"Dean, are you awake?" Castiel's voice was low in the quiet hotel room, hovering hesitantly next to the bed where the older Winchester was sleeping. The silence was broken only by the sound of the hunter's steady breathing - in and out, over and over. Castiel sighed and after a moment of contemplation, sat on the edge of the bed. His feet rested solidly on the worn rug under him, forearms resting on his thighs and fingers laced together.
"I suppose I'll take your silence as a no. It's just…" the angel trailed off, brow furrowing slightly. He felt foolish; Cas might as well have been talking to himself. But he was out of ideas and honestly, it was worth a shot. Cas didn't know what else he could do.
"Long ago, my Father would sometimes give messages to His loyal followers in dreams. Tasks that He needed to be carried out. It's said… It's said that even today, people can process what is being said to them whilst they sleep. Sometimes they can even answer in their sleep." Cas' gaze flickered sideways hopefully wondering if he would get a response, but when the silence grew between them he sighed and looked back down.
"I don't have a task for you Dean. I just… Needed to talk to you." Castiel had only planned up to this moment – beyond this, the words did not come to him. He was worried that the sound of his heart thudding against his ribs would no doubt wake the hunter. But no, Dean continued to sleep quietly – in and out, over and over.
"This part is… Difficult for me. And perhaps difficult for you to hear." The angel chuckled softly, the sound rumbling in his chest. He highly doubted Dean could hear him, even now. "But I need to say it." Castiel sat up a bit straighter, turning to look at Dean again with pained blue eyes, adrenaline making his hands clench nervously.
"I'm sorry, Dean. I'm sorry for breaking our bond. I didn't think. I didn't—"Cas paused, frowning in confusion at the dull burning in his throat. He tried to swallow it down, but this proved to be futile. So with a shuddering breath, the angel worked around it.
"I messed up Dean. I – even now, in this god-like state, I have almost no regrets. I don't regret consuming all of the souls of Purgatory because it had to be done, and I don't regret working with Crowley because he helped me achieve my ends. But… But I regret losing you Dean. And I thought the feeling would pass, but…" Castiel blinked and took a breath in, his confusion building as the breath got caught. As if a heavy band was constricting his lungs. Breathe in, breathe out – over and over.
"But it didn't pass, Dean. Almost two months later and here I am, still coming to you and watching over you. Even though I know if you saw me, you would no doubt spit in my face in disgust." The angel's lips tugged down, eyes swimming. The band on his lungs grew tighter, a heavy weight setting hotly in his chest. "I've been staying away because that was one of the last things you said to me. You demanded that I stay out of your sight. Out of your life, for good."
Castiel was crying – his almost silent sobs were making his tightly pressed together lips tremble and his jaw ache. But he had to get this out. Castiel looked back up, focusing his swimming blue eyes on the peaceful hunter.
"But I still hear your prayers Dean, even the ones you don't vocalize in front of Sam and Bobby. The ones you murmur silently every night, asking for a sign from me to let you know I was still around. The ones where you plead with me, asking me to come back so we can talk. The ones where you say I can come back if I just let the souls free." Castiel's vision was hopelessly blurred now and with an anguished groan, he whipped his head back down, hands fisting the material of his dress slacks desperately.
"I can't give these souls up Dean. I'm doing this all for you and your cause. Why can't you just believe in me for once, the same way I placed my trust in you countless times. I gave up trying to receive the approval of my Father so I— I worked instead for your approval. I worked for your approval, your trust, your friendship… I worked for your love, Dean." Castiel chuckled weakly, wiping at his eyes roughly. His chest was strumming with a dull ache that beat in time with his heart, each painful thud feeling painfully human.
No matter how powerful Castiel might be, Dean would always make him weak in ways the angel couldn't understand. Dean Winchester made the angel ache, made him feel confused and hurt and so… Human. But this talk wasn't just for Dean. Castiel had to admit something to himself just as much as he had to tell Dean. With a shaky breath the angel stood up slowly, feeling for the first time in a long time exhaustion and fatigue through to his very core. The angel couldn't help but step closer to Dean, realizing for what was not the first time how beautiful the hunter was. Everything about him – physically, mentally, spiritually – was put together in such a way that resulted in... this man. And at one point, once upon a time, Castiel had said he shared a profound bond with this man.
"I love you." The words were barely above a whisper, his throat constricting painfully as tears stung in his eyes. Castiel looked down at Dean, a small part of him scared that the hunter would wake up. But nothing happened – Dean slept peacefully, in and out, over and over. Castiel chuckled, lips quirking up slightly as tears ran down his cheeks slowly. He laughed because he was scared if he didn't laugh, he would simply fall apart.
Reaching down, Castiel brushed his fingers ever so gently over Dean's brow. He couldn't help himself, the angel had to feel Dean under his touch just once, even in the most innocent of ways. He had to because he had to know this was real. That, although Dean now wanted nothing more from Castiel, that the hunter was okay. That he was safe.
"I love you Dean. And I'm… I'm sorry."
A soft flutter of wings. And then nothing. Nothing but the sound of Dean's gentle breathing, in and out, over and over—
"I love you too."