Lady Michelle de Jarjayes' Nitty Gitty on Bathing

by jarjayes

Boredom…she was left alone in its dangerous clutches, wrapped around its finger like a satin ribbon. She got herself incredibly tangled in the curtains of silk, fighting her way to escape the fabric of death. “Unhand me, Lucifer!,” she cried.

1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: This fanfic is a senseless argument between two people who obviously hate each other's guts.  Enjoy.

Lady Michelle de Jarjayes' Nitty-Gritty on Bathing and Demonic Silk Curtains.

By: Maritza (Jarjayes) Lara

Boredom… an evil spell that should be mercilessly diced, sliced, spliced, and packed up in ice. It should be mangled, then strangled to be left to dangle from the highest branch of the tallest tree until the black birds of prey pick at its bones claiming the spoils for themselves. It should be mutilated and shoved into a drawer…never to be found once the key is thrown away, never to resurface its ugly face. Unfortunately, for every mortal doomed to fall into its clutches, it has brothers and sisters and cousins…oh, the humanity for us simpletons, of which, they bare the same name. Boredom…a legion of devils waiting to claim the souls of the least fortunate, a blackhole of infinities…oh, the horrors, the terrible nightmarish nightmares…that was Boredom.

Lady Michelle de Jarjayes, the impertinent cousin of Oscar Francois, stood close to the floor to ceiling window in her uncle's library. Boredom…she had the displeasure to be left alone in its dangerous clutches being wrapped around its diabolical finger like a satin ribbon. She was getting herself incredibly tangled in the soft curtains of silk. How such an idiotic thing could happen, could only be answered by an idiot. It did not take long before Michelle found herself fighting her way to detangle herself from the fabric of death.

"Unhand me, Lucifer!," she cried enraged, hoping that it would release her instantly. However, that was all done in vain.

Stupidity and Clumsiness had a real funny way of accompanying Boredom as Michelle struggled more with the malevolent, demon-possessed fabric. Yet, the more she struggled, the more it tangled her, and the more it tangled her the more the other curtain, the laced, determined to partake in this spinning of spider-web.

"Foul things!," she shrieked. She was losing the battle miserably. Why me!, she cried in thought. To think she was losing to two different pieces of cloth, how pitiful! God must be laughing.

"Unhand…me…LISSETTE!," she called in frantic desperation. There were tears in her eyes. "Damn you…LISSETTE!"

Pride is a valuable thing.

After being rescued by two housekeepers, one kitchen maid, Nanny, and Lisette,
they had to call on the butler and two stable-hands to cut her loose. There was no other way to detangle her. Once freed from the death-trap, Nanny went off shaking her head in disbelief. The others, well, hurried off quickly in desperate need to burst out into full-hearted laughter.

"Wait til the Mistress hears of  this," Michelle heard one of them say.

She could think of worse things than her sore wrists and aching neck, as she rubbed them repetitively while sitting on the floor. Her pride and dignity were wounded. Michelle glared with pursed lips after the servants as they left the library, two carrying off some pieces of the fabric, one after the other.

"Laugh while you can," she muttered, disdainly, behind clentched teeth. "Commoners. That's what they all are."

It was one fine afternoon.

Yet, Michelle could hear their taunting laughter echoing throughout the house. They laughed at her expense. They always laughed.

It was one fine afternoon.

She sat there pouting.

It was not long before evening came rearing its ugly face. Michelle, lying sprawled on the floor, near the window, awakened from her prolonged nap. She realized she had fallen asleep on the very same spot those mongrels left her. She had not moved since. Contrary to her delight, she also discovered that she had slobbered on herself while sleeping.

"How disgusting!," she exclaimed in shock upon discovering saliva on the carpet beneath her. Frantically, she strived to dry up the drool with her hand, until finally recurring to using the self-same criminal curtain that practically constricted the life out of her earlier before.

She rubbed hard. She even resorted to doing the unorthodox by blowing the spot dry until…she heard Oscar's unmistakable voice at the front door. Shit! She sat up, drawing back what was left of the curtain even further aside to see her cousin speaking to…

"What do we have here?"

Andre Grandier was outside exchanging words with Oscar. With the reins in his hand, he held his mare in place. Its head bobbed up and down; Andre and Oscar chuckling. The wheels in Michelle's screwed little head started to turn counterclockwise.

"They are back from Versailles. A hard day at court, I wonder."
From there, both cousin and mongrel-servant had split ways. Oscar entered the house. Andre went leading her horse and his to the stables. Michelle, covert behind the tattered curtains, observed him until he had completely disappeared behind those stable doors.

"The plot thickens," she grinned with bright eyes.

In the stables, Andre had been busy shoeing Oscar's horse for quite some time. He and Oscar had had a hard day at Versailles. Andre had to help Oscar with some royal preparations…some guests from Spain were coming to France for a business venture. Andre was just happy with being finally home to kick back and relax, if you call shoeing horses relaxing? The other stablehands were nowhere to be seen. Usually, at this time, Paul and Martin would be here helping him but according to his grandmother, they had finished up with their tasks and went down town to visit a sick friend of theirs. At least, for one part, all was quiet. Nothing or noone could bother him now.

"Good evening."

Then again, I spoke too soon.

"Haunting Jarjayes Manor again, Michelle?," Andre inquired making it obviously certain how annoyed he was with her presence. Michelle looking so innocent all of a sudden asked him:

"Do you ever bathe?"

Andre raised his eyebrows in disbelief going back to what he was doing.

"You're pestering me," he answered, half warning her.

Michelle decided to come closer, standing two feet behind him, "No, seriously. Do you ever bathe?"

Andre felt the tension mounting by every ruffle he heard moving about him. So he answered:

"Once every week."

"Do you know the Ancient Egyptians would bathe every single day?"

"What are you getting at?"

"It is a ritual they still practice."

"I doubt it."

"Why you say that?"

Andre turned his head to look at her. With sarcasm written all over his visage, he wittedly replied sneering, "They're all dead."

Stupid, Michelle thought. However, there was no way she was going to let Stable-boy get the best of her so she urged on, "Do you not often wonder why I smell pleasant?"

"You do? Gee, I never get close enough to find out."

"And I am glad that you don't. I would not want any of your fleas jumping me. Which is how the Bubonic Plague happened in the first place. You know, poor sanitation?"

"Dogs have fleas. You mean lice."

"Do not care for them, either. So maintain your distance, Puppy."

"You obviously have nothing better to do," Andre was hoping to be rid of her.

"I am here with you. That accounts for something… or maybe I'm wrong."

Merde!, he cursed within. Perhaps, it is better going for the direct approach.
"I don't have time for you."

"That is not my problem. Blame Oscar for leaving me here with you."

"In that case, bother someone else," Andre suggested, praying that she would go away.

"No, I rather bother you, if you do not mind? Besides, the other stable-hands are no fun at all."

"Well, I do mind."

"Do you not feel much cleaner after taking a bath?"

God, does she ever stop!, Andre thought.

"For the love of God, it's not yet Sunday."

"I see why you are so popular with the ladies."

"I hint a bit of sarcasm in your words."

"At least, I am not the entire week stinking like sin."

"Will you cut it out! I've never received any complaints regarding my personal hygiene, so far."

"They're so kind. I bet there isn't a man brave enough to tell you, so far. Did you know the Ancient Egyptians believed that daily cleansing of the body prevented diseases like syphyllis and gonnorhea?"

"Oh, yeah? Who in their right mind bathes everyday?"

"I do."

"Oh really?"

"Yes."

"Well, it really hasn't done you much good, then."

"Oh, really?"

"Yes, really. You still have a dirty little mouth," he threw back at her, making her boil in her own juices. But he maintained her composure pretending to be made of water.

"I see we are progressing, then."

"Progressing? More like falling behind."

"Do you know how disgusting it is to share your dirt with someone else and then, in turn, have them share their dirt with you? Considering you do not know where that dirt has been and how many times it has been exchanged."

"You're getting to be disgusting, Michelle."

"Think about it! A beautiful, clean wife or, in your case, a boyfriend."

"Hey, watch it!"

"A clean house. A clean bed. Dinner waiting. You eat. You drink. You make love."

"You're point?"

"You just came back from the fields,"

"I don't work in the fields."

"You just came back from the fields after eight hours of work."

"You know I work more than that."

"Well, I don't really give a rat's ass you're interrupting me!"

"Proceed."

"You just came back from the fields after eight hours of work. You are tired. You are hungry. You are sweaty and you smell like… like a horse. You want to make love to her on the clean bed with her clean self…but you are dirty."

"Let me guess. This is the part where I see your point?"

"Do you?"

"No. I don't have a wife waiting for me."

"Pretend I am your wife then?"

"In that case, I want a divorce."

"No can do. You think the Church will allow such an atrocity on your part?"

"You think the King will allow such an atrocity on yours?"

"What?"

"First of all, a wedding between the both of us would never take place. Don't tell me you have forgotten already?"

"I'm just trying to make a point!"

"It's a bad point."

"This is just pretend."

"Oh yes? Well, then if this is pretend and you are my pretend wife, then I still want a divorce."

"The Church won't let you."

"Then, I'll have to kill you."

"Only if you're the son of a duke, you might be able to get away with killing me."

"Then, let's pretend that I am."

"But, you're not."

"Ah-ha! But this is just pretend."

"Alright, so you're the son of a duke who has just killed me."

"No. I'm pretending to be the duke."

"You know that is impossible…to pretend…"

"If that is so, then , it's impossible for you to pretend being my wife."

"I am trying to make a point."

"So am I."

"What does this have to do with bathing?"

"Beats me! You're the one who brought it up!"

"To make a point!"

"Point, my ass! You're just bored so you decided, 'why not, let's bother poor

Andre. He's a lot of fun!"

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"I figure you wouldn't. But, it's not your fault. Society made you the way you are."

"Meaning?"

"You can't help being ignorant."

"Wait a minute! Do you think you can turn the tables on me, Andre Grandier! I will not stand you making a mockery out of me!"

"Funny, I thought I just did. But, if it'll make you feel better about yourself, I take back what I said about you being ignorant."

"That is more like it."

"You're clueless."

"Oh yes? Well, you smell like week-old horse dung!"

"Well, it IS a week old!"

"Well, at least it is not older than that because if it were we would be needing more than a heaven's prayer to exorcise that demon stench you have on you. And even after that is done, we would need a week or two more to air out all that evil."

"Not after we exorcise all the evil you have. Maybe by dunking you repetitively into holy water…?"

"You are trying to be funny but you are not."

"Chere, I don't have to try."

"Is this why you are not attached, yet? You know, Pierre does have a cousin that…"

"My reasons for not being attached is entirely none of your business!"

"So you're gay?"

"My Lady Michelle, you are losing this round miserably. Try something wittier than that."

"Shameless banter is my source of wit."

"That's it? Sit down before you hurt yourself."

"I would tell you the same but for what I see you are already sitting. Besides, I have more chances of stepping into something messy than I have of hurting myself."

"If that's the case, watch out where you step. You might just slip and hurt yourself."

"You are so sarcastic."

"Just collecting more dirt for the soul, Madame."

"Oscar has taught you well, little Grasshopper."

"What?"

"Let us be one with the dirt."

"Lay off the dirt."

"I cannot since I walk on it."

"Then again, I think I acquired my sarcasm from you."

"Excuse me, what was that?"

"No wit, indeed."

"I have more wit in my skin than you have sense in your pockets."

"Is this argument suppose to get anywhere? I do have chores to finish."

"I do not know. It depends entirely on whether you bathe or not? Well, do you?"

"I've already answered your question, SHELLY!"

"I did not like the sound of that. Shelly, is soft like a whisper. You said it with a lot of hate in those syllables."

"GO A-WAAAAAAY!"

"Oscar must be a filthy little piglet herself for not noticing her right-hand smelling like the rear-end of a horse."

"And Oscar must be a masoquist for allowing her more that spoiled rotten brat cousin prance on over here like the princess that she's not when she, in reality, have no intentions whatsoever to tend to her like she should. Instead, I am left with the dishonorable torture of dealing with the little pain in the ass, myself. So, how do you like THEM apples!"

"Dishonorable torture…me?"

"That's what I said. Don't tell me you're hard at hearing?"

"You know, if you bathed more often, you would probably rid yourself of those bothersome lice since apparently they are the cause of your grumpiness?"

"Know what?"

"What?"

"I'm going to ignore you."

"Okay."

Andre continues shoeing Oscar's horse as Michelle observed him quietly from behind. He thought, so far, so good.

So far…it's TOO quiet, Andre realized.

"Aren't you going t say something?"
"what? You speak to me? I thought you have decided to ignore me? Missed me already?"

"Well, how can I ignore you if you're standing right in back of me?!"

"Like a bothersome child, you think?"

"Like a cow with a hernia."

"Oh, that is new. I have never been described like a hernia before."

"Believe me, there's a first for everything."

"Like me asking you whether you bathe or not?"

"Tell me, do you bathe?"

"I just told you I bathe everyday."

"Why?"

"For the same reason you insist not to bathe."

"Which is?"

"I like it!"

"You're one weird little imp of a girl."

"And you are one dirty mongrel of a man…I mean, boy…no, no…I mean mongrel."

"I told you before and I'm not saying it again…Go A-WAY!"

"Or else what?"

"You dare challenge me?"

"Let me see. My house, my rules."

"This isn't even your house!"

"I still make the rules."

"I don't see you winning."

"I think I'll be taking a nice, refreshing, soul-cleansing bath in a little while before eating Nana's delicious veal."

"Again with the bath!"

"At least, Oscar is a little cleaner. She bathes twice a week. Three times if there is a special occasion. Uncle? I do not dare say."

"Since when did bathing everyday become such an important concern to you?"

"Since visiting Cairo three years back. It is hot over there, if you did not know?"

"Cairo's different."

"You can still get sick here."

"You can get sick whether you bathe or not."

"True, but if you do not bathe, you die quicker."

"Who'd want to live that long, anyway?"

"I do, although, I'm not surprised you disvalue your own life."

"What do you care?"

"I don't."

"I've made my case."

"Yet, who would we have to serve us once you are gone?"

"Perhaps, the Devil?"

"Oh no, he will be taking you away."

"Not after he mortgages your soul for insurance."

"Which is another reason to bathe."

"Drop it!"

"Why?"

"Why? Why?! This conversation is irrelevant! That's why!"

"Not if it makes you angry. Which, frankly, I am tickled."

"I'm leaving," he declared.

"Already? But I have not even started."

"Well, that's a shame."

"I guess you want me to leave?"

"No, you can stay. I'll be the one leaving"

"Are you yet not finished with your chores?"

"DOES IT REALLY MAAAAAATTER!"

"You said you had a lot of chores to do. It would be dreadfully tragic if Oscar sees you not finishing your work."

"It'd be dreadfully tragic if I tell her WHY!"

"Stop yelling, I'm not deaf. Anyway, do not blame me for not getting your work done. From the moment I walked in, if you would have ignored me in the first place, the vein in the middle of your forehead would not be pulsating now. Now, tell me who's the moron, now?"

"You distracted me with your impetuous questions!"

"Stupid is as stupid does and I'm looking at Stupid. A person in his right mind would not have continued with this senseless badgering. And from where I am standing, you were the idiot who fell for this insane nonsense."

"I am the idiot?"

"Yes, you are. I am glad you have acknowledged that fact."

"I'm leaving. I've overstayed my welcome."

"Do not let the gate hit you on the way out."

Oscar- "Andre, where are you going in such a hurry?"

"I'm going to take a bath. All of a sudden, I feel so self- conscience."

"But it's not even Sunday?"

"Sunday, Schmunday! I feel sordid and in great need to liberate my soul."

"That's what we have church for. Well, if you feel strongly about it, then carry on."

"Thank you."

"Andre?"

"Yeah."

"Try not to be late for dinner. Nanna made veal."
Andre smiled, then took off.

"Try not to be late for dinner. Nana made veal. I hope he is late. It will give him enough time to wash behind his ears and other hard to reach places."

"I figured you had something to do with this, Cousin."

"Moi?!"

"Yes, toi."

"Well, I did not do anything. I just merely pointed out the truth to him. That's all, Oscar."

"I am led to believe you more like splattered it across his face."

"No, his back was turned to me."

"I will be taking my bath, now, Oscar. I have the sudden URGE to liberate my soul."

"You just took one this morning."

"Yes, well, I smell like a horse's ass right now. Unlike you, who masquerades her demons with layers of scented oils and perfumes. I prefer smelling fresh like a meadow."

"do you think it is healthy to wash yourself everyday, Michelle?"

"Do you think it healthy layers and layers of oils sticking like mildew to you skin, Oscar? By now, I think, you'd be in need of a chisel in place of a soap bar to set your body free before even considering using that soap bar in the first place."

"Liberate yourself of your sins, Michelle. Dinner will be in an hour. I suggest you get started. Father will be awfully upset if anyone were to arrive late to the table."

"Ay, ay, commander Osky!" she saluted with sarcasm.

"Honestly, you are a real piece of work, Leonardo could not have done better."

"Why, thank you!"

"It is not a compliment."

"Yes, I know, dear."

"I will see you in an hour, then?"

"Do I not wear Italian imports?"Michelle grinned, strolling off strutting like a peacock.

"Oh, Michelle?"

"Yes?"

"What is it that I hear about you getting trapped in some curtains?"
Suddenly, Michelle de Jarjayes felt her entire world crumble down on her.