A/N: Hello all! This story is meant to parody Mary-Sues and what they have done to certain characters in our favorite books. This story is not meant to offend anyone. Also, I have based this story and its titular organization off of the brilliant work of the PPC. However, I do not intend to copy their work. If you believe I am straying too close to their methods, feel free to PM me or write a review. Thank you to all who took the time to read this rather long note (I promise, they will get shorter) and without further ado, Meet the MoCS!
Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings, The Hobbit, Les Miserables, or Chronicles of Narnia. They belong to their respective owners.
Meet the Militia of Canon Security
Chapter 1: Thrice-Damned Demons!
The room was dark, but there was light from the torches held on the walls.
The ceiling reached high into the darkness, and the top could not be seen. Benches carved of stone surrounded a small open space like an amphitheater, and where the stage would have been, a magnificent throne sat. And in this room, a small crowd sat and listened to the speech of a tall, proud dwarf.
"...it is an abomination! We have been forced to enter one hell after another thanks to the whims of these writers! They have no sense of honor!" The speaker was obviously a king, his noble bearing told that much. His clothes were travel-stained and mended in more than one place, but it did not take away from his intimidating aura.
This dwarf was Thorin Oakenshield, son of Thrain, son of Thror, King Under the Mountain.
A small figure, none other than Bilbo Baggins, stood up from the front row of benches and agreed with Thorin, "It can't get much worse than this! All of you know what happened last time!" A murmur of assent rippled through the crowd. Last time had simply ripped all the spirit out of them. It was time to put a stop to this.
From the second row, a short woman with a scarred face stepped down to the center of the room next to Thorin. She said, "Thorin, you know we can help you. We sincerely want to, but the degradations occurring in the Les Miserables reality have stretched my forces thin. We simply don't have the time or personnel to help you." She flicked back her dark hair when an errant strand loosed itself from her loose bun.
"In other words," Thorin retorted, "You can't help us." The crowd growled. They needed help, and this woman and her allies were the only help they could get.
The woman shook her head. "No, I can't help you, but there is another option."
Bilbo called out from the first row again, "You surely aren't suggesting that we surrender to them? We would not survive if we do that!" The crowd shouted their agreement to Bilbo's statement.
She grimaced, and the scars on her cheek twisted her features. "I would never recommend surrendering to those, those devils!" She spat out the last word, as if it were poison.
"However, my suggestion is simple. My trained forces are now occupied, and those already stationed here have become overwhelmed dealing with the Fellowship's problems." She continued her speech, walking around the perimeter of the center, "We have had trouble recruiting new soldiers, but now, we can remedy that situation. My plan is to fight fire with fire. May I?"
The last question she directed at Thorin, who had a brooding look on his face. He nodded, and watched as the woman pointed to the wall behind her. Three faces appeared, and the crowd gasped in fear, thinking these were the faces of their enemies, but the woman relieved their fears by saying, "My intelligence forces have pinpointed three suitable subjects for my plan. They are similar to your enemy, but they are completely different as well. They wish to help your cause, and they will do so with a little persuasion. I do not have the trainers available to teach them, but I believe you can become decent trainers for them."
A tall, bearded figure stood up in the front row next to Bilbo and said, "I can see where this is going, and I do not like this plan. How do we know they won't turn on us? How do we know they won't become like the others?"
The short woman smiled, "We have tested this in the Narnia reality and it works quite well. It will require you to bond with them, and yes I know you do not like that aspect, but there is a 99.9% chance this will work. It is the only option we can give you."
The crowd rumbled with worry, but there was a ray of hope. If this worked, their problems would be solved.
Thorin looked out at the crowd. Most of them nodded their heads, and this plan did seem that it could work. "We accept this temporary plan of action," he said, stressing the need for it to be temporary, "Until you have amassed such forces needed to give us proper protection. Thank you, Supreme General."
"It is my pleasure to protect you, and I promise, the Militia Council will assign soldiers to your reality when they are available," the Supreme General answered, "And I promise, these girls will protect you from the Mary-Sues and Slash-Demons. They will be as efficient as any of our troops are."
"They had better be," Thorin said under his breath. He was NOT going to be possessed by a Slash-Demon again. He prefered being able to talk to Bilbo without trying to kiss him than what those thrice-damned monsters did to him!