People thought that Sousuke didn't like doing things in his spare time. On the contrary, it was anything but. Kaname called on him, at times, to check if he was okay, or to scream at him for his latest security measure. (The fish bowl had seemed like a good idea at the time.) But apart from the occasional visit, he was left mainly to his own devices.
And if he was alone, he had nothing to do but think.
With Kaname and her friends around, he just had to engross himself with the task of protecting Kaname; sink into that familiar routine of protecting, getting whacked and sometimes even saving.
But when he's alone, he has nothing but his thoughts to occupy his time, past and memories swirling into one dense cloud. It wasn't as if he could pick apart the cloud, steal one memory at a time, deal with it and keep the others at bay. It was a huge mass of memories, thoughts, failures, and the whole idea of his past, pounding at the back of his skull.
It was there, always there, just threatening to spill.
One day, it was going to spill over and everyone was going to know.
To know how he had given in, crawling back to his enemy under the strain of everything. His terror of being found out, carefully smoothed away by large, strong hands that coaxed and pulled and teased. How the deep chuckle that Sousuke knew he should loathe brought familiarity, and the name that brought shivers down his spine.
Kashim. My Kashim.
He couldn't drown it out. Not with the loud, irritating 'Spin Girls' CD that Mao had lent him, not with a whole day spent in the firing lodge, emptying round after round after round. He couldn't do anything to stop the noise, to stop the guilt that tried to claw its way out of him.
He hated it. How weak he had been, still is.
How he had gone back repeatedly, for more.
end
And so I join psycho pixie in the land of gauronxsousuke. XD Fans of the pairing should join the below adress.
www(dot)livejournal(dot)com(slash)fmpslash