AN: Happy Valentine's Day, take this uh Perry monologue?

Heinz.

I don't know how to tell you how much you mean to me. How much you've changed my life just by existing in it. How much I don't deserve you.

How do I even begin to explain something like that?

At the beginning, I suppose.

˃That he's evil.

I hated you, at first. How could I not? You were Evil, or at least I thought so at the time. Hating you was my job.

Knowing what I know now, you did your best to look it. The schemes, the evil monologue, the traps, and how can I forget the musical numbers? Everyone knows it's the villains who get the best musical numbers, and no one more than you.

I hated you for your incompetence, too. You always failed, every time, because you made it so easy to thwart you. Self-destruct buttons, long-winded monologues, weak points in the traps...

˃That he betrayed me.

When you finally managed to hurt me, it wasn't with a deadly trap like I'd expected. No, you found Peter the Panda. You replaced me. And it hurt. I think at the time it was the worst pain I'd ever felt.

I'd never been betrayed before. I shouldn't be surprised that you were the first. After all, you went on to be the first for a whole lot of other things.

Looking back, if you hadn't done it, I don't think any of the other firsts would have happened. I never would have realised how much you meant to me.

˃That he berates himself.

Do you remember what happened then? You made a promise, to only hurt me in the right way. Another first.

I couldn't help but pay attention after that.

And what I saw... I saw that you were hurting. More than that, I saw that you inflicted it upon yourself, for not measuring up to your brother, for not being the person your parents expected you to be, for still aching from everything you've been through.

But most of all, I saw that Evil was a cry for help. A desperate search for someone, anyone, to listen. And so I listened.

˃That he can be so thoughtless sometimes.

You take me for granted sometimes. Less so now, because we've both had to learn to compromise over these past few decades together, but when we were still figuring it out... Well. You used to assume I'd always be there, every day, to listen to you monologue about your life.

Sometimes I can't. Sometimes I don't want to.

Sometimes, hearing how the world mistreated you breaks my heart.

Then I'd come back the next day and you'd be all snippy, like I'd done something wrong. I resented you for that, for a while. Longer than I can be proud of.

˃That he treats Norm so horribly.

Norm got the worst of your thoughtlessness.

You didn't realise, at the time, how closely you were recreating your own past. I noticed, of course I noticed, but I couldn't say anything. Didn't know how to bring it up either.

Would you have hated me if I had? I still don't know.

I did what I could, spending time with him the way he'd wished you would do. Another father figure.

The day you'd realised what you'd done to him is still burned into my memory. You'd been so horrified. Proof that you're a better parent than your own were.

˃That he apologises for his parents.

I never did understand how you could still love your parents. After everything they've done to you, you've made excuse after excuse for why it's all someone else's fault instead. Mostly yours, and that's the worst part.

Even now, after you've cut them out of your life, you still love them.

You're a better person than I could ever be, Heinz. So much love in your heart, even for people who don't deserve it. Forgiveness, for people who took advantage of your giving nature.

It sounds strange, doesn't it? All your grudges, and you're the forgiving one? But it's true.

˃That he confuses me.

You've always been contradictory, for as long as I've known you. Longer, probably.

It took me a while to notice. You've always been good at putting up a façade, letting people see only what they wanted to see. You even fooled me, at first.

Then you asked for my help with Vanessa's birthday party. We were still enemies then, but how could I not?

After that, I saw you in a new light. The real you, nuanced, contradictory, human. Capricious, but reliably so. Determined, yet easily stopped. Evil, and a devoted father.

Someone I needed to hate and yet loved.

˃That he made me love him.

I hated you for that too, for making me love you without even realising it. For doing it so effortlessly.

You didn't even mean to, that's the worst part. So many complicated schemes for everything else, from taking over the Tri-State Area to cleaning up your apartment, but it's like you'd never considered the possibility that you could make me fall for you.

Maybe that's why it happened.

The more I fought you, the more I saw that you just needed someone to stop and listen, to acknowledge your pain, that you were so desperate you'd take anyone. Even me.

˃That he thinks he's evil.

It was my job to fight evil. To stop you. I didn't need to listen. But I did, and you know what I realised?

You were never evil, Heinz.

No matter how much you thought you were, no matter how well your parents had taught you to believe it, no matter how many people shunned you for what they chose to think about you, it was never true. I know you tried to be, you tried so hard to live up to those expectations, but you weren't. You couldn't.

The moment I noticed that, I think I hated you more.

˃That he doesn't see how much I love him.

I hated you so much. I still do.

But at the same time, and in the same ways, I love you.

When it comes to you, I feel everything so strongly. I adore you, with all of my heart. And I hate you, with every fibre of my being. You're my nemesis, my best friend, the love of my life. My everything.

I know you think I'm exaggerating, and I hate that you still think that after everything we've been through, but it's the truth. You, Heinz Doofenshmirtz, are the best thing to ever happen to me.

I love you.

AN: Crossposted from ao3 as always. *sigh* I miss blockquotes already.

So, this is chapter 1 of 10. I'd love to hear what you all think!