Severus Snape was ashamed of himself. He had not meant for the word to come out of his mouth. It had just slipped out. Maybe everything that James had said about him being worthless and "only being a dead weight on Lily's conscience" was the truth. Just maybe it was the truth that Lily Evans had not wanted to speak about.

Severus sat down to the table, he thought over the past five years everything that had happened. How they had met, how they had been sorted, the disappointment of being sorted into a different house and how the feelings had grown. From friendship they had blossomed into a burning passion, from a seed had blossomed a rose. In his reading he had tried to explain the feelings that tortured his soul. The sickness he felt in his stomach was like death.

He did not want to spend the rest of his life like the sweaty palmed teenager he saw himself as. If that was what Severus Snape thought of himself, he wondered how Lily Evan would ever accept him if that was all he saw himself as. It was time to become a man. It was time to face his fears and confront the torment, which followed him.

He reached quickly for the quill:

Dearest Lily,

He scratched her name tenderly. He thought for a moment. He thought of the fields near their house and he thought how beautiful they were. But they were not enough to be compared to Lily.

Dearest Lily,

There are no words that I can write to you to

justify what I said to you today. There are no words

that can be uttered to you to take it back, there are not

enough apologies that I could ever make that would ever

atone for what has been. All I can think of is you. How

you make the world a better place.

I say words cannot make me atone for my actions

today but neither can they describe the feelings in my

heart, I know what I said has forgone any chance of you

ever returning my feelings but I just wanted you to know.

There will only ever be one person who will hold my heart.

Once I dreamt that we would be together and that

we would have a family. You, Lily Evans, the one who saw

beyond the nastiness and bitterness. The one person who

I ever loved. The one that I will only ever love,

Always

He did not sign the letter. He did not want her to know who had written the letter. Secretly he slipped from the celebrating Slytherin Common Room to the Owlery. He moved to the entrance without anyone crossing his path until he was outside the. James Potter's voice laughed, "Did you see Snivellius' shit himself?"

Snape withdrew to the shadows, this time withdrawing his wand. If he had to duel, at least this time he was going to give the Gryffindor golden boy everything that he deserved.

Sirius rounded the corner, like a faithful lap dog, "She seemed very upset."

Lupin agreed, "She was very close to Snape, they were good friends. She told me that often."

Snape screwed up his nose. Friends? Surely they had been more than that? They did not need to be physical to have a strong emotional bond. Snape was not like James who had the girls chasing him morning, noon and night.

"It's the right place to be," Sirius joked, "Between friends and more."

"I really like her, guys," James straightened himself up seriously.

"Come on or we'll get a week's worth of detention from Slughorn if we're caught after you decided to blow it up, Sirius," Lupin hurried past them.

"At least the dungeons need cleaning now," Sirius slapped James on the back. "Come on Romeo."

"Even more reason not to be caught," Lupin called from behind him. The other two jogged quickly after him.

As soon as they were gone, Snape relaxed. It infuriated him the way a man could talk about a woman as if she were a piece of meat. Even if he told Lily, the mood she was in, he doubted that she would believe him. Only the letter would tell.

Severus hardly slept that night. He showered, and bathed three times before he went down to breakfast with the other Slytherins. He sat nervously waiting for the post to arrive. He did not want to eat. He did not know what to think, he just wanted her to read his letter. To understand.

He watched her enter under a pile of books, she was indeed a beautiful person. She always had been with fiery hair. She'd only managed to sit down when the owls began to arrive. Like clockwork, one fell neatly in her lap. Holding his breath he watched her. He watched Lily Evans as her eyes glistened with tears…

Looking up with desperation she found what she was looking for. A happy smile spread across her face. Snape smiled back. "James!" she cried. The tall athletic male strode over to her.

"What have I done now?" he asked.

"If you don't want to go on a date with me that's your choice but I know who I would prefer to go with," she prodded him in the chest.

"I'll go with you," he smiled broadly.

Snape watched both of them like a hawk. His heart broke as he heard Lily ask James Potter on a date. Slowly cracking with each second that the exchange took place.

"Always," Lily whispered to him, loud enough for even Severus to hear.

Then she was gone.