A/N: Darry's thoughts at his parents funeral, when Pony leaves and when Soda dies in Nam. I am currently re-writing "Delirium" and "Nothing Gold Will Stay" (the oneshot). They'll be up soon.

Look at me…

Try, at least. Take one good look at me. Please.

Do you honestly think I can handle this?

Why?

Why did you have to leave? Why'd you… die? You left me, Dad. You left me, and Sodapop and Ponyboy. We can't handle that. I can't handle that.

Every day for as long as I can remember, I've seen the faces of Johnny, Two-Bit, Steve and Dally. Did you know Johnny's dad hits him? Did you know that none of them had ever known the privilege of having a loving mother and father whose always there for them?

I had that, Dad.

I don't now.

I'm making it. I am getting straight A's in my freshman year of college. When I was little, I never thought I'd get this far. But I am. I'm here. It feels so good, Dad. I want it.

But I can't have college. I can't have any of that anymore. Because if I go to college, I lose two of the best things in my life. I can't send my brothers away. It'd kill all three of us.

I trusted you. You said you'd always be here for us.

You're gone.

But I am not alone. Never. I have Sodapop, Ponyboy and myself. Go ahead and get all spiritual on me, Dad. Say that you're still with me, and I still have you.

Wrong. You're gone. Dead. You left us.

I'll go find work in the morning.

---

I can't. Can't.

Alone. My fault. What was I thinking?

I hit him. I hurt my baby brother. I hurt him. I should go to jail for the rest of my life. There's nothing I'll ever do to forgive myself…

I'm like Johnny Cade's parents now. Except they're not parents anymore. Because wherever Ponyboy went, he took Johnny with him.

Two. Gone.

My fault.

What have I done?

Soda turned on me for a while yesterday. He just spun around and started screaming at me, and then went and cried himself to sleep.

Three. I've hurt three. My brothers… does this mean I'm alone?

No. Because even if I don't forgive myself, Soda will forgive me. He got up this morning and apologized. I wished he wouldn't have. I wish he would have said I was a terrible person… I am… I am…

I hurt them all. What kind of a monster am I?

If he doesn't come back okay, I'll never forgive myself. Ever. Ever…

---

I lost him.

I.

Lost.

Him.

I… lost him. I can't hope he'll come back, because he's dead. Sodapop Patrick Curtis is just another name on the long lists in the newspaper. Killed in Vietnam.

What were my last words to you, Soda? 'You'll be okay'?

Now I'm a liar. I lost you after I lied straight to your face.

Ponyboy called from his college dorm, in hysterics, saying that he was coming back.

But what if I hurt him again? I can't live with that… Oh, god, I can't live with that.

It's all because of you, Dad.

No.

It's all because of me.