(lights fade in to an obviously cheap set, where Holly and Artemis stand behind a counter, both wearing loud seasonal clothing.)
Holly : (big fake smile) Hello! And welcome to Christmas Consumers Products Live! I'm your host, Holly Short, and today we have with us the criminal teenage mastermind Artemis Fowl!
Audience: (applause)
Artemis: Holly, please use proper grammar.
Holly: Er…
Artemis: One never begins a sentence with the word "and." Also, "er" is not a word.
Holly: -.- (whips out Neutrino 2000 and points at his head)
Artemis: (pales) However, we can always make exceptions….
Holly: (looks satisfied) Good Mud Boy. (puts away gun)
Artemis: So why exactly are we hosting a TV show?
Holly: Because Foaly bet me 300 gold I wouldn't!
Artemis: …so I'm here because…?
Holly: Because I didn't wanna do it by myself.
Artemis: (begins to walk offstage)
Holly: (grabs him) And because I'll give you half the gold if you stay!
Artemis: (sullen) I hate television…
Holly: Okay, two-thirds if you look happy doing it!
Artemis: (plasters fake smile on face) Okay then!
Holly: (turns to camera) Well, today we'll start with a collection of purses from Opal Manufacturing –
Foaly: (leaps out from behind cameras) OPAL!!!! AAHHHHH!!! (runs around like a maniac)
Holly: (yanks out gun and tranq's Foaly) Trouble, could you please take over the cameras?
Trouble: Ma'am, yes ma'am! (takes Foaly's position)
Holly: Back to the purses. Just look at this stitching! The attention to detail is incredible! And it's so lightweight!
Artemis: (facepalm)
Holly: (sets down purse and picks up coin box) Next on our holiday list is this shiny new collector's box of coins. They're coated in a layer of 24karat gold and----
Artemis: (perks up) Gold? Where? Wheresagold?!!
Holly: (shakes box in his face) Stop drooling, Mud Boy. Anyways,this box is handcrafted --- you can see where the edges overlap---
Artemis: (reaching for box) Who cares about the box? Gimme the gold!
Holly: (puts box away) Uh, I think that's enough of the coins for now. Here we have a pretty camera from Foaly himself. Foaly, maybe you'd like to come up and say a few words about this?
Foaly: (recently regained consciousness) Well, hi everyone! I'm Foaly, the madly talented technician for, uh, the PEL…
Audience: What's the PEL?
Foaly: (nervously) Um…Pretty…Elephant…Longitudinals?
Audience: Ooooh (whispers excitedly)
Holly: (prompting) So, about the camera?
Foaly: Oh, right. So my newest camera, the SLE173, has a 10-gig memory built in. It has a 50-times zoom and a ton of different lighting adjustments so you can find that perfect one. Its internal 10-gig memory can maintain over 15 hours of low-quality footage and over 5 of high-quality. It runs on specially formulated eco-friendly batteries made by me, which with its 10-gig flash memory ---
Artemis: (irritated) Okay, it has 10 gigabytes of memory. Get on with it!
Foaly: (offended) All right, calm down, Mud Boy.
Artemis: Would you all stop calling me that?! My name is Artemis!
Holly: Sorry. It's a habit.
Artemis: (scowl) So the camera is easy to use?
Foaly: Very! Would you like to try it?
Artemis: Sure. (takes picture of Holly)
Holly: Hey! (punches Artemis in the arm)
Foaly: Heh, so my camera's pictures are like a Mud Man time machine. You virtually freeze any moment in time forever.
Holly: (waving arms) Stop the cameras! (punches Foaly) Frond, are you insane?!! Stopping time?!? You know the territory you're getting into?!! Red light!!
Foaly: Good thing the LEP – uh, I mean PEL --- needs me so much.
Holly: (hand strays to gun)
Foaly: (swallows nervously) Of course, I can always just not mention that…
Holly: Good thinking.
Foaly: Also, my camera is able to film the second you open it, so spontaneous footage is always available! You can shoot the family, shoot nature, shoot the animals –
Holly: (is a diehard treehugger) WHAT?! SHOOT THE ANIMALS???!!!!! ARE YOU INSANE??!! WHAT KINDA MESSAGE ARE YOU TRYING TO SEND, HERE?!! (rants)
Foaly: (quails before the wrath of Holly)
Holly: (continues ranting) (pulls out gun and starts shooting randomly)
Foaly and Artemis: (duck behind counter)
Holly: (rage eventually subsides)
Artemis: Eh, Holly?
Holly: Huhh---
Artemis: We have a show to finish as quickly as possible…
Holly: Oh, right! (eyes refocus) That'll be all, Foaly, thanks.
(Foaly leaves stage)
Artemis: What else do we have to show? (praying) Nothing else, please nothing else…
Holly: (whips out a small handheld electronic device) This, ladies and gentlemen, is an electronic photo album! The manufacturers call it a "brag book"! Apparently they're all the rage for Mud Men.
Artemis: Hey!
Holly: Well, it's true. Besides, you have one, don't you?
Artemis: (stammering) Well – yeah – but how do you know that?
Holly: (shifty eyes) Let's just say I have my ways….
Artemis: (sweatdrop)
Holly: (overly interested) So what's in your brag book, Arty?
Artemis: (pales) Oh…uh…nothing of any importance…
Holly: (whips out gun, points it at his head)
Artemis: Okay, just take it! (tosses)
Holly: (turns on, skims through) These are all…of Butler and Juliet…AND ME??!!!
Artemis: (attempts to sneak offstage) BUTLER, HELP ME!!!!
Holly: (turns various shades of red) Where are you getting these --- HEY!! (chases after him)
Artemis: (Holly lands on him) OOF! (she punches him) Ow! Stop punching me! Stop punching!
Butler: (arrives) Master Artemis! What's this? Does this have something to do with all those pictures you took of Holly when she wasn't looking?
Artemis: (weakly, because Holly is choking him) No, not all. (cough)
Butler: Oh. My mistake.. Here, Master Artemis. (gently picks up Holly and places her on the ground some twenty feet away)
Holly: D'Arvit, Artemis, I'm going to kill you!
Foaly: (from behind-the-scene) Ahem, Holly! We have a show to film. You can kill him during the commercial break at the end.
Holly: (calms herself) Fine. (smoothes hair)
Artemis So much is this "brag book"? If anyone wants to buy one…
Holly: (shrugs) I dunno. Do you kow?
Artemis: I don't know; that's why I asked yo—
Holly: (grins) (yelling) HEY! ALERT THE MEDIA! ARTEMIS FOWL THE SECOND, HIGHEST IQ IN EUROPE, DOESN'T KNOW SOMETHING! GET OUT YOUR CAMERAS, PEOPLE! MAYBE I CAN GET HIM TO SAY IT AGAIN! (in a normal voice, to Artemis) Sorry, didn't quite catch that…
Artemis: (facepalm)
Holly: (has attention span of a three-year-old) Well, okay, our last item for you is a state-of-the-art GPS system. It updates every time you use it, for 100% reliability!
Artemis: (raises hand)
Holly: Yes, Artemis?
Artemis: What if you have a bodyguard to drive you everywhere?
Holly: ( -.- ) Not everyone has a bodyguard.
Artemis: Yes, but what if ---
Holly: (interrupting) No! Don't even start!
Artemis: I'm merely trying to express the point that---
Holly: (chucks a dictionary at him) Shut up! SECURITY!
Juliet: (breaks down door) Get 'im, boys!
(hordes of purple flying monkeys with machine guns swoop in and take Artemis out)
Holly: (fake smile replastered) Thank you for joining us at Christmas Consumer Products Live!
(lights fade out to black)
(lights fade back in to Foaly inside the Op's lab)
Foaly: (waves, grins) Thanks for watching and join me again next week here for Foaly's Funniest Coworker Videos!
(lights fade out to black)