This takes place the night of Sancuary (18x21). Olivia is on her way home after being told by Dodds, Sr of the bombing at the Harlem mosque.

Chapter 1

Olivia's POV.

The entire way home Olivia was shaken…by the Samra verdict, by the bombing at the Harlem mosque, by the five that were killed, and by Rafael Barba. With everything that happened that day, why couldn't she get this man out of her mind?

Olivia's mind was racing on the drive home. She began to think out loud.

"Disenchanted? Who uses that word, anyway? No, I'm not upset with him. I'm really not. We've always worked well together and yes, we sometimes have very different perspectives on an issue. We don't always agree on cases but we've constantly made our professional relationship work. Why would he ask if I was disenchanted with him?

Damn it! Olivia, stop! Just stop!"

But no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't shake the feeling. She wasn't sure what the feeling was exactly, but it would not leave her.

It was 9pm by the time Olivia turned the key in her apartment door. She was emotionally exhausted and she'd never been happier to be home. After telling Lucy goodnight, Olivia quietly walked into Noah's room, gently kissed her sleeping son on the forehead, stroking his dark hair she whispered "Good night sweet boy… I love you." After a quick shower, Liv changed into her favorite t-shirt and yoga pants. She crashed on the sofa, glass of cabernet in hand and she tried to unwind watching an old black and white movie on television. But her mind kept returning back to the ADA.

As part of her therapy with Dr. Lindstrom, he had suggested Olivia might want to start a journal. He explained that it would make her thoughts a bit clearer and would help in processing whatever it was she was feeling that day. Also, it would be good way to track her emotions and if there were any triggers she was unaware of. She had been journaling off and on since the William Lewis kidnapping. But this entry tonight would be like no other…the only thing on her mind….her colleague, her friend, Rafael Barba.

Her entry began ….

Why does this man constantly get to me? Why do I always LET this man constantly get to me? I like Rafael, I really do. He's a good man, an excellent ADA (probably the best I've ever seen in my entire time at SVU), he's a wonderful son to Lucia, and he's always been a good friend to me. He truly has. He's always been there whenever I needed an ear, for whatever reason.

While I was in the process of adopting Noah and we discovered that Johnny D was Noah's biological father, Rafael was the first one I turned to. He was prosecuting Johnny Drake, that's true, so when Melinda gave me the news about the DNA, I did need to tell him because of the case. Plus I needed a legal ear to advise me if I should or was even legally obligated to disclose Noah's birth father. But if I'm completely truthful with myself, I wanted him here… I needed him here to help me. I suppose I could have called Trevor, after all he was Noah's attorney. But I wanted Barba. I needed Rafael here.

Then there was the William Lewis trial the year before. Rafael kept me sane. He kept my mind and emotions in check. He'll never understand how grateful I am HE was the one to prosecute Lewis. But, I'm even more grateful that he was there for me, as a friend, as a sounding board, or just to let me cry if need be. I let Rafael Barba see me cry. For the rest of the world, I've always felt like I needed to be on guard….a rock. But with Rafael I thought…hell I know…that's just pointless. He sees right through that.

I swore that after the Lewis trial, I would never lie under oath again. Barba knew…he knew why I did it. I told him, but he'd already known. He knew from the beginning and he understood. But I couldn't do it again…Lying never works out well for me. NEVER AGAIN. Then the Samra rapes and murders happened.

I was furious… BEYOND furious when he asked me to lie under oath during the Samra trial about that damn phone call that never happened. I couldn't believe what he was asking me to do! Him of all damn people! But as upset and frustrated as I sometimes get with him, it's always easy to forgive him. Even when the stubborn streak in me doesn't want to, I can't help but forgive him. The fact is, all aspects of our now 5 yr working relationship have been extraordinarily easy and it has been that way from the beginning…since that first case we worked together.

When we talk, he can damn near finish my sentences. He knows my thoughts, my thought process and it's as if he knows what I'm going to say before it comes out of my mouth…and…. I trust him. For the first time since I can remember, I can honestly say he is the one man I have totally, completely and without question trusted…with everything….ever.

Olivia suddenly stopped, realizing the gravity of what she's just written.

She whispered… "Oh my God."

Tears began to fill Olivia's eyes as she struggled to see the words she had written. Her hands began to shake as she tried to write….but her emotions overcame her and tears streamed down her face. That feeling she couldn't shake…she knew. She knew what it was. She knew why it was so strong, so overwhelming, so overpowering. In a shaky voice she said to herself, "Why didn't I see this before?"

Olivia sat and stared at her written words for what seemed like hours. She re-read over and over again the words SHE had just written. Finally, she put her journal down, wiping her eyes and picked up her cell phone, sending a text to the number she has texted hundreds if not thousands of times before.

Hey, are you awake?

Liv? Yes, I'm awake. Is something wrong?

U still up for that drink? My place? I have your favorite scotch.

After what seemed an eternity…. a reply came through.

I can be there in 10.

Perfect.

Olivia smiled as she put down her phone. She walked to the kitchen and pulled the Scotch and a glass from the cabinet. Bringing it to the coffee table, she sat and waited for him to make his way the few blocks to her apartment. Not sure of what she'd say when he did arrive, she knew it had to be said…. She loved him. The same man who frustrated and infuriated her at times….this was the same man she was in love with. Maybe, just maybe….he loved her too?

Just as she began to second guess her decision she heard a knock at her door. "This is it" she said. She took a very deep breath. Unsure of how this night would unfold, she knew one thing was certain….after tonight, good or bad….nothing would be the same.