Title: I Will Follow You Into the Dark
Timeframe: 10 years post-Sacrifice
Characters: Luke, Ben. Others mentioned.
Rating: PG
Genre: One-Shot, Songfic
Summary: Ten years after the events that occurred in LotF Sacrifice, Luke finds a way to cope with life alone.
Disclaimer: I'm just playing in George's sandbox. All rights go to Lucasfilm Ltd., Del Rey, and various authors. Lyrics in italics from "I Will Follow You Into the Dark" by Death Cab for Cutie.
This started as a 100 word drabble I was writing while trying to get my mojo back so I can finish Reparation and the plot bunny bit and wouldn't let go. It's a bit darker than what I normally write and the first thing I've ever written in first-person.
Thanks for the click!
-Liz
I Will Follow You Into the Dark
By Elizabeth Odessky
Love of mine some day you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark
No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark
If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
It's been ten years. A decade since that day. To some, it must seem like a lifetime ago. But not to me. I feel the wounds as fresh as if it were only yesterday. The pain still cuts as deep as the first realization of what I had lost. It is a gaping hole that will never be filled.
We were supposed to go on a vacation; just to get away from it all. Just us. Just Ben, Mara, and I. Needless to say, we never got the chance.
It's funny; you never really realize how much they meant to you until they're gone. Once reality breaks its way through all of your carefully constructed barriers do you finally realize that you'll never see them again. All the missed opportunities. All the wasted years. What I wouldn't give to have a chance to turn back time. To start over and make sure those ten years it took for us to realize what everyone else knew didn't go to waste. Things would have been so different.
They say that when you're dying, your life flashes before your eyes. It makes me wonder what she saw. Did she what I am seeing now? Did she focus on her life spent serving Palpatine, or her life with me by her side? I suppose the latter. I wish I could have been there, if only to hold her one last time and whisper insignificant nothings in her ear. Like that night on Niruan so long ago.
She tried for so long to run away from her past. And me, for that matter. It didn't matter that I loved her unconditionally, ever since I saw her after gaining consciousness on Myrkr, back when she still wanted to kill me. She didn't trust herself enough to allow anyone close her. She spent so much time alone. A self-induced punishment that she never deserved.
I'm still not sure what happened. To this day, it still amazes me. After years of a strained and barely existent friendship (if you could even call it that), suddenly 'me and mine' became 'us and ours'. Everything from that point on is just a whirlwind of memories and emotions. I wish I had taken the time to slow down and really cherish what I had.
It is still strange, looking at our son. He has so much of Mara in him that it sometimes makes me ecstatic and despondent at the same time. From his bright red hair to his wry comments and penchant for off-color and derogatory humor, it's almost like having her back again. Personality wise, at least.
Ben is twenty-four now, an accomplished Jedi Knight. Ten years has done wonders for him; it's matured him and turned him into a man. She would have been so proud of him, and he knows it. It just hurts him that he'll never hear her tell him. After Kavan, Jaina took it upon herself to take Ben under her wing. Trying to make up for where her brother failed, I suppose. I really need to thank her for that.
He's been married for two years now. His wife, Jysella, is six months pregnant with their first child. I hear he plans to name her after his mother. I know he never missed her more than on his wedding day.
I sense his fear and agitation in the Force, and I know that he is on his way to find me. He knows what is happening. It must be working faster than I assumed, for me to lose control and let my presence become known within the Force again. I eye the syringe that I discarded. There is nothing that he can do now.
I'm not leaving him alone; Mara would have my head if I did. He'll have Jaina. I gave her a seat on the council eight years ago, along with the accompanying rank. I couldn't think of anyone who deserved the honor more. She's worked wonders with Ben. With all of us, really. She was the one that kept us together after Kavan. It fell to her to put a stop to Caedus, and she did. Mara would have been proud.
Ben has come to look to Jaina as a mother figure for a decade now. But he never saw her as a replacement. No one could ever be as perfect as his mother. For him, there isn't a single person alive who can fill her shoes.
I can't help but look at Jaina when Mara is brought up in council meetings or when she is with Ben. She seems haunted, a faraway look in her eyes. My wife was her best friend and mentor. Jaina longs to turn back time as much as I do. I know what happened to her brother and aunt haunts her almost every night. She feels guilty, I can tell. She shouldn't.
She has two children now; eight year old Jedi twins. She lost their younger brother during pregnancy; a stillbirth, it still haunts her to this day. Her children are the light of her life. Davin, the oldest, is loud and passionate about everything and takes after his mother in the wit department. His sister is his polar opposite; quiet, sensitive, but has his mother's talent for mischief. Jaina named her Padmé; after the grandmother she never knew but she feels she owes everything to.
Jagged Fel is the father; I can just imagine Mara's laughter directed at the poor man. But I know she would have given everything to be at the wedding. She watched Jaina grow up, after all.
I've tried. For ten years now. For a decade I've woken up every morning trying to put a smile on my face but always failing miserably. Leia tries her best to pull me out of my despondency. So does Han. I'm not sure where I would be without them. But nothing can turn back time. It's sickening how history repeats itself.
I've tried for so long. I hope they understand. I've tried for so long to put the past behind me, to move on. But I can't. Not a day goes by when I don't think of her. Every time I look at Ben and see his determination. Every time I hear one of Jaina's comebacks or see her sitting in Mara's place at council meetings. Every time Leia looks at me with guilt and pity written all over her features. Every time Han pats me on the back and calls me 'kid' like no one is missing and nothing ever happened.
I feel like a shell of a person. Like half of the man I used to be. My other half, the rest of my being, struck down by a man I once considered family as some form of a perverted sacrifice. She would have wanted me to forgive him, but I'm not sure I will ever be able to. Even now, moments from death, I am still angry at my long dead nephew.
Has it really been ten years Mara? It only feels like yesterday when I last held you.
The galaxy has changed. People have accepted, adapted, and moved on. I haven't. There is no place for me here in this new world. The next generation is ready and willing and it's time that I pass the torch onward. My place was by her side. I'll be able to hold her again soon.
Ben bursts into my quarters, looking around frantically before his gaze lands first on the empty syringe and then me. In one horrible second, he knows. After a few expected moments of shock, disbelief, and denial, his features settle into a look of acceptance.
He understands.
He comes and sits by my side, taking my hands in his own and lowering his head as my vision fades to black. I don't say anything. I don't have to. He knows how proud of him I am and how much I love him. He'll never be alone. He'll always have Jaina and Han and Leia. I am comfortable with that knowledge. I know that they love him as much as his mother and I do.
I'm going home. I'll get to see Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru. I get to see Biggs and Ben and my father again. I'll be reunited with so many friends.
I'll be able to tell Anakin how proud we all are of him.
I'll finally meet the one woman in the galaxy I'd give anything to know; I'll meet my mother.
I'll get to hold Mara again. And this time I'm never letting go.
I raise the corners of my mouth in a slight smile as I feel my body begin to dissipate and become one with the Force. I grip Ben's hand one last time as I feel his hot tears land on the back of my hand; a goodbye for my only son. And then it all goes black.
"Farmboy?"
So, what'd you think? Drop me a review and let me know (please no flames).
And yes, I know—Luke would never do that and it's very OOC for him, but it's just a fanfic.
-Liz