I never chose this path for myself, even if the entire world blames me for it. I never wanted to become the monstrous god of the Souma family. I never had a say in this. I was born being told that it was my destiny to watch over the entire zodiac. It was a fate that was forced upon me. So the monster that everyone knows and hates today? That person was merely the creation of the Souma family's pride and insecurity…
In all honestly, I never wanted to become the head of the family. The expectations were high and unreasonable. There were many responsibilities I had to assume simply because I was born into this position. Did no one think that I wanted to grow up like the other children? Like Yuki? Like the black sheep with the orange hair? Nobody ever truly acknowledged him, but I suppose that is better than this. Everyone acknowledges me, but they do no see me. They see the dictator that they fear and hate. They do not look at me with second thoughts. What I have… This is not a life. This is worse than all of the zodiac curses combine. I am the heart of it all.
Since childhood, I was kept inside because I was the sickliest child ever born to the Souma family. I was never allowed to leave the Souma Estate while many of the other children were allowed out as often as they wished. I stayed inside and kept to myself as I was taught that the way to gain control was through fear. Mother made it quite clear to me, and so I have always used this concept. It was all I've ever known. It is the one law of life that I abide to… In essence, it is all that I am…Fear.
It had never failed me before, ruling with fear, that is. I did not care if anyone felt strongly about me. Whether they hated me or loved me…none of that was to my concern. I just wanted to make sure that everyone knew that it was I who was in control. Being a member of the Souma family meant that their life belonged to me, and I as supreme ruler of the family could do as I wished with their lives… In time, it all became but a game to me…a cruel, but very amusing game.
After all, in comparison to all the minor monsters of the Souma family, I might as well be considered a god. Is it not true that they must conform every single aspect of their lives according to my will? Why then can I not become the god of the Souma Family? It only made sense…
Fear of losing…Fear of God… Was it all the same? Under the roof of this cursed estate, fear was uniform. It was the one thing that kept us all united…fear. Mother was always right, I suppose. Even in the end, though I hated her even as she died, she was right in everything she told me. She was so painfully right that I could not dare to live differently than from what she told me. It would be illogical.
My mother was a selfish woman. She never cared for me as a person. She cared for me as the heir to the Souma clan. Even she thought I was a monster. Ha, she had all the right to… She was the one who created me, was she not? Then again…it still hurts every once in awhile when I think about the things she called me… She deserved to die. I do not miss her one bit. She was a wretched woman. She loved power, she did not love me. She wanted to fight me for all I had. And if I was not her child, would she have shown me the slightest bit of mercy? I do not think so.
Our clan, our family is truly a dysfunctional one. How many other families turn into animals when they are held by the opposite gender? I have learned well enough to avoid that. I stay clear of all women, because just like mother, they have the greatest potential for being evil… Just like mother. Just like me.
Then Yuki found that ugly girl Tohru Honda. She was secretly as evil as mother. She took his heart and made him defy me, me, the god of the Souma! I hate her! I hate her so much! She speaks as if she knows my pain! She speaks as if she knew how it is to only have less than twenty years to live! She cries as if she knew what kind of demons I face every single day of my life! She smiles like the world will become a more brilliant place, like it will suddenly one day become uncorrupted like it never was! That girl symbolism hope, but it is all false hope, and the pity and sympathy the she showed me only angered me more… What does she know? What could a stupid ugly stranger like her possibly know about me or anything for that matter? Maybe nothing, but maybe she knew everything… I do not know anymore.
Maybe there is a jealousy in my heart that is resurfacing itself. I want to be free. I want to be free from this prison. Yuki ran away. He was able to run away because his fate is not the same as mine. He has no obligations to this family no matter how much I tried to convince him that he did. He has no obligations to stay with me; none whatsoever.
He seems happy that one time I saw him at school with that dumb girl. I want to be happy too, but perhaps when you are born so great, you lose things like the rights to simple happiness. When people like me are born into such ranks in life, we are forbidden to fend for ourselves and must think of the good of the whole. Superiority at such a price should be banned. I think that if I was a lesser person, all my problems would be solved. Unfortunately, I am much too great by blood to ever even hope to become a lesser person, and so I am bound to this cursed destiny. It is so lonely at the top sometimes.
When he dies, people will gladly gather roses for him and scatter them about his grave. Me? They might do the same out of obligations the first few months, but eventually nobody in the world will ever remember that I have once existed. My epitaph will be overcome and devoured by weeds and ivy and the like, and I will disappear like I never was when I die because nobody ever knew me… I was merely the demon that ran their life. I was just the fear and control installed in their minds. My image was never in their hearts. It never will be.
When I die, which will be rather soon, I presume… Yuki would not shed a single tear for me. He will laugh for he has finally been freed from the Devil's snares. He will celebrate and dance on my grave. The other children… Kisa…Hiro… will all be happy. Even Shigure and Hatori will be glad to finally lay me six feet below. I have prevented them from finding happiness of their own. I made it so that their lives tied to me as if they were indebted to serving me. Nobody will be sad when I die… When I die, their lives will all finally begin.
But I do not want to die… Even if my life will never get much better, the hope that it would… No…no, there is no hope. My life is far more than half lived, I already know. It is a fact that I simply cannot deny. I could tell myself otherwise, but what is the use? I already know that I will die very soon. I have always known. There was never any hope for me since I was born. Without a choice, without an opportunity to fight back, I will be erased completely from the face of the Earth.
It does make me a little sad when I stare out of my window alone. The little yellow canary that has always been my only friend has even flown away. When given the chance, he took off without second thought, and he never came back. Why would he come back to me? I would not even come back to me if I was able to so luckily leave.
Then it makes me wonder… what purpose did I really serve during my time alive? All I did was suffer and made others suffer with me. I really did not accomplish anything besides extending mother's law of fear.
Mother, you bitch. You must be so proud of me now, aren't you? Look at me, mother! Am I not the demon you have always yearned to create? Am I not the perfect tool for you? I hope you are turning in your grave right now. I hope you are rotting in self hatred and regret! You are alone and dead! I am already alone, but soon I will be dead as well! Isn't that grand, mother? I bet you wanted me to end up as miserable as you were if not worse. At least somebody loved you! You were not happy with just that so you had to try and take that from me as well! I hate you! I hate you, you bitch! I hate you for ever giving birth to me… I hate that I am going to join you again… Mother…
I am really not as insane as I make myself seem, and guess what? Even I know what pain feels like. I have a heart too, it is just slightly colder than most others and a lot more jaded. Even though I might be better looking and more intelligent than most, I am still really just human… Or so I like to pretend. No, I really am not human, am I? I am neither human, demon, nor God. I am a creature… an evil but sensitive creature that must be kept in a solitary cage in the back of the house, away from the view of other living beings, for to witness me in all my grotesque perfection is to secure instant torment and to have your rights of life stolen away from you. I am the freak show that the Souma keeps secret… I am worse than that ugly cat thing. I am… so ugly inside that I cannot even be considered human.
Even though humans are all wretched and disgusting creatures, none of them possess a heart darker than mine. It is full of bitterness and hatred. It thirsts for vengeance, though there is not a particular target. It longs to destroy. It wishes to rob everyone one of everything. It wants to be accommodated. It wants to be accompanied. It wishes for other hearts to feel as it does. It wants to have followers who are suffering the same if not worse… But it is fine because I am the God of the Souma family, and if I am unhappy, nobody else is entitled to that right either. Nobody deserves to be happy. They all deserve to die alone and miserable just as I will… And maybe they will start to wonder, "How did Akito feel all of his life? Did he go through this much torment? Did he hurt so much that there was not a word in all of the human languages to describe his pain?"
Now that I reflect on myself, perhaps I am quite content with dying soon. This corrupted world will never see clearer skies. The hearts of humans will never shine brilliantly. I will not find salvation here, and I will keep suffering the same cursed fate every single day of my life for as long as I live. So why not die? Why not die?
Why not just let it go and be forgotten already, Akito? Why not…?