Title: Rainbows and Pie

Fandom: Star Trek: Enterprise

Rating: PG-13 for… suggestive off-screen action.

Prompt: 36. Caught in the act – Shran and Archer, any relationship from a href= . 500 prompts/a

Disclaimer: I do not own, nor am I gaining any money for this work. I'm just trying to enjoy myself.

Summary: Trip is determined to discover what Archer and Shran's secret ritual is… but is he really prepared to deal with the truth?

Rainbows and Pie

Every week, whenever they could find the time, Shran and Jon would go into Jon's quarters and do… something. Honestly, no one had a clue what they did. Malcolm reckoned they traded stories, trying to one up each other for bravery and stupidity. Hoshi was sure Shran was telling Jon about all the aliens he had dealt with over the years, to help prepare him for what they would meet. Phlox suggested that the two were engaging in sexual activities to improve their friendship.

The humans were quick the shut that idea down when it was offered up at lunchtime in the Mess Hall.

"No way! The cap'n isn't into guys."

"Technically, Shran isn't a male. He's a thaan."

"What's the difference?"

"Girth on Shran's part."

Trip winced and shook his head, "Anyway! That's not likely. According to anyone who passes the cap'n's quarters when they're together… they say they hear giggling."

Hoshi snorted, covering her mouth quickly with her hand, then lowering it, "Giggling?"

"Yeah… didn't sound right to me either. But that's what they say it sounds like. I think they drink a bit too."

"They're entitled to some down time." said Phlox, "The Captain must maintain some level of distance from the rest of the crew, and Shran understands that. They have a lot in common, it seems perfectly reasonable that they would spend time together."

"Don't get me wrong, I think it's a great thing. The Captain was so isolated during the Xindi Crisis he barely talked to anyone except T'Pol. And remember how difficult Shran found adapting to life on Enterprise before we realised how much Andorians need physical contact? Since they started this, they've both been much happier." said Hoshi with a smile, "But I would love to be a fly on the wall and just find out what they do every week."

"And what that song is." said Travis, chewing on a potato chunk he found in his soup.

"Song?" Trip asked, lifting his coffee.

"Yeah! Haven't you noticed? They both hum this song all the time when they're working. And I know they do it around each other to bug each other."

"Really?"

"You've been spending too much time with your head in the warp core." said Hoshi with a smile, "If one of them starts up, the other looks really annoyed. But then the next day they'll switch."

"What's the song?" asked Malcolm.

"Haven't a clue. But I'm sure I've heard it before."

Trip tutted to himself. He loved a good mystery.

"I betcha I can find out just what it is they do, and if I do, you lot will owe me a prize."

"Oh you are on!" Travis grinned. Phlox hummed to himself,

"I would be… intrigued by what you find."

Malcolm shook his head, "No thank you. I'm perfectly content not knowing, considering what one or both might do if they find out."

Trip clapped him on the shoulder and grinned, "Ah, it's all in good fun."

Trip started taking notes of the odd quirks Jon and Shran had developed. He really must have had his head in the Warp Core to miss this stuff.

His first note was when he overheard Jon call after Shran one day as they parted ways.

"Hey, Dash!"

Trip had to force himself not to look up from where he was trying to fix a damaged conduit as Shran turned back and growled,

"What?" Then he grinned and sauntered back towards Jon, saying something that Trip missed and had Jon flushing and glaring at him. The Andorian walked off and Jon shook his head, spotting Trip and giving him a suspicious look. Trip did his level best to look engrossed.

He was pretty sure Jon did not buy it.

Trip's second note was Shran's sudden interest in pie. Specifically, he seemed to love pointing it out to Jon.

"Look! Pie!" he would grin and shove the item under Jon's nose.

"Yes Shran, I see the Pie."

"It's not very pinky though, is it?"

"No, Shran, it's not."

"Not a Pinky Pie, is it?"

"No Shran, it isn't."

"That's disappointing." Shran set down the pie and the subject was over, and Jon looked ready to kill him.

It happened every single time a pie was served for dessert. Trip was pretty sure Shran was putting in orders with Chef for pies to be made more often.

Travis had been right about the song. Whatever it was, it was almost as constant in the background now as the hum of the Warp Core. It was short, and chirpy and Trip was about ready to kill them both.

It was getting beyond an amusement now. Shran and Jon were practically speaking another language.

"Dash your AppleJack is showing!"

"Shut it Pinky Pie, I am not! And will you stop being such a Fluttershy about the damn thing?"

"I am not being-"

"Oh please, go run and tell the princess that you can't handle it!"

Trip wondered if they stopped having these conversations in private, would the rest of the crew think they needed to be sectioned.

"Why won't you let Hoshi get a cutie mark Pinky Pie?"

"Dash she's not ready for another!"

"Trip what in God's name are you doing?"

Trip jumped and fell on his ass. He looked up to see Malcolm staring at him with a stern frown.

"Uh…"

"Have you gone mad? Listening through the door of the Captain's Quarters?"

"… boy would you be unable to handle what's being said in there." Trip got to his feet and put his hands on his hips. "They've lost their minds!"

"Maybe so, but the Captain is still in command, so no eavesdropping."

Trip huffed in frustration. "Malcolm, as God is my witness, I will get to the bottom of this!"

Trip was still unable to figure out the answer by the time the Imperial Guard suggested a War Game with Starfleet and Enterprise met with the Ariston, commanded by Captain Telev. After he met the senior staff and explained how the game would work, they all got to their feet and Telev turned to Shran expectantly. His smooth features shifted into a smug smirk as he stepped in Shran's way and brought them nose to nose.

"Well."

Shran blinked and grabbed Telev's waist in surprise, then smirked, "Well indeed."

"So, shall we go to your quarters?"

No one else had left the room yet, and Malcolm was quick to rectify this in his own case, fleeing as fast as he could without running. Trip was astonished at the open bluntness of Telev's intent. But Shran looked happier than he had in a while, then he glanced at Jon and his grin faded slightly.

"Ah, I would love to, believe me. But I can't right now."

"You're joking." Telev's smirk shifted into outright disbelief. "You never turn me down."

"I'm not turning you down. I just… need to do something else first."

"What could possibly hold your interest more than me right now?"

Shran did not answer at once, instead glancing at Jon, who was waiting at the door, and then back. Telev followed his gaze and looked at Jon suspiciously. Before he could ask, Shran squeezed his waist and brushed their noses together in an Andorian 'kiss' before pulling back.

"I'll meet you later."

Trip watched as Shran left with Jon, then back at Telev. Shran had once told him that Andorians didn't really get jealous, but there was no other word to describe the expression on Telev's face. And it was clearly pissing him off.

"Uh… Captain? Would you like to join us for dinner?"

Telev did not answer, but he did follow Trip to the Mess Hall.

"So… what could be so important Shran passes up time with me?" he asked without preamble when they sat down.

"Honestly, we're not sure exactly what's going on. All I know is Shran and the cap'n get together every week, do… something in the cap'n's quarters, and ever since they started, they've started making less and less sense."

"Trip's exaggerating. They just have a routine that they like to keep to." said Malcolm, throwing a stern look at Trip.

"Malcolm, the cap'n has started calling Shran 'Dash' all the time, and he's as obsessed with pointing out rainbows as Shran is about talking about pie not being pink enough. And don't you remember the day a bunch of us found big, colourful stickers on our asses?"

Telev regarded Trip in alarm. "And all of this is occurring in the captain's quarters you say?"

Trip nodded.

"Then that's where I'm going. Coming Commander?"

Trip nodded without a thought. "Hell yeah!"

They waited until Shran and Jon were gone out the door of Jon's quarters,

"So, is your Rarity gonna make you give him gifts to make up for your choice Dash?"

"Telev won't want gifts… he'll want attention." said Shran breezily. "I'm not worried. I'll give him all the attention he could want."

Trip felt Telev stiffen at the mention of his name and looked at the chan to see him arching his antennae in curiosity. Jon and Shran rounded a corner and their voices faded away. Telev wasted no time breaking into the captain's quarters and Trip followed, not allowing himself to feel any doubt. He was getting his answers damnit!

"Now… where do we start?" Telev asked him as they looked around the room. The bed was neat, there was nothing obviously out of place except an empty bottle on the Captain's desk. Telev picked it up and sniffed it, wrinkling his nose.

"I am unfamiliar with this drink."

Trip plucked it from his fingers, "It's called wine. Fermented from a fruit called grape."

"Alcoholic?"

"Yeah. But not overly strong. Just a relaxing drink."

"Hmm… well they clearly weren't having sex, there's no smell in the room."

Despite his best efforts, Trip blushed at the blunt tone. "S –so what are they doing?"

"Hmm…" Telev ran his fingertips over the edge of Jon's personal TV screen. Trip had watched many a polo match on it with him. "This is a main feature of his room?"

"Yeah, we like watching TV."

"TV?"

"Uh… recorded shows about… well, anything we can imagine."

Telev quirked an antenna at him and said, "Like a film?"

"Exactly!" Trip kept forgetting Andorians liked films, mostly because he rarely screened ones from Andoria. The subtext of the films was very hard to decipher, and human sensibilities made it difficult for the crew to watch Andorians have sex on camera as part of their acting. Jon had tried to explain pornography to Shran, who had just fallen off his chair laughing at the idea.

"So, if it is the main feature…" Telev led him with his soft, smooth voice.

"Right, gotcha." Trip quickly had the computer bring up the last thing shown on the screen.

He was not prepared for what he saw.

Telev's antennae curled inwards and he stared at the screen, just as astonished as Trip, as they watched the bright colours and high-pitched voices of the last show Trip ever expected to see.

"We… uh… we need to leave." said Trip in a faint voice, tugging on Telev's elbow as he switched the screen off. Telev followed him, blinking rapidly as if he had been blinded by the dancing images. The door slid open and both froze as they crossed the threshold.

"I told you they'd be unable to resist." Shran smirked, lifting his chin as he leant against the bulkhead with his arms across his chest. Jon sighed next to him, shaking his head,

"You win Dash."

"Thank you Pinky-Pie." Shran's smirk widened.

"And as for you Trip," Jon said with a scowl, "You're gonna scrub every plasma conduit with a toothbrush for spying on myself and Shran, breaking and entering my quarters and invading our privacy."

"What!" Trip goggled at him, "Cap'n-!"

"That's an order Commander."

Trip stared at him, then sagged, "Yes sir."

Telev had not said a word, but was eying Shran carefully. Shran's smirk could not have gotten any bigger without breaking something as he pushed from the wall and sauntered up to Telev so they were toe to toe.

"And as for you Captain…"

"What the name of the Wanderers have you been participating in?" Telev demanded. Shran's eyes flashed and he grabbed Telev by the front of his uniform, hauling him forward.

"That is none of your concern. But I find your lack of trust… disturbing." Shran tilted his head and brushed his nose against Telev's. The air seemed to crackle between them and Trip flushed despite his outrage and disbelief. "I think you and I need to… rebuild some trust between us. And I think you need a lesson in not being jealous."

Telev would have protested, but Shran was dragging him away to his own quarters before he could get a word out. Trip watched him go, and then looked at Jon, deciding if he was really in trouble, he might as well ask.

"My Little Pony, Cap'n?"

Jon drew himself up and said coolly, "It is the most manly show ever created and you have a date with a toothbrush."

Trip fled before he could laugh, in case Jon made him clean every bulkhead with a toothbrush as well.

It was hours before he was done, during which time Trip found himself recalling the brief images of brightly coloured ponies running around and acting like children on a sugar high. He hardly thought that was worth such secrecy as to have earned him such a punishment as this, especially since Telev had gotten let off so easily.

He was feeling pretty damn miffed at them all when he walked by Shran's quarters and heard Telev's voice, hoarse and strained shouting from the room,

"Shran please! I can't take it anymore!"

Trip froze and listened in alarm. Then Telev moaned in frustration and Shran's deep laughter rumbled through the metal door.

"I will not release you until you do what I say."

Trip's face flushed crimson as Telev snarled, "I will not sing!"

"Then be prepared to remain frustrated all night You know I can do it."

Telev's response was probably very rude, but Trip did not know Andorian swears well enough to know what the words meant. Shran's response was a silent one, but the next thing Trip knew Telev was singing at the top of his lungs.

"My Little Pony! My Little Pony! I used to wonder what friendship could be!"

Jon's quarters' door opened and Jon leaned out slowly with a perplexed frown on his face. He looked at Trip questioningly, and Trip shrugged helplessly.

"Don't look at me. You two are the ones who've gone nuts."

Jon raised an eyebrow at him worthy of T'Pol, and Telev was still singing,

"EXCITING ADVENTURE! TONS OF FUN! SHARING KINDNESS-"

"WRONG!" Shran barked, "Start again!"

Telev howled, "I will kill you Shran!"

Jon sighed, "Dash isn't being very magical about this."

"Cap'n?" Trip said weakly.

Jon looked at him.

"Request permission to go to bed and never speak of this again."

Jon smirked, "Granted."

Shran's voice filtered through the bulkhead again, "Don't make me get Pinky-Pie to help you."

"Fat chance Dash!" Jon shouted, "You've got a better chance of stealing my Cutie Mark from me."

Trip fled to his quarters, buried his head under a pillow and decided he was never going to spy on anyone again.

Two weeks later Shran ran up to Jon, and roared "FOREVER!" in his ear and then bolted away with Jon on his heels, swearing to put Shran in trances while he prances.

The senior staff watched them leave, then looked at Trip questioningly.

Trip walked away in the other direction and refused to look back.

This may not have made any sense… but once I heard about the culture of 'bronies' (apparently the biggest fanbase for the modern version of 'My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic' is college age men.) I could not get the idea of Jon and Shran bonding over it. Also, I've fallen in love with the show too and… yeah, it was just too much fun not to try. Humour isn't my easiest genre, as I often feel my humorous thoughts don't translate well in writing.

Night's Darkness