dust to dust
Word Count: 1,410
Timeline/Spoilers: early series with flashback to pre-series; spoilers for Hawkeye and Mustang's pasts
Summary: It was the most extraordinary thing. It was like all of the stars in the night sky going out one by one. — Royai Week, Day 3: Stars
Notes: I had two different ideas for this prompt, so I ended up writing them both and smooshing them together into the fic you see here.
Title taken from the song by The Civil Wars.
"I never loved you more, my darling
Than as I walked away from you that evening"
– Bertolt Brecht
(nothing will be the same after this)
"Please don't leave." His voice is still thick with sleep and has that deep, guttural quality to it that makes her pause as she's shuffling on her stocky, military-issue boots.
It's not often that they allow themselves these episodes of weakness. Roy indulges more often than she does, he knows. In fact, it's a rare enough occurrence that he remembers quite clearly the last time she allowed herself such vulnerability. They had been but children still.
"I thought you were asleep," she interrupts his trance. The curtains are drawn slightly, allowing a snatch of light to filter through. He can barely make out her hazy figure in the darkness of his bedroom. Roy sits up and leans back against his headboard, dragging the covers over his lap.
"You're leaving," he says plainly.
"Yes," she replies decisively, though not unkindly.
He knows the practiced speech that comes next, has heard it too many times to not know every word. The anguish that always accompanies it is too great for it to not be seared into the corners of his mind by this point.
"It's—"
"Dangerous, I know. Foolish, too. If anyone were to find out, our careers would be torched, and everything we've worked for would be for naught. There's too much on the line."
Her shoulders slump almost imperceptibly. He catcher her burgundy eyes now, as his night vision has adjusted. "Then you know why I can't stay."
"But I want you to," he says quietly.
"The needs of the many outweigh the wants of a few." To anyone else, she'd come off as crisp and impassive as usual, if not a little cold, but he hears the slight catch in her voice. If they want to repair this nation, then they can't afford to give in to…whatever this is.
It's not that he doesn't understand the risks or is being intentionally difficult. He simply wants one instance where they can sleep the night through like any normal couple would and not have to wake up to a cold space in the bed beside him, knowing that she'd made her escape in the dead of night as he slumbered, and then be forced to regard her as just another subordinate in the office. Like they hadn't spent the previous evening intimately nestled in one another's arms. Like she wasn't privy to all of his innermost dreams and demons alike. Like the love he bore her wasn't so overwhelming that he could feel it roaring through his veins at any given moment.
Like she wasn't his everything.
It's a testament to her own feelings for him that she vanishes the moment she senses his distracted reverie taking hold. Others might not see it that way, but Roy knows she loves him enough to leave him.
His gaze flicks to the window, the faint hairs on the back of his neck standing on end at the slight breeze blowing in. It was the most extraordinary thing. It was like all of the stars in the night sky going out one by one. And along with them, she was gone.
.
(they had been but children still)
"Please don't leave." It's the smallest voice he's ever heard from her, which is saying something.
He halts mid-stride, features stricken with grief. Roy has not yet learned how to coolly mask his emotions; it's a skill he'll master in just a few short years. He knows that if he turns around and meets her eyes, it will all be over. So he doesn't.
She knows it's selfish. She would never do anything to obstruct him from striving towards his dreams. Rather, she greatly admires him in this respect and hopes to take after him in some way. But here, in this moment, it's everything she can do to keep from bolting into his arms and never letting him go because she has this sinking feeling that if he leaves, he won't be coming back.
He had informed her of his intent to join the military and the responsibility he felt he owed to his country – to do something worthwhile with his alchemy, and his life. She wasn't upset at his choice but of the fact that it would take him far, far away from her. Her father, on the other hand, was incensed. But, unlike the scorching elemental alchemy he had devoted his life to, he turned to Roy with an iced, steely gaze and said no words. The meaning was clear. 'Out.'
"Riza, I…" he trails off, leaving the words in a hopeless puddle in the growing expanse in between them. He had spoken to her father only the day before, and yet it already felt like it was leagues, not inches separating them.
"I didn't mean that," she quickly amends, trying to salvage any pieces of her splintered dignity. Like him, she'll soon grow proficient at veiling her true intentions. But for now, she will not tie him down here and beg him to stay. She will not. Besides, he is meant for greater things; she knows this.
"You didn't?" he proceeds cautiously.
They're usually remarkably in tune with one another, but as she is still speaking to his back, it's difficult to dissect his thoughts. The boy wore his heart on his sleeve, not his shoulder blades. "I didn't…but I did."
Unable to stand it any longer, he finally turns to face her. He almost has to catch his breath at what a vision she makes, whether it's the way the moonlight is hitting her just so or the wistful aura of their imminent separation – she's strangely beautiful whilst bathed in her sorrows. It's an ominous thought, he knows.
The tension is alleviated for a few brief moments, as they offer relieved smiles that don't quite meet their eyes.
She tries again. "I…don't want you to go. But I won't stop you," she says with eyes downcast.
Roy steps forward gingerly, willing her to meet his gaze. "I'm not leaving because of you. You know that, right?"
"No, I know," she responds hastily. "But still…"
He shuffles another inch until he is close enough to tilt her chin up gently. "I'll write you, I promise," he says seriously.
The somber tone doesn't help to ease the strange foreboding she has about his departure. Riza offers a lugubrious smile. "It's not the same, you know."
She's met with a heavy sigh. "I know. But I will be back for you. You have to know that." He's standing up straight now, shoulders squared. At the sight of him, a wayward thought creeps into her head that he'll fit in well with the military.
Her only response is to look him straight in the eyes and say, "I trust you, Roy." Her head is tilted slightly to the left in a rather endearing manner, but the miserable crease in her eyebrows sends a pang through his chest.
He doesn't know why he does it, but at that, the impulse to seize her by the arms and plant a searing kiss on her lips is irrepressible. She grabs him by the lapels and draws him closer, savoring this moment like it's their last. As far as she knows, it is. She does trust Roy, unquestioningly and ineffably, and she's hardly the superstitious type, but she can't quite shake this feeling deep in her gut that nothing will be the same after this.
When they finally part, she simply tucks her head underneath his chin, with neither making a sound for what could have been hours. Eventually, Roy breaks the silence with a whisper.
"Matter can neither be created nor destroyed. Therefore, everything that exists now has always existed, just in different forms." He carries on when she doesn't stop him, though he can sense the question on her tongue. "The same atoms that made up stars and galaxies at the beginning of the universe are what make us up now. 'I feel like a part of my soul has loved you since the beginning of everything. Maybe we're from the same star'," he quotes seamlessly. "Isn't it a comfort to know that we were once made of stardust, and that we have been with one another all this time?"
He leaves her at the train station the following morning with the lasting imprint of his lips on hers and the unshakable feeling of something looming in the distance.
"The nitrogen in our DNA, the calcium in our teeth, the iron in our blood, the carbon in our apple pies were made in the interiors of collapsing stars. We are made of star-stuff."
– Carl Sagan
Notes: I tried to link these two together, I really did, but I feel as if I may have flopped in that endeavor. Please review and let me know what you think!