A/N: I am tracking fic: tbwcw on tumblr if you want me to see anything related to the fic and mastia for anything in general. ^^
I should have known what was going to happen. If I had remembered that horrible scene, or put my mother's concern before my own selfish wants, she would have ended up alive. Dad wouldn't have left, and Mikasa and Armin wouldn't have been pulled away from me by our commanding officers. I would be with them, not all alone, waiting for death. Waiting for Them to come and pull me into the shadows.
Seven Years Ago
When I'd woken up, I had felt the wetness on my cheeks and the tightness in my chest and realized that I was crying. Even without the memory of its contents, the aftermath of my nightmare made me shake. I could still feel the lingering sensation of my heart shattering to bits and the pain of being able to do nothing about it.
Mikasa had found me like that, my hand hovering just under my eye, over the now dry skin; I was staring forward, at nothing in particular. I didn't notice her presence until she touched my shoulder, and the contact made me jump. She bit her lip, but said nothing, and I was glad because I wasn't sure I would be able to respond if she had.
The feelings subsided, leaving me numb, and we sat there a little longer until I was ready to leave.
We were walking through the wildflowers when she asked me what I'd dreamt about. I was silent for a moment; I honestly couldn't remember. It had something to do with the walls and Mom, but that was all I could come up with. From the way I'd reacted when I'd woken up, though, it couldn't have been a good thought. I faked a smile, trying to think of something to say.
Nothing would come out of telling her the truth-save for making her upset- so I decided to just brush it off with a lame joke. She was not amused, but after seeing that she wasn't getting anywhere, she rolled her eyes and sped up her pace, leaving me behind. It wasn't by much, but I still had trouble keeping up. The wood she'd gathered for Mom was heavy.
Our house was nothing special, really, but it was home. When we finally made it back, Mom was outside, hanging the wet laundry to dry. At her age, she was still beautiful, all smiles and kind eyes. As much as she annoyed me-but really what ten year old boy isn't annoyed with their mother- I really did love her. I knew that no matter what I said to her, she would always be there for me in the end. We were almost to the front door when I stopped. Shivering, I felt an overwhelming sense of dread creep into my bones.
Something is going to happen.
"Eren?" Mikasa's voice made me flinch, and the look on her face made me immediately regret it. It had only been a moment, but the hurt had shown clearly in her dark eyes. She covered her mouth with the red scarf I'd given her the year before, a sign I'd hurt her more than I'd originally thought. I smiled back at her and nodded, doing my best to show I was all right, and to urge her to continue. She just shook her head and sighed. When she went around me, I followed behind.
Dad was sitting in his usual seat at the table reading over some documents when we walked through the door. Mom had made it in ahead of us and smiled as we dumped our loads of firewood in its proper container. After having us wash our hands, she placed our plates of food in front of us and asked us about our day. We all joked, Mom pointing out how red my ears had gotten after being called out on how much of the firewood I had collected. Mikasa didn't talk much, she never really did, and I didn't notice anything wrong until she put her spoon down. Mikasa never left her food untouched- something about not wanting to waste the food mom put effort into making.
"Mikasa?" Mom and I both stopped joking and looked at her; even Dad raised his eyebrow over the papers. "Is something wrong, dear?"
Her face went blank and she looked down at her empty plate, silent. She frowned and looked up, meeting my eyes across the table. "Eren wants to join the Scouting Legion." My head snapped as I turned to face a very angry looking Carla Yaeger.
"Eren!" Mom was furious. Her kind eyes narrowed as she set the dish she had been washing in the sink.
"Mikasa! You promised you wouldn't tell!"
"You are not joining the Scouting Legion!" Mom said firmly, a hint of desperation in her eyes, "I won't allow it. Why would you even consider such a thing? It's a death wish! No, just no."
"How can you be content hiding behind the walls?" My voice rose as I answered, "We're like cattle! I don't want to die in a cage!"
Mikasa looked down again guilt clouding her features, "Eren-."
"No! I hate you!" I was too angry to notice my sister suck in her breath or the tears well up in her eyes. I could barely hear my mother screaming after me. I ran.
Betrayal was all I could feel as I raced away from the house. I had expected Mom to react that way; it was Mikasa who'd hurt me. She'd promised to not tell. Mikasa was the one person who would always put me first. If I couldn't trust her, I couldn't trust anyone.
I could feel my eyes burning, angry tears welling at the corners, but I refused to cry. Crying was weakness, and weakness meant proving Mom right. They didn't think I was strong enough, and it crushed me that I knew; deep down, they were right.
Five Years Ago
It was a cold morning the first time our squad set out beyond the walls for training. The wolves lived farther north, nowhere near us, but the tension in the air was thick nevertheless. Everyone was quiet- too quiet, in my opinion. I felt like I was choking on the silence.
Reiner and Bertholdt led the group along the path, me and Jean racing closely behind. Armin and Marco had gotten tired of our competitions a few hours after starting and were riding towards the back, talking about something or other. I think it had to do with whether the weather would make it hard to set up camp or not. I didn't really care. I couldn't see them, but I was sure that somewhere Sasha and Connie were causing trouble. Ymir stuck close to Christa, like always.
Mikasa and Annie were the only ones in our little 'group' not there; they'd been called out by the superiors. Mikasa had been reluctant, to say the least, but after a long talk with Armin, she finally went; Annie went without complaint. It was raining slightly, just enough to dampen our uniforms and muddle our vision, but nothing more. We kept a steady pace for the most part, and it only took four hours to make it into camp.
After setting up, the drizzle stopped. More conversations had started up as we unpacked our things. We'd been out all day with no incident, and it was clear everyone was starting to relax. I was the only exception, despite Armin's attempts.
My heart had started beating dangerously fast the second we were out of the safety of base, enough so that I felt like I could pass out at any minute. It still hammered in my chest. For two years, ever since that first, nightmares had plagued my mind every time I drifted to sleep- scenes of being dragged out of bed and into the darkness to be eaten alive. I always woke up to Armin shaking me awake, my screams still echoing throughout the room.
I clenched my teeth in frustration, drowning out everything else around me. I did my best, but some things just can't be ignored. "So, Yaeger. Where's your sister?"
Jean. Of course. He never failed to ruin my mood. Never. Not that I was the happiest before, but that didn't really matter.
"Why, Horseface? It's not like she's gonna ride you." Everyone went silent at my comeback. Connie was laughing somewhere off to my left. I felt my eyes widen in horror as Jean joined in. Even Marco had to hide the smile that had crept onto his freckled face.
I did not just say that. I did not just fucking say that.
"How do you know, Yaeger? She's let me do it befo-."
I knew he was just trying to get under my skin, but boy, did it work. He didn't have the chance to finish his sentence before my fist connected with his face. The others around us visibly flinched at the sound of his nose breaking, and Marco and Armin were already in action, removing me from him. Still in shock, I let them. The words were on loop in my head. I could only pray no one told Mikasa about it.
Armin led me away by the wrist while Marco tended to Jean's nose, muttering things like, "Calm down," and "It's okay, Eren,", and I followed without resistance. I knew better than to stick around for Shardis to come. His punishment would probably result in an untimely death on my part.
Armin led me away from camp- because of the area being scouted regularly, there wasn't too much of a hassle sneaking away- down a less traveled pathway. If I'd been alone, I wouldn't have even noticed it; leave it to the blonde boy to see. The leaves of low hanging branches hit us both as we walked, leaving shallow scrapes and scratches on our exposed skin. One particularly bad cut had blood beading on Armin's face. I wasn't happy that he was taking the brunt of the hits, but the narrow path made it impossible for me to move ahead of him.
"You shouldn't have done that, Eren. Shardis isn't gonna be happy…" Armin muttered under his breath. If it hadn't been so quiet out in the woods, I would not have heard him. It was dark by now, and I could barely make out him in front of me; we were practically blind.
I sighed and frowned at his back, "I know. I just-Jean went too far…"
"When does he not? And besides, you kinda set yourself up for that one." Armin chuckled under his breath. My cheeks grew red- a mixture of embarrassment and anger- and I was glad he couldn't see me. I couldn't stay mad though. I mean, it was Armin who'd said it. Anybody else probably would've gotten a black eye.
What little conversation we managed died down the farther along we went. The path got wider, and I moved forward to walk beside my friend. He had let go of my wrist a little while before after he'd decided I wouldn't go back and try to murder Jean, so our hands stayed by our sides. The branches had also thinned out significantly. The squelch of mud underfoot made it hard to hear anything else. There was the occasional snap of a twig being stepped on.
About an hour into walking, I noticed that it was getting easier to see. It didn't take much to figure out the light was coming from somewhere ahead. I smiled and turned to look at Armin. "Thank God. I'm starting to get tired. Let's see if there's any dinner le-." When I turned around to see if Armin had fallen behind, the words died in my throat. He was gone.
I stopped in my tracks, trying to figure out when I could have lost him. I closed my eyes. Nothing. I couldn't think of anything. I wasn't really paying attention, and it wasn't like he'd just stopped talking in the middle of a conversation. What was I supposed to do? Look for him?
There was the light up ahead. I could get some of the guys together and-. My eyes widened, and a shiver went down my spine. Something wasn't right. It was too quiet. I could hear only a few muffled voices- whispers. I knew my squad, and they did not whisper. They yelled and laughed and oh shit. If it wasn't them, who the hell was it? We were supposed to be the only squad out here. I guess it could have been possible there was a misunderstanding, but the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach made me think otherwise.
Crouching, I did my best to hide in the brush. As soon as I got the chance I would high tale it out of there. My heart was beating fast in my chest as I curled into myself. Every sound I made seemed too loud in my ears. Especially my breathing.
Goosebumps traveled along my arms; I could hear a voice getting closer. The voice was low, probably male. The light flickered as the person walked in front of their fire. "It's fine Petra! Corporal should be back soon. Then we can leave. There's no way we'll run in to the hunters. They're on the other side of the forest. Besides, even if they did find us, they're no match for m-." There was an intake of air from the man.
A higher voice, Petra if I could guess, spoke next. I could practically hear the frown in her voice. "I told you, you talk too much, Auruo. And I'd rather not take any chances thank you very much. Corporal Levi told us to stay hidden while he was gone. It wouldn't be good to start a fight on their turf. That's the whole reason we're here."
She kept talking, but I couldn't concentrate. Leaves rustled on my right, and I tensed up. I closed my eyes, waiting to be dragged out, but nothing happened. The two just continued their bickering. Without thinking, I let out a small sigh of relief. That was a mistake. Three things happened. Two sets of eyes were on me in less than a second, someone grabbed me by the hair, and I screamed bloody murder.
"Shut up, brat, and stop moving." The man's grip tightened in my hair, making my scalp burn. Tears were starting to well in my eyes from the pain. The only thing in my head before I blacked out was that I was going to die, and there was nothing I could do about it. I really was useless.