Keep Me Steady
He pressed his lips to hers softly, almost shyly as they settled down for sleep. When he went to pull away, she wrapped her arm around his neck and drew him back for another, more meaningful kiss. She had seen the look of hurt and embarrassment on his face earlier that evening and wished, then and there, that she could fold him into her embrace, shielding him from everyone and everything that caused him pain. And his gentle kiss only solidified that longing and that need to protect him.
When she pulled back, she cupped his cheek tenderly. "I love you, Charlie, and nothing is going to change that. You know that, don't you?"
His much larger hand came up and covered hers which still rested on his cheek. "I do, though I won't be the same man you married. I won't be the butler of Downton Abbey, or even a man with a proper job before long. I will be … oh, I don't know," he sighed, clearly frustrated with himself and the situation. He fell back onto the bed and closed his eyes, wishing it would all just go away, even for a moment, wishing he had a moments' peace from his trembling hand and his concerns.
She allowed him a moment to process his thoughts, to wallow briefly in his sorrow, before answering the question for him. "I'll tell you who are you. You're a kind man who provides so well for his wife and her sister. You're the greatest champion Lady Mary Crawley will ever have. You're a role model to the footmen, hall boys, and even Thomas. You're a man with a kind heart and a romantic side, too," she added, pressing a kiss to his shoulder. "But, aside from all of that, you are still, and always will be, the man who captured my heart, who holds me when I'm scared and tired, who loves me when I'm grumpy, and who overlooks my faults to see the best in me."
He turned his head and opened his eyes slowly, seeing nothing but love reflected in her bright blue eyes staring back at him. "I don't deserve you, you know." He closed the distance between them and kissed her soundly, silently thanking her for her kind and heartfelt words and for loving him despite his mood.
She took his hand in hers and rolled them onto their sides as she snuggled back into his embrace. "This is my favorite place in all the world," she said softly into the darkness of their room, burrowed deep in his arms in the warmth of their bed. "Goodnight, Charlie."
He pressed a tender kiss to her shoulder then one to the back of her head. "Goodnight, Elsie. I love you." His pressed his hand firmly against her stomach, noting how the tremors had subsided, at least for now.
She remained motionless, hoping that her stillness and his exhaustion would lead him to a peaceful sleep. But, that was not to be the case. She listened as the moments ticked by on the small alarm clock on his side of the bed, counting down the seconds before they had to dress and return to the house. She was just about to turn over in his arms when she felt him beginning to flex his hand and whisper into the darkness, assuming she was asleep and couldn't hear.
"I'm so sorry, Elsie. Had I known …" He flexed his hand again, wishing he could make the offending appendage work properly again. "If only I could stop the shaking when I hold things," he said, tightening his fist and sighing softly, his breath ruffling her hair. He rested his hand against her stomach once more, only for a moment, before repeating the process.
She could feel every movement he made, hear every bit of anguish in his voice, see every tear which wanted to fall from his eyes, though she made no effort to move. She knew he needed this time to gather his thoughts. It took all of her resolve not to cry, not to let her own emotions take over her.
"The house on Brouncker Road," he said through a heavily exhaled sigh. "How on earth will I ever complete that project? I can't let you do it all on your own, love. Should we sell it? If not, who will oversee and run it? It's not fair to ask you to do all the paperwork on your own. Will you even still want to run it as a bed and breakfast? His Lordship did say I would have a pension from the estate and we can stay on here. Oh Elsie … I feel so lost."
The entire time he had been talking, he had been forcefully clenching and unclenching his hand. Elsie knew, though, with his last uttered words that he had reached the breaking point. Carefully, she covered his hand with hers, lightly stroking the back of it with delicate strokes. She felt his entire body stiffen, wondering how much of his ramblings she had heard.
She brought his hand to her lips, taking time to kiss the pad of each finger, then his palm, the back of his hand, and finally his wrist. Ever so gently, she shifted so that she could fold his hand into hers, massaging it lovingly, smoothing her thumbs over his palm, her other fingers caressing his much larger ones. The longer she rubbed his hand, the more she could feel the tension starting to leave his body … so she continued on in silence until she was satisfied that he was calmer and more relaxed.
Elsie turned in their bed so she could face him, though she still cradled his hand to her chest, hugging it tightly above her heart. "I meant what I said earlier tonight, Charlie. I mean to make a go of it with you by my side. It will be a different life, but that doesn't have to mean it's a bad one … just different from what we'd planned."
He closed his eyes and resisted the urge to flex his hand, the one she held so lovingly against her body. "I don't doubt what you said, Elsie. I know you mean every word of it, but …"
"But, nothing, love." She released his hand, letting it linger on her chest, hovering above her heart. She waited for a few quiet moments. Eventually, she spoke again. "Do you feel that?"
He squinted his eyes, searching for some clue in her face in the darkness. "I feel your even breaths and your strong heartbeat."
"My breaths and my heartbeat which mean I'm alive and well. What you don't feel, and you haven't noticed yet because you're focusing on something other than the problem … your hand isn't trembling now. It hasn't been trembling since you allowed me to hold you, darling."
Involuntarily, he flexed his fingers then moved his hand to cup her cheek. His thumb brushed across her lips, marveling at the woman he loved, the one who always knew exactly what he needed. He watched her as she kissed his thumb then moved closer into his arms, wrapping as much of herself around him and against him as possible. "Will you hold me to keep me steady, Elsie?"
"For better for worse, in sickness and in health, as long as we both shall live … and beyond," she answered. "We will start on our new path together, and we will find a way, Charlie. Together. Hold my hand and we'll step into this bright, new, year and face whatever comes our way." She closed the distance between them and kissed him passionately on the lips, pouring every ounce of her energy into it.
Finally, Charles let go of his fears, his anger at his hand, his hurt, his disappointment. They all came spilling down his cheeks in the form of his salty tears and mingled with Elsie's tears of happiness and relief. Her proud husband had allowed her to be the strong one for a change. He had opened up for her to see him at his very lowest and had accepted her love and generosity, her unending devotion and optimism. He ended the kiss and buried his face in her neck, his hands resting confidently on her back, not a tremble to be felt in them. "And the house on Brouncker Road?"
"Will still need my wise and capable husband to oversee the renovations. Your guidance and plans are going to make that bed and breakfast house the best in the county, worthy of the name Carson, to be sure." She leaned back and wiped the tears from his cheeks. "And where you need help, I will be there to step up and do my bit. You once told me we'd share the duties, and I'm going to hold you to that, Mr. Carson."
He laughed softly as she used his words against him lovingly. "Tomorrow, I will speak to Thomas about his start date and to His Lordship about how he sees my new role in the household."
"Just remember that regardless of your position in that household, the one you hold in this one is the one I'm most proud of. And when I retire, I hope you'll be able to say the same of me."
"Elsie, I don't have to wait until then. You make the happiest and proudest man. I don't know how I would have faced this … this future … without you by my side."
She kissed his cheek and rested her head on his chest, lacing his fingers with hers. "Thank you," she said softly.
"For what? I should be thanking you."
"For letting me love you and for loving me in return."
He tightened his arm around her and kissed the top of her head. "Get some sleep, Mrs. Carson. Tomorrow starts a new adventure for us, and I have a feeling we're going to need all of our strength."
She gave his side a little tickle. "If you play your cards right, you certainly will, handsome."
A/N: Thanks so much to DameofDownstairs and Olehistorian for their encouragement and support with this story. I know the idea has been covered but this idea wouldn't leave me alone. If you have time and feel so inclined, I would love to hear your thoughts in a review!