Reposted from AO3 for Misdirection Guess-The-Author-Challenge 2015. Unbeta'ed so, probably massive grammar mistakes and typos. And OOC-ness. I'm not sorry actually, I love them no matter what they are. Be it insane or yandere~
*As Long As You Love Me*
Kuroko POV
'It would be great, if I were able to raise my voice'
That's what I think upon seeing my parents. Both of them do nothing but fight every day. Of critics and curse. Of excuses and shout-out. Inflicting mental damages to me.
That's right. Mental damages.
They didn't know what they had done to me. I became emotionless. I became silent. I became invisible.
Every time they had fight, I could only sat at the sideline. Looking at them shouting curses at each other. Looking at them throwing things at each other. Looking at them debating a topic that has no connection to their broker relationship. Sometimes, they would remember about me, and started saying my name in their debate. Saying poor me, that have a father or mother like them.
But I could only watch.
I cannot speak anything about it, much less raise my voice. Because they look like they're the most pitiful person on earth.
One of them sometimes came to my room, crawled into my bed, and hugged me from behind while crying softly. Crying because of their relationship now, crying because they're sorry for me, crying because they seem to can't be... simply be happy. They cried like they're the saddest person on earth.
That's why I can only watch.
No matter how this heart hurt seeing the two of them hurt each other, how should I cry or scream for help? They look like they're much in pain. Yet... the next day after their fight, they pretend that nothing was happening. They made love, and yet the next day they would shout at each other. Those cycles keep continuing. Every day, every week, every month, every year. Nothing changed. Nothing could be changed.
'It would be great, if I could, at least, lessen their emotional burden'
That's what I think; when I decided that I'm not allowed to say anything that might hurt them. When I decided I would close my heart to open theirs. When I decided that I would abandon my own emotion, so that they could control theirs. When I decided, that I would be a shadow, supporting their lights from the back. Pushing them, so that they could shine brighter.
After all, my lights were my mother and father. My mother who has gave birth to me, and my father, who had helped me grow.
Five years gone by a flash. Their relationship seems mending together. Slowly, but surely. The shout-out, curses, critics seems forgotten, replaced by the love that once was gone.
'It's all right. I'm happy on how this has become to'
Yet I still cannot speak my feelings out loud. I think of everything, of my actions, of their feelings, of this little family. After their love has grown again, I realized.
I realized how empty I was. I realized how hollow I was. I realized how broken I was.
I realized it all, yet I cannot move. I cannot fix them. I cannot support myself. Not when my parents still need me to console them.
And then, he came.
A blinding light, that shone brighter than any lights I had seen before. Akashi Seijuurou is the name that had been bestowed upon him. A name that fitted a strong leader like him.
His striking red hair. His pair of heterochromatic eyes. His ivory, porcelain-like skin. His unrivaled intelligence. And an aura that practically screamed 'I'm a ruler' seems so bright that made me, a shadow, seems like disappearing.
And that light realized that this small existence, compared to his, is here. Offering his hands to me. Lending his ears to listen my problems. Unconditionally embraced me when I felt like I'm going to break. Showered me with thousands of compliment and scolding that I didn't get from my parents, all for my growth and well-being.
And in turn, Akashi-kun also told me about his life and family. He was raised with the concept of 'perfection' by the order of his father. His father is really cold, he once said. But, his mother was really nice and loving. Whenever Akashi-kun felt down, his mother would be there to support him.
But not too long, his mother had died of accident. With no one to support him anymore, Akashi-kun cannot felt anymore love from his parents. So he concentrated on being perfect. On being superior. But that concept seems to have gone, little by little. It's not significant, but I knew for surely. His personality became softer, but still strict, since our first meeting.
"Akashi-kun's life is sure a hard one." I had said, in one of our time together.
"Why?" He asked.
"Well... being raised with many expectations is sure a burden to your mental state."
A silent fell for a few minutes, before Akashi-kun talked again. "You always surprise me with your words, Tetsuya..." He then smiled softly. "But... I suppose you could say so. Perhaps that 'perfection' has done something... unnatural within me."
"I don't think it's that major, Akashi-kun. To me, you're still normal."
"And I can't understand your definition of 'normal', if you think that I'm normal."
And the not-really-important conversation continues on. But in the end, we would always laugh or smile at each other. We would naturally came together and speak many things. Even the most problematic things could be solved if we talked about it.
And I, without realizing it, had fallen in love with him.
Even I don't know what this feeling, in the beginning is. It seems so natural for me to grow this feeling for Akashi-kun. It seems so normal for this feeling to exist, yearning him. Wanting to be seen as someone worthy, wanting to be always be by his side.
It grew heavier. This feeling called love. Even if I felt unexplainable happiness when I was with Akashi-kun, I felt jealous seeing he surrounded with many other people. Even when I knew that they're just his friends.
'It would be great if Akashi-kun could return my feeling...'
'But that's downright impossible.'
'I cannot feel something like this. I'm not allowed to feel this kind of feelings.'
So with those thought in my mind, I called Akashi-kun. Intended to just let the unrewarded feelings go. To be freed.
"Akashi-kun. Are you free right now? Can we... talk?" I asked after school.
"Of course I'm free for you, Tetsuya. What do you wanted to talk about?"
"Ah... can we move place? This is rather... private." I said, noting our surroundings. Akashi-kun just nodded, and I walked to the library, with him beside me. Not saying anything, not asking anything. Just a comfortable silent walk that I like.
"Is this something about your parents? Did they do something again?" He asked right after we sat at the innermost row.
"No..." I gulped. I already prepared for this. I already prepared for rejection, yet I cannot calm down. I took a deep breath and exhaled. Akashi-kun just waited for me to say something.
"Akashi-kun. I-" My breath caught my throat. And I lowered my head. "I'm going straight to the problem. Please don't be... scared."
"Of course I won't, Tetsuya. Speak."
"I love you, Akashi-kun." I finally confessed. From the corner of my eyes, I saw Akashi-kun looked surprised. Of course. Who wouldn't get surprised when their best friends, a male at that, suddenly confessed his feeling? A moment of silence, before Akashi-kun spoke.
"You... love me?" Akashi-kun asked, just to clarify things.
"I'm so sorry Akashi-kun. I will try to forget this feeling. I just want you to know. This feeling is getting heavier each moment and just... it gets really noisy in time." I explained. "When you near me, compliment me, or just scold me, my heartbeat would accelerate ten times more than my normal heartbeat. But when you're near other person, I cannot help but feel dreaded. My heart hurt. It was like being stabbed by countless knives. I feel jealous. And that jealous feeling is the one I don't want."
"I'm really thankful to you, Akashi-kun. Because of you, I could show my emotions again. Because of you, I could smile from the bottom of my heart. Because of you, I could cry. Finally, I could cry. I could release all of my pent-up emotions in my cry. To make me be able to taste the feeling of love. The only feeling that I thought I wouldn't be able to get because of my parents."
"So that's why, I don't want to feel jealous. This feeling is dangerous. It's like a double-edged blade. I don't know if I'm able to control this feeling. So I thought, I just have to end this. If you reject me, I could finally be at peace. This feeling could just disappear." I finished. My voice was wavering, and I hung my head lower. Not because of embarrassment, because I'm afraid.
I'm afraid that Akashi-kun will not just reject this feeling, but also reject me as a whole being. As his friend. What I feared is that he will distance himself from me. That he will feel disgusted with me. That he will leave me because of this feeling.
"So... If I reject you, you would be at peace?" Akashi-kun asked.
"Yes."
"If I reject you, you wouldn't have to bear the pain any longer?"
"Yes."
"Tetsuya. I have told you that the 'perfection' within me has brought something unnatural few months ago, right?"
"Y... yes. But what does that have to do with this?"
"I'm not done speaking yet." Akashi-kun said, caressing my cheek. "So, I don't want to."
"Huh?" I'm totally puzzled with Akashi-kun's words. What does he don't want to do?
"I don't want to reject you. Even if you won't be at peace, even if you have to bear much more pain. I don't want to reject your feeling."
"W... why?"
"Because I love you too, Tetsuya." Akashi-kun said. He was smiling and his eyes softened. My cheek felt hot and I'm at lost before he kissed me on my lips. Completely surprised, I began kissing him back. We kissed almost fervently. Pouring all of our emotions into that one kiss.
"Share it with me." Akashi-kun started. "Let me taste it. The taste of your love. The taste of your jealousy. The taste of your anger. The taste of your sadness. The taste of your happiness. Share it all with me. Because that would make me very happy. Let me feel all of your emotions. Let me feel your love for me, for I will accept it all." Akashi-kun said, before he kissed me again. I could only smiled, as he deepens our kiss. We continue making out in the library until we felt out of breath. We bumped our forehead together, looking to each other's eyes. Panting lightly.
"I love you, Tetsuya. Please go out with me." Akashi-kun said, before pecking my lips.
"You don't have to say it. I love you too, Akashi-kun." I said. We look at each other once more, before pulled in for more kiss.
Really. That moment and all the moment following it is the happiest moment of my life. I couldn't ask for more. Akashi-kun gave me all the thing I needed. Be it in material or just sweet, comforting words that made me very grateful on living and meeting Akashi-kun.
"I would be great, if the rest of my life's filled with you and memories of you."
"You will. Just wait for it."
After two years of graduating high school, aiming to be a kindergarten teacher, Akashi-kun proposed to me. Not too grand, seeing that same-sex marriage is forbidden in Japan. He gave me a golden ring, with both of our name engraved at the back of it. We wore it, we kiss, and we started living together.
Many problem rises after that. Akashi-kun's father didn't accept our self-proclaimed marriage. I and Akashi-kun even have to went all the way to Akashi family in Kyoto and stayed for one week. And in that one week, Akashi-kun could, miraculously, convinced Akashi-kun's father. With one condition that we should legally marry each other.
My parents didn't really say anything about this. They just smiled, and said :
"As long as you're happy."
After that, we went to United States just to make it formal and stayed for a few weeks.
"I already arranged for this trip to be our honeymoon too, so let's enjoy our time here." Akashi-kun, now Seijuurou-kun since he insisted that I should call him by his first name, said. We stayed under a quiet and nice house, and every day, we went to many places and in night, we made love. I love those moment the most.
The way Seijuurou-kun would kiss me softly before licking, sometimes biting playfully, my lower lips. Asking for permission that I would give right away. Our tongue would clash and dance together, battling for dominance that would last until we were struggling for breath. When he felt that I really need air, his lips would leave mine and he started leaving butterfly kisses around my cheek, then to my jawline, then to my neck, and started leaving kiss mark everywhere.
Seijuurou-kun would kiss my lips again, and began undressing me. After that he would continue on leaving many kiss marks in every place of my body. I don't mind, those kiss marks are his proof of love to me and I would proudly showed them to the whole world. The proof that I'm Seijuurou-kun's and Seijuurou-kun is mine.
Not that I need to go that extreme to showed that I'm Seijuurou-kun's, since our friends said that our sexual tension is very intense that anyone near us could know that the we are dating, now married.
He would continue marking my skin, even when he's deep inside me. Thrusting and gave me all of him. His desire, love, happiness, and lust could be seen in his eyes. From my teary eyes, I watched him came undone. The only person who saw his most vulnerable state. The only one who can saw his most beautiful body. Every curve, every nook, every mark that marred his skin, be it temporary or permanent.
Seijuurou-kun never went too rough with me in our love making. As much as his lust had overpowered him, I know he wouldn't do anything to hurt me. Because, those sentences that would always made my heart thumping like crazy would always leave his lips. At any time, in any condition.
"Don't worry, Tetsuya. I won't let anyone hurt you."
"Give me your all, for I will give you my all in all."
The last words he would gave me as we reached our climax were the exact sentences I wanted to hear the most. The ultimate confession, made me feel like I'm the happiest person on the earth. The feelings that I cannot experience when I'm with my parents are so strong. Strong enough for me to be able to forget all of the bad memories, and replacing those with many good ones, along with Seijuurou-kun by my side.
"I love you, and will always love you, Tetsuya."
We would cuddle together in the aftermath. Seijuurou-kun would stroke my hair lightly, and I would lie on top of his chest, just hearing his uneven breath and heartbeat, slowly became steady. We, sometimes, would idly chatting, or just drift off to sleep after murmuring sweet sentences of 'I love you'.
"It would be great, if these days could continue forever." I said one night, after we had made love.
"Yeah. It would be great." Seijuurou-kun said. Bringing me closer to him and then kissed me.
I cannot even count on how many times I had thought, or said I'm happy to be with Seijuurou-kun. Every day is like a heaven. But sometimes, we would fight. Just because of Seijuurou-kun's jealousy on seeing I with my friends and vice versa or our opinion didn't match. But even those fights didn't last more than three days. We would realize our mistake and naturally grew close together again.
Our fight was never loud. It never involved shouting or even throwing things. But sometimes I would became stubborn and refuse to forgive him, until he bribed me as his last resort of making up with me. But really... One kiss to me and that would make me fall head over heels all over again. I could never refuse him. No matter how stubborn I am.
But of course... life also had it's own ways to turn our life. For better or for worse, I still don't know, at that time.
One night, I got a sudden call from hospital, saying that Seijuurou-kun is in there right now. I rushed to the hospital, and my carelessness got the better of me. I was ran over by a truck that drove in a high speed, the driver was drunk and he didn't saw me. I blacked out the moment the truck's impact entered my brain.
When I regained my consciousness, there are a doctor checking my heartbeat in a monitor and a kind-looking nurse checking my blood pressure. Both of them told me that I was ran over by a truck, then flew for almost two meters, and my head hit a lightning pole and the vending machine beside it. Hard enough to make the glass break and pierced all parts of my body. Especially my right side.
After remembering everything, the doctor said that it was a miracle that I didn't get amnesia, I immediately asked them about Seijuurou-kun. They then also told me about Seijuurou-kun's condition.
They said that there are some abnormalities inside Seijuurou-kun's brain. That his motor sensor is getting weaker by time. That Akashi Seijuurou is dying. After hearing that, I almost jumped from my bed, trying to run to Seijuurou-kun's side, but my legs gave up on me right after I took the first step. Then the doctor said that he gave me some kind of a very strong sedative when I'm sleeping to avoid any pain when I wake up.
One week after I wake up, finally, I'm allowed to see Seijuurou-kun. While all I wanted to do is to run to his side, the doctor and nurses said that I shouldn't overexert my body. So, I was given a wheelchair to move around. Anything's fine. As long as I could see Seijuurou-kun's condition.
When I arrived at Seijuurou-kun's room, which actually beside mine, he was alone. I opened the door and Seijuurou-kun's immediately saw me, his lips curved for a small smile. I could see from his eyes that he was relieved to see me, like I am.
I moved to the side of his bed. I stopped and we looked at each other. Suddenly, Seijuurou-kun hugged me. So tight that it started to hurt at the place where the glass had pierced me. I started hug him back too, before tears came down like a river.
While I don't know why I cry, it seems that Seijuurou-kun knew the reason, and began hushed me. Stroking my hair slowly in a loving manner while reassuring me. And it hit me. The reason why I cry.
It's because I'm at lost.
The numbing pain from where the truck has hit me.
The burning sensation at my skin.
The smell of blood, alcohol, antiseptic, and medicines that filled my nose.
And the doctor's words that told me that he needed to stitch almost all part of my body, which I didn't really hear.
Also the fact that Seijuurou-kun is slowly being eaten by an unknown disease.
And Seijuurou-kun is dying.
I'm confused.
Why? Why does this have to happen to me? To us?
Is this really for the best? Really?
After I calmed down, Seijuurou-kun released me and caressed my tearstained cheeks. He wiped the remaining tears from my eyes gently before pulling me for a deep kiss. I really don't want to separate from that kiss. From that love. But my lung capacity cannot hold the pressure of having no air, so we separated, and kissed again. We didn't stop kissing until a nurse came and dropped her tray of medicine and surprised us.
Then the doctors and nurses started asking about our relationship and became really noisy. Seijuurou-kun's seems going to snap anytime if I didn't stop him.
A month passed, and I was discharged, while Seijuurou-kun still being kept at the hospital. I visited him every day, even the nurses said that I have no need to be discharged because in the end I came there every day jokingly. Four month passed after my discharge, and Seijuurou-kun finally being discharged.
"It would be great if you could heal, Seijuurou-kun." I said to him.
"Now... I wonder about that." Was his only reply.
So much had changed. Seijuurou-kun needs wheelchair to move, and he started forgetting things. Just like what the doctor had said.
"Tetsuya, you're free to leave me, you know." Seijuurou-kun once said.
"Why? Are you tired of me? Did I do something wrong? You don't need me anymore? You don't... love me anymore?" I asked, horrified by the thought of Seijuurou-kun leaving my life.
"No. I still love you. I love you more than anything in this world, Tetsuya. And you must know that. I love you, and will always love you."
"So... why?"
"I don't want to bind you, Tetsuya. I know my condition the best, and I know, that I don't have much longer to live." Seijuurou-kun said. "I want you to be happy. I'm sure taking care of me is a hassle. So if you want to leave, you can leave."
"Seijuurou-kun is an idiot sometimes..." I said, smiling. "My happiness is here, with you. I can't imagine a life without you, so don't say that. I love you, just you, and only you."
Seijuurou-kun smiled hearing my answer. Before pulling my arm and kissed me. "If you said that, there will be no turning back. I won't ever let you escape from me." He said slyly.
"If I wanted to run away, I won't let myself be captured, dear Seijuurou-kun." I said as I played along with his word play. We laughed and smiled at each other.
We still could do that, at that time.
Seijuurou-kun's condition only worsen with every days passed by. It started when he cannot hold something properly; followed by his inability to write, and then he cannot wear his own clothes without help. I could only smile bitterly and helped him goes through this entire ordeal.
After all, we will love each other in sickness and health, right?
Until death do us apart.
But I think that statement was incorrect. For us.
Seijuurou-kun's last words were words that directed to me, even when his father was beside me. Watching his last moment together. He raised his his pinky finger as he said it. And a cocky smile adorned his face as he said those words.
"Not even death could do us apart."
I intertwined my pinky finger with his as I smiled. "Not even death could do us apart."
And with that, Seijuurou-kun passed away as my world turned gray and monotone again. I didn't cry in his funeral. How can I express my feeling when the person that taught me how to is not here? Though when I arrived at our home , I felt a sharp pain at my chest.
The house that once was bright and warm, now dim and cold. The damp and humid air that greets me was suffocating. As I reached for the couch, many memories where Seijuurou-kun and I would sit or just cuddle together flashed. I clutched my shirt, and then I realized.
That I feel hollow.
That I feel so empty without Seijuurou-kun beside me.
That I feel my heart has gone with him.
That I couldn't feel anything. As if I was dead.
The first week without him was hard. It was excruciating. My body moved, does my job, ate and drink. But in the end... I still couldn't felt anything.
The second week after that was painful. I woke up, only to stay at the bed until something, usually the ringing of my phone, got me out from my trance state. And at night, where I would be laying at the bed, memories played in my mind as if they're a movie. During those times, sometimes, I could felt something wet slide down my cheeks, but really... I don't care anymore.
The third week was tiring. Every day, as if on auto-pilot, I would walked and visited Seijuurou-kun's grave. Talking to the tombstone as if it could heard me. As time goes on, the people around me started whispering around each other, about my behavior and all, but really. Why should I care about them, when the person I care the most is not in this world anymore?
The fourth week was great. I finally realized another fact. I finally decided. I finally made my resolution. I even thought why I continued to live, after that promise. Even after he had given me permission to. Maybe my mind was too clouded by his death.
After all, not even death could do us apart.
I walked to the kitchen, took one of the knives there. I smiled as my vision went blurry. Finally, I could felt my tears. Finally, I could cry. But, Even though I was crying, I felt free. I felt relieved. I felt happy. Without any hesitation, I stabbed the knive to my heart.
I slowly walked backwards until my back hit the wall. I could felt my body weakening as more blood oozing, staining my shirt. But well... Finally, I can be with Seijuurou-kun again. Even if there're no such thing as the afterlife, maybe we could be reincarnated, and be together in the next life.
After all, as long as you love me, I could do anything. For you and for us. Even if I must die in the process, I don't mind. As long as you love me, the only person who understand me.
'Then, it would be great if...'
First time trying to do angst and M-rated fic and I know for sure I failed. Your thought please?