Disclaimer: I don't own Ellery Queen or Arsène Lupin.
Follows up on "Felons, Skulls, and Gratuitous French" and "Frenemies and Foe Yay, Differences Between". A story in email form. References the Inspector Queen duology and therefore Jessie Sherwood in all her awesomeness. Who I feel I really didn't do justice to, because she actually wouldn't do some, or at least one, of the things she does in this fic. But hey, it's fanfiction.
MASSIVE number of references to other fandoms ahead! This is a modern AU of famous detectives, remember?
To: jai_un_detective
From: king_of_logic
Subject: World Trip
I'm bored. Thinking of taking a sojourn into the world, picking the case files of various police agencies. Should I stop by France?
To: king_of_logic
From: jai_un_detective
Subject: Re: World Trip
You know what I think of that idea. Forget the world, just hole up with me for a couple months.
To: jai_un_detective
From: king_of_logic
Subject: Re: World Trip
Somehow, I can't see that being a good idea. For one thing, I'd go stir crazy. The whole point of a trip so I'm not bored is to find complicated crimes to pick apart. You provide the complicated part, but I don't really want to pick apart your crimes. But I will stop by for a week to make you happy.
To: king_of_logic
From: jai_un_detective
Subject: Re: World Trip
I'm going to convince you otherwise once you get here.
To: jai_un_detective
From: king_of_logic
Subject: Re: World Trip
Uh-huh. But just speaking hypothetically, if you didn't and I were to continue on, where would you recommend? You've done far more traveling than me. Is London still off-limits?
To: king_of_logic
From: jai_un_detective
Subject: Re: World Trip
Well... no. You can dig your own grave if you'd like. But let me know ahead of time so I can set up surveillance. If this happens I'm going to want it on tape. Actually, now that I think about it... yeah, definitely go to London, and tell me when you'll be there, where you'll be staying, who you'll be meeting with, etcetera.
But do stay away from Japan. Weird things happen in Japan. Weird things that are probably right up your alley, and you'd never leave the place again and never again come running to my arms. So stay away from Japan, because I want to see you again someday. Oh, and there's this one guy, I can't remember his name. He's some sort of secret agent or something, does a lot of traveling. Anyway, death and destruction follow him around like puppies, so if you run into him get the hell out. There's like three degrees of separation between him and my crazy ex, so if he thinks he can get away with it he might try to kill you. Or at least save someone else first.
Other than that, no real recommendations. I'm sure my kind of contacts are not the kind you're looking for. I hear Brussels is nice.
To: jai_un_detective
From: king_of_logic
Subject: Re: World Trip
Stalker. And how can I stay away from this guy if I don't even know his name? I'll be in Paris on the 19th, meet me at the airport.
To: king_of_logic
From: jai_un_detective
Subject: Re: World Trip
I remember now! It's Bond, James Bond. Stay away from him! He's so cursed his wife didn't even make the honeymoon, poor bastard.
To: jai_un_detective
From: king_of_logic
Subject: Big News
Dad's getting married.
To: king_of_logic
From: jai_un_detective
Subject: Re: Big News
… What?
To: jai_un_detective
From: king_of_logic
Subject: Re: Big News
Tell me about it.
To: king_of_logic
From: jai_un_detective
Subject: Re: Big News
Geez, you leave him alone for two months...
All kidding aside, where are you? When's the wedding? And most importantly, what the hell is going on?
To: jai_un_detective
From: king_of_logic
Subject: Re: Big News
Three, you leave him alone for nearly three months. As to the answers to your questions, I'm currently in a Turkish airport waiting for my flight, I assume I'll learn the date once I get back to New York, and I haven't a clue. And I don't think this is going to end well, no.
To: king_of_logic
From: jai_un_detective
Subject: Re: Big News
Come on, have a little faith in your old man. I'm sure he knows what he's doing. And just in case he doesn't I'll come to New York incognito to lend moral support. You know how to contact me.
To: king_of_logic
From: jai_un_detective
Subject: Hey!
Your stepmother-to-be seems sweet. Is she actually evil?
To: jai_un_detective
From: king_of_logic
Subject: Re: Hey!
When did you...? Whatever. Yeah, Jessie's a lot different from what I expected. I guess I'm just anxious. I mean, I barely remember my mother and Dad never seemed interested in finding someone else, and then all of a sudden ba-blam! Email from Dad that he's getting married to someone I've never met. I was worried that this was some sort of mid-life crisis that was going to end badly. But they both seem happy, so I'll let sleeping dogs lie for the time being.
To: king_of_logic
From: jai_un_detective
Subject: Re: Hey!
How did they meet anyway?
To: jai_un_detective
From: king_of_logic
Subject: Re: Hey!
During a case (you probably already guessed that). Some sort of baby-smothering deal? This guy was having an affair and knocked up his lover, so he arranged it so that he and his wife adopted the baby. The wife found out and ended up killing the baby. Tragic, really. Anyway, Jessie was the baby's nurse, you know how rich idiots are, and Dad was doing a bit of snooping. She started snooping with him, and at the end she snooped out that the only reason he hadn't said anything was because he was feeling sorry for himself, so she asked him to marry her, thus reversing hundreds of years of chivalrous evolution.
To: king_of_logic
From: jai_un_detective
Subject: Re: Hey!
Your stepmother-to-be is awesome. Make sure she knows that if she hurts your dad in any way, I'll come down on her like a load of bricks.
To: jai_un_detective
From: king_of_logic
Subject: Re: Hey!
Actually, I think from silent consensus that you're now a Queen secret. Also, I don't think Dad would appreciate the sentiment.
To: jai_un_detective
From: king_of_logic
Subject: No one will ever solve your murder
I hate you. So much.
To: king_of_logic
From: jai_un_detective
Subject: Re: No one will ever solve your murder
I thought it was a stroke of genius.
To: jai_un_detective
From: king_of_logic
Subject: Re: No one will ever solve your murder
I'm pretty sure Dad hates you too by the way, he just hasn't said anything because he doesn't want Jessie to overhear about how her wedding was ruined by an internationally-wanted criminal for the sole reason that said criminal has a thing for her new husband's errant son!
To: king_of_logic
From: jai_un_detective
Subject: Re: No one will ever solve your murder
Your dad already hated me. When's the honeymoon? I think we should take advantage of having the apartment to ourselves.
To: jai_un_detective
From: king_of_logic
Subject: Re: No one will ever solve your murder
I will take advantage of having the apartment to myself to get some writing done! If you're so curious, find out for yourself. I'm still having problems getting my head around the fact that you stole the Pink Panther solely to do that!
To: jai_un_detective
From: king_of_logic
Subject: Giggle
Jessie knows. Hell hath no fury like that of a woman scorned. Have fun!
To: king_of_logic
From: jai_un_detective
Subject: Re: Giggle
"Giggle"?
Ah well, it was worth the time alone we got during the honeymoon. And the looks on everyone's faces at the wedding were priceless.
To: jai_un_detective
From: king_of_logic
Subject: Re: Giggle
That was an ironic giggle. I'm currently crashing on Nikki's couch.
To: king_of_logic
From: jai_un_detective
Subject: Re: Giggle
Ouch. And your dad let her kick you out? I've got an idea: leave Miss Porter's couch behind. I've got a nice four-poster that's got room.
To: jai_un_detective
From: king_of_logic
Subject: Re: Giggle
Dad happens to agree with her that you as an entity are above and beyond the call of duty. It's only temporary though, and somehow I don't think crashing with you would help matters.
To: king_of_logic
From: jai_un_detective
Subject: Re: Giggle
See? Evil stepmother.
To: jai_un_detective
From: king_of_logic
Subject: Re: Giggle
Why do I put up with you? She's very sweet, she just hates you and for good reason.
To: king_of_logic
From: jai_un_detective
Subject: Re: Giggle
Because you love me.
Yeah, Jessie almost definitely wouldn't kick Ellery out temporarily over Arsène ruining her wedding. But rule of drama guys! Besides, this was a joint statement by the newlyweds, and they couldn't get to Arsène. Next best thing as a warning. Reviews are adored!