Seeking Advice
Faced with the horrible prospect of an unwanted proposal from that toad, Mr. Collins, Lizzy Bennet decides that a little friendly advice and an offer of assistance is just what is needed to set matters straight.
AN: It suited my purpose in this story to stay as true to Mr. Collin's words in the original as possible. Therefore any portions of this story taken directly from the original will be in italics, while my deviations will be upright. Elizabeth's private thoughts will be upright and in parentheses. I hope you enjoy my story.
THE next day opened a new scene at Longbourn. Mr. Collins was prepared to makehis declaration in form. Having resolved to do it without loss of time, as his leave of absence extended only to the following Saturday, and having no feelings of diffidence to make it distressing to himself even at the moment, he set about it in a very orderly manner, with all the observances which he supposed a regular part of the business. On finding Mrs. Bennet, Elizabeth, and one of the younger girls together soon after breakfast, he addressed the mother in these words,
``May I hope, Madam, for your interest with your fair daughter Elizabeth, when I solicit for the honor of a private audience with her in the course of this morning?''
Before Elizabeth had time for any thing but a blush of surprise, Mrs. Bennet instantly answered,
``Oh dear! - Yes - certainly. - I am sure Lizzy will be very happy - I am sure she can have no objection. - Come, Kitty, I want you up stairs.'' And gathering her work together, she was hastening away, when Elizabeth called out,
``Dear Ma'am, do not go. - I beg you will not go. - Mr. Collins must excuse me. - He can have nothing to say to me that any body need not hear. I am going away myself.'' (Does that odious toad actually believe that I would marry him? Of course he does! After all, Mother probably encouraged the match! She will be furious when I refuse and there will be no peace in this house for me.)
``No, no, nonsense, Lizzy. - I desire you will stay where you are.'' - And upon Elizabeth's seeming really, with vexed and embarrassed looks, about to escape, she added, ``Lizzy, I insist upon your staying and hearing Mr. Collins.'' (I wish that I could count on Father to support my refusal, but I cannot be certain. He despises the cretin, but he is also unequal to Mother's incessant diatribes. He may cast me over just so that he may have a moments peace! No, I shall have to handle this matter judiciously. Think Lizzy! Think!)
Elizabeth would not oppose such an injunction - and a moment's consideration making her also sensible that it would be wisest to get it over as soon and as quietly as possible, she sat down again, and tried to conceal by incessant employment the feelings which were divided between distress and diversion. (… perhaps... no, that would never work... maybe... no, even he isn't as wooden-headed as that... Think! Think!) Mrs. Bennet and Kitty walked off, and as soon as they were gone Mr. Collins began.
``Believe me, my dear Miss Elizabeth, that your modesty, so far from doing you any disservice, rather adds to your other perfections. You would have been less amiable in my eyes had there not been this little unwillingness; but allow me to assure you that I have your respected mother's permission for this address. You can hardly doubt the purport of my discourse, however your natural delicacy may lead you to dissemble; my attentions have been too marked to be mistaken. Almost as soon as I entered the house I singled you out as the companion of my future life. But before I am run away with by my feelings on this subject, perhaps it will be advisable for me to state my reasons for marrying - and moreover for coming into Hertfordshire with the design of selecting a wife, as I certainly did.'' (He is run away all right; he has run away with his mouth. I believe that his philosophy, in summary, is to never say in ten words what he might say in ten-thousand! How do I make the man shut-up?)
The idea of Mr. Collins, with all his solemn composure, being run away with by his feelings, made Elizabeth so near laughing that she could not use the short pause he allowed in any attempt to stop him farther, and he continued:
``My reasons for marrying are, first, that I think it a right thing for every clergyman in easy circumstances (like myself) to set the example of matrimony in his parish..."
(Arrghh! He took a breath and I missed my opportunity! If I can't stop him soon, he will propose and then it will all be weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth... and that will just be on my mother's part!)
"Secondly, that I am convinced it will add very greatly to my happiness; and thirdly - which perhaps I ought to have mentioned earlier, that it is the particular advice and recommendation of the very noble lady whom I have the honor of calling patroness. Twice has she condescended to give me her opinion (unasked too!) on this subject; and it was but the very Saturday night before I left Hunsford - between our pools at quadrille, while Mrs. Jenkinson was arranging Miss de Bourgh's foot-stool, that she said, "Mr. Collins, you must marry. A clergyman like you must marry.
(The vile lady would have done better to keep her opinions and edicts to herself. And of course, Mr. Collins MUST do whatever his "Patroness" orders from on high. It would be better to tell the woman to mind her tongue... Wait... No... Yes... Perhaps?")
- Choose properly, choose a gentlewoman for my sake; and for your own, let her be an active, useful sort of person, not brought up high, but able to make a small income go a good way. This is my advice. Find such a woman as soon as you can, bring her to Hunsford, and I will visit her."
"And, of course, you told her to mind her tongue and stay out of your business. Good for you, Mr. Collins."
"What? No... perhaps you misunderstand. Allow me to observe, my fair cousin, that I do not reckon the notice and kindness of Lady Catherine de Bourgh as among the least of the advantages in my power to offer. You will find her manners beyond any thing I can describe; and your wit and vivacity I think must be acceptable to her, especially when tempered with the silence and respect which her rank will inevitably excite."
Lizzy jumped up, looking thoughtful, "Oh! Forgive me for my misapprehension. You wish to tell the old woman to mind her place, but are not sure of the best way to set about the task. I am honored that you have made note of my wit and vivacity, Sir. I can certainly help you to handle the matter."
Looking decidedly flustered and confused, Mr. Collins struggled to find his equilibrium. As one of his few abilities was memorization, he fell back upon his prepared speech for comfort. "Thus much for my general intention in favor of matrimony; it remains to be told why my views were directed to Longbourn instead of my own neighborhood, where I assure you there are many amiable young women. But the fact is, that being, as I am, to inherit this estate after the death of your honored father(who, however, may live many years longer), I could not satisfy myself without resolving to choose a wife from among his daughters, that the loss to them might be as little as possible, when the melancholy event takes place..."
Lizzy was pacing now, rubbing her chin in a contemplative manner, further disconcerting her toad-like cousin. "So then, you believe, since you may someday be a landowner, assuming that you outlive my father, that you are at least the equal to this officious patroness of yours. Not knowing what to do, and having heard of the skill the Bennet ladies have in managing obnoxious interlopers, you have turned to us."
Mr. Collin's mouth move open and shut in outrage and bewilderment. "Officious!? Obnoxious Interloper! Cousin Elizabeth, you mistake me! My motive... the violence of my affection...
"There is no need for 'violence of affection'... what a perfectly threatening term, by the way. A simple 'thank you' will suffice. Here..." She grabbed the disconcerted man by the arm and almost pushed him down into the settee while she continued to stand and pace, "... you sit and I will offer suggestions. First of all, an outright insult may not be for the best. Telling her that she is a ridiculous, interfering old dragon would hardly be appropriate." Mr. Collins looked increasingly alarmed, but too shocked to find his voice for the moment.
"Certainly, you could tell her to mind her own affairs, but obviously the interfering shrew prefers to stick her hand and her opinions in where she is unwanted. I tell you, if I ever meet this woman, I shall walk right up to her face and give her a proper set-down. Perhaps I should bring along all of my sisters. Between us we will drive the vile serpent back into the sea! You can count on us, Mr. Collins."
Mr. Collins, red-faced and gasping in outrage, jumped up, squawking, squeaking and sputtering, "Old Dragon! Interfering shrew! Vile serpent!... I will not stay in this house a minute longer!" And with that the odd creature stomped out of the room and, a minute later, out of the house, demanding that Hill collect his baggage and have it ready for his return.
Elizabeth had a twinkle in her eyes as she sat to resume her needlework. A few minutes later Mrs. Bennet tentatively pushed open the door of the sitting room expecting to see a happy scene. She looked inside with apparent confusion, and then stepped in. "Where is Mr. Collins, Lizzy?"
"He did not make his intentions clear, but I would imagine that he is walking to Meryton to obtain a conveyance back to Kent."
"Oh Lizzy! Tell me that you did not refuse the man's proposal!? You headstrong, selfish girl! Did you refuse?"
Lizzy looked up from her work with an expression of bewilderment, "Proposal, Mother? Mr. Collins made no proposal. He was only seeking my advice on how best to deal with officious, silly, and pushy people. Perhaps he felt that I might have some experience in that quarter, though I he didn't state it directly. Having gratefully received that advice which I was able to offer, he then departed promptly in order to put this new wisdom into practice."
Lizzy turned her attention back to her needlework. Mrs. Bennet, confused and feeling the onset of nerves, left the room and proceeded up the stairs to take a draught of her "medicine."
Unseen by either, the door to Mr. Bennet's bookroom, which had been slightly ajar, slipped shut. Inside of that room Mr. Bennet wiped away the tears from his silent laughter, poured himself three fingers of port, and saluted his clever daughter.
oOoOOoOo
As the readers are most concerned about "Our Dear Couple," I will here add a brief epilogue.
Mr. Collins fled back to Kent, where Lady Catherine de Bourgh was most seriously displeased to learn that he had failed to follow her instructions. Unwilling to face her reaction should he tell of his interview with his cousin Elizabeth, Collins chose... perhaps wisely... to refrain from any mention of the affair.
Eventually he did find a desperate widow who would have him. She was meek and docile while he fumbled his way through courting her before she finally brought him to the point. Once Jerosha Tildy became Mrs. William Collins, however, she shed her meek facade and set about managing the poor fool. Her first act in reforming her husband was to set about breaking the stranglehold Lady Catherine de Bourgh exercised over the man.
The two women battled like titans, with Mr. Collins wringing his hands and caught in the middle. During one such heated encounter, he suffered an apoplexy from which he did not recover. Being the only surviving heir, the entail on Longbourn was thus broken.
As Collins did not marry Lizzy or her friend Charlotte Collins, Elizabeth never made a trip to Rosings and was thus not there to suffer through a different and equally offensive proposal.
Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner were sad to disappoint their niece by curtailing their planned trip to the lake district, but assured the girl that she would enjoy Derbyshire. On a fateful summer day, Elizabeth took a tour of Pemberley and was quite impressed with both the house and grounds.
She was more impressed, however, when a certain arrogant, insufferable man walked out of the depths of his pond right in front of her. The manner in which his wet clothing draped and clung to his manly physique did much to improve her opinion of him... or at least fix his person quite pleasantly in her mind.
Mr. Darcy, for his part, was so overcome by seeing the woman who haunted his dreams standing on his lawn that he forgot to be either arrogant or insufferable. In fact, he presented himself more as charmingly shy and stumbling.
With the subtle assistance of Elizabeth's beloved aunt and uncle, the pair were able to meet often and spend much time together walking and talking. Naturally there were conflicts, but they muddled through. After one very heated encounter an express was sent off to Mr. Bingley, who, ever-malleable, then took himself off to Meryton where, with much groveling, he managed to win the heart and hand of his own fair lady.
Bingley, having left London without notifying his sisters, and therefore being out of contact, was unaware that they had gone to Brighton. Caroline, ever watchful for social-climbing opportunities, attended a local event where the Duke of Devonshire was supposed to be in attendance. She never saw the Duke, but she did see the youngest Bennet girl being loud and indecorative as usual. Having dismissed the girl from her thoughts as she scanned the crowd for her quarry, she did not see the girl and her dancing partner moving in her direction. Nor did she see the giggling girl stumbling and tripping herself and her tall partner.
There were screams, punctuated by the sounds of ripping and curses. When all eyes were turned in that direction, they witnessed Caroline Bingley lying on top of a drunken George Wickham. She was too distraught to feel the breeze on her backside or realize that the soused lieutenant held about a yard of orange fabric in the clutches of one hand which should have been covering said posterior. Caroline had finally achieved her goal of becoming the talk of the Ton. Due to Charles Bingley's absence, Mr. Hurst had to step away from the card table to make the proper arrangements for the necessary betrothal and the disposition of Caroline's dowry.
Unaware of any of this, back at Pemberley Mr. Darcy and Miss Elizabeth Bennet enjoyed a quiet courtship which lasted for the full two weeks of the Gardiner's planned trip. Unwilling to part with her again, Mr. Darcy proposed on the final day.
Loud and constant were the effusive declarations of triumph when Mrs. Bennet learned that her two eldest would soon be married to such eligible men. Mr. Bennet's bookroom door remained resolutely closed for the first week of those effusions.
On a final note, Lydia, not to be denied her moment of notoriety, persuaded Mr. Chamberlayne to elope with her. Of course neither of them had enough money, so they found themselves stranded one day short of the border. Mr. Bennet, having received notice of his daughter's flight, pursued them and found the ridiculous couple sitting morosely outside of a dilapidated inn. He paid for the remainder of their trip, including the blacksmith's fee, and then escorted the foolish couple back to Brighton, where he happily left them in the hands of Colonel Forster.
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