The Strawberry King
Disclaimer: The good folks who put this together do not own Death Note.
A/N: So what happened is that my sister (Sasuke's Banshee) asked her friend to tell her a story about The Strawberry King, (which I came up with subconsciously after I saw ItsukoLawliet's icon where L was reading a story to Near and Mello) and this is the end result after my sister, her friend and I finished with it. It was originally supposed to go on my sister's account, but she wanted me to put it on mine, since she says her account is dead and she doesn't think it's worth saving. And plus, I'm the one who edited it to this length, so yeah.
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Once upon a time there was The Strawberry King who's name was L, and a Strawberry Queen who was called Raito, and they loved each other very much. Although in the beginning they were forced to get married and Raito was trying to kill L every chance she got. As the months went by though, they began to fall in love with each other.
A few years later they decided they wanted a baby. Only it was the Queen who wanted a child and she had to convince the King about it. So anyway, one night, they decided to, ahem, "conceive a child". So a few weeks later, the Queen found out that she was pregnant, and the whole kingdom rejoiced, but a couple of months later the Queen had gotten the big stomach that comes with pregnancy, and was awfully cranky about it. For you see the Queen was a beautiful person and got upset because her stomach grew rapidly, and she was going to get stretch marks and her figure would be all but a pleasant memory. The poor King tried to comfort her but alas, nothing could make her happy, and she ate all of the cake in the castle, much to the King's dismay.
The rest of the months passed, and the child was due. So as poor Queen Raito lay in bed in agony, the King ran to get the doctor who was going to deliver the baby. When they got to the Queen, they found out that she was a he (which made the pregnancy a scientific feat in itself), although the king already knew that ever since he realized that the Queen's boobs were actually water balloons in a bra (This led to some confusion on the King's behalf when the Queen announced that her water had so spontaneously broke). While Raito twisted with childbirth-induced agony, the King tried to video tape the birth of his heir, but Raito put a stop to it by shoving the camera down his throat, while screaming, "Get that thing out of my face!" and, "Why did you put that demon thing in me?!" so the King had to leave for awhile. Then when he came back Raito threw the phone at his head. So he left again, but when he came back Raito threw up on him, and hit him hard on the head, so he left to go get washed up, an ice pack, and some cake, Because one of them needed something sweet. L offered to get Raito a small smakeral of something, but Raito ended up screaming, "I'm in labour and all you can think about is cake?! How the hell is that gonna help!? You're the worst husband ever!"
After 72 hours of labour-induced pain, Queen Raito gave birth to an ugly male child who didn't even look human while the King was rocking back and forth in the fetal position in a far-off corner. They had named him The Snuggly-Wuggly Prince of Strawberry Kingdom Land to try to even it out, but they called him Ryuuk for short, because the Strawberry King wanted a son named after him, but the Queen didn't like the idea, claiming since the kid came out of his ass, he should name the baby, so that was the compromised result.
Needless to say, after The Snuggly-Wuggly Prince's birth, both the King and Queen had vowed that they would never again have another child after that, so the Prince grew up as an only child. Then when he undoubtedly grew older (but not handsomer), he wanted to know where he came from, and since explaining how he came into being would be sort of hard to explain, they had a third party tell him about how normal children were born (which was the health teacher and the sex lessons they taught at his school). This sort of scarred him for life, but for the most part, he was okay and thanked God he was male. But then he thought about his mother, Queen Raito, and became even more confused and scarred and spent many a night whimpering in the fetal position in the corner.
Anyway, one day as the Prince was riding on his horse, which was actually a servant who gave him piggyback rides, because the strawberry stocks fell again and Strawberry Kingdom Land was going though yet another recession, he heard the most lovely voice in the whole world coming from Strawberry Fields.
"Move it, Sir Mat! We've gotta get these strawberries back to Chocolate Kingdom Land!"
The Prince ordered the servant to go towards the heavenly sound. When he arrived, he saw a person with blond hair wearing an elegant pink dress and pointy princess hat, munching on a bar of chocolate. Beside the person was a knight clad in armour, hastily shoving strawberries into a sack as he smoked a cigarette. The Prince didn't particularly care or notice, because he was stunned by the beauty of the Princess of Chocolate Kingdom Land, and he liked apples better anyway (the King almost disowned him because of this fact, then the Queen hit him over the head and yelled at him for so much as thinking about rejecting the child he went into three days of labour for).
"Oh, beautiful princess! Please become my bride so we can live happily ever after!"
The Princess stopped yelling at the knight to bust his ass and turned around in alarm. "The Hell are you?!" he (yes, he) demanded.
"I am The Snuggly-Wuggly Prince of Strawberry Kingdom Land!" The Prince replied, getting off the servant (who would undoubtedly have worse back problems than the King after this). "But you may call me Prince Ryuuk, dear Princess!"
The Princess stood there silently for a minute, then doubled over laughing. "Oh, my God! What a name! Snuggly-Wuggly! Wah ha ha ha ha!"
"And what is your name, Princess?" the Prince asked as the cross-dressing Princess continued to kill himself laughing.
"Princess Mello," the Princess said as he wiped away tears of laughter. He pointed at the knight. "And that's Sir Mat."
"Stealing my father's strawberries, no less," the Prince said. "I'll tell you what, I'll let him go if you marry me!"
"What?!" Sir Mat exclaimed. "I'd rather die than see my Princess married to the likes of you! Are you even human?!"
"Yes," The Snuggly-Wuggly Prince said. "And it's the Princess' call, buddy, not yours!"
"I can take you!" Princess Mello shouted, putting his fists up.
The Prince shrugged. "Oh, well. I tried to be reasonable. Time to get assertive." He then grabbed the Princess, kicked some dirt in Sir Mat's eyes (and he wore goggles ever since), jumped on the back of the servant, and took off back towards the castle.
"Who's your friend?" The Strawberry King asked as his son came storming in.
"Stole myself a princess," the Prince explained as Princess Mello punched and kicked him. "Call me up a priest."
"Congratulations."
"Put me down, you bastard!"
The Prince carried her all through the castle until he reached the ever so cliché highest room of the tallest tower and threw Princess Mello inside, then locked the door behind him.
"My knight will save me!" Princess Mello insisted, angrier than ever.
"By then it will be too late!" the Prince shouted, half-crazed (he didn't have an apple yet that day).
"Well, when do you plan to marry me?!"
"A week from Tuesday!"
"That's plenty of time!"
"I guess you're right!"
"So now what?!"
Prince Ryuuk stood there and thought for a moment. "Know how to play Candyland?"
Princess Mello shrugged. "Beats doing nothing. I get to be the red guy."
"Oh, goodie!" The Prince opened the door and locked it behind him. He walked over to the closet and pulled the box down from the shelf. "You can go first."
XXX
Sir Mat ran all the way back to Chocolate Kingdom Land in mad panic, tripping over tree roots and small pebbles as he did so. When he finally arrived, he kicked the door open, took a deep breath (choked on his cigarette) and screamed, "PRINCESS MELLO HAS BEEN KIDNAPPED!"
The King of Chocolate Kingdom Land (a.k.a. Watari) stood there confused. "And you couldn't get him because . . . ?"
Sir Mat stood there for a minute, then smacked his forehead. "Dammit!"
"Thanks, Sir Mat. You've made my fondest wish come true," Prince Near said.
"Near, you stop that, or I'll throw you in the dungeon again."
Near turned pale. "Sorry."
"Who kidnapped him, Sir Mat?" King Watari asked.
"The Snuggly-Wuggly Prince of Strawberry Kingdom Land!" Sir Mat exclaimed.
"L's kid?!" King Watari cried as Prince Near almost fell over laughing, mentioning something about telling the entire kingdom.
"Actually, there's been some controversy over The Strawberry King actually being The Snuggly-Wuggly Prince's biological father after all, but I suppose."
"Well, go and get him, then!" King Watari exclaimed as he kicked his ass out the door. "And don't come back until you do!"
"Can I have some goggles, though?" he asked.
"If it'll get you out of my castle, fine," the King Watari said before he threw a pair of orange goggles at him.
"Why orange?" Sir Mat said as he strapped them on.
"Because nobody likes them and they're cheap," King Watari explained. "Now get lost!"
Sir Mat did as he was told and called for his trusty steed (which was a chocolate-brown horse which ate only chocolate, which could explain why the horse was fat and slower than molasses), and began his retrieval of the princess.
Actually, it wasn't too long after he set out that he got pissed off at his morbidly obese horse, because it had an average speed of two miles an hour (Sir Mat was going at a speed of eighty miles earlier), and insisted on taking long breaks every five minutes, because it's stamina just wasn't what it used to be. Sir Mat did kick it in an attempt to make it hurry up, but the horse simply bucked him over and with a few choice swears, Sir Mat had to deal with it's sloth-like ways. In fact, the fat horse's name was Slothy, so you really couldn't expect much. However, Sir Mat did and he wasn't happy.
"Dammit, Slothy! If you don't move your fat arse, the Princess is gonna get married to a guy who isn't me!"
Slothy just looked at him funny and stood still again.
"Don't stand still! Move it!"
Slothy continued to stare.
Sir Mat leaned forward and pointed in the direction of Strawberry Kingdom Land with much enthusiasm. "Mush! Mush! Hike! Land-ho! Onward! March! Mush again! What will it take to make you move?! I'm begging you, please!" Then the knight collapsed on the horse and cried tears of sheer frustration about his horse and muttered something about dog food and a glue factory.
The horse just stood there like a jack-ass.
"I hate my job."
XXX
Princess Mello slammed his fists down on the table in rage. "You won't get away with this!"
Prince Ryuuk laughed. "That's what you think!"
"Seriously, why did you have to do that?!"
The Prince shrugged. "Just lucky I guess."
"Lucky my ass! You obviously stacked the cards so I'm stuck here longer!"
"Why would I do that?!"
"Well, why else would I be stuck in the Molasses Swamp for thirty-seven turns?!"
"Because you suck." He pulled a card off the top of the pile and smiled. "Oh, joy! I get to go all the way to Princess Lolly!"
Seething at the Prince and his Princess Lolly card, Princess Mello picked up a card. His head hit the table in disappointment. "Still stuck."
"And no flipping the board over again!"
"Can we play something else now?" Princess Mello asked. "You've won every round so far!"
"Just a second," the Prince said as he walked over to the closet. He opened the door and began rummaging through the boxes and shelves. "Okay, I've got Clue, Monopoly, Risk, Trouble, Yatzee, Connect Four, Twister, Ker-Plunk, Wikki Sticks, Mortal Kombat –"
"Where the hell are you getting Mortal Kombat in a medieval fantasy story?!"
"Look, I'm having enough trouble trying to figure out where all the Milton Bradley came from. Don't complicate things."
"Whatever," the Princess replied as he leaned back. "I don't feel like playing board games anyway."
Prince Ryuuk raised an eyebrow. "Then what do you feel like doing?"
Princess Mello looked up at him. "Eating chocolate."
"Uh . . . well, I hate to break it to you, babe, but we don't have any chocolate here right now."
The Princess' eyes grew wide and the colour was flushed from his skin. He ran over to the window and stuck his head out. "SIR MAT, GET ME OUTTA HERE!!"
In the forest, the knight stopped crying as he heard his princess' scream for help. "See, Slothy?! We have to save the Princess right now! Who knows what kind of horrible things he's being put through?!"
"THEY DON'T HAVE ANY CHOCOLATE HERE!!"
"See?! Like that!"
Slothy the horse showed no interest in his master's concern and continued to stand still.
Sir Mat, losing patience as well as his mind, chewed on his cigarette in frustration. "Damn horse," he said. "All he does is sleep and eat chocolate." Suddenly, he got an idea. He reached into his pack and pulled out a bar of chocolate. Then he took out a piece of string and found a nearby stick and tied them together like a fishing rod and held the chocolate bar in front of Slothy's face. The horse's ears immediately perked up and his eyes grew wide.
"Yeah, you like the chocolate, don't you?" Sir Mat said. "If you want the chocolate, you have to get it."
Slothy bit at it, but Sir Mat pulled it away. "You have to chase it if you want it. And you want it, don't you?"
Slothy began to walk forward in attempt to get the chocolate, but when he couldn't get it, he went faster and faster until he broke out in a run.
"Get it, Slothy! Get it!" Sir Mat yelled as he guided Slothy with the chocolate-baited stick, holding on for dear life as the horse accelerated even more.
A few minutes later, loud hoof beats and frantic screaming could be heard from the tallest tower of Strawberry Kingdom Land. Princess Mello and Prince Ryuuk looked out the window and saw Sir Mat screaming at the top of his lungs at his horse which was running at a speed that would have put the Roadrunner to shame.
"I'M COMING, MY PRINCESS!!" he screamed. "SLOW DOWN, SLOTHY! YOU'RE GONNA KILL US!!"
"I told you that he'd come to save me!" Princess Mello said to Prince Ryuuk.
"Yes, but he still has to face the final challenge!" he declared. He swished his cape and pulled out a sword. "He has to fight me to the death!"
"Could this get anymore cliché?!"
Suddenly, Slothy came crashing through the door, still trying to get his chocolate. Sir Mat swung it towards the horse's mouth, where it stopped instantly and started eating happily, which sent Sir Mat flying towards the window, due to thrust. However, he lucked out and hit the wall, knocking the wind out of him.
"Sorry, about the rest of the castle," Sir Mat said, slightly dazed. "Dumb horse doesn't know when to slow down."
"Ah, so you have finally arrived," Prince Ryuuk said. "Now you must fight me to the death for the princess!"
"You're on!" Sir Mat said as he drew his sword. "And you can't use that dirt trick, because I'm wearing goggles this time!"
"I thought something looked different about you," Princess Mello said.
"Yes, but first . . . is your horse okay?"
Sir Mat turned towards Slothy, who didn't look all that great. In fact, he was staggering a bit, almost as he was going to fall over at any minute.
"Yeah, but you just might want to stand at his left side, actually, his right side . . . yeah, just like that."
"Why?" Prince Ryuuk asked. Then Slothy fell on him, pinning him to the ground. "Dammit! How come I always fall for that?!"
"Well, Princess Mello, should we get going?" Sir Mat asked as Prince Ryuuk futilely tried to get the horse off of him.
"Okay," Princess Mello said. "I need chocolate badly."
So Sir Mat held the princess close to him and slid down the rope that somehow led down to the bottom of the tower. As soon as he reached the bottom, he threw the Princess down on the ground and started running around, waving his hands in the air.
"ROPE BURN!!" he screamed before he plunged his hands in a nearby pond.
"My hero," Princess Mello said sarcastically. "Why didn't you think of that before you slid down the rope?! And how the hell can you get rope burn when you're wearing armour over your hands?!"
"It's just not a good day for me," Sir Mat said.
"I can see that."
"Anyway," he paused and turned to the princess and shuffled forward on his knees, "will you marry me?"
"Can we get out of here before the guards catch us first?"
Sir Mat shrugged. "Sure."
So they escaped from Strawberry Kingdom Land (even though there wasn't a manhunt, for when Queen Raito heard about it, he freaked out and scolded his son for kidnapping and The Strawberry King for letting him do so) and Princess Mello agreed to Sir Mat's proposal and they got Slothy back, then got married and everyone was invited (but The Snuggly-Wuggly Prince couldn't come, because he was grounded and he also had a restraining order against him) and there was a lot of celebrating and chocolate and cake, and Princess Mello and Sir Mat made out in the sunset and had a lot of kids (although with the exception of one, they were all adopted from Wammy House) and lived happily ever after with lots of chocolate.
Except for the Snuggly-Wuggly Prince, who had to deal with his mother, Queen Raito, constantly chewing him out about kidnapping the Princess, and kept going over the labour arc of the story until he died.
The End
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A/N: And that's the total crack fairy tale story, The Strawberry King. Even though there was very little mention of The Strawberry King, actually. If you want to see pictures of the Strawberry King and Company, go on my profile and hit the links. And there might be a sequel if my sister gets her way. Please review!! And Happy School Season! (Instantly gets flamed) No!! It burns!!