Authors: Nutmeg610 and Romanceguru
Warning: Major crack, Minor LOST spoilers up to season 3.
Notes: Kate and Sawyer once played a game of 'I never' during a LOST episode so
we thought a similar scenario would be an ideal opportunity for our favorite
merc and conman to, well, interact.
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The sun had just disappeared behind miles of lonely ocean, nightfall cooling the humid air ever so slightly. This kind of hot Jayne wasn't used too; air so thick you didn't know whether to breath it in or drink it down.
For the most part, it'd been a rutting lousy day. What with almost being et by the gigantic black cloud puff again and the small detail of still being stranded in the middle of no and where.
At present, Jayne was spending his downtime just off the beach getting hammered with some smooth-talking fella, trying forget his ever present bad luck.
They were putting to use the bushel of hootch they'd found in the jungle earlier with a decent drinking game. Now only if there were some whores on this island, Jayne's night would be set.
Relaxing in the sand, the merc settled up against a log and tried to think up something he'd never done before. A minute or so passed by as he squinted at the scruffy guy who's hair was way too long to be considered manly, in Jayne's opinion.
"Okay, never have I ever picked up any disease offa a woman." Jayne finally said with a smirk.
Sawyer's eyes widened just slightly, but then he rolled them and threw back a shot from the tiny airplane bottle of Jack Daniel's. "Ain't like I didn't get over it."
"Suuuure." Jayne answered
Sawyer narrowed his eyes at Jayne, partly because he didn't much like the cocky son of a bitch, but also because he was trying to think up something really good to come back at him with.
Sitting back, confidence reclaimed Sawyer's expression as it came to him.
"Alright, I got one for ya, slick. Never have I ever got my ass kicked by a girl that was 1/8th my size." That ought to do it, Sawyer thought smugly as he poked at the crackling fire. The stuff he learned from the guy doing the shadow puppets the other night was becoming quite useful.
The merc was unfazed as he popped the cap of a mini vodka, he'd already gotten plenty of heat from, well, everyone on the matter. It weren't nothing new.
"Give it some time." Jayne promised as he shook his head and smirked on violent-y memories. Sonny or Sawyer or whatever the hell his name was really had know idea what the girl was capable of. Taking the shot, Jayne swayed slightly as he gestured with empty bottle in hand. "Jus' don't let her near the knives 'er the guns. Oh, an' anythin' that…"
"Alright, alright, I get it." Sawyer dismissed with a wave of his hand. "Stay away from psycho-chick or next game we'll both be drinkin' to the same sad song."
"Right." Jayne muttered, picking up a new bottle. "Let's seeeeeeee... never have I ever..." he paused, looking around and waiting for a thought to hit him.
"Sometime today, Sasquatch."
"Who?" Jayne asked, not getting the reference.
"Never mind, just come up with somethin' already."
"Okay, okay. Uh, never have I ever lost a fair fist fight."
"God dammit." Sawyer muttered, knowing there were more than a few where he didn't come out on top, but only a few. He was going to be drunker than a skunk before the night was through. The big dumb lug was quicker that he looked. Or was he? Ah ha! That was it. "Never have I ever not finished a book, article, essay, you name it." Sawyer affirmed proudly.
"Now wait a gorram minute. You ain't right playin' fair. Don't got no use fer books anyhow, fer what I do." Jayne near pouted. No ruttin' way was this douche going to act all smarter than him, all pretentious and such. Bet he didn't even know the meaning of that word.
"All's fair is fair, Einstein." Sawyer cocked an eyebrow at Jayne. "You ain't getting' yer feelings all hurt on account 'a me, now are ya, weepy?
"What feelin's?" Jayne growled, taking his shot and then rubbing his goatee, trying to come up with something good. And who the hell was Einstein anyhows?
He eyeballed the hun dan smirking up a storm across from him. He was a pretty skinny weakling, compared to Jayne.
"Never have I ever left food on my plate at the end of the meal."
"That the best one you got, corn-on-the-cobb?" Sawyer exclaimed. "Shit, haven't come a cross a man yet that don't scrape his plate clean."
"Well, then, you ain't met the Doc yet, have ya?" Jayne countered.
"Your Doc?" Sawyer questioned. "Said a man, not some candy-ass, pretty boy."
"Huh." Jayne sat back and with a crooked smile. "Mebbe me an' you'll get along jus' fine after all."
Sawyer eyed the larger man warily. "Long as ya don't get in my way, we'll be right as rain."
"Settle yerself down, Sonny." Jayne chided, puffing out his chest a bit, feeling the drink loose in his blood. "Don't git in a man's way 'less he gives me cause ta."
"Sounds fair." Sawyer resigned, it niggling him a little that the guy thought his name was Sonny, but he let it be. "Shall we continue?"
"Yer up." Jayne nodded.
Sawyer was quick and confident with his next proclamation. "Never have I ever had at shell out a pretty penny for a roll between the sheets."
Jayne snickered, proudly guzzling down the rest of the bottle. Once he'd finished, he said, "Womenfolk gotta make a livin' too. Ain't no shame in payin' 'em fer their services."
Sawyer rolled his eyes at that. "Hell I make it my business to take money offa people, not give it to 'em."
Jayne shrugged, still not ruffled by what the man had said. He tried thinking of what he knew about Sawyer, based on general talk around the island, as well as random things River had mentioned that she'd gotten out of his head. If Jayne didn't know any better, he would have thought she was gearing him up to play this little drinking game against the con man; making sure Jayne had plenty of ammo to use against him.
"Alrighty, Blondie. Try this on fer size. Never have I ever been tortured by a spinal surgeon and a geniune Iraqi." Whatever the gui a Iraqi is... Jayne finished in his head.
"How can ya know that? Kate blabbin' her damn mouth again?" Sawyer scowled.
"Women, I tell, ya. Can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em."
"That's fer gorram certain." Jayne held his little drink up and toasted the air.
"Anyways, it wasn't nothin' I couldn't handle." Sawyer explained casually. "Got me a kiss and a pretty scar to show for it."
As he boasted, Sawyer slipped the shirt off of his shoulder to expose his stab wound. "All and all I say it was an pretty interesting day."
Jayne snorted at the tiny mark. "That ain't nothin'" Pulling off his sticky t-shirt, Jayne showed off the long, angry scar slashed across his chest.
"Damn, Rambo, where'd ya pick up that one?"
"Heeeey, ya ain't drinked yet." Jayne motioned at Sawyer's bottle. With an eyeroll, the man took his shot.
"Now 'fess up." Sawyer said. "Where'd ya git it?"
Making a face, Jayne rubbed his fingertips across the scar. "The crazy girl done sliced me with a butcher's knife."
Sawyer's eyes widened. "That little thing? Boy, what'd you do ta piss her off?"
"Nuthin'!" Jayne protested. "She's jus' batty in the brainpan. She told me later that it was cuz 'a the shirt I was wearin'."
"You weren't kiddin' earlier 'bout the damage that lil' hellcat can cause. I'm starting to like her more already." Sawyer proclaimed with a toothy grin. "I like mine feisty."
"Yeah, well I like mine sane." Jayne retorted.
After continuing to compare their various scars, and giving short summaries on how each one was acquired, it was determined that Jayne easily took the cake in the sliced 'n' diced department.
"You just lived on a boat full of love and harmony, didntchya?" Sawyer remarked with his usual sarcasm as they put their shirts back on. "Wasn't yer ship named Serenity?"
"Livin' in the black's better than afore we crashed onta this dung heap." Jayne defended and looked around at the creepy trees that sometimes sounded like they were whispering. "Place gives me an uncomfortableness. What kinda jungle island has giant white bears anyhow?" The merc posed incredulously, his body language and speech becoming increasingly animated.
"I ain't gonna disagree with you there, Comrade. But it ain't half bad s'long as the Village of the Damned don't come knockin"." Sawyer admitted.
"Ya mean those weird-ass zombie lookin' folk?" Jayne inquired.
"That's them. Put me in a goddamn cage. Smelled like a damn fish biscuit for a week after." Sawyer reminisced bitterly. "Them people are way off their rocker, I'm tellin' ya."
"Well, ya shouldn't've let yerself get took." Jayne pointed out. He hardly felt bad for the guy. After being locked up once, that was enough. He made a lot of mistakes but never the same one twice.
Remembering through his drunken haze that they were in the middle of something, Jayne decided to cut the chit chat short. "So, we still playin' this game er what? I say first one ta pass out loses."
Sawyer pulled his eyes from the flames and shook himself from his trance. "I guess. Who's turn is it anyways?"
Hell if Jayne knew, but if he wanted Sawyer to pass out first, he'd have to make sure he drank more.
"My turn ta ask." Jayne answered. Face screwing up in thought, he finally picked something good. "Never have I ever... kissed a woman on the mouth."
"What, you afraid of cooties?" Sawyer grumbled, before taking his drink.
"What the gui are cooties?" Jayne asked. "Them like the Goodnight Kiss?"
"What? No. You don't know a dang thing, now do ya?"
"No how ta shoot a man dead 500 yards out." Jayne boasted proudly.
Sawyer blinked at the mercenary. "Alright, Charles Whitman, I gotchya, but ya still haven't answered my question. Why haven't ya kissed a dame before?"
Jayne shrugged. "Just somethin' my pa told me when I was knee high. He said, 'Son, once ya let a woman kiss ya, she owns yer soul.' I don't want no one ownin' any part o' me. Don't matter how good she smells, 'er how smart she is, 'er how good she can shoot. I ain't kissin' her, not ever."
Sawyer cracked a slow smile. The guy had the worse case of denial he'd ever saw. Didn't matter though, this island had a way of making a person do crazy things.
"Let's see now. Never have I ever seen my kid."
Jayne raised an eyebrow at that. "Hell, what'd you do? Cheat on his mother 'er sumthin'?"
Sawyer looked into the fire as his smirk slid off his face. "Nah, I conned her. Ended up in jail. But she brought in a picture to show me. It's a girl; name's Clementine."
"Well then," Jayne replied, "it ain't really true that ya ain't seen her, now is it? Pictures count."
Sawyer rolled his eyes. "Fine. Never have I ever seen my kid in person. Happy now, Mr. Picky?"
Jayne merely shrugged. "I don't got no young'uns runnin' 'round, so I ain't drinkin'. As fer you, never have I ever seen that Kate girl nekkid." His eyes glazed over a bit, as he certainly started imagining it.
"Good, and you ain't ever gonna." Jealousy made Sawyer's skin tighten, but he tried to keep his anger subdued because he was mostly sure the big guy was trying to get a rise out of him. Besides, he still had other competition to worry about. Even if the good doc was Juliet's new lap dog.
Sawyer took his shot, because he in fact had seen Kate naked many of wondrous times, and then quickly set the game on a course where other men weren't imaging his girl in the buff.
A seriousness took over Sawyer's expression, he didn't know why he was getting all sentimental now. "Never have I ever said a nice word to Jumbotron."
Jayne scrunched up his face. "Who's that?"
"The big guy, you know, ya' high, this wide." Sawyer explained as he stretched his arms out exaggeratedly. "He ain't so bad. Guess I should let him know that once in a blue moon."
Jayne shrugged. "I ain't never talked ta him. So I guess we both gotta drink." They both tipped back their bottles, but as Jayne finished his, he had a thoughtful look on his face. Sawyer was smart enough to be apprehensive of it.
"Never have I ever said one nice word ta the Crazy Girl." Jayne muttered quickly.
"Well, why haven't ya? Bring her up enough." Sawyer accused and then cracked an amused smile off of Jayne's petrified expression. "That's it, ain't it? I'll be damned. Yer all smitten with that little firecracker, aintchya?"
"Smit--?" Jayne stopped right there, his brain unable to come up with a response to that. But gorramit, he wasn't smitten. He was... well, what was he? He was sorta fascinated with her. Interested. Curious. That was all. Bobbing his head to himself, he pointed at Sawyer with the hand holding the tiny bottle.
"Ain't smitten with nobody." he grumbled. "Ya don't know her like I do. She's a thorn in my side. Only reason I mention her at all is cuz she's got freaky mind powers and is a ruttin' weapon, an' that's of use ta our crew. That's all." His eyebrow raise at the end of the sentence dared Sawyer to disagree with him. Jayne hadn't gotten into a fistfight in far too long, and this was the perfect opportunity to wipe that smug look of the man's face.
Sawyer help his hands up in defense, "Whatever ya say, Loverboy."
"That's it, gorrammit!" Jayne tried to stand up but stumbled over himself before he regained his balance. "I've had enough of yer 'sumptions an' yer… yer thinkin' ya is all wily an'… other stuff I can't think on right now. So, stand up. I ain't gonna beat a man sittin' down."
Sawyer looked the man up and down. Was he serious? He sure looked to be that way. But seeing as how he was staggering about, Sawyer figured he could take him. It wasn't until he stood up that he realized that he could barely see straight.
"Okay, Mr. Darcy, let's go!" Sawyer yelled, holding his arms out to stay balanced. Jayne just gave him a confused look so Sawyer sighed, dropping his arms to his sides. "Mr. Darcy? Pride and Prejudice? Don't you re--"
His question was cut short by Jayne's fist landing a solid hit to Sawyer's jaw.
Sawyers head snapped back upon impact, staggering back. He brought a hand up to the side of his face and rubbed the sore spot as he glared at Jayne. "What the matter, Tyson? You got something' against classic literature?" As soon as the words were out his mouth, Sawyer rushed forward and tackled the larger man to the ground.
The two rolled across the jungle floor causing a loud ruckus, neither in advantageous fighting form.
Jayne kneed the man in the stomach and managed to get above him, steadying one hand on the ground with the intent of punching him again. But before he had the chance, Sawyer head butted him, sending the merc flying back, cursing loudly in Mandarin.
"Oh yeah, Dumbo." Sawyer drawled. "You went flying all right." He started cracking up at the flying elephant reference that made perfect sense in his drunken mind, while all Jayne heard was the word 'dumb' before he flung himself back at Sawyer and started beating the ever-loving hell out of him while shouting out, "Don't call me dumb!"
"What the hell?!" Sawyer yelled, shielding his face with one hand and trying to punch Jayne without looking. "Were you the playground bully or what? D student if I ever seen one."
Finally, Sawyer elbowed Jayne in the mouth, and the man jerked back, needing to catch his breath before attacking again.
"Ruttin' hun dan!"
"Like I know what that even means, asshole."
"That's it! I'm gonna--"
"Hey!" a new voice cried out. Turning to look, they saw Kate and River standing in the clearing -- Kate glaring, River with a vague, unreadable expression.
"What the hell are you two doing? We could hear you from the beach." Kate asked, coming to kneel beside Sawyer and get a good look at his slowly bruising face.
He exchanged a look with Jayne. "Jus' a friendly game of 'I never.' You want in, Freckles?"
"Not if it ends with getting the crap kicked out of me." Kate snarked.
River knelt beside Jayne, reaching a hand out. "You're red."
"What?" Jayne grumbled, pushing her hand away.
"You're bleeding." she explained. "Split your lip."
Jayne looked up, trying to make the swirl of Rivers become one. "Yeah, what of it, crazy?" Wiping the blood from his mouth with the back of his hand, Jayne glared at Sawyer. "Lil' girlie lookin' man had ta go'n run his shee-niou mouth off."
Kate snorted, sympathizing with Jayne. "It's his specialty. You have no idea."
"Hey, now! Just whose side are you on, Sweet Cheeks?" Sawyer gripped.
Rolling her eyes, Kate simply replied, "My own."
River stood up, and looked back and forth between the two bloodied men. "Strutting." She explained as if it were supposed to make perfect sense.
Turning to Sawyer, she smiled. "The males often kill their young."
Sawyer just stared at her, mouth slightly open, before he shrugged and shook his head. "You really are a Fruit Loop. May as well call you Toucan Sam."
Kate glared at him and stood. "Guess we should leave you children alone so you can kill each other. C'mon, River."
River just stood staring at Sawyer for a moment, while Kate passed her. The older woman turned to look for a second, but then kept walking, figuring River would follow eventually.
But River glided over to the Southerner and knelt before him instead.
"So deep." she murmured, staring at him in awe. "So rough outside, so much pain and sensitivity underneath." She reached out and touch his cheek softly, and Sawyer was too dizzy to move and stop her. Besides, she smelled pretty good, and Kate was being a bitch.
"Aww, hell, darlin', ain't no need to psycho-analyze me." he murmured, giving her his trademarked dimpled grin, and not noticing that Jayne's face had hardened considerably as he watched the exchange.
"Deeper'n than a kitty pool." Jayne remarked sarcastically, scowling hard at the two. The minute the moon-brained girl had touched Sawyer's face, he'd started to get all twitchy like.
He knew inebriation had caused him to see and hear weird things from time to time, but was crazy really flirting with that sumbitch? So rough outside, so much pain and sensitivity underneath. What kinda go se was that?
"You wearin' perfume 'er somethin'?" Sawyer asked River, sniffing the air. "You smell damned delicious."
The side of her mouth turning up in a smile, River shook her head. "I ate a mango not long ago." she answered. "Perhaps that is the scent you're detecting."
"Why don't you two stop the ruttin' chit chat an' finds yerselves a tent ta go rut in?" Jayne yelled, shaking the two from their conversation.
River turned from her squatting position and frowned at Jayne, sensing his dissatisfaction.
Sawyer carefully stood up, making sure to not to fall over, and offered a hand down to River. "Whaddaya say darlin', wanna make a date of it?" Kate had been sleeping in her own tent anyhow, and if she weren't, hell, that could be fun too.
"It depends." River replied, staring at Jayne. It gave him a funny feeling in his chest, but he tried to brush it off as being freaked out by her eyes. Her big, brown, creepy eyes. Big, brown, beautiful eyes...
"Depends on what?" Sawyer asked, swaying a little.
"On whether or not I already have a date." she replied, her eyes still glued to Jayne. Her voice dropping barely above a whisper, she asked, "Do I?"
Confusion in all forms gripped the merc. "I ain't the gorram reader! How's I supposed ta know who yer makin' yer dates wit'?"
Sawyer rolled his eyes. "She means you, genius. Now why that'd be, I'm not gettin'. Ya sure ya wanna pass up choice cut for table scraps, pixie-sticks?"
"Not table scraps." River replied, her eyes finally drifting away from Jayne and up to meet Sawyer's. "Main course. But he feels he is inedible." Cocking her head to the side thoughtfully, she continued, "I suppose you'll do."
All Sawyer heard out of that was he was going to get himself a piece. Offering his arm to girl, her he gave her a sexy smile. "Alright then, creampuff. Let's say you and me get straight to the dessert."
River stood and slipped her arm through Sawyer's, watching Jayne carefully
for any sort of reaction, but he just looked down and poked at the sand with a stick.
"Damn fool girl." Jayne muttered dejectedly as they walked away.
River's vision started to blur as Sawyer led her back towards his tent, staggering the whole way. She knew Jayne was the fool, not her. If he would just admit the feelings he kept locked inside, life would be much less complicated.
She wiped a hand under her eyes then rushed to keep Sawyer from falling as he tripped over a branch.
"Thanks, Sticks." he said, admiring her legs. Rolling her eyes, she yanked him upright.
"We shall go to your tent." she announced, trying to gather her courage. There was nothing wrong with practicing a bit of kissing, and from the way Kate had been thinking all day, River knew the other woman really wouldn't care, as she was pining after some doctor.
"Sounds like a plan." Sawyer said, continuing to stumble along.
END PART ONE