It's all changed. Everything. I don't know when it all started to change or how. I just know that everything's changed and I guess it's still changing. I just want it to stop; I want everything and everyone to go back to how it was before.
Before Rachel left me and started hanging around with the 'It' crowd. Back before Peyton and Haley left me and suddenly had boyfriends that they loved ; boyfriends that loved them back and I'm just stuck here. In the same place I was 2 years ago. But its different now. It's not the same ; I'm not the same. I'm not happy anymore but the truth is that I think I never was. There just wasn't a time that I've been happier.
I remember back 6 years ago and it was Christmas. Everyone was huddled around the Christmas tree by everyone I mean me my mum and my elder sister. I still had a dad; he just never had the time. He would just wake up in the morning and go straight to work. Not even taking a glimpse in my direction, I remember my sister Millicent nudging my side and telling me to hurry up and open my presents and even if I already knew what it was I would still open it with a massive smile on my face because I then knew that I could actually play with it instead of just staring at it because now it was officially mine.
But it's not like that anymore because right now here I sit near my mum's hospital bed on Christmas day and just watch as my mum opens her present that I got her. I watch as she tugs at the carefully wrapped present with her long and scrawny like fingers not wanting to ruin the wrapping paper. I watch her face as she concentrates on the paper. Her eyes are tense and her lips are pursed.
My sister ran away not long ago, claiming she needed time alone. Everyone does but that doesn't fucking mean that you have to run away from it all. Just live the life you've been getting tired of differently. I memorize the moment very clearly. From the second she came down the stairs with her stupid pink suitcases rolling behind her and from when she closed the door behind her and watched as my mother collapsed on the floor blaming herself. It also wasn't long after that when I found out my mother was dying. That I should treasure every moment I had with her that all these seconds, minutes, hours and days where limited.