Fixing Me

by slasher92

Sometimes you feel like all you have left in the world is a song. One simple song that is tying you to everything you do and say. A song that represents who you were, who you are, and who you will be

Title: Fixing Me

Author: Slasher92

Rating: NC-17

Pairing: Frank/Gerard

Word count: 4,831

Prompt: "Can you just think of Frankie curled up on his bed with this song playing on his iPod, his ear buds in, sitting in the complete dark the only light he has is the light beaming from his iPod, and tears slowly rolling down his cheek thinking of all the good times he had with Gerard and what life would've been like if they were together or at least still together? Fix You – Coldplay" Prompt is thanks to my friend Ashley Killjoy Earnest – she posted this on a page I belong to called My Frerard Romance and I just had to write it since I could see this so perfectly

Disclaimer: Sadly, none of the My Chem boys are actually my own. I just borrow them from time to time and make they do fun stuff. I occasionally also like to play with their songs too. The concepts portrayed in the story are merely what I wish would happen and in no way reflect reality. I also do not own the song "Fix You" by Coldplay.

Warnings: Language (especially his memories), hand-jobs, mention of suicidal thoughts, angsty!Frank (very very angst-y Frank)

Authors Notes: I hope you all enjoy reading this since I know I enjoyed writing it. I listening to this song on repeat as I wrote and needless to say, I was crying by the time the final product was produced. I did a lot of research for the smaller details in the stories – particularly the memories – and hope I portrayed them as accurately as I can manage. I tried to keep this as realistic as I could but I did have to mess with the Iero wedding date to make it fit with the story.

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And I...
Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And I...
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

Sometimes you feel like all you have left in the world is a song. One simple song that is tying you to everything you do and say. A song that represents who you were, who you are, and who you will be.

The rain was slowly falling outside the window and he knew he should get up and at least pretend to be productive. There were a million things he should be doing right now rather than laying here but he just couldn't get up, couldn't stop feeling. He nearly succeeded at this for the few brief seconds before the song would loop back around only to trap him in his memories once more. Ignoring the world, his wife, his children, and his dogs, Frank Iero lay on the bed with his headphones playing one song over and over. Quietly singing along, he tried to fight the tears that were burning his eyes. He knew he shouldn't be here, in the dark, thinking about what things would have been like. He knew he should be out helping Jamia with Lily, Cherry, and Miles. He knew his dogs were probably looking for food. He knew the band wanted to meet up at some point to go over something. He knew he had responsibilities to the people around him. Yet for some reason, he couldn't make himself move, just like he couldn't make the memories any less painful.

"Frankie! Come here! I want to show you something!" Gerard's excited voice called from the back seat of the van. Frank smiled, turned around, and climbed over the seat to sit beside his friend. Gerard grinned madly at him before shoving something in his face so close that he couldn't identify it. But he really didn't care. That grin made whatever the hell it was worth so much more to Frank.

His phone vibrated on the table beside him and he looked at the message briefly before turning it off and tossing it across the darkened room. He didn't want to talk to anyone. He didn't want to leave the room and face the reality that Gerard wanted to "talk" to him. He would much rather stay here with his song and memories.

"Thank you Akron! And remember we are a little band called My Chemical Fucking Romance! Good night!" With that said Gerard dropped the microphone with his usual drunken flourish and stalked off the stage. Frank giggled at him and gave his guitar to a random tech before looking around to only see that he had disappeared. He jumped around a bit trying to get rid of some of the extra energy from the show. Stumbling into something, he realized that he wasn't exactly sober himself that night but who the fuck cared? They just played their hearts out to a screaming crowd in mother fucking Ohio and they LOVED them! Who cares if they were all drunk and reckless! All he knew is that he had to find Gerard so they could all go celebrate more. Walking around with Mikey tagging…well more like lurking along, he hunted for the older man.

"Gee! Where are you?" Frank called out, his words slurring slightly as he spoke. For some reason Mikey found that hilarious and dissolved into a fit of giggles. He turned around to see the younger Way curled in on himself with laughter. Why was he laughing…? Oh that's right, they were high too. Frank laughed at that thought and turned around only to smack right into Gerard. "Gee! I found you! I missed you! Where did you go? They fucking loved us!" Frank said as he clung to the other man and smiled up at him. Gerard smiled back and he just looked so fucking gorgeous right then. He knew that if he wasn't so drunk that he would say something more suave than "Gunna kiss ya fucker" before he pressed his lips messily to Gerard's.

He couldn't stop the tears from falling from his eyes when that memory hit. It was the first time they had ever kissed. It hadn't mattered that it was drunken and sloppy. All that had mattered to him was that Gerard hadn't pushed him away and had kissed back. He curled in tighter on himself as the tears fell freely now. He tried to keep the memories at bay; but, it seemed once that initial kiss surface the proverbial dam broke.

Frank looked at Gerard as they sat, side by side, at the airport on the way to Europe. It was ass o'clock in the morning and none of them had slept well the night before. Gerard was currently passed out, drooling slightly, against Mikey who wasn't fairing much better. "Dude, do you think he's alive?" Ray asked in a loud whisper before reaching over Frank and poking the drunken Way in the chest. He jerked spastically before settling back down with a disgruntled grunt and what sounded like "fuck off" but no one could be too sure. They had been a tour for a while and were about to head overseas. Mikey shifted slightly and Gerard frowned in his drunken slumber while shifting over to rest against Frank's shoulder. Frank smiled faintly as the other man snuggled as close as he could get in search of Frank's body heat.

"Frankie," he murmured before opening one eye and grinning sleepily at him. Frank couldn't help the foolish grin that nearly spilt his face in return. Ever since that kiss oh so long ago, or what felt like forever ago to Frank, the two had shared quick and drunk kisses when they could, usually under the cover of night. But recently, since the tour picked up pace, they had barely had two minutes alone together and so this sleepy exchange with their band-mates beside them was the best they could manage.

"Hey Gee," he replied softly before Mikey announced they had to board the plane and get going.

Frank didn't know why he was being so melodramatic now. Technically, he and Gerard hadn't even kissed since Jamia and he had gotten married nearly four years ago. In fact, his intention for the day was to just grab his iPod and then take the dogs for a walk before tackling some things around the house that he needed to do. But when the song by Coldplay started, he had found himself frozen in place. Before he realized what has happening, he was sitting on the bed with tears in his eyes as he listened to the lyrics and thought of a different time.

They all sat around silently on the bus. Gerard had finally passed out on his bunk after nearly four hours of frantic whispering and desperate pleas. Frank sat there and nervously cutting glances back to the bunks when he thought no one was looking. It had started off with a call on the phone that he had overheard early that morning when he had been woken up after his blanket had nearly choked him. Gerard had been at rock bottom for a few days and it sounded like one of his normal 5 am conversations with Brian where they would talk for a bit and then Gerard would fall back to sleep. Because of that, Frank had untangled himself from the killer blanket and went back to bed. He was woken up about two hours later when he heard someone stumbling out of their bunk and out of the sleeping area. Being the nosy bastard he is, Frank had to peak out of the curtain to see who it was and where they were going. To his utter shock and surprise, it was Gerard and he was headed over to where Jerry had crashed on the sofa.

"Jerry, Brian wants us to talk." This one sentence filled Frank with more dread than anything else that had happened over the past few days. Jerry got up and they headed off the bus. Neither returned for a while but when they did, Gerard stumbled back to the bunks and passed out without saying a word to anyone.

"He was talking about killing himself," Jerry said to them in a solemn tone that held no room for questions or disbelief. It was a fact and now they had to deal with it. Ray, Mikey, Matt, and Frank just looked at each other, nodded, and sat down for the long wait for Gerard to wake up. Deep down, they knew this was coming eventually. They had just hoped it wouldn't be now. All Frank could do was close his eyes and hope beyond all hope that things would be okay. He knew Gerard was strong…but he also knew the man had limits.

Frank sighed and turned the volume up slightly, the light illuminating his face as he cried softly and let the memories continue their assault.

"4 weeks!" Ray said his fro bouncing slightly as he rocked on his heels. Frank, Mikey, Ray and Bob stood in a semi-circle and stared at the lead singer. Gerard merely looked at them all with an eyebrow raised.

"I am aware," he said with a smile as he reached into his pocket, presumable to play with his coin. Frank shook his head and grinned as Mikey pulled a cupcake out from behind his back with a flourish as the others smiled at him.

"We thought it called for a celebratory cupcake. It would have been a cake but this is all we could get this late at night."Mikey said beaming at his older brother. Gerard smiled and blinked a few times before Mikey stepped forward and set the cupcake down on the counter beside them. "Small steps," Frank heard Mikey whisper to him before pulling him into a tight hug. Ray and Bob waited their turn to hug the man and then it was Frank's turn.

"Gee," he started to say before Gerard cut him off with a small shake of his head and he slowly slipped his hand into Frank's. Trying to make sense of what was going on Frank realized that this was a bigger moment for Gerard than making it one month sober. This was him accepting the drunken kisses and touches as something more. This was him saying he wanted to give this a go…give them a try.

"This better not mess up the fucking band!" Bob called and in a way, he knew that they had the band's blessing…provided they didn't fuck up.

Frank pressed his lips together tightly in order to keep the small sobs that were threatening to break free buried inside him. He knew he couldn't be loud if he didn't want Jamia to come see what was wrong. For all she knew, he was napping. He loved her, he really did but sometimes, it just wasn't what he wanted. The reason that they got married is because he needed to feel normal. He needed to have a family and children. He knew it sounded stupid but he needed the commitment and that was something he could never truly have with Gerard, no matter how much he loved the man.

"Fuck Frank, don't stop. Please don't ever fucking stop," Gerard panted out brokenly as Frank worked his hand rapidly over his cock. With a twist of his wrist that always brought him over the edge, Gerard let out a long, low moan that sounded like Frank's name as he came all over Frank's hand. "Frankie," he whispered, his chest heaving with the aftershocks as he curled into his side. Frank smiled down at him before intertwining their fingers in a lazy motion. Gerard huffed out quiet breaths against his neck as he came down from the euphoric feeling. Frank stirred slightly, his hips rotating against Gerard's thigh slowly. "Oh shit, 'm sorry Frankie," Gerard said sleepily as he reached down to wrap his hand loosely around Frank's dick. It wasn't nearly enough pressure to get him off the fast and frantic way he wanted but it was enough to get the job done. Frank arched his back and thrust into the loose fist a few times as Gerard sucked at his neck, slowly driving him closer and closer to the edge. Frank suddenly came, his orgasm crashing through him without warning. He let out a startled gasp as he rode out the intense feeling. After a few moments, he came back to reality and untangled their fingers.

Gerard made a sad noise of protest but was instantly soothed when Frank said, "Relax. I'm just getting something to clean us up with. We are sticky and gross."

Frank was halfway into the hotel bathroom before he could have sworn he heard Gerard mutter, "Okay Frankie. Gunna take a nap…love you."

Frank wiped gently at the tears that were flowing nonstop at this point. He couldn't help but think about how happy Gerard and he had been back then.

Gerard was sitting at a table in this nice restaurant somewhere in France. The driver, under Frank's orders, had blindfolded him before they left the hotel. He was nervously playing with the edge of the tablecloth as Frank watched for a brief moment. Gerard had never look better in his opinion…even with the bright pink blindfold on. Taking a deep breath, he steeled himself and walked over to Gerard, kissing his cheek gently as he undid the blindfold. When Gerard blinked his eyes open, Frank stood before him in a suit and tie. "Frank, you look amazing," he said before Frank bent down to kiss him properly. "What is this all about?"Frank smiled and sat down.

"I just wanted to celebrate. I mean…it's been two and a half years and I just wanted to do something nice. Ya know, dinner…show…fancy?" Frank said nervously. "If you don't want to, we can go to a different place or something. Or we could just go back to the hotel. I'm sure someone could use our table or something…" he rambled, rubbing the back of his neck.

"Frank, it's perfect. I mean it, I love it. Where are we?" he said, cutting him off. Frank blushed and mumbled something about the Eiffel Tower and Le Jules Verne. Gerard looked at him wide eyed. Frank figured he was realizing just where they were and then…"I love you."

Frank's blush darken at the words before he shyly took out a small black box. "I was kinda hoping you would say that. Listen, Gee, it's been a rough road but I have loved every single second of it. I don't really know how I lucked out and managed to have someone like you fall for me but I'm so happy it did. I love you and I just wanted to make tonight special," he said as he handed the box to Gerard. He bit his lower lip as he watched to see what his reaction would be. Inside the box was a simple gold band with an inscription on the outside.

Frank watched as Gerard turned it around in order to read the words "Holding hands and life was perfect." Frank smiled faintly before slipping the ring onto his finger and kissing him softly.

"Like it says, life's perfect"

That night had been the best night of Frank's life, well at least in regards to them. It was perfect. They spent the rest of that year playing as the Black Parade, just enjoying life one day at the time. They would play their gigs and then spent any free time together acting like a love-sick couple on honeymoon. Until the day that everything fell apart at the seams and those words engraved on the ring became truer than anything. Life was perfect…and then it wasn't.

Gerard was in love with someone else and was about to get married? He bit his lip and stared blankly at the wall in front of him, refusing to look at anyone. He was standing beside Gerard with his soon-to-be wife, Lindsey stood on the other side. Both were grinning at each other while Frank's heart broke. The ceremony was small, just the bands and a few friends. Frank had to keep blinking away tears that stung his eyes. "Do you Lindsey Ann Ballato take Gerard Arthur Way to be your lawfully wedded husband?" Frank couldn't listen to anymore, he tuned it all out until two small words were uttered in the same voice that once told Frank he loved him.

"I do." Frank broke and that is when he could no longer stop the single tear that ran down his cheek.

That was almost 5 years ago and to this very day, it still broke him. He made the decision shortly after that to propose to Jamia. They had been on and off again over the years and she was one of his best friends. It made sense. Since the life he wanted wasn't an option anymore, he would go with the life he needed. Or at least the life he told himself he needed. But now, listening to the song on repeat for well over an hour, he knew that the life he needed was the one that was taken away from him years ago.

Frank looked at Jamia with a small smile. He loved her, he really did. But he wasn't IN love with her. He knew that and sometimes, he thought she knew that too. The man he was in love with was currently standing beside him as his best man in a bizarre twist of irony. It had only been a year ago that he was in that place watching the man he loved marry another woman. The ceremony had just ended and they were about to take their first walk as Mr. and Mrs. Frank Iero. He took her hand and together they started to walk down the make-shift isle they had made from the chairs.

It wasn't until during the reception that he had a chance to talk to Gerard alone. "Congratulations Frankie!" Gerard said with a huge smile plastered on his face. "You two are going to be so happy together," he added before Lindsey walked up behind him and grabbed his hand, immediately intertwining their fingers.

"Yeah, Frank. You and Jamia look wonderful together. Everything was just so romantic," she gushed as she leaned against Gerard. Frank smiled half-heartedly before he pretended to hear someone call his name so he could make a graceful escape.

He had barely gotten anywhere before he heard Gerard calling after him. "Hey Frankie, I wanted to give you something." Frank turned around slowly to see Gerard standing there, his arm outstretched and with something clasped in his fist. Frank held out his hand and felt his heart stop when the object in Gerard's hand hit his. "I didn't want to sell it in case you wanted it back," he said in way of explanation, "I'm sorry Frankie."With that said Gerard kissed his cheek and wandered off somewhere. Frank didn't know where and honestly didn't care…all he knew was that the last thing that had given him hope was now sitting in the palm of his hand.

It was the ring.

Since then, they had gone back to being just friends, they would go out on double dates with their wives, they would play together in their downtime, and they spent hours talking to each other. Gerard was the first person he told when they found out they were having twins. Gerard was the person he called at three A.M. to beg for tips on how to stop Cherry and Lily from crying so he could maybe get some sleep since it was his night. Gerard was the person he would play different rifts for when he came up with them. Gerard was still his rock even if they were never meant to be together again. It was Gerard's ring that he wore around his neck as a constant reminder.

"Hey Frank, we need to talk okay? I have something important to tell you. Please call me back as soon as you get this. Bye." Frank had listened to that voicemail over a dozen times and still didn't have the courage to call him back. In fact, he hadn't spoken to Gerard in a few days. With Miles being born, he had been swept up in the hectic lifestyle of a new baby. Deep down, he knew that whatever Gerard had to say was going to affect his live forever and was thankful for the excuse that a new baby provided, even if it made him a coward. He knew he couldn't hid forever and knew that eventually they would have to talk but he just wanted to delay the inevitable heart break for a little longer.

A soft knock on the door started him from his thoughts. He froze. He wasn't sure why he did but something deep inside him told him to. Jamia had Miles in her arms and was peering into the darkness. "Honey, you awake?" Frank didn't say a word in reply. "Gerard's here to see you," she added. Frank couldn't move. The man he loved, who he was sobbing over, was here to see him. In reality it wasn't unusual for the guys to show up every so often just to talk and hang out but Frank knew that this wasn't one of those times. He knew that Gerard was here to tell him whatever he had called about. Closing his eyes, he let the music wash over him and bring him to a happier time.

"Frank?" They were lying curled around each other in Gerard's bunk, Frank's head resting on his chest.

"Yeah Gee?" He looked up at him with a sated smile.

Gerard took a deep breath before saying, "I love you Frank." Frank smiled and nodded his head.

"I know Gerard. I love you too." It was a simple exchange. No overly fussy romantic gestures, which was surprising seeing as it was Gerard, no confession…just a simple I love you between two men who loved each other deeply. Gerard smiled happily and kissed the top of Frank's head as they interweaved their fingers.

"Frank Anthony Iero, I know you are awake so get up" Gerard said flipping on the light. Frank rolled over and hid his face in the pillow, determined to not let him know he had been crying. "Frank! Get your ass up. We are going for a walk," he declared before snatching the iPod away and causing Frank to grunt as the earphones where ripped from his ears.

"Ouch fucker, leave me alone," Frank said while turning away from Gerard, his back to him. Of course, being Gerard, he merely climbed over Frank and crashed down beside him making the bed bounce slightly.

"Frankie…you okay?" Gerard asked noticing the tear stains on his cheeks. Frank shut his eyes in a childish attempt to make it all go away. "Frank, why were you crying?" Gerard suddenly seemed a lot close than he was before once Frank opened his eyes.

"Just was thinking. Guess I'm getting overly emotional in my old age?" he said trying to joke but he knew it came across as a question instead of the cocky reply he wanted it to be. He brushed it off as nothing but he knew that Gerard wouldn't buy it. As Gerard looked expectantly at him, he finally snapped. "I was thinking about us okay? I was crying because I miss what we had and this song reminded me of it all and I lost it. I love you Gerard. I always have and I always will. Jamia and the kids are important to me but I can never stop loving you. I am in love with you and you knew that and you still went and got married and left me. I love you with all that I am, we were perfect and then you left. You gave it all away for her and it kills me. I know this sounds selfish and immature but I don't give a fuck anymore. I was there for you when you went through everything, I saw the fucking worst sides of you and I still love you. I could never stop loving you no matter who I married or how many children I had. Yes, I love Jamia, Cherry, Lily, and Miles but I was never in love with her. It was something I did because I thought it was the life I needed because the one I wanted UP AND MARRIED ANOTHER WOMAN AND LEFT ME TO DEAL WITH A GODDAMN FUCKING BROKEN HEART!" By the end of his rant, he was crying and shouting. He knew he was making a fool of himself and would regret this in a moment but right now, all he could do is sob and let the years of heartache explode. Gerard said nothing. He just wrapped an arm around Frank's shaking torso and pulled him close.

"I never knew Frank. I thought when you married Jamia, you had moved on. I'm sorry," he whispered over and over as the younger man continued to cry. They stayed there, wrapped up in each other for nearly an hour before Jamia knocked on the door.

"Frank…I think we should talk." Frank looked up and saw his wife standing there with a small bag beside her. His heart stopped.

"No baby, don't. Please don't do this to me. I love you…I do. Please don't leave me," he babbled as he tore out of Gerard's embrace to run to her.

"Frank, it's okay. I think it's time we are both truthful with each other. I love you, I do, when I married you, I meant what I said. But I am not in love with you. I don't think I ever have been. I love our family and would never do anything to hurt us, which is why I have decided to leave and let you be happy again. I know you love me and the kids but be honest Frank, when was the last time you were truly happy…I mean unconditionally happy?" she paused briefly to let Frank think before she continued, "Frankie, honey, I think it would be best if you and I stopped this charade and were happy. I know the man who makes you happy is currently crying behind you and the woman who makes me happy is currently waiting in the car for me after dropping off the man you love." Frank looked confused by that last bit so he turned to Gerard, the confusion clear on his face.

"That's why I wanted to talk to you Frank. Linds and I were talking the other night and we kinda realized that we were with the wrong person. I mean I do love her and Bandit but I just didn't feel complete. When we admitted who we really wanted, well…it became clear what we had to do. I love you Frank and I was a fool for leaving your side all those years ago. Please forgive me?"

Frank didn't move. Frank didn't breath. Frank stood there, unmoving. Both Gerard and Jamia looked at him worriedly before he suddenly moved. He sunk onto the bed and without a word, started to cry once more. This time the tears were silent, not a single sounds coming from him.

"I love you."

"I do."

"I'm sorry Frankie."

"Please forgive me?"

Their band, their family, their life. It had always been the two of them, entwined together and inseparable, Frank Iero and Gerard Way. Now, all of the sudden, there was a chance for it all to go back to the way it was? Frank loved Jamia. Frank loved Gerard. He just wanted happiness again. He didn't want to cry and hurt anymore. But was the chance worth it?

Yes. It was.

"I do."

~The End~

Well that is all for now folks! But I already have a sequel in the works so be on the lookout for that soon! Hope you all enjoyed it!