AN - Hi guys! Here is the long-awaited sequel to Sirius Black, Detention. It doesn't really matter if you have read it first, but I do encourage you to. I loved writing this, but it took a while to get to 100! My muses don't seem to kick in until I am procrastinating, in this case exam revision… Please leave me a review, and I would love to know your favourite Detention feat. Love, SaintClaire.
James Potter's Compendium Of Detention-Worthy Feats, In The Form Of The Many, Many Sets Of Lines He was Forced To Write.
1 – I must not transfigure the clouds to rain champagne rather than water. The Giant Squid is now drunk, owing to the amount of alcohol that ended up in the Lake.
2 – I must not vanish all of Severus Snape's clothing, save his boxers as he walks to class.
3 – I must not write "You're dead meat" in permanent ink on the bottom of all the teacups used for divination.
4 – I must not enchant Remus Lupin's hat so that a rabbit appears inside of it every ten minutes and hits the top of his head, as it was so fat it nearly gave him concussion by the fifth time.
5 – I must not transfigure my legs into frog's legs and play leapfrog with Sirius Black down the stairs. A first year nearly fell out the window in shock.
6 - I must not turn the Hogwarts kitchen into an enormous mess while attempting to help Mr Black, Mr Lupin, and Mr Pettigrew bake a birthday cake for Professor McGonagall, however thoughtful the gesture is.
7 – I must not charm all the classroom desks to revert to their original form. It took teachers days to revert the Oak/Pine/Paperbark/Red-Gum/Wattle Tree back to desk form.
8 – I must not attach to a rope swing to a branch of the multi-species tree, so you can swing right out the classroom window and into the lake, 6 stories below. The Giant Squid got a huge shock, he could have had a heart attack. Also, Claire McMillan nearly missed the lake.
9 – I must not announce my presence for breakfast at 6am in the Great Hall by playing the bugle with a Echo charm attached.
10 – I must not switch Professor Slughorn's crystallized pineapple with salted pineapple. He did not find it funny at all.
11 – I must not write fake pages in Lily Evan's Diary, then rip them out and stick them on the common room walls. I must grow up.
12 – I must not try to train the giant squid to give me piggyback rides. I deserved getting picked up by a tentacle and thrown 50ft across the lake.
13 – I must not levitate Severus Snape's bed out the dormitory window and hover it over the lake at 5am on a Saturday morning before dropping it in to wake him up.
14 – I must not charm every set of tongs on the dining tables to clamp themselves to the nose of whoever picks them up.
15 – I must not attempt to restage the Roman gladiator days in the courtyard while battling Mr Black in full costume (bare chested with capes) with swords, while the rest of the school cheers us on.
16 – I must not transfigure the other Gryffindors into lions, and lock Severus Snape in a pen with them to restage other Roman gladiator days.
17 – I must not attempt to shove Severus Snape out of the North Tower window after he turns me into a slug, and puts me in a jar on Professor Slughorn's desk to use in potions. I must accept I probably deserved this considering I made him think he was going to be eaten by a pen of lions.
18 - I must not give Sirius Black Polyjuice potion so that he turns into Captain Cook, hat and all. Professor Binns got very excited when he thought he was seeing his old friend again.
19 – I must not turn all of Lily Evan's completed homework into love poetry dedicated to me, however hard I worked writing love poetry that was to myself.
20 – I must apologise immediately when I bowl a cricket ball straight through Professor Binns, considering Sirius then hit the ball straight through him. He does not like it, and we should not be playing cricket in the hallway anyway.
21 – I must not charm the fire in the common room to come out of the fireplace, and cast spells so that it wreaths into different shapes in the air. As fun and harmless as the feat may have started out, I accidently set the common room curtains on fire, which spread to the carpet, and the tower had to be evacuated.
22 – I must not tie Llly Evans to a tree in the Forbidden Forrest and hug her from behind, singing the Titanic theme song.
23 – I must not steal bruise lotion from the hospital wing. I must man up and tell Nurse Pomfrey how I got my well-deserved bruise in the first place.
24 – I must not paint a portrait of myself and attach it with a permanent sticking charm to the roof Lily Evan's four-poster bed. She does not care for it.
25 – I absolutely must not find the gnome that has been destroying Hagrid's garden patch, cast a glamour over it, and leave it in a cardboard box on Avery Lestrange's bed with a note saying "Here's your kid. Thanks a bunch, you bastard."
26 - I must not pass disgusting notes about Lily Evans in Transfiguration. I must learn to control my hormones, as must Sirius Black.
27 – I must not spell 'HOW ABOUT A DATE, HEY EVANS?" in waffles along the wall of the Great Hall, making each letter is 6ft high.
28 – I must not transfigure the rabbit that previously lived in Remus Lupin's hat (that he now never wears) into a German Sheppard, and set it on Mrs Norris.
29 – I must not encourage Sirius Black to hit a bludger at Emmeline Vance after she dumps him. Particularly as he wasn't even bothered about it, and was snogging some other girl at the time.
30 – I must not set up a spelled barbed wire barricade around the girls dormitory, so no other blokes but me can get in there.
31 – I must not treat the library like an obstacle course, and leap topless from bookcase to bookcase singing "Born to be wild".
32 – I must not try to put up a picture of me in Roman Gladiator costume holding a bloody spear next to Sir Cadogan's portrait so he will have someone to duel forevermore with.
33 – I must not hex Mr Filch as he removes my Roman Gladiator portrait and throws it in the fire.
34 – I must not spike Bellatrix Lestrange's beauty cream with grow-your-own-wart-powder.
35 – I must not attempt to help Sirius Black create Hagrid a pet. To enchant an chicken egg to hatch something other the a chicken is extremely dangerous, and now Hagrid has a three-headed-dog pup, which will probably have to be put down.
36 – I must not be found running around the Forbidden Forest with Sirius Black and Rubeus Hagrid the night ministry officials come to inspect his three-headed-dog, only to find it 'missing'.
37 – I must not charm Gilderoy Lockhart's golden hair in his sleep to grow to his waist, then braid it and write 'Rapunzel' on his head in permanent ink.
38 – I must not swap half of Dolores Umbridge's green pea soup with spelled wasabi. It burned a hole right through her tongue.
39 – I must not line the Gryffindor Quidditch team's brooms up in a line mid-air, and force first-years to 'walk the plank' (broom) until they fall off the end and into the lake.
40 – I must not hex Bertram Aubrey when he asks Lily Evans on a date to Hogsmeade.
41 – I must not cause Madame Rosmerta's Christmas tree to fall on top of Bertram Aubrey while he is on his date with Lily Evans at the pub, he now has concussion.
42 – I must not hex Severus Snape so that he is unable to eat for three days, and tell him to photosynthesize instead so he is of some use to the world.
43 – I must not do a victory war dance around the classroom when Emmeline Vance says she will ask Remus Lupin out.
44 - I must not whack Remus Lupin in the back of the head with Sirius's cricket bat when he turns Emmeline down because he is too shy to go out with her. His concussion from the Hat of the Fat Rabbit is back.
45 – I must stop causing people to develop concussion through misguided and ill-timed acts.
46 – I must not transfigure Severus Snape's nose into a Toucan's beak.
47 – I must not lock Emmeline Vance and Remus Lupin in a broom closet to help them overcome their shyness.
48 – I must not post a message from the headmaster stating that Hogwarts will be holding a lingerie fashion parade in the Great Hall, with Lily Evans as the leading model.
49 – I must not give Peeves a trumpet for a Christmas present.
50 – I must not hide deer poo from the Forbidden Forest in Dolores Umbridge's bed.
51 – I must not try a persuade the house-elves to provide alcohol at dinner to students who are over 17, even if no-one suspected just how drunk Sirius would get.
52 – I must not cause Severus Snape to grow a lizard tail.
53 – I must not set a bunch of fireworks to go off underneath the teachers table at dinner, to celebrate New Year's Eve. I did not mean for the fireworks to explode, the table to catch fire and most of the teachers end up being treated for minor burns and smoke inhalation. There is also the small problem of the squealing purple sparkles still floating around the ceiling.
54 – I must not leap on Lily Evans and snog her at midnight of New Years Eve without her consent, which was not given.
55 – I must not film myself singing happy birthday, dancing around in my birthday suit with a shower curtain wrapped around my waist, a rubber duck in my right hand, and a shower cap on my head as a birthday message for Lily Evans. I must not project videos of such content on the common room wall for all to see.
56 – I must not practice fire charms on random objects to see what happened. The lava that exploded and multiplied from the lava lamp gave us all a shock, and the 4th floor had to be evacuated.
57 – I must not enchant the suit of armours to sing opera.
58 – I must not transfigure Mrs Norris into a mouse, and set Dolores Umbridge's cat on her.
59 – I must not help Sirius find his life's purpose by turning him into a flamingo.
60 – I must not try to find my life's purpose by duct-taping myself to the bottom of Lily Evan's bed.
61 - I must not charm Mr Black, and Mr Black may not charm me with the helium spell to last 12 hours. We sound ridiculous, and it gives our teachers a headache, particularly as we were laughing so hard.
62 – I must not stick a photo of Severus Snape's face onto the Bludgers for a Quidditch match.
63 – I must not help Sirius Black give Peter Pettigrew a 24 hour-lasting makeover in his sleep.
64 – I must not publicly refer to Remus Lupin's condition as his "time of the month".
65 - I must not try to train Miss Umbridge's cat-turned-by-Sirius-Black-into-a-tiger to leap through a hoop that I have set on fire, even if this is commonly done in Muggle Circuses. Miss Umbridge's tiger/cat is now missing most of it's hair.
66 - I must show more sympathy to Dolores Umbridge when her enormous hairless tiger/cat is eaten by the Giant Squid, because if he didn't look like a giant hairless rat (which is my fault) the Giant Squid probably wouldn't have eaten him.
67 – I must not try and persuade the centaurs that live in the Forbidden Forrest to teach me archery.
68 – I must not find a giant hammer, fly up to the clouds and make them thunder, and the scream as I dive through the courtyard, "I AM THOR, ALL BOW BEFORE ME!" The first years all thought they were actually seeing Thor, and several fainted from shock.
69 – I must not send Severus Snape a howler that screams at him to wash his hair, along with a string of profanities.
70 – I must not arrive in the Great Hall for breakfast on the back of an elephant, playing the bugle in sync with Peeves on his trumpet.
71 – I must not charm the ceiling so that it seems to collapse into lilies, to have them fall on top of Lily Evan's head.
72 – I must not cause myself to grow a peacock tail, and strut around with my feathers in full display, telling people it's my mating season.
73 – I must not cut off Sirius Black's hair in his sleep after he plucks out all my beautiful feathers in my sleep.
74 – I must not make a bouquet of peacock feathers and flowers and have a house elf deliver them to Lily Evans in the middle of class.
75 – I must not decide that the Giant Squid needs a birthday party, and invite the whole school down to the lake to celebrate. When we gave him his birthday cake he was so delighted he squirted ink over us all, including Professor Dumbledore, who gave him the biggest piece.
76 – I must not shave off all of Severus Snape's hair in his sleep.
77 – I must not lasso Lily Evans, in the style of how men used to pick their brides thousands of years ago.
78 – I must not snog random girls in broom closets after I give up on Lily Evans.
79 – I must not set Sirius Black's cricket bat on fire after he whacks me in the head with it when I do not ask Lily Evans out after she begs me to.
80 – I must not snog Lily Evans in the Great Hall.
81 – I must not teach Peter Pettigrew how to use a lasso so he can get girls.
82 – I must not hex Bertram Aubrey to grow goat horns and start bleating when he insults Lily Evans about her choice of boyfriend.
83 – I must not try to relieve exam pressure by conjuring goldfish and throwing them at first-years.
84 – I must not encourage Sirius Black to set up a waterslide down every staircase in the castle, however much fun we all had.
85 – I must not bribe Remus Lupin with chocolate to give me copies of his exam notes. I must pay more attention in class, rather than staring at Lily Evans' head so I can write my own notes.
86 - I must not attach a permanent sticking charm to Sirius Black's portrait of himself holding an enormous carrot so it can never come down from next to Sir Cadogan's portrait. Mr Filch is very annoyed.
87 – I must not sneak into the Head Girls room at night. I am not as sneaky as I think, considering my friends knew where I was to carry me out of her room and down to the great hall in my birthday suit next morning.
88 – I must not transfigure a school owl into a mini-squid and then throw it in the lake to keep the Giant Squid company when I am gone.
89 – I must not dance along the breakfast table singing Dancing Queen by ABBA, however much everyone claps and cheers.
90 – I must not throw Sirius Blacks dirty school socks at students when they interrupt my studying. A second-year fainted from the smell.
91 – I must not accompany Sirius Black to make 6ft long paper planes, and the leap out the Owlery window on them, to see how well they fly. Luckily, after they started to fail, we at least landed in the lake. I like to think the Giant Squid squirting a bit more ink on us was his way of saying he was pleased to see us.
92 – I must not embellish the lines I am given when told to write lines in detention.
93 – I must not donate the last of my stash of dungbombs to Peeves as a parting gift.
94 - I must not spend all night making the house elves help Sirius Black and I chisel a marble statue of ourselves, Mr Pettigrew, and Mr Lupin.
95 - I must not put the statue in the center of the courtyard, as a memento to Hogwarts and it's students, in memory of the Marauders.
96 – I must not leap on top of my desk after the final exam is finished, and beg Lily Evans to marry me.
97 – I must not steal a first-years girls teddy bear, enlarge it, and throw it into the lake as a parting gift for the Giant Squid. He was so happy he thrashed all of his tentacles down at the same time, and created a tsunami, which Sirius Black then tried and failed to surf.
98 – I must not stage a final, full-out, inter-house gladiator competition, where I give Bertram Aubrey concussion (by accident, of course) and Sirius Black and I are the winners.
99 – I must not bowl the headmaster over with Sirius Black to thank him when we find he has painted a picture of us in our Gladiator, red-caped-bare-chested glory, which he has hung in the kitchen, because the house-elves are so fond of us.
100 - I must not marry Lily Evans in a secret ceremony by the edge of the Lake and the Forbidden Forest, with Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew and the Giant Squid as our witnesses. Hagrid is not qualified to perform the ceremony, however delighted he was to try it.
Please leave a review! They are quite literally what gets me out of bed in the morning.