Captain Effing Nemo?
Chapter 1: Your Crew Thanks for Flying with Syndicate Airways.
'UUUUUGGGHHH!' My Head! How many crates of Whiskey did we polish off last night?' I thought as I returned to both the waking world and the familiar feeling of a rugby player trying to punt my forehead down field from the inside.
I opened my eyes to find the red lights were mercifully dimmed… 'Wait! Red lights?'
I focused my vision and started looking around; wincing as my brain suddenly registered the roar of what could only be Jet engines, making the pounding in my head intensify.
Another glance around revealed several large bottles of mineral water and a flask, I instantly reached over, grabbed the cup off the flask and poured myself the first of several drinks I'd need to make my hangover bearable. After I get my hangover under control, I notice that I'm wearing a fairly stylish suit, I have a hip holster holding a colt m1911 and there appear to be three people tied up in the back of a pickup, then I notice several other guards around and on catwalks, some checking cargo several watching the prisoners. Ten minutes after I wake up, one of the guards approaches and tells me to stand watch outside Mr Loren's cabin, I also notice that I'm wearing a plain shirt and black tie will my male counterparts wear a red or pink shirt and yellow or pink tie. As I rise to leave, I check the area around me again and find a G-36c-like assault rifle with a tac-vest holding over a dozen magazines for both the rifle and my pistol, after putting it on under my blazer, I have a look at the prisoners.
The bottom seemed to drop out of my stomach as I take in their faces; I've been getting a sense of Déjà vu since I woke up, now I know why… they're the effing brass of the Third Street Saints. Johnny Gat, Shaundi and a beautiful woman with dark red hair and a 'Miranda Lawson' body I can only assume is the 'Boss'.
As I head to my post I can only think of how screwed I am to be in the world of a video game, even one as cool as Saints Row the Third, because I know those three will get loose and I'm working for the Wrong Bloody Side!
After an hour the intercom next to my head goes off, "Mr Loren?"
"Would you kindly bring our guests up for our meeting?" I must admit, if I didn't know he was as bad as a Mafia Don I'd think Loren was a respectable if ruthless businessmen.
"Of course Mr Loren, I will return with your guests shortly," I reply, releasing the button and looking to the other guard, who gestures that he'll be fine. As I walk towards the cargo hold, I silently complain about being the only brit in a European gang.
When I open the hatch, I find several of the catwalk guards clustered together and quickly laughing at something below, leaning over the railing to see three guards unsuccessfully trying to wake the Saints up.
"Back to your posts, what are you, Luchadores?" I bark to the catwalk guards, "Mr Loren would like to see his guests, preferably now," I call out as I descend.
"Zey are proving difficult to wake," the nearest guard says, looking unhappy at my timing.
"Get a bucket," I head to the crates where I left the water bottles as the man heads off and collect three bottles including the one I opened, I return to the cars just as the French or French-Canadian guard returns with a steel bucket.
The three bottles fill the bucket and I have it passed to a guard above the bed of the pickup, after I take position at the end of the flatbed, I nod to the guard.
I can't help wincing as two high screams reverberate off the metal hull accompanied by some very colourful swearing, including a few I make a note of.
After a few moments a pair of beautiful, violet eyes settle on me, followed by a pair of angry green eyes then finally a barely visible brown pair.
She ducks what looks like a bolt of plasma, glancing round she spots a soldier in strange pale combat armour firing a weird white rifle at me, the weapon being the source of the plasma bolts flying around, she raises her K8 but the soldier's cut down by someone behind and to the right of her.
She stops and stares as a HUGE man in a white suit wearing a Saints Purple shirt barrels past and Physically upends a fully loaded HUMVEE , two more unfamiliar men in Saints purple. One in a wrestling uniform and a purple and yellow mask, the other was wearing angular body armour over purple fatigues.
The latter looks at her and for a moment and she loses herself in his deep sapphire eyes…
"AAAAAAIIIIIEEEE!" Cold, Wet… 'What the Fuck!' she couldn't help but scream in shock herself as the water lands on her stomach and chest.
"Wha… who… Who are you? Where are we? And Why did you throw freezing water on us?"
'That's Shaundi,' she thinks, taking note that both her and Shaundi were soaked from the stomach up, then her eyes widened in shock as one of the men from her dream is standing in front of her. Looking first into her eyes, then Shaundi's, ignoring her glare, then Gat's. Her respect for the man goes up slightly as his eyes stay level with theirs and doesn't drop to either set of wet breasts.
I ignore the urge to drop my eyes to either set of wet breasts or erect nipples in clingy tops, "My sincerest apologies for the rude awakening, but your appointment with our employer is nearly upon us and we were having difficulty awakening you."
"And what makes you think we'd like to see him?" God, Gat was even more antagonistic in real life.
"The fact he bailed you out of prison when you robbed the one bank in Stillwater the Police wouldn't ignore a raid on, at the very least it would be common courtesy to meet with him and hear him out," I reply pleasantly.
"And what makes you or him think we care about what he as to say?" Was Shaundi really such a bitch before Gat bought it?
"Nothing at all, you don't need to agree or listen to him, this is a free country as you Americans like to say, you have nothing to lose from just listening, and once you have you can easily turn Mr Loren down. I would not call it the wisest option but it is an option," I reply again, keeping my voice pleasant, though that seems to be irritating her.
"We'll see him, but we reserve the right to refuse any offer," the Boss says.
"You'll have to take that up with Mr Loren," I answer, helping her off the truck, Shaundi grudgingly allowing me to help her and Gat just hopping out on his own, even knowing he'll get free it's terrifying knowing how much freedom of movement he has.
"Suive-Moi," I say, and start to walk away but stop when I realise they're just staring at me, "follow me," I repeat, rolling my eyes as I walk on.
"Why couldn't he just say that," Shaundi grumbles.
"I did, despite this diversity of this country's population, the cultural ignorance of the average American is astonishing," I retort, earning a glare from all three.
After a few moments, I'm back at the cabin door with the Saints and several guards behind me, "Mr Loren, your guests are ready for their appointment," I say into the microphone as I press the buzzer.
"Bring zem in," I put my hand on the door handle and open the door, stepping through and holding it for our guests and two of the guards. Once the Saints are through they're led to three swivel chairs bolted to the deck and locked in.
"Hey, What is this?" the Boss exclaims.
"A precaution," Loren replies as the DeWynter sisters take position either side of him and he turns to face them.
I zone out as the meeting progresses, memories flash briefly in front of my eyes, mine yet not mine, most more or less match those of my real life but in universe, except for a few involving fights with the Brotherhood near my old school and a truly terrifying close encounter with an Ultor Masako after Shaundi three years earlier.
I rub the scar on my shoulder as my concentration returns to the meeting, catching the eye of the Boss though I didn't see it.
"So make yourself a Fucking Waffle, we're done here," Gat retorted aggressively.
Loren shook his head, "and I so hoped to come to a rational business arrangement," he then signalled the man to my right, who drew a .45 Shepard and stepped in front of Gat, I tensed and brought my rifle tight to my shoulder in anticipation.
As then pistol comes up, Gat wrenches the chair out of the deck and head-butts the guy in the gut, sending them both down but freeing Gat's arms.
Gat rises and turns to Loren, but Loren is faster, sinking a K-bar into Gat's gut, Gat forces Loren back and slams his head into a window, shattering it and depressurising the cabin.
I duck down behind a seat near the door and watch as Gat turns back to the guard and finishes him, before drawing the knife from his gut and throwing it between the eyes of the only other guard.
The Dewynters evacuate Loren as Gat frees the Boss and Shaundi; I stay down to avoid being seen.
"Boss, you gotta bail," Gat shouts over the noise from the window.
"No, We all go together or not at all," she refuses, but the three are sent scrambling for cover by three guards entering with SMGs blazing.
The three take cover behind a partition in front of the door, Gat glances around it, "there's what, half a dozen guys? I can take 'em."
"What about the plane?" Shaundi asks.
"I'll fly it back to Stillwater," Gat replies as if it was obvious.
"Johnny, you can't drive stick, how the Fuck are you going to fly a plane?" Shaundi deadpans.
"Details, details," Gat says dismissively.
I make up my mind and step out of cover, drawing the Saints attention, but instead I fire towards the cockpit, killing one of my former colleagues and sending the other two diving away from the incoming rifle fire.
"She's running on fumes," I shout to them, drawing surprised and suspicious looks, "You'd have half an hour, maybe an hour tops before the engines flame out, you won't make it." I silently pray my bluff works as I draw my colt and slid it to the boss, who looked at me in surprise as she took it.
As I fire again I remember something I saw in the hold, "there's a Bulldog in a parachute rig, if we open the hold doors we can use it to escape."
"Who says you're coming with us?" Does she really have to be such a bitch?
"Well, unlike you, I have a pretty good idea what will happen once you hit the dirt and a decent idea of what Loren has to throw at you," I retort.
"Shaundi enough, he's coming with us," the Boss interrupts, "All of us," she adds to Gat.
"Get moving then," I bark, Shaundi's the first through the door, followed by Gat, the boss though waits by the door firing at the guard who looks around the corner, I take the hint and head through, but not before breaking off the door handle on this side. The Boss follows me through, slamming the door and then breaking off the handle on the other side.
We turn to find Gat and Shaundi grappling with two guards, another two enter from the hold and aim .45 Shepards at Gat and Shaundi, I aim and fire my rifle just as the Boss fires, dropping both with two bullets each.
"Thanks," Shaundi says, slightly breathless from fighting the guard.
"You know there'll be more," Gat argues as he picks up a Shepard, I pick up the other and hold it out to Shaundi.
"He's right, it isn't over yet," I say as she takes the pistol, I then walk to the door to the hold.
"So this parachute thing… It'll work, right?" Shaundi asks tentatively.
"Once we rig it, if it leaves the plane without the static lines for the three chutes hooked, we'll just drop…" I start to explain.
"Just fucking great!" Shaundi exclaims.
"Shaundi!" Boss scolds.
"Yeah, shhh!" Gat adds sarcastically.
"Once the static lines are hooked, we open the hold doors and jettison the cargo behind the rig, we then set the rig going and climb in," I finished, slamming the door into a guard waiting on the other side and fire a burst through the door into them.
I rushed through and rugby tackled the guard waiting on the other side of the door, unknowingly saving my life as the catwalk guards I'd yelled at fired into the doorway at chest and head height.
"Fuck!"
"Fuck you bitches!" Gat rushes out firing as I roll off the guard and crouch run down the stairs, the Boss and Shaundi run out firing as the guards shift fire to me and Gat.
I lean out from behind a crate to fire but after two shots the bolt comes down on an empty chamber, "Fuck!" I curse as a bullet grazes my shoulder as I duck back.
"You ok?" Boss asks as I clumsily reload.
"It's just a flesh wound, don't worry," Gat replies after glancing at my shoulder, missing my glare as a guard gets too close and has their SMG yanked from their hands and reversed on them.
"You'd call it a flesh wound if you were gut shot by an RPG," I retort, peeking out and looking for a target.
"Point," Gat replies as he drops two guards with a burst from his Z-10, "move up," he adds, vaulting the crates.
Around the next bend is the Bulldog in its rig.
"Alright, me and Gat will finish the guards and open the doors, you two stay here…"
"What makes you think we'll just sit here while you're off playing soldier?" Shaundi replies confrontationally.
"Cause we got bigger guns," Gat replies, hefting his Z-10 in emphasis, making Shaundi glance at her Shepard.
"That and I trust you not to screw up checking the rig more than him," I admit, it isn't much anyway but Shaundi's got an eye for detail, "or would you rather he did a half arsed job?"
Shaundi doesn't reply and instead starts inspecting the rig, Boss shakes her head in amusement and smiles at me, as she does my stomach feels like it's doing a backflip.
"Come on, there can't be many left," I say to Gat, nudging him on.
The next two blocks of crates were clear, but as we reached the ramp four guards fired from behind them, two on the catwalk and two on the stairs, I fired and dropped the two on the stairs but took another two bullets to my right shoulder, one again grazing the other going straight through, luckily missing both bone and artery. Gat easily dropped the two on the catwalk.
As I inspected my shoulder, Gat went to control panel next to the intercom. There's a blast of air as the outer hatch opens and de-pressurises the hold, then the ramp starts to fall. As the ramp lowers, both me and Gat walk onto it and peer out, holding onto piping and handholds on the wall.
"I don't recognise the city," Gat shouts to me.
"Steelport, Loren's base of operations, we need to drop while we're still over land," I shout back.
We then head back inside and to the first cargo pallet, we pull the pins locking it to the floor and push, it moves slowly at first but quickly starts sliding, we watch until it hits the edge of the ramp and turn away as it slides out of the plane.
The next two pallets are no problem despite my agony, but shortly after Shaundi discovers the parachute rig is on rails me and Gat approach the first of four cars that has to be jettisoned.
"Think we should jack the radio first? Might make us some quick money on the ground," I ask Gat.
"We could, don't really need to, but it'd be good getting back to basics," Gat replied contemplatively.
"You check out the cars, I'll find a crowbar and toolkit," I reply, turning around and heading toward the small tool locker.
"Hey, you're supposed to be clearing the way for us to leave," Shaundi says accusingly.
"I just thought it would be a good idea to make sure we have some money once we land," I reply evenly.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Loren has several hackers capable of breaching the Pentagon mainframes in the Syndicate, our bank accounts are peanuts to them so we need a way to make hard cash fast, ergo, nicking the stereos to sell once we hit ground," I explain, tossing a crowbar to Johnny and giving another to Shaundi, "You crack the ones behind the rig." I returned to Gat as Shaundi stared at me then went to the nearest car forward of the rig. Ten minutes later, there were nine expensive car stereos in the Bulldog's boot.
The second Criminal weaves slightly as it accelerates down the ramp but falls without incident, with it and the preceding Criminal, Infuego and Kayak, we're clear to leave.
I hook the static lines securely to the deck near the stairway as Gat and Boss move the rig to the edge of the ramp.
"Ok, I'm set," I tell them after making sure the parachutes are primed and the static line connected to the parachutes.
"OK, Shaundi, I want you in the driver's seat," Boss said, taking position at the rear right door opposite me.
"Got it," Shaundi replies, stepping up and giving me a look as she got ready.
"Hold up, why's she driving?"
"It's a manual and you admitted earlier you can't drive manual," I retort.
"Manual?"
"British word for stick drive, Johnny," Shaundi explains, rolling her eyes.
"We going to move or wait for this flying boxcar to come out of a holding pattern?"
"Go!" at the Boss' shout we all pushed hard, sending the rig over the edge of the hull and down onto the ramp, Shaundi climbed up almost immediately, followed a few steps later by Boss, I then followed Boss with Gat waiting until the last second.
The rig dropped at a roughly 45 degree angle until fifty feet down there was a sharp jerk that pitched the nose down, I was sent up and forward then brought down by my seatbelt, then there was a massive jerk as the parachutes caught, the change from rapid to controlled descent forced us all into our seats but my head came down on the headrest sending a lance of pain through my neck.
"Oh My God! I can't believe that worked!" Shaundi exclaims as the adrenaline rush died down.
"Heh, only thing better would be driving a tank off the ramp," Gat adds, having clearly enjoyed the thrill.
"Thanks, you did a good job… You ok?" Boss says, looking at me, concern entering her voice as she sees my expression, the tears filling my shut eyes and the way I'm clutching my neck.
"Fucking Whiplash!" I manage to mutter.
"OK, let me look at it," I lower my hand and it takes all of my self-control not to flinch violently as her soft fingers gently probe my neck.
"Doesn't seem too serious, you'll to get an ice pack on it soon, but the worst of the pain should fade in the next few hours," Boss says finally, settling back into her seat.
"So, when do we kill Loren?"
I shake my head as much as my neck allows, apparently Gat really is that single minded, "Killing Loren won't happen anytime soon, we've got to survive the Syndicate response first."
"What will they throw at us?"
Loren adjusts the eye patch Kiki found for him as she lights a cigarette for him and Viola removes a guards body from his chair, sitting down once the body was gone and activating the screen from a console in the arm for a video conference.
"Gentlemen, negotiations were… less than successful. Viola and Kiki will spread ze word, Steelport belongs to the Syndicate and ze Saints are Not welcome."
He looks to a very young man in a black jacket with neon blue highlights, "Mr Miller, hack into ze Saints' accounts, leave zem nothing."
He then looks to a large, muscular man in a green suit wearing a black and green jewelled wrestling mask, "Mr Killbane, gazer your Luchadores, bring me zer leaders' head and zat of ze traitor."