To Make A Decision

"You can tell me all your thoughts, about the stars that fill polluted skies

And show me where you run to, when no one's left to take your side

But don't tell me where the road ends,

cause I just don't wanna know, No I don't wanna know"

Angels On The Moon by Thriving Ivory

I feel sick to my stomach. Curled up next to Blank I feel nauseaous. Blank feels all wrong and smells like aftershave instead of oil and cigarettes like He does. Blank doesn't fit perfectly into my back like He did. I miss Him. I miss kissing Him and loving Him. I miss Him loving me. The days before I walked in on Him with Jessie Fitzgerald in bed. The days when I could love Him without looking at myself in the mirror and asking myself why the hell I was still there. The days when I was enough for Him.

I got up from the bed kissing Blank's forehead when he stirred and grabbed for me. Even if I didn't love him I would treat him well. He was my boyfriend and he took care of me. Even though he knew that my heart didn't belong to him, because of Him. Blank understood that he was my second choice not the first. Blank knew that if I could go back and stop Him from doing what he did I would. He knew all this but he stayed and that meant more to me than any thing he could do for me.

I hurried to the bathroom and turned on the shower. My first class was starting in an hour. But my feet slowed down suddenly the idea of college was making me sick even though I'd been in college for two years now. College had been one of the factors in His and I's fall out. He had no plans and I held onto my life-long dream of Brown like it was a lifeline. In the end that intitally hadn't torn us apart. Weak will and ignorance had.

I stared at myself in the mirror. My eyes were dark and my hair was stringy. Sleep was a figment of my imagination and the shadows under my eyes were dark purple and black. My hair had lost it's luster over the years and now it only grew back it's volume if I really worked for it. My skin shone like it had before, the soft pale skin the one beauty that I had left. He had always loved my skin. He liked to run the palms of his hands down my stomach and back. He especially liked the friction of his rough, olive toned skin against my smooth, pale skin. { : ) that was meant exactly as all you are thinking of it as.} He loved her, period. But not anymore. And it sickened her that somewhere deep down inside her she still loved him.

I grabbed my brush and stroked it through my long hair. As she brushed it appeared to get more volume and regain some of it's old luster but like her, it wasn't the same. She put the brush down and lifted up her shirt. There tattoed onto her skin just above her hip bone was the letters, P V. Patrick Verona. She could have gotten it taken off years ago, maybe even mere minutes after she found him in bed with someone else. But she couldn't do it. That tattoo symbolized their relationship. That tattoo symbolized him and despite her actions she loved him more than anything. She loved him more than she loved Blank, that was for sure.

But she had made a decision. To forever give up on Him. To move on without a backwards glance and when Kat Stratford made a decision she stuck to it. even if she really didn't want to. But she could remember the day she found him. She remembered it like it was yesterday. She found him in bed groaning out Jessie's name as he came inside her. And the image of that day would forever be in her mind. But she made a decision. And she'd stick by it.

A/N

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