Toxic Voice

Toxic Voice
Nothing but nothing consumes Sakura's soul after the Tragedy

What do you call a world without pain? Without happiness? Without love? Joy? Anguish? Fear? Mystery?
Answer? I knew. I knew too well. It's a world that just… exists .
My world. Haruno Sakura's world. Nothing more, nothing less. It just is .
There is no reason for living, because my reason for living, or raison d'tere, died. I am a walking corpse. Needing nothing but air. Nothing but a road ahead.
And it doesn't matter whether the road had a destination ahead. It just doesn't matter. As long as it kept on going forward.
There was a time, after the tragedy that is, where I would smile. Fake, of course, I would smile to those who were in pain, telling them that everything will be alright when deep inside, that same exact pain was eating my heart. Eating my soul. I planned on living a healthy life. Living it to the fullest, cause that was what he would have wanted. Indeed I planned, and lived on.

That is, until she came along.
"Go." She whispered. She always gave a big idea on something. Never wasting time on unnecessary things. Each word worth thousands. It all just made sense when she came along. Like two lost pieces of a puzzle, finding each other for the first time. "Done be afraid…its just you." Her green eyes flared in excitement as I stepped next to her.
I never knew what to expect when I looked in the mirror. A skinny Sakura? Fat Sakura? Ugly Sakura?
And I never knew with her , either. Her mouth was spread in a giant grin. "Good." She muttered. Not knowing her definition of good, I stared back. Calculating.
I was afraid. Of her. But to be exact, I was intimidated. By the power she gave off. Truth be told, she was me. I was her. We were one. She was everywhere. Scary as it sounds, it was a sort of protection. From whom? Myself, of course.
"And yet, not good enough." Shaking her head she lifted her hand above me. I winced and braced myself. SMACK .
I doubled over, finding myself on the ground. Looking up, her pink, with hints of red, hair flared everywhere. "How are you going to continue looking like that?"
"I don't get what you're talking about." I squinted my eyes, wanting her to disappear, just disappear !
And with sheer luck, a knock came on the door.
"Sakura? Sakura, I'm coming in." I sighed with relief. It was just Ino. The door opened and Ino walked in.
She raised her eyebrows when she saw me on the ground. "You okay?"
I muttered something unintelligent and picked myself up, sitting on the edge of the bed.
"Sakura…look at you." Ino's voice was filled with pity, "What have you done to yourself?"
Keeping on a blank face, I looked at the mirror. Except, I found myself looking away automatically, for she stood in there, glaring. Ino took this as a sign of me understanding.
"You need to eat. Here, let's go out." She dived into my closest, coming out with something.
I gasped in horror at the orange, long-sleeved, sweater that I earned for my 18th birthday from Him….
"Oh my god, I'm so sorry." Ino said, throwing the jacket back in the closet, "I didn't realize that…he…um…here you go." She walked over with another jacket, one with no meaning. Lifting my arm, she slipped the sleeve through.
I closed my eyes as Ino put the jacket on for me. I remember when he gave me that sweater, the orange one. One of the greatest days of my life. A joy that seemed to be only found in the happiest of fiction. I felt tears climbing in my eyes.
Don't you fucking dare… she muttered in my head.
I immediately blinked a few times, thinking other thoughts. Ino gently placed her hands on either side of my arms and hoisted me up. I staggered a bit, buy Ino grabbed my hand and balanced me. When she turned her head, I gave myself a weak smile. Ino was trying so hard to be nice to me, the least I could do-
You think she is doing this for you? that voice hissed in my head, Do you know how much of a burden you are to everyone right now? Erase that fucking smile off your face! No one loves you!
I flinched. Such painful words, only to be expected from her. Was this how my future will be like? A toxic voice hissing the most excruciating words to me; leaving me with a dirty, pitiful self-esteem?
I raised my chin up, no…he wouldn't approve of this…letting some imaginary creature toy with me. It wasn't right, it wasn't humane.

I remember him, hugging me in the most painful of hugs. He would smile like a fox seeking the one he loved; he would kiss me in the tenderest of ways, love me in the most passionate manner. The happiness that filled me every time he wrapped his arms around my waist shook me. How could a man make me love him so much? How could he love me so much?
I almost regret ever meeting the bastard.
"Sakura, what would you like?" Ino asked.
I didn't say anything, because I knew if I even muttered the smallest entry in the menu, she would scowl. Ino sadly looked away. "We'll get two of the daily specials. Thank you."
Holy crap, does she want us to explode? she argued in my head.
An unexpected feeling lay upon me. Was it…pleasure? Ah, I knew, it was pleasure of hearing her being pissed off.
As the meals arrived at our table, Ino handed me my drink and pasta bowl. My stomach growled as I looked down at the food. When was the last time I lay my eyes on such delicacy?
"Itadekimasu." Ino whispered into her food. Looking to see if I were eating she said, "Don't tell me you aren't hungry."
"No." I muttered my first words to her today, "I'm hungry."
I stabbed my pork with the chopsticks, and instantly her voice rang up.
Don't you dare take a bite! Do you realize how many calories will be in there?
Yeah…yeah I do. That's what we humans do. We eat to survive- I told her. She growled angrily as I took a bite. The juicy goodness swept me off my feet. Ino smiled at my pleasure.
"See Sakura…I don't get why you starve yourself…" Ino told me, "You shouldn't stress yourself…" dropping her voice and changing her tone she added, "It's been a year."
My heart skipped a dozen beats.
Cant you see…In their eyes you're a big pitiful stick to poke at. No one knows the true pain you're going through. No one…but me.

I suddenly felt like I was going to vomit. Whether it was the food, or the words, my stomach heaved. I jumped off my seat and ran outside. Turning the corner I found a bush and right then I let it all out. Ino appeared next to me. "Oh wow, I think you ate too much, Sakura…here let me…"
Tell her to go away
"Go away." I whispered, but I was quite sure that Ino didn't here for she kept on babbling and patting me on the back. I strained my voice, "Go away, please!"
Ino stopped talking and stared at me. Green eyes met blue ones.
"Sakura…what happened? I know you changed dramatically because of the…tragedy…but…but what would he say if he saw you like this? Its not you. You need to get it in your head that we are all here for you." Ino saw my expression as a dismissal. She shook her head and walked away.
Lies…nothing but lies…if they were really concerned they would have done something.
I took a few breaths and stumbled my way out of the restaurant. Heading back towards my apartment, I couldn't help but think that the village seemed…gloomy. Maybe my eyes weren't used to happiness anymore. They just lost their color.
No one loves you…No one cares for you…No one loves you…

Why was it that…why was it that even though I consider myself moving on- away from the tragedy, away from those memories- I tend to think about it more every night? He used to wrap his arms around my waist, pull me towards his chest, and snuggle his nose in the crook of my neck. He would whisper the silliest things in my ear, sometimes seductive and sometimes plain old stupid. On the lucky nights- well, lucky for him- he would make me feel like I was the luckiest woman in the world; he would caress my body, knowing every inch of it, memorizing each area. We would moan in pleasure, our bodies moved as one, our desires circling around us.
These thoughts could make me cry, late at night. But I was over crying. It was as if I drained out all the tears from my system, leaving me with nothing but…but…
But her .

Early in the morning the door creaked. She walked in. I stiffened.
"Wake up…"
I obeyed, not wanting to angry her or see what other surprises she had up her sleeves. Looking directly at her, I gasped and dived back into my pillow.
Her body… her body. It was a horror only to be seen in movies. The clothes 'she wore' fit so loosely on her body that it seemed that they were floating in mid-air. Her eyes had huge bags underneath them, making her eyes appear wild and big. Pink hair starved for a nice combing.
I gulped as she walked over. "There is a nice celery stick downstairs, when your ready go eat it."
As she walked around the room, inspecting each detail of it, I stole a quick glance at the mirror. I gagged. It was the same for me. Same hair, eyes, weight, everything.
"They give you negative calories." She added.
"Why…why do you want me to be so skinny? What does it have to do with what happened?" I managed to say. Sakura, I told myself, face her, question her, this is your body.
She sat on my bed, "Well, he left when you were skinny. So we should stay like that. If I had let you live on your own, you would have eaten your troubles away, like any other girl." She leaned toward me, "but we are not 'any other girl' are we?"

The knock came again. Go away, I wanted to yell. Just leave me alone, I get you, you're worried, but for the millionth time, I'm alright!
"Just answer it. We'll show him." If she wanted me to, I'll do it. I got up from my seat and walked over to the door.
He entered the room, eyes never leaving me. I headed back to my couch, letting him do whatever he wants.
"You're a real piss off you know that, Sakura?" he muttered sitting on the couch next to me.
"What do you want, Sasuke?" I had no time, she was just lecturing me on 'The Way of the Ninja'. And I knew from past experiments, that it was not good to leave a lecture by her unfinished.
"I need to talk to you." I looked at him, "I don't get it. A year ago it happened. A year ago you smiled bravely telling everyone he died a hero. Your smile didn't fool us, but it let us believe. And then all of a sudden you changed. For no good reason. Sakura…what's happening to you?"

Wow…he came all this way just to say that? she laughed in my head.

Something in me snapped, "Your right…you don't get it. You don't get what I have to go through each morning! You don't know the pain that washes me every time I pass that ramen shop! You don't know what I think when I see orange! While you were out there chasing that Orochimaru bastard's tail, we were suffering, he went to hell and back just to find you! And in the end he paid a price that left a mark so huge that not even your fucking face can heal!" I screamed. I screamed those words that sat on my heart, waiting. But I knew it was her who pushed me to the edge.
Sasuke glared at me, "At least…" his voice shook, "At least I got over it, we all did, Haruno Sakura. That's what we ninjas do. We don't sit around in our apartment moping, thinking about the past."
And with that he headed out, but giving one last glance over his shoulder, he added, "I feel so sorry for you."

And that, my friend, is why we should hate them. Those bastards and bitches coming on your front door yapping nonsense.
I wasn't listening. I suddenly felt dirty. The blood in me felt as if it were getting rotten by each minute. I couldn't breathe. My chest heaved nosily, the room spinned around me. I needed…a knife.
I ran, no stumbled, into the kitchen, dived into the drawer and pulled out a shining knife. Who gives a damn if he wouldn't approve. Didn't it matter what I thought was wrong or right? Didn't it matter that I thought that he leaving me was wrong?
I placed the knife on my wrist and slashed it open. The blood oozed out. Red, dirty, rotten blood that stank my mind. The strange liquid that needed cleansing.
Footsteps echoed the silent kitchen.
This is when… She squatted next to me, hand on my shoulder.
"This is when I love you most."

The star shine, moon glow danced in my room. The peaceful night haunting my sleep.
Still, the blood had a way of oozing out of my skin, but I ignored the tingling sensation.
We lay on my bed, her arms wrapped around my neck.
"I'm sorry." She muttered.
"For what?" I asked.
"You hate me don't you?"
"No…I never hated you. You were always telling me right things. How could hate someone who was trying to lead me down a right path?"
She sighed in my pillow. I realized I was complimenting her. It was odd, having such a conversation with someone you feared so greatly of.
"Don't forget Sakura." I gasped, she used my name. The first time she has ever done such a thing. "Don't forget what I've taught you."
I nodded, "That no one-"
"-loves us anymore." She finished.
Her forehead touched mine. And right then I knew that from now on till the end of eternity, our words will combine as one.
"And I don't know anything except that-"
"-I don't love anyone, anymore."

Credits go to Kishimoto...and Ibi Kaslisk, for creating the book Skinny.