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Confessions of a Demon Hunter

There is something peculiar about the climate of Forks.

And I don't just mean the weather. I mean, there is a supernatural climate to Forks. I don't know what it is yet, but there's just something about the place that draws every freaking kind of supernatural being that you can possibly dream of to it.

You might wonder how I know what these things are. It's understandable, of course, why you would wonder such things, being that there probably aren't very many supernatural beings (that you know of) in your own city, so perhaps you want to live vicariously through me.

Run.

No, seriously, there is nothing about my life that you should know or want to know about. I have to deal with these creatures on a daily basis, as I have since I was a little kid, and I've learned to accept the way of the world.

You see, I'm a demon hunter.

Mike Newton, you say, you're joking.

Oh no, is my reply, you wish I was joking.

The Cullens are vampires. It's honestly not that hard to pick up on, so I don't know how the people of Forks manage to remain so oblivious—Carlisle Cullen? 33? Oh, please, the guy is a walking Calvin Klein underwear model at 23, latest.

And doesn't anybody else think it's so weird that Dr. Cullen and his wife, young couple that they are, decide to take in not only their three poor orphaned nephews and niece, but adopt two twins as well?

I guess that's just it, though, the crazier the story is, the more people take it as face value.

But come on, doesn't anybody else think it's super weird that their eyes constantly change color? Not to mention the fact that nobody should have that shade of gold for eyes. It's unnatural.

Well, then again, that's just what they are. Unnatural.

I picked up on that the instant the Cullens showed up in Forks. I mean, come on, give a demon hunter some credit, I don't suck at my job. But there's not much I can do about them. Because the Cullens don't hunt humans, they hunt animals, and there's technically nothing wrong with that. I mean, I thought I could bust them on setting up some kind of disastrous ecological chain of extinction with over-hunting one species, but damn, these guys don't even do that.

So I have to let them be. Trust me, it kills me that I can't do anything about them, but it would be "unjust" and then I'd have some angry people to answer to. I just don't want to get involved in that kind of trouble, y'know? It's so much easier to just let them be.

And that's when she came along.

Isabella Marie Swan. Daughter of Chief Swan. A pretty beautiful girl, if you ask me. My interest in her when she first arrived was strictly of the hormonal kind, until I saw Cullen tensing to attack during Biology.

I can't explain what happened there, except some kind of freak sensory-imprint. I was freaking out for this girl, because if Cullen took to stalking her, it was going to cause me some problems to deal with discreetly. And unlike this idiot, I actually knew how to maintain some level of secrecy. He was panting and staring at her and crouching to kill the entire period. I'm amazed somebody besides myself didn't notice.

So I tried to steer her clear of him, not wanting to be the reason some poor girl triggers a freak vampire to salivate and is then subsequently killed. Protect the civilians and all, y'know?

Yeah, that worked great. The next thing I know, he saves her from being squashed by a van, and the two of them cavort off to Seattle together (though I doubt that's where they went) and she disappears to Phoenix and lands herself in a hospital.

Gee, I wonder what happened there.

And I admit that I was under the mistaken impression that Cullen had taken a good snap at her which she had only narrowly avoided (what the hell they were doing in Phoenix, I still have no clue about), but considering how worshipful she was of him afterwards, that probably wasn't the case.

But then the Cullens left, and Bella went crazy. No, she seriously went insane. The only thing I could think was get a freaking grip, because it was so better for her that they left. But she went all catatonic and I pretty much ignored her because I didn't have to keep watching her back to make sure she didn't become the next meal for a "vegetarian" vampire coven.

Until the werewolves started popping up.

Now, I know the whole Quileute story where the wolves are the good guys who dismember vampires and whatnot.

Yeah, whatever, they're still demons. They still pose a threat to human society, and would you look at those La Push kids? Just the size of them is enough to throw off that whole "human" charade, I mean, look at them! What normal human grows to be 6'9 and taller?

So I'm sitting here, thinking about how ridiculous this is. Not one, but two supernatural species happen to find their way to Forks, Washington. Just like that. And there's this long, obnoxious history about how far back they go and how they are mortal (immortal, more like) enemies, and blah blah blah. The point is, they are totally liable to go to town on the human species so they need me.

Not that I have anything to do, really, except keep an annoyingly close watch on them, "in case" they end up hurting someone.

Boring. Please, anybody could do this. I need some real action.

And then the Cullens come back, and then more werewolves pop up, and you know they are just going to start ripping the other one to shreds, what with Bella in the middle of them, and all of a sudden, they start rallying together against another foe. More vampires, but the kind I'm allowed to kill, y'know, with the red eyes that just exude "supernatural being." Apparently, while mysteriously in Phoenix, these vampires tried to kill Bella? I'm unclear on the story, but instead of getting to dismantle a few vamps, I get ushered out of town while they get their hurt on on these vamps and end up killing the whole lot with zero casualties.

So not only do I miss out on a super fight, but none of the Cullens or werewolves go down in number.

This is great, this is just freakin' amazing.

And then Bella and Cullen put out a wedding announcement. For summer. And they get married, and obviously they mean to turn her into a vampire, and that's just it.

Sometimes, being a demon hunter sucks.

Well, y'know, except for the speed.

The speed is awesome.