"We Have a Proposition!"
(*Lord of the Flies Humor Fic)
Disclaimer: I don't own any Lord of the Flies characters. I don't own the song that I made a parody of. Alright? ^.^
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(All Lord of the Flies Characters walk forward, on a stage in an auditorium, decorated with blue curtains; the floorboards are waxed and polished wood. There is no light other than upon the stage-- covering its span, and on the one person-audience-- the author, seated on a red, velvet chair about halfway up the auditorium.)
Author: I'm likin' the chair..
*Ralph coughs.*
Author: Oh, right, I'm watching now. [Shuts up.]
Ralph: We have a proposition..
*Wild screams erupt from Jack's tribe.*
Ralph: Shut up, already! I'm trying to speak!
Jack: Ooh, don't have your precious conch, do you?
Ralph: No, but, well, I..
Jack: Who cares?! I'm chief! Not you!
Roger: He's chief!
*More wild screams erupt.*
Author: SHUT UP! Let the boy speak, dammit!
*Jack whimpers.*
Jack {quietly, mumbling}: Who made her author?
Ralph: Anyway! As I was saying, we have a proposition!
*Wild screams erupt from Jack's tribe, again.*
Piggy: We are NOT starting this again!
Roger: Hey! Wait!
All: What?
Roger: But--
Piggy: I'm trying to speak!
Roger: I--
Jack: Quiet!
Roger: Killed--
Ralph: Stop!
Roger: Piggy!
Piggy: What?
Simon: You what?
Roger: AAHH!
Ralph: But you're dead!
Roger: And so is--
Jack: Didn't we tell you to shut up?
Roger: BUT!
*All erupt into mindless jabber.*
Author: EVERYONE, SHUT THE HELL UP!
Jack: Well you don't have to be so pushy! Hmf!
Samneric: Yeah!
Author: Where'd you two come from?
Sam: We were--
Eric: --always here.
Sam: Didn't you--
Eric: --notice us?
Author: Just forget I asked.
Sam: Ok--
Eric: --ay.
Ralph: I'm going to speak now.
*Ralph waits for wild screams.*
*The room is silent.*
Ralph: ..it's a miracle.
Samneric: Talk already!
Ralph: Okay, okay.
*Jack taps his foot, impatiently.*
Ralph: What's your problem?
Jack {peeved}: I have a pig to kill..
*Ralph rolls his eyes.*
Roger: What a prick.
Ralph: I AM NOT!
Roger: ARE TOO!
Ralph: AM NOT!
Roger: ARE TOO!
Author {quietly, losing patience}: ..my God..
*Author rubs her forehead.*
Simon {timidly}: The author is losing her patience, guys.
Maurice {sarcastically}: Well, let us bow to the high and mighty author.
Author: Good idea!
*Maurice begins bowing.*
Maurice: Hey! Stop! I don't want to bow do you! Hey!
All: SHUT UP!
*Maurice whines pitifully.*
Jack: Ralph, just say it. Spit it out, now!
*Everyone besides Ralph cheers for Jack.*
*Jack bows, blushing.*
Jack {quietly, blushing}: I love my public.
Ralph: I'm going to say it.
*Silence.*
Ralph {quickly}: Youneedtowritetherestofyourstory,theConsequencesofHumankindoritwilltakeyoufo revertogetitdone,don'tyouunderstand?Weneedtocontinuewiththestoryline,rightgu ys?Right?ThereIsaidit!WHOO!
All: What?
*Ralph faints.*
*Simon kneels beside Ralph, grabs a bucket of water from nowhere, and throws it on Ralph.*
*Ralph screeches.*
Piggy: What he's trying to say--
Jack: I know a lot better what he meant than you! He's trying to say that you, author-girl there, you need to finish writing the rest of your Lord of the Flies story-in-progress, or it'll take you forever to finish it. And no one wants that, right?
*Wild cheers.*
Jack: I love my public. [Eyes tear up.]
Robert: Yeah! We don't want to be stuck on the ship forever!
Roger: But being stuck on the island was fun..
Jack {laughing}: Oh yeah, real fun.
Ralph: You are a damned psycho!
Maurice: Wait, doesn't that remind you of a song?
All: What song?
*Silence.*
Samneric: OH!
*Music cues in.*
Sam: Hello muddah!
Eric: Hello faddah!
Maurice: Here I am at--
Robert: --the.. uh.. metaphoric island!
Jack: The island's very..
Roger {evilly}: ..entertaining.
Ralph: And they say we'll have some fun if it's Roger we manage taming.
*Everyone laughs.*
Robert: I went hiking with Piggy.. Spivey.
Jack {smirking}: He developed poison ivy.
Piggy: You remember Robert.. Skinner.
Ralph {smirking}: He got food poisoning last night after dinner.
Jack {upset}: Hey! My cooking isn't that bad.
Piggy: There are no grown-ups.
Simon: There are no waiters.
Ralph: We think the lake has
Roger: Alligators!
Maurice: And the chief Jack wants no sissies,
Roger: And his mood is often very quite pissy!
*Jack screeches and leaps at Roger, tackling him to the ground.*
*The two wrestle each other on the floor, while the rest keep singing.*
Sam: Now I don't want this to scare ya.
Eric: But my twin Sam thinks he has malaria!
Ralph: You remember Simon.. Hardy.
Jack {still wrestling on the floor, laughing}: They're about to organize a searching party!
*Simon whines.*
Sam: Take me home, oh Muddah, Fadduh!
Eric: Take me home, I hate the island!
Piggy: Don't leave me here- there's a freak Roger, who's evil to the core.
*Roger growls, still wrestling around with Jack.*
Simon: And I might get eaten by a boar!
Ralph: Take me home!
Maurice: I promise I will not make noise,
Roger and Jack: Or mess the house with other boys!
Robert: Oh please don't make me stay,
Samneric: There are strong suspicions that Ralph and Jack are gay!
*Everyone pauses.*
*Jack throws Roger off, and stands up, glaring at Samneric.*
*Ralph glares at Samneric, as well.*
*Ralph and Jack scream wildly, both charging at Samneric at the same time.*
*Samneric scream, but are tackled by the two, falling to the ground, wrestling around.*
*Roger joins the fit of kicking, punching, and screaming.*
Robert: Dearest Fadduh.
Maurice: Darling Muddah.
Simon: How's my precious little bruddah?
Piggy: Please come save me, if you miss me.
Simon: Though you'd end up posting that, 'This Child is Missing!'
*Author gets up angrily, wailing.*
Maurice: Wait a minute!
Robert: Are we failing?
Piggy: The author's leaving!
Simon: The author's wailing!
*Roger is thrown off of the pile of boys.*
Robert: I think we might've..
Maurice: Failed our purpose!
Piggy: And I fear that--
Simon: Roger's lurking!
*Roger tackles Simon to the ground-- and manages to join back into the pile of the others wrestling.*
Maurice: I guess it looks like..
Robert: That time again.
Piggy: We're not going to hide..
Maurice: Off in a pig's den!
*Piggy glares.*
Robert: Guess it's time to
Maurice: Save the day!
*Piggy, Maurice, and Robert jump on to the pile of wrestling boys, and join in.*
Ralph and Jack: We've told you over and over that we are NOT gay!
*Music fades out.*
[Hours later: all the boys are beaten up, with black eyes, and whatnot.]
Simon: Everyone, the author left.
Ralph: Dammit.
Roger: Jolly good show, although!
Jack: Hah! I'm not in the choir for nothing!
The Other Choir Boys: Yeah!
*Silence.*
Piggy: We should go now.
Robert: Yeah.
Ralph: Good idea.
*Everyone stands.*
Jack: I lead! I'm chief!
Ralph: Not this again.
*Everyone screeches, chasing each other offstage.*
++THE END.++
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Dear God! Where'd that come from? Oh, well. That was REALLY strange, but nevertheless, I had a fun time writing it! ^.^ My own little memo to remind me to write and type more of the Consequences of Humankind.
Oh, and just a note, I have nothing against gays, so don't flame me for it. Eh. It's a parody, y'know. ^.^ ..I needed to incorporate the Ralph/Jack common slash. Ee!
Hope you liked!
Thanks for reading! XD
(*Lord of the Flies Humor Fic)
Disclaimer: I don't own any Lord of the Flies characters. I don't own the song that I made a parody of. Alright? ^.^
-------------------------------------------
(All Lord of the Flies Characters walk forward, on a stage in an auditorium, decorated with blue curtains; the floorboards are waxed and polished wood. There is no light other than upon the stage-- covering its span, and on the one person-audience-- the author, seated on a red, velvet chair about halfway up the auditorium.)
Author: I'm likin' the chair..
*Ralph coughs.*
Author: Oh, right, I'm watching now. [Shuts up.]
Ralph: We have a proposition..
*Wild screams erupt from Jack's tribe.*
Ralph: Shut up, already! I'm trying to speak!
Jack: Ooh, don't have your precious conch, do you?
Ralph: No, but, well, I..
Jack: Who cares?! I'm chief! Not you!
Roger: He's chief!
*More wild screams erupt.*
Author: SHUT UP! Let the boy speak, dammit!
*Jack whimpers.*
Jack {quietly, mumbling}: Who made her author?
Ralph: Anyway! As I was saying, we have a proposition!
*Wild screams erupt from Jack's tribe, again.*
Piggy: We are NOT starting this again!
Roger: Hey! Wait!
All: What?
Roger: But--
Piggy: I'm trying to speak!
Roger: I--
Jack: Quiet!
Roger: Killed--
Ralph: Stop!
Roger: Piggy!
Piggy: What?
Simon: You what?
Roger: AAHH!
Ralph: But you're dead!
Roger: And so is--
Jack: Didn't we tell you to shut up?
Roger: BUT!
*All erupt into mindless jabber.*
Author: EVERYONE, SHUT THE HELL UP!
Jack: Well you don't have to be so pushy! Hmf!
Samneric: Yeah!
Author: Where'd you two come from?
Sam: We were--
Eric: --always here.
Sam: Didn't you--
Eric: --notice us?
Author: Just forget I asked.
Sam: Ok--
Eric: --ay.
Ralph: I'm going to speak now.
*Ralph waits for wild screams.*
*The room is silent.*
Ralph: ..it's a miracle.
Samneric: Talk already!
Ralph: Okay, okay.
*Jack taps his foot, impatiently.*
Ralph: What's your problem?
Jack {peeved}: I have a pig to kill..
*Ralph rolls his eyes.*
Roger: What a prick.
Ralph: I AM NOT!
Roger: ARE TOO!
Ralph: AM NOT!
Roger: ARE TOO!
Author {quietly, losing patience}: ..my God..
*Author rubs her forehead.*
Simon {timidly}: The author is losing her patience, guys.
Maurice {sarcastically}: Well, let us bow to the high and mighty author.
Author: Good idea!
*Maurice begins bowing.*
Maurice: Hey! Stop! I don't want to bow do you! Hey!
All: SHUT UP!
*Maurice whines pitifully.*
Jack: Ralph, just say it. Spit it out, now!
*Everyone besides Ralph cheers for Jack.*
*Jack bows, blushing.*
Jack {quietly, blushing}: I love my public.
Ralph: I'm going to say it.
*Silence.*
Ralph {quickly}: Youneedtowritetherestofyourstory,theConsequencesofHumankindoritwilltakeyoufo revertogetitdone,don'tyouunderstand?Weneedtocontinuewiththestoryline,rightgu ys?Right?ThereIsaidit!WHOO!
All: What?
*Ralph faints.*
*Simon kneels beside Ralph, grabs a bucket of water from nowhere, and throws it on Ralph.*
*Ralph screeches.*
Piggy: What he's trying to say--
Jack: I know a lot better what he meant than you! He's trying to say that you, author-girl there, you need to finish writing the rest of your Lord of the Flies story-in-progress, or it'll take you forever to finish it. And no one wants that, right?
*Wild cheers.*
Jack: I love my public. [Eyes tear up.]
Robert: Yeah! We don't want to be stuck on the ship forever!
Roger: But being stuck on the island was fun..
Jack {laughing}: Oh yeah, real fun.
Ralph: You are a damned psycho!
Maurice: Wait, doesn't that remind you of a song?
All: What song?
*Silence.*
Samneric: OH!
*Music cues in.*
Sam: Hello muddah!
Eric: Hello faddah!
Maurice: Here I am at--
Robert: --the.. uh.. metaphoric island!
Jack: The island's very..
Roger {evilly}: ..entertaining.
Ralph: And they say we'll have some fun if it's Roger we manage taming.
*Everyone laughs.*
Robert: I went hiking with Piggy.. Spivey.
Jack {smirking}: He developed poison ivy.
Piggy: You remember Robert.. Skinner.
Ralph {smirking}: He got food poisoning last night after dinner.
Jack {upset}: Hey! My cooking isn't that bad.
Piggy: There are no grown-ups.
Simon: There are no waiters.
Ralph: We think the lake has
Roger: Alligators!
Maurice: And the chief Jack wants no sissies,
Roger: And his mood is often very quite pissy!
*Jack screeches and leaps at Roger, tackling him to the ground.*
*The two wrestle each other on the floor, while the rest keep singing.*
Sam: Now I don't want this to scare ya.
Eric: But my twin Sam thinks he has malaria!
Ralph: You remember Simon.. Hardy.
Jack {still wrestling on the floor, laughing}: They're about to organize a searching party!
*Simon whines.*
Sam: Take me home, oh Muddah, Fadduh!
Eric: Take me home, I hate the island!
Piggy: Don't leave me here- there's a freak Roger, who's evil to the core.
*Roger growls, still wrestling around with Jack.*
Simon: And I might get eaten by a boar!
Ralph: Take me home!
Maurice: I promise I will not make noise,
Roger and Jack: Or mess the house with other boys!
Robert: Oh please don't make me stay,
Samneric: There are strong suspicions that Ralph and Jack are gay!
*Everyone pauses.*
*Jack throws Roger off, and stands up, glaring at Samneric.*
*Ralph glares at Samneric, as well.*
*Ralph and Jack scream wildly, both charging at Samneric at the same time.*
*Samneric scream, but are tackled by the two, falling to the ground, wrestling around.*
*Roger joins the fit of kicking, punching, and screaming.*
Robert: Dearest Fadduh.
Maurice: Darling Muddah.
Simon: How's my precious little bruddah?
Piggy: Please come save me, if you miss me.
Simon: Though you'd end up posting that, 'This Child is Missing!'
*Author gets up angrily, wailing.*
Maurice: Wait a minute!
Robert: Are we failing?
Piggy: The author's leaving!
Simon: The author's wailing!
*Roger is thrown off of the pile of boys.*
Robert: I think we might've..
Maurice: Failed our purpose!
Piggy: And I fear that--
Simon: Roger's lurking!
*Roger tackles Simon to the ground-- and manages to join back into the pile of the others wrestling.*
Maurice: I guess it looks like..
Robert: That time again.
Piggy: We're not going to hide..
Maurice: Off in a pig's den!
*Piggy glares.*
Robert: Guess it's time to
Maurice: Save the day!
*Piggy, Maurice, and Robert jump on to the pile of wrestling boys, and join in.*
Ralph and Jack: We've told you over and over that we are NOT gay!
*Music fades out.*
[Hours later: all the boys are beaten up, with black eyes, and whatnot.]
Simon: Everyone, the author left.
Ralph: Dammit.
Roger: Jolly good show, although!
Jack: Hah! I'm not in the choir for nothing!
The Other Choir Boys: Yeah!
*Silence.*
Piggy: We should go now.
Robert: Yeah.
Ralph: Good idea.
*Everyone stands.*
Jack: I lead! I'm chief!
Ralph: Not this again.
*Everyone screeches, chasing each other offstage.*
++THE END.++
-----------------------------------------------------
Dear God! Where'd that come from? Oh, well. That was REALLY strange, but nevertheless, I had a fun time writing it! ^.^ My own little memo to remind me to write and type more of the Consequences of Humankind.
Oh, and just a note, I have nothing against gays, so don't flame me for it. Eh. It's a parody, y'know. ^.^ ..I needed to incorporate the Ralph/Jack common slash. Ee!
Hope you liked!
Thanks for reading! XD