadn't been so mad after…
Sucking back a sob, Demyx rose to his feet as the oven beeped, signaling that his cookies were done. No…not HIS cookies…Axel's…
"You love your cookies, don't you?" he choked out, slipping on oven mitts before opening the door, the thick, sugary smell much heavier in the air as it rushed out with the wave of heat. "You always say mine are the best…" even now, as he set the tray on the counter and began to meticulously put them in a large bowl, Demyx could hear Axel walking in the front door. After all, this was the time he came home every night. He could still see those green eyes light up as his lanky frame stood in the doorway. Could still hear those endearing curse words as the redhead burned his fingers.
Could still hear his voice as he said:
"Damn it, those are hot!" Axel muttered, sucking on his fingers.
He smiled weakly as the scene played out like an old, favorite movie he'd long ago memorized. Inhaling a shaky breath, Demyx cleared his throat, voicing aloud the words he could hear himself saying in the memory.
"Well…they're fresh silly…of c-course they're hot…"
Axel smiled at him, that goofy smile without a hint of his usual grin. "But they're so yummy, Dem…like you."
His voice began to tremble, though in the memory it was still strong and amused. "A-Axel…you never change…"
"Ah, but that's why you love me." He said so confidently, walking over to wrap his arms around the blond's waist.
Demyx felt the tears finally slip free as he swore he could feel Axel's arms. His warmth. That spicy, cinnamon-y smell tickling his nose. "I DO love you…so much…" he breathed out as the playback faded, leaving him alone in the empty, cold kitchen. The lights weren't even on.
Sighing shakily, Demyx left the cookies on the counter, walking slowly up the stairs, one step at a time, the weight on his heart growing as he ascended higher.
Reaching the top, he paused, hand still resting on the handrail, eyes taking in the hallow rooms. Everything quiet now that he was gone. It'd been a year almost, but Demyx still couldn't believe any of it had happened.
He finally went into their bedroom. If he closed his eyes, he could still picture Axel sprawled across the bed, like every Christmas morning when Demyx got up early to make breakfast. The room was the same as it had been the morning Axel had left. His half-read book still resting on his side of the bed, all of his clothes still hanging in the closet.
Walking over to the set of double-doors, Demyx pulled one side open, inhaling deeply as the still lingering scent of his lover greeted him. Reaching out, he pulled down one of Axel's favorite sweaters, slowly sinking to the floor. Sniffling as quietly as he could, he hugged the green, knitted cloth to his chest, burying his face in it as the tears came again. Rocking gently back and forth, he cried. Cried until he felt sick from the sorrow, the sobs shaking him.
"I miss you…" he whispered brokenly. "I…" and then he dissolved into tears again. It was all his fault…
He finally recovered somewhat after another bout of crying. Enough to stand and put up the sweater again with a quiet sniff, closing the closet door. And as he got ready for bed, Demyx had to stop and think about the past year. How he'd rejected his family and friends because they all told him to let go of Axel. That he had to move on. He couldn't just LET Axel go. Couldn't just…forget.
"No…I'll never forget. You wouldn't just give up on me." Putting his toothbrush back up, Demyx went to crawl into bed, staring at the most recent picture of him and Axel at his bedside. Both of them smiling, though they were looking at each other, instead of the camera. The happiness both comforted him and tore him up all over again.
"Tomorrow is Christmas," he said quietly to the picture, tears beginning to blur his vision again. Would he never stop crying? "We always spend Christmas together…even when we were just kids…I can't believe that you're not here for this one…I didn't even get to say goodbye…D-did you even know how much I loved you?"
The picture didn't answer and Demyx hitched in a breath, turning off the light and settling under the covers. Lately, he'd noticed how Axel's scent had been fading. What was he going to do when he didn't even have THAT little bit of him left?
Swallowing past the lump forming in his throat, Demyx stared at the shadows of snowflakes falling slowly down the wall. Eventually, his eyes closed and he drifted off. He hated falling asleep…in his dreams, Axel was alive and they were happy again…
But every morning he woke up to his painful new reality.
-hushdon'tcry,youdon'thavetosufferinthissilencealone-
Demyx awoke with a start, noting that it was still night-time. Why had he woken up? He couldn't remember now…but it had seemed so important at the time. Looking around the room again, seeing that it was nearing midnight, he was just starting to lay back down when a shuffle from downstairs had him shooting back up again.
Someone was in the house? He felt so exposed and vulnerable without Axel…being alone with an intruder? Taking a deep breath, he slid out of the bed, picking up the nearest thing he could use as a weapon, which happened to be his slipper. Demyx did his best to be brave, carefully making his way down the hall and then the stairs, willing his sweats and nightshirt to not make a sound as he moved.
Once he reached the ground floor, he paused to listen for that sound again, heart pounding almost too loudly in his head to hear at all. When he didn't hear or see anything, he began to wonder if maybe he'd imagined it all. Sighing, he decided to get a glass of water before returning to bed.
As he filled a cup and took a drink, someone whispered his name and made the blond jump with a squeak. Dropping the glass to the floor, hearing it shatter as he whirled around, holding up the slipper like a weapon, only to freeze at who he saw there.
"Easy there, tiger…you could kill someone with that…from laughter." The redhead teased, holding his hands up.
"A-Axel…?" he couldn't believe his eyes. Axel was standing right in front of him, in their kitchen, as if nothing had happened. "You…but…I thought…" he dropped the slipper, reaching out a shaky hand. When his fingers just came in contact with warm, soft skin, Demyx lost all thought and dignity, throwing himself into Axel's arms and crying out of sheer happiness and relief. "I knew there had to be a mistake! I just KNEW it!"
Axel laughed softly, his arms loosely wrapping around the blond's shaking shoulders. "I wish I could say you were right, Dem…" he mumbled, hugging Demyx close for a moment.
He leaned away, tear-filled eyes wide. "Y-you…you mean this…isn't real?"
Smiling, Axel shook his head slowly. "Nope. Sorry."
"But—''
"It's just a dream, Demyx."
"A…dream?"
"Yeah…you know, that thing you do when you're asleep? Brain entering a state of temporary insanity? A dream."
"I…no…it can't be! You're really here! You're warm, and real, and…and…"
"Demyx…" the gentle, reprimanding way the redhead said his name made Demyx lift his head again.
"No…" He whispered. "You can't really be gone…you can't…"
"Sad to say, I am. This is all in your crazy little head," Sniffing, Axel's eyes widened a bit as they moved to a spot behind the blond. "Oh hey, cookies!" he let go of Demyx, leaving the confused boy to pluck a cookie from the bowl, taking a bite and closing his eyes as he savored it. "Mmm…damn, your cookies always were the best…"
He whirled around to face the apparition of his late boyfriend. "How…how can all of this be a dream?" he demanded. "Can you do any tricks to prove that I'm dreaming?"
Sighing, Axel set the half-eaten cookie aside, returning to the stubborn blond. "No, Demyx, I can't. And I don't have time to argue. I'm only here to give you a message."
"W-what message?"
Placing his hands softly on Demyx's shoulders, Axel stared intently into his eyes. "You have to let it go, Dem."
"Wha…not you too! I can't! I just can't, don't you understand? If I do, then you're really gone!" He choked back a sob, hanging his head. "How am I supposed to do this without you?"
"Demyx…no offense, but it's a bit pathetic that you cry every day over me. That you've made our bedroom a veritable SHRINE in my memory. Flattering as it is…it's just…creepy."
"But it's all my fault!" he cried, holding onto Axel as tightly as he could.
Axel held him back, that familiar, comforting hand smoothing down his back. "Shh…no it's not."
"B-but…but if I hadn't insisted…and I was mad at you! You were dying out there and I was mad at you because you weren't here and I'm sorry! I'm so sorry." Demyx sobbed out.
"You're so silly," Axel murmured. "Demyx…if it's anyone's fault, it's mine for loving you enough to come when you needed me."
"But I—''
"Shh…" Axel pulled away, still smiling gently. "I'm running out of time, Dem…so you need to promise me you'll let this go."
"I can't forget about you! I won't !"
"Who said anything about forgetting?" the redhead laughed softly before his face went sober. "Don't ever forget, Dem…but you have to let me go now…you have your whole life ahead of you. You still have our friends and families who love and worry about you."
"Axel, I…I just…can't," Demyx said in defeat, holding on tighter.
"You have to. If not for them, then for me, Demyx. I'd hate myself forever if I knew you always stayed sad because of me."
Demyx sighed raggedly, looking up into warm, loving green eyes he'd missed so much, inhaling that distinct scent as much as he could, trying to take it in and keep it. "I just…love you so much…it hurts to say goodbye…"
"Believe me," Axel replied, reaching up to carefully wipe away a tear beginning to slide down Demyx's face. "That I understand completely."
"I-if I say goodbye then…then it's all too real. It's forever. I won't even have that false hope that it's all just a bad dream…"
Axel smiled again, his eyes darkening. "No, baby…it's not forever. And you know I'll always be with you, sappy as that sounds. Here," he poked Demyx's forehead, making the other frown. "And especially here," his hand came down to rest over a fluttering heart. "Okay?"
"Okay…" Demyx finally agreed, his voice hardly audible as the clock began its twelve chimes for midnight.
"I'm sorry to say that I'm out of time…so I guess this is goodbye…for now, anyways."
Nodding slowly, Demyx forced the words out, though his voice broke. "Y-yeah…goodbye Axel…I love you."
"I know, Demyx. I love you, too." He leaned closer, pressing their lips together in the tenderest kiss they'd ever shared. "And Merry Christmas, baby."
Smiling up at him, Demyx felt more tears fall, but simple nodded again. Axel just watched him, silent, and Demyx knew what he had to do…so he let go, arms falling to his sides as he watched Axel slowly fade away, still grinning.
"Merry Christmas, Axel." He whispered, watching as that smirk faltered somewhat, a single tear sliding down his pale face, falling as a solitary snowflake once the redhead was completely gone with the last fading bell of midnight.
Holding out his hand, Demyx caught the delicate snowflake, sniffling as it quickly melted. But instead of feeling loss, he felt…relief. Relief and an indescribable warmth.
-soopenyoureyesandlearnhowtobreathe,it'snotsohard-
Demyx jerked awake, shooting up in bed and glancing confusedly around the room. Had that…all just been a dream? He hopped out of bed and ran downstairs…but there was no broken glass. All the cookies were still untouched.
Feeling a sense of sadness, Demyx shuffled back upstairs to the bedroom, pulling a few boxes from under the bed. And this time, when he opened the closet door, it wasn't to cry in unfairness or insurmountable sorrow, but in remembrance. And though it was hard, he went through and lovingly folded all of Axel's clothes into the boxes, closing them and putting them all up on the high shelf above the rack.
"It's not to forget," he told himself, smiling a little as he stared up at the boxes. "But to remember."
He shut the closet with a sigh, leaning his back against it, letting his eyes fall closed as a weight lifted from his shoulders…and his heart.
Getting dressed, Demyx went downstairs and made hot chocolate, humming to himself as he took the cookies into the living room. Axel wouldn't like them going to waste, now would he? Chuckling, he took one, nibbling at it as he watched the Christmas parade on TV, finally deciding to call his family and closest friends. They were all relieved to hear from him and promised to be over for dinner that evening for a big celebration of the holiday Demyx no longer saw as horrible.
As he hung up after his last call, Demyx looked out the window and smiled to himself. He would always love Axel, would always miss him terribly and, yes, he knew that some of the days to come would be a bit harder to bear than others…but as Axel said in his dream, if that had even been Axel and not just his own subconscious, he'd always be around in his own way.
And Demyx promised them both that from now on, he would do his best to live, love and just be happy for them both…sappy as that sounded.
Axel's distinct laughter filled his head, warming his heart, and Demyx couldn't keep back his own giggle, helping himself to another cookie.
-has long ago killed herself from the sheer sappyness and failure of so much cliches-
Alrighty then. This was written for Emelee, but hey, since I've procrastinated for so long, this can also be a general gift for those of you who were too lazy to give me any specifics! xD LiquitorLatinae, yours is on the way (though it may be after christmas before I get it up -lolz at the suggestion-)
Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, eh, whatever, have a good one peoples xD
-Ramen