When the Sun Rises

I stand in your door way

With a shirt on

The sun, it leaks through your window

And turns your crimson hair

Orange

A flame on your white sheets

Guest sheets

As you coil in your blanket

With your arm outstretched…

My feet don't make a sound on the floor

Wooden

But my body is heavy

Heavy with inner anguish

Grief

And it makes the boards creak

Until I'm hovering over you

And my head's hanging low

Trying to shield myself from the light

You won't touch me

And look at me through your brown gems

And disregard my exploding emotions

Building in my chest

I hold my shirt at the hem

And rise it higher to hurt myself

To plant myself on you

And make blood ooze

To remember you were there

Silent, I cry

As I force it

And hold back my moans

In terror

But, I force it

And you twitch a little

Just a little

And resume your normal breathing

My heart is pounding wildly

I move my hips and breathe heavily

And take your strong hands

To make them hold me

Because you would never do that

Affection makes you crumble,

Saddens you in ways I can't comprehend

And it never stops me from thirsting after you

I move up again and you groan

I hold your hands tighter.

On my hips they hold me, your grip strengthening

The sun is slowly rising and filling the room

With golden rays of beauty

And when I look at you

Your eyes are open and they are bloodshot

Anger

You force your way in

Harder and harder

And it's ok to moan now

Our skin makes a slapping sound

That echoes in the room

My moans terrify me

They sound like screams

Of a pain buried deep in me

As you move effortless underneath me,

Bruising my insides

Bringing more tears to my eyes

Reminding me I am alive

Your right hand raises

And places itself around my neck

Force, lots of it, makes me flustered

Is terrifyingly delicious

Pressure is under my eyes and lips

Moaning is hard. I can't even breathe

I look at you and the red has faded

I see your familiar gems

I see you

Sweat sweeps your tattoos

And I wish they'd bleed into me

Fill in the void I created

And tape us together

Like in a distant past of harmony

And loving you seemed effortless

You release me and I gag

You hold my hips harder

Anticipation is building

A year ago, I left my honor, my pride

My inheritance

My wife

My squad, my friends, my oath to my parents

To be by your side selfishly

And what I got in return

Was distant looks

Depraved attention

Hopeless dreams

Your brows furrow and you groan

Your eyes never leave me

Your teeth show in your grunt

And you let out a long sigh

And I feel it, the burn

The wounds mindless friction created

And it hurts

Like my heart

It hurts

I get up without a word,

Without a sound

And abandon you

Like I did two years ago

And run into the bathroom

To vomit something

A bit of myself? My humanity?

My sanity?

My reasons behind all this?

Love is cold

Inhumane

Broken

Love blinds

Materializes

Attaches

Love learns to suffocate

Terrorize

Kill

Love lies in a bed

Cries silently

And never talks to me

Love lies to me

During Nightfall

Memories plague me like nightmares

Exploding in my minds like shotgun shells

Firing off, one after another

Defending blows

To paralyze me in bed

Without a sound or a tear

But torture myself under the nitric brainwaves

Of my sounding system of my beating heart

Ba-bump…Ba-bump…

You'd listen to them with evading eyes

As if you denied my heart was yours

The sound was loud

Always frantic

And you were never satisfied

You looked wounded

And unusually timid…

Your lips would brush mine

And you'd squeeze your eyes tightly

To make your wishes come true…was I good enough?

I always thought I was

Especially when you'd smile

With simplicity

Because that was how we seemed,

How our loved seemed

But, those evading stares left me wondering

Despite the many smiles you had

What held you back? What kept you away?

You told me your hear broke when I married

The woman for my household

And it never touched your eyes

Stone cold

It was like looking at me…no, looking at what I

Created.

My Letters of Solitude

Silence

Strands of your hair live on my mattress

I stare at them

Red, burning with rage

They are beautiful, refined

Broken

They belong to you

My room door is locked

I can't hear you breathe

I hear my breathing

My heart pounding

And through the darkness, I stare

At my door

Hoping you'd come in…

Dear Renji

Dear Renji

I'm begging you

Please…

Free me!

I can't take it!

I'm alone…

They are incomplete

Never leaving after the first thought

First words

Entitlement of the sentences…

They'll never be complete

Remain as fragments

Because fragments is what we exist in

The Sun Just Fell

I'm standing by your room

Ink on my finger tips

Calligraphy

Emotionless is what you come as

As a tyrant in your domain

Oppressing the atmosphere

I come to you in silence

And you open your arms

I hesitate…are you trying to trick me?

But, I can't resist it

And you hold me up

I hold you back

Your hair falls down your back

And your kisses are soft on my neck

We sit down together

And you let me straddle you

Our lips meet and I peek…

Your eyes are closed

A Rose

A vase placed in the center of the table

Blemishing the brown scenery

Of oak wood and mahogany tables

It's too deep to be your hair

You eat in silence

Exposing the black ink on your skin

Arching your eyebrows when our eyes meet

I try a helpless smile

If I can take back my selfishness from the past

I would have been brave enough to tell you

That I planned to leave with good intentions

Even if our love seemed impossible

But, I never told you

And cower in my selfishness

As I watched you sulk for so long

And never eased your pain a little

Now, you can't trust me

And your heart wavers too much

Last night you kissed me

Tonight, you'd hide in your room

Or disappear for hours

Because our love hurts you

Because it's a third party in this home

And it's domineering

Ichigo's family will be back from 'vacation'

And they'd hope that we broke our

Unspoken rule

To never speak

Instead, they'd come home to what they left

And see we have not progressed

And that I've found a new way

To hurt us both all over again

Your silverware clashes with your plate

As you eat

But you don't make a sound

And the rose blooms a little

"I had a dream things were normal" you said.

My eyes widened. You looked at me, eyes distant

"It felt good" I felt tears on my brims. You wiped your

Mouth and sat back, "Byakuya, I'm done,"

I Wash my Hands in the Bathroom

To erase the ink from the pen

That writes on a sheet of white paper

The lyrics to my torn soul

Afterward, I fall into bed

And close my eyes

Awaiting the eccentric dream

Instead, a crashing sound comes

And I shoot up

And dash to my door

I grab Senbonzakura

And open the door

You are lying on your back

Your breathing unevenly

And Ichigo appears in the doorway

"Byakuya, he's drunk".

I don't say anything.

But watch the shadows

Of the unlighted house

Dance on you and Ichigo

I put Senbonzakura

Behind the door

"Just take him to bed and give

Him some water" I said. "Goodnight"

"Byakuya," Ichigo starts. "He's requesting you"

I look at you and you're struggling to sit up

And there's a lazy grin on your face.

A stillness invades me.

Ichigo helps you up and I let you fall onto me

I step back a little but nothing drastic

And help you into your room

I laid you down and you said.

"We are not perfect. I am not perfect.

But, what is perfection?"

"What we once had" I said. "Something

I want back." You loosen your ponytail

And said "I never stopped loving you."

I beg to differ

You held my face and I cried

My chest started to heave

"All I want is another chance, Renji.

We can't go on like this.

I feel like I'm going to go insane!

I left my pride, my honor, my family,

My squad, my responsibilities, my oath…

"I left it all behind for you!

I know I've made a mistake

And I regret it every day in my life

I wish I could take it back

"I wish I was brave enough to tell you

What I was planning to do…instead, I let

Our love fall apart…

Renji, I am truly sorry.

"Please let me love you like I dream

I hate that I've hurt you and continue hurting you."

A deafening silence appeared.

And you close your eyes

To fall into slumber.

I remained by your side

Without sleeping

And thinking of the morning.

I Woke Up

To a familiar gentleness

And softness on my lips

It was instinct to welcome it

I never had to open my eyes

And notice it was you.

Your kisses became butterflies

Down my chest

Around my shoulders

Behind my ears

And my heart quickened

To have you here

And fill me

To rock with me

And moan in my hair

Is a sense of paradise

Nothing can compare to

My heart feels like

It'll explode

Into tiny fragments

Of irresistible love

Your tattoos, the bleed

And I surrender

I smile

And so do you

"Byakuya, I love you"

"Will You Visit?"

Ichigo asked.

I said no.

You looked saddened

"I understand," Ichigo said.

It's already a risk

Being here

We can't alert the other shinigamis.

"It was nice seeing you"

Ichigo continued.

I appreciated his hospitality

But, I got what I came for

And it was Renji

He and Renji were friends

I'm sorry Renji.

"Later Byukuya, Renji"

I nodded we left

My pens are in his home

So are my poems

He'll find them

He'd read my anguish

And understand

Why I've decided to turn my back

On everyone

But Renji

When the Sun Rises

The sky is filtered with different hues of pink

Oranges expands across the sky

Stars are fading

Earth comes to life

There is flower petals scattered on the grass

And the wind whispers through us

Waterfalls rumble beneath us

And dirt smudges your face

Exile to our home

We stand alone in this

But, you don't seem to mind...

I can't give you children

Or make us legal

And that doesn't seem to matter

Because, when the sun rises

All I see is your crimson mane

And elegant smile

And your voice always calling me

"Byakuya"