The bitter cold month of January was not going easy on the Village Hidden in the Leaves. For the first time in almost 30 years, Konoha had dropped to 230 degrees.
Kelvin.
To the unintellectual fucks reading this (a.k.a. you), that's a whopping -44 degrees Celsius.
The streets were littered with white snow, and the occasional petty snowball fights between cute little children filled the village with laughter and happiness. Most people, however, preferred to stay indoors next to their cuddly warm fireplaces, hugging their loved ones and sharing a nice hot cup of hot chocolate.
Naruto was no exception.
He wanted to enjoy a nice cup of hot chocolate next to the nice warm fireplaces with a nice book and get a nice 12 hours sleep.
Unfortunately, Tsunade refused to allow him to rest. Naruto decided that he hated Tsunade that day, and stole her hidden stash of sake that lay under her floorboards and threw them out the window while she was taking a "well earned Hokage-nap." That old hag was going to have a rough time focusing for the next few weeks.
Naruto's return journey home was the same as usual. Greeting his friends, throwing snowballs filled with ice chunks at innocent children who decided that throwing a snowball at his face was a good idea, pickpocketing the assholes that used to torment him when he was a child, etc etc.
The usual Saturday evening.
The only thing missing, in his opinion, was a nice cup of warm sake.
So, he decided to head over to the "sketchy" part of town.
Naruto pulled down his scarf, his breath fogging up the air, temporarily creating a smoky cloud before disappearing into the snowy, clouded sky as he approached the final turn before his destination.
Before arriving at the local bar, Naruto kicked the doormat a few times to rub off the snow from his shoes before entering in with a polite "Hello!" He felt the warmth crawling all over his body as his icy, frozen limbs thawed under the warmth of the inside world.
The first thing that greeted him was the sweet feeling of rejuvenation that came with heading indoors after spending a long period of time outside when the temperature was below -20.
The second thing that greeted him was an exotic half-naked girl wearing exotic half-naked clothes.
"Hello there, darling? I haven't seen you before… You must be new here!" she said, seduction dripping from her lips.
Naruto could almost feel his heart stop as he looked at the very very attractive female. He turned around and realized that the snow had blurred his vision, and he had turned 2 streets too early.
He was in the "Platinum Star", One of Konoha's local strip clubs.
"U-u-uhh I t-think I'm in the wr-" Naruto said, before turning his head over to the side, only to spot the last person he expected to be in a fucking brothel.
"Wrr… Right place!" Naruto answered. His desire to know why that person was here was far greater than his sense of rationality, his reputation, and his slowly growing erection.
"Of course, darling! Let me find you a seat and something to drink… Unless you'd like a bath first… Or perhaps… You'd like…"
"Wait a minute, I've seen this somewhere before…" Naruto thought.
"Me?" she said, winking seductively at Naruto.
Naruto had to physically restrain himself from getting a nosebleed and fainting from the loss of blood due to his massive erection and the amount of blood that was pooling in his face due to his growing blush.
"I-I'm here with a friend… He's just over there," Naruto replied politely.
"Aww. Alright then, have fun with your friend!" she said.
Naruto proceeded inside, determined to figure out just why in the world he was spending his time in a brothel, evidently enjoying the lap dance he was getting from a very attractive stripper.
The person in question was none other than the Great, Handsome, Marvelous, Powerful, Worthy, Noble, Sharingan-wieldin', Jutsu-masterin', ass whoppin', cake eatin', lady charmin', fight winnin', paper printin', adventure beginnin' eye spinnin' face grinnin', never sinnin' dinner dinin', body shinin', element combinin', rule assignin' never whinin' chair reclinin' building designin' mission assignin' silver linin' Sasuke Uchiha.
Naruto ignored the exotic dancers exotically dancing. The room was bursting in warm colours that made it difficult to keep Naruto's eyes focused due to the explosion of colours that blinded him every other second from the disco ball, stage light, and the reflective materials that was riddled all over the workers of the brothel.
"Enjoying yourself, Mr. Uchiha-sama?" Naruto asked, his hands scraping over the rough wooden circular table.
Sasuke looked up at his friend with half-lidded eyes, evidently drunk.
"hehe wassup nawuro?" Sasuke said, slurring each syllable.
Naruto took a seat on the pink couch. He looked straight into Sasuke's eyes and slapped him in the face a few times.
"dafuq isdat 4 you dicc?" Sasuke said.
"No genjutsu- You're the real Sasuke Uchiha alright," Naruto said.
*big inhale*
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN A FUCKING BROTHEL, GETTING YOUR DICK FONDLED?"
"it feel niec"
"YEAH I'M SURE IT DOES, JACKASS; WANT ME TO TICKLE YOUR SCROTUM EVEN MORE?"
"sur. ther dis itchy spot on me sacky wacky… can u itch 4 me?"
Naruto felt his entire body convulse as the image of the sexually unbreakable Sasuke Uchiha melted in front of him.
"You'll thank me later for this, bastard. We're getting out of here before someone else sees you and ruins your reputation," Naruto said, grabbing Sasuke's right arm (His left arm was occupied, being hugged and kissed by a *worker*)
"noooooOOOOO i doN wANNAAAAAAAA" Sasuke complained, his body slouching to one side as he tried to drag Naruto the other way.
Naruto pulled harder, only to realize that Sasuke had unlocked the power of druNK strength.
The tension rose, both boys starting to grunt as the tug of war reached its climax—Naruto's normal strength was no match to Sasuke's draNK stREngthu.
The result was Naruto flying right into Sasuke's arms, his left hand landing on Sasuke's penis, and his face landing on his chest.
"fUCK," Naruto said.
Orgasmic noises, Sasuke said(?)
Naruto could feel Sasuke's boi under his left hand.
Naruto would've considered this situation hilarious if he had the ability to move. Unfortunately, Sasuke's iron-grip held him in place, forcing Naruto to stay in this very intimate position.
From the corner of his eye, he could see the first girl that he conversed with when he entered the brothel give him an understanding nod and a naughty wink.
"nOOOO THIS ISN'T NOOOOO I'M NOT- NOOO!" Naruto (tried) to scream. His voice, however, was muffled by Sasuke's shirt; his face was being pushed into Sasuke's chest by one of his free hands.
"noOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Naruto simply couldn't understand why the Sasuke Uchiha, his sexually incapable friend, was suddenly acting like a primarily-driven sex monster. He could almost feel the eyes of strangers look with arousal as two very good looking boys were "enjoying" each other's company. The girl that was previously hanging on Sasuke's arm was long gone, as she believed that Sasuke had all the "company" he needed.
As Naruto continued to struggle from Sasuke's death-grip, a few more bizarre events took place.
XXXXXX
Sakura was enjoying the cool evening. She was in the process of walking home from another tiring day trying to keep Tsunade calm. Some asshole had emptied Tsunade's secret stash of sake, and Tsunade was having a hard time staying sane.
She was ready to spend some time by herself.
"Did you hear? Apparently Sasuke Uchiha is in a brothel getting a lap-dance!" a stranger said.
Sakura froze, turning around 180 to eavesdrop in their conversation, tracing their footsteps in the snow.
"Lucky bitch. I'd do just about aaaaaannything to be in that position…"
"Not only that, but Naruto Uzumaki was there too!"
"WHAT?! Now I actually have half a mind to go there!"
"Yeah… _ isn't too far from here… It's too cold though. I'm just going to go home.
"Alright then."
Sakura stopped walking, a horrified expression on her face.
No way Sasuke Uchiha was in a brothel.
Nahh
Nahhh
NAAAAAAH
NAAAAruto, maybe.
Sasuke? No.
She had to… Confirm this rumour for herself.
Fuck.
XXXXXX
Meanwhile, Naruto was still struggling to detach himself from Sasuke's body. He was unsuccessful in removing his hand from Sasuke's genitals, because whenever he even twitched his finger, Sasuke would groan and hug him even tighter.
This was becoming too much for Naruto. He had to remove himself from Sasuke before he fell unconscious, lest rumours would spread all over the village that he and Sasuke were secretly gAY for each other.
He had no choice.
He had to brEaK hIs proMiSe anD TuRn BaCk oN HiS nIndO, His nInJa wAy.
"B-b-but sEnSeI ToLD You tHAt Yo Umust NeVEr UsE THiS juTSU," Naruto's inner voice said.
"I hAVeno choICe. jUst ThiS oNce. I'LL tUrn my BaCk on mY pRomiSes aNd vOws. SenSei, fORgiVe mE!" Naruto said."
" SAl NU KAM DI AKHNUM DA ISHTEEE LAN DA FEM AHS IF LORUM IPSUM BILLIEJEAN OW OW POW POW LORUM IPSUM GIME ABANETICLASAX ISHNI FALUM DE KEIRH DEL A TOI"
"THE INCANTATION IS COMPLETE. ALRIGHT, ASSHAT, TASTE THIS!"
Naruto used his free hand and put it over Sasuke's mouth.
"Forbidden Technique: Dixon Throat Massage!"
One hundred (purple) dildos appeared out of thin air, attacking Sasuke from every direction.
They poked, slapped, and pounded Sasuke's torso, legs, and arms.
Naruto grabbed one out of the air and started slapping Sasuke's face with it.
"LET"
SLAP
"GO"
SLAP
"OF"
SLAP
"ME"
SLAP
"YOU"
SLAP
"BASTARD"
SLOP
The heavy bass beat of the music was drowned out by the heavy bass beat of a purple dildo mutilating Sasuke's perfectly pale skin.
It was at this unfortunate moment that Sakura decided to open the door to the brothel to debunk the rumour that was spreading like a wildfire throughout the Village Hidden in the Leaves.
…
…
…
is processing information.
is using her ocular nerves to confirm that yes, indeed. Sasuke Uchiha and Naruto Uzumaki are in a brothel.
is relaying this information to her brain.
→ New information: Naruto is beating up Sasuke with 100 dildos.
→ Shocking information: Sasuke has an orgasmic look on his face.
Processing…
…
…
"Y-y-you'RE GAY," Sakura screamed.
Naruto stopped assaulting Sasuke and turned to face his other teammate.
"N-N-NOOO WAIT, SAKURA-CHAN THIS IS A MISUNDERSTAN-"
"HE'S GAY," Sakura screamed even louder, running out of the brothel, yelling: "SASUKE AND NARUTO ARE GAY"
"NANANANANANANANANANNNNYAAAANIIIIIIII?!," Naruto said, running after Sakura, leaving Sasuke on the ground, twitching and moaning.
XXXXXX
The entire village was rudely disrupted by the loud screeching of "SASUKE AND NARUTO ARE GAY" on a relatively peaceful Saturday evening.
As Naruto was chasing after Sakura, he could hear the whispers of civilians all around him.
"Sasuke and Naruto are gay?"
"Damn… I should've seen that coming. They are best friends after all."
"NOOO MY SASUKE-KUN!"
"NOOO MY NARUTO-KUN!"
"YES MY YAOI FANFICS ARE COMING TO LIFE"
Naruto was suddenly finding it very hard to stand.
What an unfortunately unusual Saturday evening.
As Sakura turned corners after corners, (yelling "SASUKE AND NARUTO ARE GAY", much to Naruto's horror), she found herself in the Uchiha district.
The Uchiha clan emblem reminded her of the image of Naruto and Sasuke making out that was burned into her pure, innocent retinas.
She fainted.
With a nosebleed.
Her red blood painted the white snow.
When Naruto finally caught up with Sakura, he had to pause for a few moments to take long deep breaths, hunching over from fatigue.
When he was finally able to bring his breathing into control, he glared at the unconscious pinkette.
Curses! His solid reputation was ruined!
Curses! What was the Uchiha doing?!
Curses! His perfect Saturday evening was ruined!
Naruto was recreating the many different paths his life could take from now on in his head. Unfortunately, he was not used to thinking hard—he preferred punching his way through his problems, asking questions after punching them really hard.
He liked kicking them really hard too.
Unfortunately, it seemed like this was one of those rare problems that he had to think his way out of; no punching this time.
He decided to leave Sakura bleeding on the ground to atone for her sins.
How dare she ruin his life!
Death to the heretic!
There was only one solution to this problem. He had to use his final ability, his last trump card. It would cost him a reduction of 5 years in his lifespan, as well as a human sacrifice, but he was in no position to complain.
He started forming a perfect circle in the snow around Sakura. She was the one who started this mess, and she would be the one who would solve it.
He collected some of the snow that had turned red around Sakura, using it to create a variety of symbols in the circle. Frowning ever so slightly, he pulled out a kunai and slit his wrist, using the cold air to numb his senses.
His blood dripped into the snow, spreading across the circle.
"Hey Naruto, what the fuck are you doing in my property?" a familiar voice said.
Naruto started having Vietnamese War flashbacks.
"SAAAAAAASUKEEEE?! NNAAAANIIII?!" Naruto said. A thousand questions were going through his mind. He wanted to choke, hang, stone, kill, murder, and annihilate the bastard for being a bastard.
"Enjoying a nice midnight walk, only to run into one of my teammates… murdering the other to apparently sacrifice her in a demonic ritual. What's that circle for, loser? Are you planning on swapping bodies or something?" Sasuke said.
Naruto grabbed Sasuke's shoulders and started shaking him with the force great enough to be measured on the Richter scale, at 3 times the speed of light.
"WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME, YOU FUCKING CUM SLURPING CHODE-ADDICTED NECROPHILIC ASSHOLEF AJFfkdjfdffdkfdjkfjkfjfKJKFjdkfjdkfjdfkjKJFKdjfdjfkdjfkdjf" Naruto said(?)
Fortunately, Sasuke was able to use a quick replacement jutsu to prevent his brain from losing its ability to function properly. The annoying blond loser was starting to seriously annoy him…
"I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about. Now get the hell off my property before I find out how easy it is to break through a human skull with my fist," Sasuke said.
"YOU TRIED TO RAPE ME IN A BROTHEL YOU FUCKING DIMWIT, DID YOU FORGET ALREADY?!" Naruto screamed.
"What are you talking about?" Sasuke asked.
"I'm talking about how you." Naruto said, jabbing a finger at Sasuke's forehead, "tried to stick your penis inside of me."
"Naruto, drugs are illegal in Konoha. I think I'll have to arrest you immediately for attempted murder and substance abuse," Sasuke said, pulling out a pair of handcuffs.
Naruto felt his soul leave his body.
The Pure Lands
"Welcome, Welcome. To the Pure Lands :D," Angel #1 said.
"I-I-I died?" Naruto asked.
Naruto looked around at his surroundings. A golden paradise filled with ramen and Icha Icha presented itself before him.
"Is this… heaven?" Naruto said.
"Indeed it is. You died from shock, my young blond friend," Angel #2 said.
"CHOTTO MATTE," Naruto said, "I GOTTA GET BACK AND KICK SASUKE'S ASS MAN!"
"This is not up for debate," Angel #3 said.
"DEBATE MY ASS," Naruto screamed, filling himself Kyuubi's chakra, he used his unfinished seal back in the Leaf Village to transport his soul back to the world of the living.
Naruto's soul disappeared in thin air, leaving the 3 angels completely bAmBooZlEd.
The Un(?)Pure Lands
"HOLY MOTHER OF THE INVENTOR OF PORN," Naruto said, waking up in his bed.
He blinked twice, licking the dry roof of his mouth.
"Nani?! A dream?!" Naruto asked himself.
He passed out on his bed, wiping sweat off of his forehead with his frog-pajama sleeve.
"Shit man… I thought I was going to have to blow up the Leaf Village and escape the Fire country, living as a criminal for the rest of my life…" Naruto said, groaning into his pillow.
It was an average morning in the Leaf village.
An average Sunday morning.