I died. Nothing too strange about it I suppose, we all must go at some point…
But now, laying in this pure white hospital room on an uncomfortably hard bed, I find myself confused. I said my goodbyes. To my family and all my friends who could come see me in my final moments. The doctor told me that the injuries I sustained from the accident were as fatal as they could be, nothing can be done and that it was a miracle by itself that I was still conscious.
Strangely… or perhaps not, I was not too scared of my own demise. I never enjoyed life much. Being born in the digital age, with countless objects that would make everyday life seem as if it was but a drop in an ocean of possibilities… I was never satisfied by it. Not that I was dissatisfied much either, merely indifferent to the monotone, I believe.
So now, waking up again, it is strange.
It is also eerie, I now realize, there is no sound around me. Not the machines monitoring my health, not the echoes of the footwear of nurses and doctors shuffling or rushing around, not the constant murmur of conversation… nothing.
I finally force my eyes from the slightly flashing bright lamp on the ceiling and look around. Just to give credence to my previous observation, there is nobody here.
Standing up slowly I also realize that I am no longer at death's door, the injuries I sustained as if they never existed. I am also no longer hooked up to the various machines at my bedside which are still there, their wires and tubes hanging in the air or in heaps on the floor.
Walking silently towards the door I register the breeze on my backside, I'm in a hospital gown… the only upside in the fact that nobody seems to be around is they might get a nice view of my bottom. Opening the door to my room, I am greeted only by even more silence. The hallways are just as empty as I thought they would be, some wheelchairs and the IV's next to them, their syringes hanging uselessly as the only proof of this incomprehensible phenomenon.
Making my way through the hallways, they never seem to have an end… I do not know how long I have been walking, but looking behind me and still seeing the first wheelchair I passed, It doesn't match with the feeling of distance I walked.
Deciding that It was a lost cause to try anymore, I enter the room closest to me. Decorated in warm brown colors with a large desk in the middle, I assume this is someone's workspace. Observing the room further there are several notes on the left wall with a few children's drawings among them, probably a pediatrician's office then.
What catches my interest more however, is the small rectangular shuttered window on the far side of the room. The place I woke up in was the emergency ward and there were no windows so I couldn't look outside. Walking over to the window, I pull the shutters open.
"…What?"
The first time I wasn't monologuing, though It was certainly warranted. The… impossibility before me does not deserve any less.
Hospitals. Hospitals as far as my eye could see. A sheen of dirty white walls is all I observed everywhere I looked. The buildings were the exact same, too. As if some God had copied and then pasted it all over. The only thing separating the buildings were two-lane asphalt roads between every single one of them. It was an endless grid.
static
"Gah, what the hell!?" I shout as a sudden noise of intense static fills my ears, as if thousands of TV's suddenly went haywire right next to me. Falling to my knees I finally avert my eyes from the unnaturality before me, and the static ceases. Not completely, but now It is merely a buzzing in the back of my head compared to the intense agony of moments before.
Ring Ring
"What is it now?" I question out loud if only to avert my focus from the annoying noise.
There. On the table is a phone. An old, bulky one with a circular rotary dial. I've not seen one of those in over twenty years, my parents used to have one before it was thrown out. It is also the thing that's ringing.
Debating over the issue internally, I finally decide to use rationality instead of instinct and slowly inch myself closer to it. I pick up the large receiver instead of smashing it, and put it next to my ear.
"…Hello?" I speak into it after a few seconds of hesitation.
"…Hello?" A familiar voice greets me back not a moment later.
"Who are you?" I question whilst somehow already suspecting the answer.
"...Who are you?" I hear it back in the same tone.
static
The static which I got a bit used to by now intensifies into painful levels again. I am no longer able to hold onto my rationality and slam the phone down. Cold sweat covers me as I breath rapidly, my eyes darting all over, I manage a glance at the window, the shutters are closed.
"… Didn't I open those?… I swear. Yes, the endless grid of hospitals and roads, I remember… just what the hell is going on here?"
Deciding that enough is enough, I make my way out of my hospital room. I am greeted only by even more silence. The hallways are just as empty as I thought they would be, some wheelchairs and the IV's next to them, their syringes hanging uselessly as the only proof of this incomprehensible phenomenon.
STATIC
"Shit, what is this?" I ask through grit teeth as the sound reaches its crescendo and lances of agony shoot through me. Perhaps doing the stupid thing, I rush back into the office as quickly as I can.
Slamming the door shut behind me, the noise simmers back down to mere annoyance.
Looking over the room I just entered, there is a large desk in the middle and several notes on the left wall with a few children's drawings among them, probably a pediatrician's office. What catches my interest more, however, is the large window on the far side of the room. Light is streaming through it in strange shafts, as if something above was blocking it.
Deciding to investigate, I make myself over and twist the knob to open the window and shove my upper body outside.
"…What?"
Hospitals. There were hospitals and roads as far as my eye could see. A sheen of dirty white walls is all I saw everywhere I looked. The buildings were the exact same, too. Observing upwards to see what has been blocking the light, I feel my jaw unhinging itself.
It is also the hospital, only, it is upside down. As if a gargantuan mirror was placed above, or as if gravity has decided it needn't exist anymore.
A tiny speck of movement caught my eye on that incomprehensible hospital. Looking at it, a window has been opened and someone decided to do the same thing as me. Straining my eyes as hard as I could, I manage to observe the features of the man.
"Impossible." I blink suddenly in response to a ray of light shining into my eyes. Looking again merely a blink later, the window is closed and nobody is there .
'Did I imagine that?' I question myself in futility. The floating building is still there, so why would I-
STATIC
"Damnit, not again!" I shout as I slam myself backwards in panic and pain. I hit my head on the edge of the table and fall to the floor with a curse.
I lie there until the noise had subsided again. Patting myself down to see if I was injured I notice something on my stomach. A small note. It probably fell down from the table when I bumped into it.
Deciding to read it, I stand up slowly… Only to notice the darkness I'n in. I can still see a bit from the light coming from the corridor, but otherwise it is completely dark.
'Was it always this dark?' I spare a second to consider the question before tossing it aside as unimportant at the moment.
Looking around me, I see a small table lamp on the office desk I fell into. Pressing the switch on, it bathes the room in a dull orange light.
look for the cat
"What does that mean?… But at least it's something, right?" I ask myself in lieu of an alternative.
Decided on my course of action, I walk slowly in the dim light towards the door. Outside, I am greeted only by even more silence. The hallways are just as empty as I thought they would be, some wheelchairs and the IV's next to them, their syringes hanging uselessly as the only proof of this incomprehensible phenomenon.
"At least I have some sort of objective now." I remark to myself sardonically.
Walking around the silent corridors, looking into rooms, up and down the stairwells. I had no measures of keeping time, the clocks in the hallways were as if they had somehow completely misted over and the only light came from lamps. I thus decided that when I was getting tired, I would stop in a room and rest. Since that didn't happen yet, I'm fairly sure it wasn't that long.
"There's no real cat, is there?" I ask nobody in particular as I sit down roughly on a random wheelchair in the corridor.
"Maybe It's a riddle? It was way too short for an actual instruction…" I ponder to myself for possibly the thousandth time already.
"A cat… what can a cat be a metaphor for?"
"… Damn, I never was any good at these kinds of things." Realizing that thinking did more harm then good, I moved on.
"Is that a TV?!" I exclaim as I enter another room, this one probably an office for some senior member of staff in the hospital, considering the lavish decoration and high-end PC. I probably shouldn't get excited over a TV when I already tried several computers and none of them worked, but it was finally something different so I couldn't help myself.
Observing the device, It's one of the newer designs with a curved display and giant screen. Pushing several of it's touch-screen buttons, it doesn't work.
"Thought so, if the computers don't work, why would a TV." Remarking cynically to myself I turn around to leave.
Ring Ring
Only to snap back so fast I nearly gave myself a whiplash. There, on the desk. Walking over I observe the thing. It is a smartphone, a new one I assume, at least going by the fact it is so slim I can practically see through it.
Picking it up gently, I hold it to my ear despite my better judgment. It connects and all is left silent.
"…Hello?" I speak into it after a few seconds of hesitation.
"…Hello?" A familiar voice greets me back… from two directions.
Whirling around I look towards the source of the voice in the room. It is the TV. The screen is still black but the speakers seem to be working.
Walking over silently, I try to press the buttons again. To my great surprise it actually works this time. The television's manufacturer's name comes up on the display in giant bold letters for a few seconds, then it is showing something different yet familiar.
The first thing I notice is the hospital gown the man's wearing. Likely because he is turned away from me, showing off his backside spectacularly…
The second, is that the man on the TV, is me. My first thought was that this is a live recording of myself from the room. Yet when I observed the spot where the supposed camera should be, there is only a wall. Looking back towards the TV, I can see that man doing the exact same thing as me, further proof of a live show.
But somehow, it just does not fit.
"Is there even a cat?" I ask suddenly, not even aware of it until a few seconds later I hear my voice coming from the television.
Finally there was a difference forming between me and the one in the TV, as I still stared at the device, the person on the other side jerked back violently as if struck.
STATIC
I jerked back violently as if struck, the noise I didn't even register anymore intensifying to agonizing levels.
… But I must persevere. This time I cannot allow it to drive me back. So I observed. I observed the TV until darkness was creeping up from the edges of my vision. I did not know if it was unconsciousness or something far more sinister, but I couldn't give up now.
STATIC
"There is." Finally my perseverance was rewarded as my own voice came calmly from both the phone I still clutched in my hands and the TV. But it was not the answer I wanted. He contradicted me, so I was wrong.
STATIC
"Where?" I bit out barely managing to articulate from the intense pain in my head.
STATIC
"You know exactly where, you merely haven't observed it yet." What an unhelpful fucking answer! I grit my teeth to the point I was afraid they might break.
STATIC
...I couldn't stand it anymore. The darkness previously at the edges now completely dominated my vision, I felt no strength in my body, only my brain still functioning as lances of pain shot through it.
STATIC
Then there was only darkness left. For a moment I feared all was lost, but then my eyes returned to function and all was… normal. The television was shut down and there was no phone in my hand, even though I probably gripped it hard enough to crumple it into a ball.
I looked at the desk but the phone wasn't there either… as if it didn't exist.
Walking over to the TV again, I try pressing all the buttons whilst pondering on the -now undeniable- riddle. What was it I said? "Haven't observed it yet." …It is a cat I haven't observed yet.
…
…
…
"I see." It was all I could put into words by the realization that struck me in that moment. I also registered the fact that I haven't blinked at all without outside interference forcing me to.
This is all so complicated, yet even more simple… The situation itself is so utterly ridiculous I could burst into tears and cry till there was no more water in my body… but somehow, I was also happy, no, elated, or more like bursting with anticipation!
"It is Schrödinger's cat… I am… the cat." I blinked.
I died. Nothing too strange about it I suppose, we all must go at some point…
But now, laying in this pure white hospital room on an uncomfortably hard bed, I find myself confused. I said my final goodbyes. To my family and all my friends who could come see me in my final moments. The doctor said that the injuries I sustained from the accident were as fatal as they could be, nothing can be done and that it was a miracle by itself that I was still conscious.
Strangely… or perhaps not, I was not too scared of my own demise. I never enjoyed life much. Being born in the digital age, with countless objects that would make everyday life seem as if it was but a drop in an ocean of possibilities… I was never satisfied by it. Not that I was dissatisfied much either, merely indifferent to the monotone I believe.
So now, waking up again, it is strange.
"No, I understand now. The what, at least, if not the how and the why."
"This place, it does not exist. It is a vacuum, but also not. It is not a physical location, point in time, singularity, extradimensional space, meta construct, or any other extant descriptive, as a requirement for any such descriptive… is existence, which - lacks. It cannot be said to be anything, regardless of its perceived properties."
"And so, since it does not exist, it cannot contain anything that does exist. Since the moment I found myself here, I already didn't exist. What I see… what all my senses are telling me, what my brain is telling me. It is merely a reflection of reality from my psyche. It is a reaction. Nature does not abhor a vacuum, but people do. Our minds aren't made for this. Making sense of it… order is, after all, a man-made concept."
"… so now the only question relevant to me is, do I accept this outcome?" My unwillingness came unwillingly as I stood up from my bed and opened the window from my hospital room. Observing the outside, there was no static now. But neither were there any hospitals. I both comprehended why and didn't.
"My unwillingness to part with reality caused this, even though I am also merely a reflection of the real person, I am just as much here as the monotone landscape surrounding me is."
"I have neither a form nor a name. I am non-existent, I am both infinite and eternal."
"But I also now understand that I can leave this place. Because only that which does not exist, can endure eternity. And now, between what I called my life and non-existence there is no clear or definite border… Actually, there might be two. The first, I mentioned above, and the second. That is my constant aspiration and need to continually impose, in my thoughts and my desires, a permanence to life and predict its course."
I blinked.
And now, non-existence sways like a thin backdrop of a play and I catch a glimpse of what is behind it. It makes my head spin in a thousand direction at once, the white background of non-existence is lit by reality, causing this sinkhole in existence to fracture and then break completely, washing away all as a kaleidoscope of all the exists floods inside it like a great tide.
I am also washed away, unwillingness nonwithstanding. To Deny Nothingness is simplicity, but I simply put cannot bear the existence of existence, no matter my wishes otherwise. So I let myself go as the kaleidoscope swallows me, seeps into me and gives back all I was previously lacking.
…
…
…
Then, I awaken once again.
AN: If you're thinking "None of this makes any bloody sense" right now... you would be right. The next chapter should shed some light onto things. So all I can say is, treat this as a prologue to the actual story.
Also review please, I like looking at both insults and praises/constructive criticism.
Thanks for reading!