AN:Well, wow, how long has it been since I first watched Charmed as a kid? Re-watching the TV show as an adult brings back fond memories of times when it was ok to believe in magic... and skipping a few afternoon classes was not as bad as not showing up for work. One thing is the same, though; what happened to Phoebe and Cole still breaks my heart. So here we are.

Disclaimer: Nothing's mine.

-.-.-.

"That backfired quite spectacularly," he groaned, fading into his living room. He was soaked in salty water, eyes red-rimmed and lungs still burning from the lack of oxygen. Yes, he had felt the need to breathe, but it had only hurt like hell. Pissing off underwater demons hadn't worked either and now the whole shoreline was littered by dead fish.

That god-awful tinkling reverberated by the window and Cole pressed the heels of his palms against his eyes, wishing he could poke them out so he didn't have to look at his ex-sister-in-law.

"I guess that you dripping saltwater all over your expensive furniture is answer enough," Paige said, disgust evident in her voice. "I get that you hate us and that making our lives difficult is your favorite pastime… but poor innocent fish? What the hell?"

"Either come up with a way to kill me – or Phoebe to listen to me – or stop orbing inside of my damned apartment." He didn't bother to look up. Paige didn't like him, which wasn't surprising, but she was the one who usually ended up to talk to him to the annoyance of them both. Phoebe had refused to even look at him and Piper… well. Even people married to angels had limits of their patience and understanding.

"You know, trying to blackmail my sister back into a relationship only makes her hate you more-"

"Aaargh!" Cole jumped up and threw an energy ball into the wall next to her. "I don't blackmail her into anything! Are you trying to annoy me to death?"

"It's not like I enjoy talking to crazy demonic morons!"

"So orb the fuck away!"

"Seeing that you are unfortunately alive and still too nuts to talk to, I'll just do that!" Paige orbed out of the apartment the moment the last syllable left her mouth.

Cole flopped back down and closed his eyes, breathing heavily. There really wasn't any point in trying to talk to any of them, was there? They always ended shouting at each other. For the Halliwells, he was just crazy, dangerous and evil. A part of him could hardly blame them. He had almost destroyed their family, lied to them and hurt his wife too many times.

But what was he supposed to do?

Cole took in a shuddering breath as his heart seized painfully. He couldn't let Phoebe go. He didn't know how to exist without her. Before he had met her, he had been a soldier of fortune. It hadn't mattered if he died or lived and how he led his life. She had changed everything, opened his eyes, and showed him there could be more… that he could be more than a messenger of terror and instrument of destruction.

It was an illusion, though. The Charmed ones should kill him. He hoped they would find a way soon. Cole couldn't go back to that loveless dark existence, he didn't want to, but he had no idea how to be anything other than what he had always been. Evil. They were right; he was a danger to them, to everyone. Not worthy of forgiveness, or love, or redemption…

Something stung in his eyes and he tried to keep breathing without choking.

"… guess it wasn't nice to shout at you when you were clearly… Oh God, you're crying?!"

Paige was back?

"What are you doing here, again?" he growled and wiped his eyes, standing to face her. Bouts of depression and despair were hardly anything new for him but this was the first time someone else had seen him vulnerable. "Should I fry you this time?"

Paige was motionless, just gaping at him. Cole wondered if he really looked that awful – unshaven, in wet clothes smelling of fish, wild hair and swollen eyes. Pathetic.

"No?"

"Yeah, okay, I won't if you get out – now."

"Did you know I was coming back? Did you fake that?"

"Oh, sure, I wanted one of the most annoying persons in the universe to see me crying like a lost little boy! If you ever mention it to anyone, I swear I'll turn you into a pile of twinkling blue dust."

She still stared at him and it made Cole uncomfortable. He shifted his weight when she didn't react to the threat. "Was there a reason you came back?"

"Ugh, yeah…" Paige moved cautiously closer to the nearest armchair and sat down slowly. "Look, Cole, this situation is hard on all of us."

"Is this the moment when you try to talk me into leaving you all alone? You know I can't do that."

"Why?" she asked. Paige looked genuinely curious about his answer, watching him with something resembling understanding and pity in her eyes. He hated that. She couldn't possibly understand what went through his mind. Even he didn't know that most of the time.

"I just can't," he said, falling backward on the couch.

"Ok, we all noticed that you don't want to move on…"

"I don't know how! You don't get it, do you? When a demon is vanquished, he stops existing – but I remain, the fucked up half-demon and half-human who is neither. When I was stuck in the Wastelands, I clawed my way back here because of your sister, our love. She is the reason I'm alive. And she doesn't want me and I can't die… and it's all just so fucked up… Why wouldn't she just give me a chance to…"

"You've just said it yourself."

Cole took a deep breath and tried to flatten his hair. Had he truly started ranting in front of the Whitelighter spawn? And she was not sneering at him? It looked like it. "What?"

"It's pretty obvious that your moral compass is screwed and you just can't differentiate between what's right and wrong; kind of hard to do with only a half a soul and tons of demon essences burning through your blood."

"So help me become human!"

"Hell no! A human involved with a witch? We'd bury you within a week," Paige shook her head. "You know, I don't like you. You put us through hell several times. But I can concede that you at least love Phoebe and will do anything for her, right?"

"Right," he answered slowly.

"So you need to accept that she doesn't want you near her."

"I can't do that."

"Do you want to hurt my sister?" she asked him gravely.

"Of course not," he scoffed. Was that a serious question? He might have tried to turn her evil but that hardly had worked. The reason why he had loved his wife so much was her inherent goodness. He had been drawn to that in the first place and now, the idea of snuffing that light out of her was painful.

"Then leave her alone," she pleaded and Cole found himself looking away from her tearful expression. "Stop this! You are hurting her with every stupid stunt you pull. She loved you and seeing you like this, doing these crazy things… it tears my sister apart."

"Help me find a way to die, then," he countered, jaw clenched, hands fisted. It's one of the two – either a chance to be close to Phoebe again or end to his suffering.

"I can't do that, either – we would bury Phoebe shortly after you." Her voice caught and when he glanced back at her, Paige was wiping away her own tears. " My sister has accepted it. Sometimes love is just not enough. Even if we all somehow could forgive… we'll never forget, never trust you. Do you honestly want to subject Phoebe to that kind of life, where she always doubts you?"

He shook his head and hid his face behind his hands. "No. I want her to look at me like she used to before it all went to hell. That's what I want."

"That's not ever going to happen. There's just too much that has gone wrong between the two of you."

"Yeah, maybe you're right." He refused to lower his hands, his voice rough. "You probably are. I… well. Don't worry about me. I won't put her through the pain of vanquishing me again, and I won't try to interfere with your lives anymore. You win, Paige."

"This is hardly a victory," she said in disbelief. "But do you mean it? You are leaving us in peace? Just like that?"

"Just like that. Don't let me keep you from sharing the happy news with your family." He stood and offered Paige his hand to shook. "Tell your Phoebe that I'll always love her."

Those words, a distant echo of another farewell, seemed to convince Paige that he was meaning it.

"There's nothing happy about this, Cole," Paige murmured as she too got up to her feet. "So, is this really it? Don't you want to say goodbye in person?"

"That's a bad idea," he said, trying to grin without much success. His face felt like a mask – one wrong grimace and it would shatter into pieces. "Good luck with demons and try to stay alive for Phoebe's sake. I won't be around to find another of you Halliwells if something happens to you."

"Demons won't know what hit them." She clasped his hand in her and gave it a firm shake. "For what it's worth, I think you may have been a really cool brother-in-law, eventually. Be safe and … live well, ok?"

Cole watched her orb away, breathing deeply when the tingling sound faded. He had always been determined, stubborn, never giving up. So that's it? The end of his marriage, his very existence? Is he supposed to just let it all go? Go down without a fight? Let the Darkness consume him? Give Phoebe up? No, Cole didn't think so.

Paige had been right, though. There had been too much between him and Phoebe to overcome. All those lies, secrets, hurts and betrayals had torn them apart. The fault was his, isn't it always, and Cole needed to face his past mistakes.

Or better yet, make sure that all those things never come to pass.

-.-.-

AN:Hope you enjoyed the story and don't be shy to leave comments. Also, are you guys interested in more? And... English is my second language, so forgive any mistakes. Thanks for reading :)