This is a companion fic to 'Nobody' and 'Famous'. Hermione's POV on life, love, and perfection. See 'Nobody' for disclaimers and whatnot. Read and review!
I'm not perfect.
Everyone say that I am, thinks that I am, Little Miss I've-Never-Missed-A-Class-In-My-Life Granger.
But the truth is, I'm not.
I hate to disappoint people. It's my worst fear, the look in their eyes that says they expected better of me. So I do what they expect, what they want. The grades are for my parents- they were both top of their class in dental school. It's not that they push me, or get angry when I don't do everything right. It's just...they have such belief in me. They think I can do anything I want, and when my grades aren't up to par they assume I'm not trying, because obviously their little girl wouldn't ever find something just too hard, would she? The rules are for my teachers- I'm a Prefect; they want me to be Head Girl one day. They see in me all the personifications of their dreams for the future, every student they ever wished they had. To shatter their illusions is needlessly cruel when they have been nothing but kind to me. I have never felt so terrible as I did standing in Professor McGonagall's office in first year, having been found wandering the halls at night...no, I will never disappoint them again. I really do enjoy studying- but not as much as I seem to. I just can't face them.
The simple fact is, I'm lonely. No one bothers to see the person behind the grades, behind the perfect front. Harry and Ron have tried, but right now they're so wrapped up in each other that they might as well not know I exist. They think they're so clever, not looking at each other when people are watching, hiding the passion in their eyes. They think no one sees.
I do.
And it hurts, because I want someone to look at me that way. With love, and longing, and need. My parents would say it's just hormones, the whole teenage thing, but I know it's more. I just want someone to love me, to be in love with me that way. "Love is perfect, love is kind. Love is forgiving." It goes something like that, I think. Or I wish it did. Because if that's what love is, maybe being in love can make up for the fact that I'll never be as perfect as I should be. Maybe someone, someday, can adore me enough to forgive my flaws, so glaringly obvious to me and seemingly invisible to everyone else.
There is Victor. He's a sweetheart, and I think- think- that I could grow to love him, with time. But Bulgaria is so far away from Hogwarts. I miss him terribly, because he really doesn't care about my grades or my school record. He likes me- maybe even loves me- for me, not for my image, and I don't have the words to explain what that means to me.
But Bulgaria is so far away.
Sometimes, late at night when I can't sleep, I'll lay in bed and I can feel all the pain, all the loneliness, building and building in my chest. It's like a weight that's pulling me down further and further the longer I keep it inside. It's a bomb, waiting to go off, timer counting and counting and ticking on and on in my heart until I'm sure I'm losing my mind for the frustration of it all, and one day it's all going to burst out of me and I'll tell everyone that I'm tired of perfection. But until that day, I'll keep it all inside and try to be perfect, try to help everyone else with school and work and feelings and life - and hope that, somehow, I can keep control, for just one more day.
I live for the future, because everything is already planned. Perfect grades, Head Girl, job at the Ministry somewhere, marriage to a nice wizard one day...yes, everyone says my future is bright. My parents see it, my teachers, my friends....everyone knows exactly how my life will go. For that alone I want to scream. I can't exist in the moment, because it would be too much sensation, too much temptation, to just forget expectations for a bare instant...no. I'll try. I swear I'll try. Please just let me ber perfect for another day.
Finis.
I'm not perfect.
Everyone say that I am, thinks that I am, Little Miss I've-Never-Missed-A-Class-In-My-Life Granger.
But the truth is, I'm not.
I hate to disappoint people. It's my worst fear, the look in their eyes that says they expected better of me. So I do what they expect, what they want. The grades are for my parents- they were both top of their class in dental school. It's not that they push me, or get angry when I don't do everything right. It's just...they have such belief in me. They think I can do anything I want, and when my grades aren't up to par they assume I'm not trying, because obviously their little girl wouldn't ever find something just too hard, would she? The rules are for my teachers- I'm a Prefect; they want me to be Head Girl one day. They see in me all the personifications of their dreams for the future, every student they ever wished they had. To shatter their illusions is needlessly cruel when they have been nothing but kind to me. I have never felt so terrible as I did standing in Professor McGonagall's office in first year, having been found wandering the halls at night...no, I will never disappoint them again. I really do enjoy studying- but not as much as I seem to. I just can't face them.
The simple fact is, I'm lonely. No one bothers to see the person behind the grades, behind the perfect front. Harry and Ron have tried, but right now they're so wrapped up in each other that they might as well not know I exist. They think they're so clever, not looking at each other when people are watching, hiding the passion in their eyes. They think no one sees.
I do.
And it hurts, because I want someone to look at me that way. With love, and longing, and need. My parents would say it's just hormones, the whole teenage thing, but I know it's more. I just want someone to love me, to be in love with me that way. "Love is perfect, love is kind. Love is forgiving." It goes something like that, I think. Or I wish it did. Because if that's what love is, maybe being in love can make up for the fact that I'll never be as perfect as I should be. Maybe someone, someday, can adore me enough to forgive my flaws, so glaringly obvious to me and seemingly invisible to everyone else.
There is Victor. He's a sweetheart, and I think- think- that I could grow to love him, with time. But Bulgaria is so far away from Hogwarts. I miss him terribly, because he really doesn't care about my grades or my school record. He likes me- maybe even loves me- for me, not for my image, and I don't have the words to explain what that means to me.
But Bulgaria is so far away.
Sometimes, late at night when I can't sleep, I'll lay in bed and I can feel all the pain, all the loneliness, building and building in my chest. It's like a weight that's pulling me down further and further the longer I keep it inside. It's a bomb, waiting to go off, timer counting and counting and ticking on and on in my heart until I'm sure I'm losing my mind for the frustration of it all, and one day it's all going to burst out of me and I'll tell everyone that I'm tired of perfection. But until that day, I'll keep it all inside and try to be perfect, try to help everyone else with school and work and feelings and life - and hope that, somehow, I can keep control, for just one more day.
I live for the future, because everything is already planned. Perfect grades, Head Girl, job at the Ministry somewhere, marriage to a nice wizard one day...yes, everyone says my future is bright. My parents see it, my teachers, my friends....everyone knows exactly how my life will go. For that alone I want to scream. I can't exist in the moment, because it would be too much sensation, too much temptation, to just forget expectations for a bare instant...no. I'll try. I swear I'll try. Please just let me ber perfect for another day.
Finis.