Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters from the Marvel Universal.
Real or Not Real
"My name is James Buchanan Barnes aka Bucky. I was born March 10th 1917 and I grew up in Brooklyn. I joined the army, I was a sergeant in the 107th infantry until I fought alongside Captain America in the Howling Commandos. I spent over seventy years as the brainwashed assassin of Hydra, the Winter Soldier. Captain America is my best friend Steve Rogers and I love him very much," said Bucky to his reflection in the mirror of the bathroom. Not long after the fall of Hydra and Bucky slowly started to regain his memories, Steve found him and let him live with him hoping to help him regain more of his memories. One of the techniques that Bucky started to do was start to list off the meager list of things he remembered about himself in hopes that he would never forget them like he once did. Though Bucky made sure never to say the part about him being in love with Steve while Steve was in the same room. One of the first set of memories Bucky regained was about Steve and the fact that he loved him pretty much all his life, but as far as he could tell, Steve only saw him as a friend.
"Hey Buck, are you doing alright in there," asked Steve as he knocked on the door.
"Yeah, I was just thinking that it may be time for me to get a haircut," said Bucky as he tugged on the ends of his shoulder length hair. At least Bucky wasn't really lying. His longer hair seemed to be connected to the Winter Soldier and short hair was connected to Bucky Barnes and he wanted to get rid of anything that had to do with the Winter Soldier. Bucky reached over and touched the shoulder of his metal arm where he had Steve paint over the red star with a design like Captain America's shield.
"I could cut your hair for you, I know what length you usually liked to have it," said Steve on the other side of the door.
"I would like that," said Bucky with a slight smile, even though he would probably never say his feelings out loud to Steve, he liked having him close to him. Bucky strode to the door and opened it. Bucky found Steve perfect, even before Steve became the super soldier he was today, Bucky only saw perfection in Steve. Once Steve was in the room, he made Bucky sit in front of the mirror, draped a towel over his shoulders, and found a pair of scissors.
"How are things going with your memories, have anymore come back," asked Steve as he started to cut Bucky's hair. In spite of how strong Steve had become, he still had that air of gentleness that he had when he was not confronting bullies which made Bucky love him. Bucky nervously chewed on his bottom lip. "What is wrong Buck, you can tell me," said Steve with concern in his voice.
"I think some memories are coming back, it is hard to tell if they are real memories or not. Hydra really screwed with my mind so much that it is hard to sort through what is real and what is not," said Bucky. Unlike his feelings for Steve, most memories seemed kind of blurry, which made him wonder if they were real or not. Bucky instantly regretted saying this when he looked at the reflection of the mirror and saw that Steve's eyes shined with tears threatening to fall. "Hey, don't worry, it isn't that bad," said Bucky with a slight shrug.
Steve briefly paused in cutting Bucky's hair to run the back of his hand over his eyes. "It means a lot to me, I want to help you," said Steve before he looked thoughtful. "I thought of something, you could tell me these memories and ask me if they are real or not, I will be able to tell you if they are real or not not, I have known you for such a long time, I could be able to help," said Steve before he started to resume cutting Bucky's hair.
"It is worth a try. My favorite food is sugar cookies. Real or not real," said Bucky deciding to start with something simple.
"Real, for your birthday and Christmas I used to bake you a tin filled with sugar cookies," said Steve with a smile.
"You know how to bake," said Bucky in shock.
"Yeah, since I was just raised by only my mom and I had such delicate health, she taught me to bake and sew," said Steve as he was finishing up. Bucky smiled as he thought of a smaller and younger Steve either standing by an oven waiting for whatever he was baking to be done or having a look of concentration on his face as he was sewing up a hole in a pair of pants. He smiled hoping that this would have more positive results like this.
"You gave me the nickname Bucky. Real or not real," asked Bucky with the smile still plastered on his face.
"Real, when I met you, everyone called you James and you hated that. But when I met you and found out your middle name was Buchanan, I started to call you Bucky. You liked it just stuck until almost everyone called you that. All done, what do you think," said as he pulled away the towel and put away the scissors.
"Perfect," said Bucky as he ran his fingers through his now short hair. He looked like the image of himself from his days during the war that Steve kept on his bedside table right by his war time sweetheart, Peggy Carter. Bucky wasn't really jealous that Steve still loved Peggy, he bust wished that Steve could love him that way someday.
A couple days later, Steve found himself lounging on the couch watching the box set of the first season of Game of Thrones that Tony leant him. At this point Steve knew that Tony kept insisting that he watch it because he was hoping that all the sex and gore would cause Steve to freak out. But to Tony's shock when Steve called and told him that he loved the show and wanted to borrow the second season when he was done with this one.
Steve never understood why so many of his teammates believed that he was a prude, he was an artist and had to draw many nude models during art class, both male and female, so the nude human form was not so scandalous to him. He fought in a war and was the leader of the Avengers, so violence was part of the job even when he wished that there was a little bit less of it. But what was the most shocking to everyone, even Bucky was when he admitted that he had sex with Peggy not long after everyone thought Bucky had died. Steve needed comfort and he had already talked to Peggy about marrying her after the war was over, so at the time it seemed quite natural.
Steve was pulled out of his thoughts when he felt someone tap on his arm. When he looked in the direction he smiled when he saw that it was Bucky. He could tell now that after starting to do this "Real or Not Real" game it seemed like he becoming more and more like the Bucky he grew up with. Steve smiled a little at the Grumpy Cat shirt Bucky was wearing today, Bucky had insisted on buying it when Tony jokingly called him Grumpy Cat because he said Bucky looked like her when he scowled.
"Steve, I think I had a memory come back, but it can wait since it looks like you are enjoying your show," said Bucky.
Steve quickly grabbed the remote and paused what he was watching. "The dynastic battles of Westeros can wait, your memories are more important," said Steve as he turned to face his friend.
"Alright, you always wanted to learn how to dance, but never got the chance to, not even with Peggy. Real or not real," asked Bucky.
"Real," sighed Steve softly with a little bit of longing in his voice. His dating life was a disaster to say the least, before he became Captain America, most women looked upon him with disdain because he was so small and weak. His relationship with Peggy was great, but it ended in disaster when he went into the ice and she died not that long ago. He had tried to date Sharon, but it turned out that they were better off as just friends since she was Peggy's great niece and had fallen in love with Steve's other friend Sam.
"I can teach you how to dance," said Bucky as he stood up and held out his hand. Steve hesitated, not at the fact that he would be dancing with another man, even in the 1940s Steve believed that two people should be allowed to love each other even if the people were of the same gender. It was because of the fact that when Steve tried to encourage Natasha to date Bruce, she told him that she would try to ask him out if he thought of doing the same for Bucky since it was quite obvious that he was head over heels in love with Steve. In fact it seemed that Steve was the only one to not realize that Bucky loved Steve and had to be told about it. Steve wondered if he could love Bucky as much as he loved Peggy.
"Come on Steve, I won't step on your feet, you reassured me that I was quite athletic before I joined the army. I mean I could understand why Hydra would want me to know wrestling, but it was also odd that I knew how to play baseball and was quite a good dancer," said Bucky with a smirk which made Steve laugh.
"Sure, why not," said Steve taking Bucky's hand so he could be helped up. It was only a dance, Steve told himself, what harm could this bring. Once Steve was standing up, Bucky showed him where to put his hands and they started a slow dance. Steve's confusion grew even more when he realized that there was something right about dancing with Bucky like this. He wondered did he love Bucky the way that Bucky loved him. He even started to wonder what it would be like to kiss him.
"You are catching on very quickly," said Bucky proudly which pulled Steve out of his thoughts.
"It must be the super soldier serum," muttered Steve while blushing. Steve then noticed a look of concentration on Bucky's face. Steve knew that Bucky got that look when he seemed to have stumbled upon a memory. "What is it Buck," asked Steve.
"I have three younger sisters. Real or not real," asked Bucky. Steve sighed wondering how long it would take for him to come across this one and he had hoped that it would be a while before he did.
"Yes, their names are Rebecca, Elizabeth, and Mary," said Steve as they continued to dance.
"That is wonderful, I can't wait to meet them again, though it will probably be odd considering that I still look quite young and they are older," said Bucky excitedly. Steve's heart broke when he heard how excited Bucky was.
"Bucky, I am so sorry, all three of your sisters are dead. Rebecca or Becky as we used to call her was the last one to die and she died not long after I came out of the ice. I heard that they lived long and happy lives, Howard provided them everything they needed too," said Steve. Steve felt terrible for saying this especially the part about Howard since it was found out that Hydra had Bucky kill Howard and his wife Maria when he was the Winter Soldier.
The look of excitement fell from Bucky's face before he gently pushed Steve away and he walked back to his room. It didn't take long until Steve heard Bucky screaming as he was breaking objects in his room. Every time Steve heard Bucky screamed and broke another object.
Steve quickly ran over the door of his room and ripped open the door. Bucky was standing there screaming as he was punching a hole in the wall. A look of anger and pain was on his face as tears fell from his eyes. There were many torn up and smashed items around the room. "Bucky," cried out Steve as he ran over to his friend in pain and quickly turned him around. At that point Bucky accidentally punched him with his metal arm. Steve felt throbbing pain on one side of his face and one of his eyes swelling shut, but his main concern was Bucky.
The look on Bucky's face was then replaced with one of concern. "Steve, I am so sorry, I didn't mean to," said Bucky using the hand still made of flesh to cup the uninjured side of Steve's face. Steve just leaned into the hand to show him that he was not upset.
"Bucky, I know that this is not your fault, you were just grieving over the deaths of your sisters," said Steve as he reached over and wiped away the tears on Bucky's face.
"I never got to even say goodbye to them," said Bucky in a pained tone of voice. Steve threw his arms around Bucky. Bucky buried his face into Steve's shoulder. Steve started to softly hum a song that Bucky would find comforting while his shoulder became wet from the tears. "Steve, can we continue dancing, I like dancing with you," said Bucky softly.
"Of course Buck," said Steve softly as took their positions again and started to dance again while Steve hummed. In spite of the pain on the side of his face and the swollen eye, Steve just continued to dance with Bucky and kept eye contact with him. He wished that he could give Bucky what he wanted the most, his love.
That night, Bucky woke up from a nightmare. Steve had tried to get Bucky to sleep with him, but Bucky told him that he was fine. Besides Bucky didn't know if he could stand lying next to Steve while trying to be just his friend when he wanted so much more. Bucky had to admit that regretted deciding to sleep alone and made his way to Steve's room. In spite of the large black eye, Steve looked so peaceful as he slept. Bucky just reached over and tousled Steve's hair which was shorter than it used to be during the days of the war.
There was another reason why he came to check on Steve, his nightmare was about the fight he had with Steve on the hellicarrier, but when Steve told he would be with him until the end of the line, Bucky as the Winter Soldier reached out and broke Steve's neck instead of starting to regain his memories. Bucky just had to check on Steve to see if he was alright. To tell the truth Bucky feared that the Winter Soldier may take over him again him somehow and hurt Steve. It also hurt Bucky that he was so close to Steve and was unable to tell him how much he loved him. Bucky just leaned close to Steve and softly kissed him on the lips.
Bucky stood up again and decided to talk to a friend. He walked back to his room and put on a black a jacket on over his pajamas which was just a black shirt and black pajama pants with Captain America shield designs on them. He also shoved on a pair of boots before he grabbed the keys and left the apartment. Bucky got on Steve's motorcycle and started to drive towards his destination.
When Bucky reached his destination, he parked the motorcycle and got off of it. He walked towards the building and knocked on the door. The woman he had known as Jane Foster opened the door. "Hello Bucky, what are you doing here," asked Jane.
"Is Loki here," asked Bucky. From what he gathered, Jane used to date Thor. But after it was proven that Loki had been controlled by the Chitauri, Jane had fallen in love with Loki over a period of time and Thor who wanted his brother to be happy let Jane get with Loki who now lived with her.
"Of course, come inside," said Jane as she opened the door more. Bucky walked by and muttered a thank you. Jane walked off and after a few minutes Loki walked into the room. Bucky looked down since Loki was wearing a pair of black boxer briefs. Like Bucky, Loki had associated long hair with bad memories and had his hair cut shorter than when he fought against the Avengers.
"There must be a reason why you came here while I was sleeping," asked Loki. Because of the control that the Chitauri had over him, Bucky actually start to see Loki as a friend.
"Yeah, I had a nightmare about hurting Steve and I am worried that the Winter Soldier may come out again and hurt him," said Bucky.
"From what I heard, the reason why you became the Winter Soldier because Hydra kept wiping your mind, but since you are no longer getting your mind wiped and your memories were allowed resurface again. So as far as I can tell the Winter Soldier is gone and being close to Steve is helping you. Is there anything else," said Loki.
"I am sure like everyone else aside from Steve you know that I am in love with Steve. I am happy that I can be close to Steve now, but I am afraid to tell him because in the time we used to live quite a few people hated the idea of a man loving another man and I don't want to lose him," said Bucky.
"Even if Captain Rogers didn't love you that way, I don't think he could ever hate you and I am sure he never held the views that those people did. I would say that you should try to tell him how you feel about him, you may receive a surprise and he could feel the same way about you," said Loki.
"Is that what you did for Jane," asked Bucky as he looked up a little bit.
"Pretty much," said Loki as he shrugged a little.
"It is that simple, just tell him and hope he feels the same way," said Bucky as he nervously ran his fingers through his hair.
"Yes and be grateful I am your friend or else I wouldn't have wouldn't have woken up that to talk to you," said Loki with a smile. "I am going to bed now, just go home and tell him as soon as you can you don't chicken out as you mortals put it," said Loki as he walked back to his bedroom. Bucky sighed and hoped he was about to do the right thing.
When Steve was pulled out of his sleep something didn't feel right. He stumbled out bed and made his way towards Bucky's room. To his shock, Bucky wasn't there. At this point Steve started to feel his panic rise. He tried to keep calm thinking that Bucky may have decided that he needed a snack, but he wasn't in the kitchen. Bucky wasn't in the living room watching the TV. Steve ran downstairs to the gym to see if Bucky was there working out like he did when he got restless, but he wasn't there. Steve talked to some of the neighbors, but most of them said that they didn't see him. But one person did claim that he left a couple hours ago while carrying a set of keys. Steve numbly nodded and just walked back to the apartment.
Once back in the apartment, Steve fell to his knees as tears fell from his eyes and sobs shook his body. Right now it seemed like the only logical explanation that Steve had was that Bucky had run away from him, but he wondered what the reason why. He wondered if Bucky left because he was afraid of hurting Steve again. He had spent the entire afternoon telling Bucky that he was not mad that Bucky had accidentally hit him, but Bucky still spent the entire day wracked with guilt.
Another terrible thought hit him, what if Bucky had left because he was tired of being just friends with Steve and left to find another person who would actually love him. It had to be quite ironic if he did this when Steve was starting to realize that he was in love with Bucky. Sitting here crying made Steve realize that the strong feelings that he had for Bucky were not just friendship, but love. It was the kind of love that made it so not having the person in his life was very painful for him.
Steve was quite shocked when felt someone gather him up their arms and place him on their lap while making calming sounds. He also realized that the left arm was metal which meant it was Bucky, but instead of calming him down, it just made Steve cry even more as he clung to Bucky. "Steve, why are you crying," said Bucky with concern in his voice. Steve was usually the calm and strong one that needed to comfort Bucky, so it was quite odd for both of them to see their roles reversed like this.
"I thought you had left me," was all Steve could choke out before he was overwhelmed and buried his face into Bucky's chest.
"Silly Steve, I would never leave you, I would die without you in my life," said Bucky softly as he let Steve cry on his chest. After a few minutes, Steve started to calm down and Bucky stood up carrying Steve bridal style.
"I can walk Buck," said Steve trying to sound lighthearted, but there was still a tremor in his voice.
"Just let me have this, I want to do this," said Bucky with a smile that made Steve's heart flutter. Now that Steve had fallen in love with Bucky, he was able to finally notice how handsome Bucky was to him. The artist in Steve felt a great desire to draw Bucky. "Is there something you find fascinating with this ugly mug," laughed Bucky as he walked towards Steve's room and all Steve could do was burry his face in Bucky's chest. Steve blushed at how he was acting around Bucky, he was usually so calm and serious, but now he seemed to be acting like a silly school girl with a crush.
Once Steve in the room, Bucky lay Steve on the bed and just looked at him intently. "Steve, I noticed something and while it is not a memory, I want to know if it is real or not," said Bucky as he eased himself on the bed.
"Of course, just ask," said Steve.
"You love me. Real or not real," said Bucky with hope in his voice.
"Real," said Steve, there was no hesitation in his voice. Bucky smiled before he leaned forward and softly kissed Steve on the lips. Steve started to return the kiss and it felt right. When Bucky's brushed his tongue against Steve's lips, Steve opened his mouth and let the kiss deepen.
"I have always loved you Steve," said Bucky when they pulled away.
"I love you too, I am sorry it took me so long to realize that," said Steve before he leaned forward again to kiss Bucky's lips again. After this kiss ended, they both lay down and started to fall asleep in each other's arms. "Stay with me," said Steve while stifling a yawn.
"I won't leave you Steve, you are stuck with me for life," said Bucky before he fell asleep with his head on Steve's chest. The thought of sharing a life with Bucky made a smile grace Steve's lips as he finally fell asleep.
Author's Note: Aside from one of Bucky's sisters, I didn't really know the names of the other two, I hope you don't mind me making names for the other two