If you know me, don't read this. You really don't want to. It's better that I stay the innocent girl you know and love.
Warnings: Implied abuse. If you think the world is full of puppies and kittens, and children never get hurt, you shouldn't read this. It's about dealing with the truth. This is my story.
Lyrics: The Fray, Little House. You should definitely listen. If you Google it there's a YouTube video of Kairi and Sora set to the song.
Namine's point of view.
-----
Kairi always told the best stories…
-----
We were just kids, out in the backyard jumping on the trampoline on a hot summer day. She was my cousin; she was my best friend. It was the last day of school and we had a whole summer to look forward to together…
Kairi jumps and sends me flying, almost right over the safety net. I feel like I'm flying before crashing back down with a laugh.
"So, Namine, do you have a crush on anyone?"
"Umm…yeah…"
"Come on, tell me! Who?"
"Umm… his name is Roxas…"
"Really? What color hair does he have?"
"Blonde"
"Hey, I think I saw him the other day… he was with this other boy with brown hair…"
"Sora?"
"Yeah! They were talking about you!"
"Really!?"
"Yeah! Roxas said 'She's really cute' and then Sora was like 'Yeah Roxas, Namine's a hot tamale!' and well… there's a Namine at our school, but she's fat, so it had to be you!"
"You're sure it was them? What color eyes did they have?"
"What color eyes does Roxas have?"
"Well, he has blue eyes…"
"Yeah, that's what color they were! You two will make such a cute couple!"
By the time summer was over, and school started again I had forgotten all about how Roxas supposedly liked me… but it didn't matter.
It had made me so happy… I always believed her stories.
-----
She doesn't look, she doesn't see
Opens up for nobody
Figures out, she figures out
-----
It was fall now. We sat together behind the huge old tree that held our favorite swing. Our legs dangled over the edge of the cement barricade that held up the dirt. We were looking past the empty road, watching the sun setting in the forest…
Kairi put her hands to her mouth and made a bird call.
"He's out there, somewhere…"
"Who?"
Kairi gazed out into the woods.
"Dakota… He's an Indian. Every night he meets me here and calls to me."
She made another call.
"He rides up on his painted horse and takes me away. We ride through the woods all night."
"Really?"
"M-hm. We're in love. One day I'll write a book all about it."
"That's amazing…"
She made one last call.
"I'd go with him tonight, but you're here with me," she paused, "Did you hear that?"
I listened, and out in the woods I swear I heard him calling back…
It was her dream… I believed her.
-----
Narrow line, she can't decide
Everything short of suicide
Never hurts, nearly works.
-----
It was winter. It was nighttime. We stood across the street from the house, under a streetlight, as the snowflakes swirled around us. We had gotten in trouble that day… I had been paddled… Kairi got the belt…
Kairi had a small backpack swung over her shoulder. It held a loaf of bread, a jar of peanut butter, and a knife snuck from the kitchen.
"Look Namine," Kairi held up a small key.
"What's that?"
"It's a key to the dollar store. I saw the lady who works there drop it in the snow."
"Are you serious?"
"Of course. I ran away there before. The lady left donuts in there last time, maybe there are some more."
"Kairi, I'm scared…" tears started falling down my face.
"Don't worry. We can sleep in there. They have everything we need; clothes, shoes, toys, everything! We can even take a little money from the cash register to eat."
"I…I can't…"
The streetlight cast an orange glow on Kairi's face. She was desperate.
"Come on Namine! Run away with me! Everything will be better… They'll be so worried about us! If you get lonely, we'll come back… they'll be nicer, they'll appreciate us! We have to go!"
"…I'm sorry…"
I fell to my knees in the snow, sobbing. Kairi stormed off.
Through my tears, I looked up at the streetlight. Millions of snowflakes fell around me, glittering in the lonely orange light…
If only I could run away with you, to the dollar store and everything would be all right…
I still believed her.
-----
Something is scratching
Its way out
Something you want
To forget about.
-----
Kairi always had dreams.
-----
It was almost Christmas time. It was barely dawn and Kairi had woken me up.
"Wake up Namine!" she whispered.
The house was silent and dark. Everyone was still asleep.
"We have to plan our gingerbread house!" Kairi was holding a notebook and a flashlight.
"…Do you even have anything to make it with?" I asked sleepily.
"This year my mom is coming to visit. It'll be so great! She says she's going to bring candy and make it with us!"
"Okay," I rolled over to face her, resting my head on my hand.
"First, we'll have a Mentos path! With candy canes on the side… and a chocolate door!" She said, drawing it out in pen. "Oh, and Red Hots everywhere!"
"…I think we should put Skittles and M&M's on the roof, with gumdrops in the middle."
It was supposed to be a surprise. We stayed up planning until everyone woke up. I really hoped we could make a gingerbread house that year…
Kairi's mother never came.
-----
A part of you that'll never show
You're the only one that'll ever know
Take it back when it all began
Take your time, would you understand
What it's all about?
What it's all about?
-----
Why can't dreams just come true?
-----
It was getting late; we were in our pajamas. The adults were watching TV, and we were supposed to be quiet. We sat off to the side, under a floor lamp, playing with the Barbie dolls that could make all our dreams come true...
Kairi held up her doll.
"She's an actress, and she models on the weekends!" Kairi whispered to me.
"Mine's a doctor… umm…and she models too!"
"Let's have them go to a ball!"
"Okay!"
Kairi started to vividly describe the ball…
"Anastasia enters the ballroom. All eyes are on her as she walks down the red-velvet carpeted stairs, her hand gliding down the golden railing. In high heels, her dainty feet step onto the shiny marble floor. And that's when it happens. She sees him. The prince looks at her and its love at first sight…they're together happily ever after…"
Her words seemed to come to life… I could see it all; golden pillars, chandeliers, a giant cake, princes and princesses. It was beautiful.
"Bedtime!" It always came too soon.
Everyone went to their rooms. Kairi and I were staying in the living room. I listened to her finish her story and fell asleep, dreaming of prince charming.
I was awakened in the night by hands on my back.
"Kairi?"
"Shh…" said a deep voice. It was not Kairi.
Marluxia? It was Kairi's uncle, a very distant cousin of mine. (Kairi and I were distant cousins ourselves.)
I didn't know what was going on. I was scared, but I was lightheaded… it felt like a dream. Marluxia began rubbing my back, under my nightgown. I was so confused… my heart was racing with fear, but… I liked the attention. Somehow I felt… special. That was all he did, and then he kissed me on the cheek, whispering 'Goodnight Namine' in my ear.
I never told anyone.
-----
Something is scratching its way out
Something you want to forget about
No one expects you to get up
All on your own with no one around
-----
There was one story Kairi could never tell.
-----
One day Kairi came to me with a storybook. It was full of stories about all kinds of things. It was meant to help children know what the right thing to do was. She pointed to a page.
"Read this, it's a good story."
I still remember it…
It was about a girl who stole a laser pointer from her teacher. Her best friend caught her with it and asked why she would take it. The girl went on to tell her a shocking story about how her uncle climbed into bed with her at night and how she just wanted the laser pointer to shine on the ceiling to distract herself.
I wondered why she had showed it to me. It was not a good story, like she said… It was terrible.
-----
I didn't want to leave her.
-----
Years went by. When I was 11 my mother told me that we were moving. Her marriage was over. It had left her thin and sick, she just looked so tired. So dead. Everyone said that being with him had almost killed her… We were leaving to live with her mother now.
It felt like Kairi and I were never going to see each other again. The day that we left, Kairi was there to help us move, she was 12 by now.
"I'm going to miss you so much Namine," she gave me a hug.
"I love you Kairi," I said, as I started crying on her shoulder.
We set off a balloon. It was Kairi's idea. We attached an index card to it with our names and phone numbers on it, saying to call if you found it. She said she knew it would go far.
From the car, I waved until I couldn't see her anymore. Then I kept my eyes on the balloon.
I still remember… it was orange…
One day I got a call from Kairi. She said that someone had found the balloon and called her.
"They're twin boys, they found it in a lake while they were canoeing!"
I didn't really believe her… but I still wanted too.
-----
Something is scratching its way out
Something you want to forget about
No one expects you to get up
All on your own with no one around
-----
Now we were teenagers; all grown up. I was visiting Kairi, she lived in a different house now too… Marluxia was there, I hadn't seen him in years. I always felt uncomfortable around him… He creeped me out.
Kairi asked him for a back rub… and I remembered what had happened all those years ago.
When he was done, Kairi said, "He gives the best backrubs, you should have one Namine."
Marluxia asked if I wanted one. Everything seemed fine … so…
"…Sure…" I said.
It felt nice… but then the memory started driving me crazy. His hands slid just centimeters farther than they should have, and suddenly I felt sick. Maybe I imagined it, but his breathing seemed uneven. I just wanted him off of me, now. I laid there with my face in the carpet, praying to God he didn't notice me tense up.
When it was finally over, I met Kairi in her room.
"My back feels so much better now," she said.
"Yeah, it was nice…" I said, "…Actually…umm… now that I think of it, Marluxia giving us backrubs when we were little, was just slightly creepy," I tried to casually bring up the subject…
"Yeah…"Kairi said, suddenly looking down. She didn't sound like her normal happy self… She quickly changed the subject.
-----
Sometimes nightmares are real.
-----
"Namine there's something I need to tell you…"
Kairi's little sister brought me into Kairi's room and shut the door behind us.
"You need to sit down…" she said, "Alright, this may come as a surprise, and it might shock you, but I need to find out if it happened to you too…"
My stomach lurched. I knew exactly what she was talking about…
Somehow I had always known…
She told me everything. I couldn't even comprehend it; I didn't want to think it; it couldn't be true… but I knew it was…
Marluxia was a rapist.
"So it never happened to you?"
"No, I don't think so… I don't remember…" I was crying.
I had never hated someone so much in my life.
-----
Something is scratching its way out
Something you want to forget about
No one expects you to get up
All on your own with no one around
-----
Kairi had always been my best friend in the world…
Finding out; actually knowing what happened, killed me inside. I was filled with rage and sadness and disbelief. This may sound stupid, but what hurt the most was that I couldn't protect her… I felt so helpless and guilty. Kairi was always the one who protected me, my whole life… she always defended me. If I had only just spoken up… maybe I could've stopped everything.
I just wanted to talk to Kairi… but I just couldn't.
I tried to bring it up online. I sent a message I didn't even think she would understand…
I need to talk to you about something…
something you don't know that I know,
but did you forget? I was there…
Say what?:
what are you talking about?
im sure theres a ton of random stuff it could be...
explain yourself girl!
I never brought it up again.
-----
Kairi had changed. She no longer told stories… she didn't need them anymore. Now instead of stories, she had... everything. Now she had makeup and boyfriends. Now she was the hot, popular, athletic, smart, funny, perfect girl. Everyone loved her.
She seemed to have gotten over everything that had happened… but I couldn't.
It kept me up at night. I had nightmares… I couldn't forget.
I was the one with issues… I was depressed and alone… I couldn't even talk to people.
I felt so… numb. Kairi was the only one who could make me laugh and smile for real… even if I was sobbing and pissed off at her.
Kairi was living her life. It was her story now.
So why couldn't I live my life, write my story?
Why can't I get over this? What's wrong with me?
Nothing ever even happened to me…right? Right?!
-----
But I would never ask. I would never risk ruining her story. Kairi was finally truly happy, and that was all I ever wanted.
-----
She doesn't look, she doesn't see
Opens up for nobody
Figures out, she figures out
Narrow line, she can't decide
Everything short of suicide
Never hurts, nearly works
Something is scratching its way out
Something you want to forget about
A part of you that'll never show
You're the only one that'll ever know
Take it back when it all began
Take your time, would you understand
What it's all about?
What it's all about?
Something is scratching its way out
Something you want to forget about
No one expects you to get up
All on your own with no one around
Something is scratching its way out
Something you want to forget about
No one expects you to get up
All on your own with no one around
-----
And now I write stories to cover my pain.
-----
A/N: Every word of this story is true. You can't make this shit up. It's the story you never hear; that's why I had to tell it. It happens so much more often than you think.
1 in 4 girls is sexually abused before the age of 18.
1 in 6 boys.
I hope this story helps people understand.
Rapists and child abusers can die and rot in hell.