A/N: Okay, is it just me, or does anyone else get weird shippy vibes from Artie/MacPherson and Artie/Claudia? I know I shouldn't! I know Artie/Claudia is wrong…Artie needs to be younger or Claudia needs to be older, but I just can't stop myself. And even though they keep saying that Artie and MacPherson were in love with the same woman, I still found myself thinking they were lovers instead of just partners in their past and even after it was revealed that they weren't lovers, I still get shippy vibes from them. And I usually don't ship non-canon slash, but I can't help it! Nor do I usually ship really old/really young pairings. (With the exceptions of Patty/Sam, Piper/Leo, Phoebe/Cole, and Paige/Drake on Charmed and that's basically because they look the same age even though all the guys are like a 100+ years older…) But anyway, this fic deals with only one of these crazy pairings, not both, so if there is someone out there who actually reads and enjoys this fic because they're as torn and twisted as I am about this ship, then here's to you! By the way, this takes place after "Age Before Beauty," with the difference that the last scene with Artie, Claudia, and Todd at the diner never happened and Claudia is still upset about how her date with Todd went. And FYI, this is my first Warehouse 13 fanfic, so I don't know if it's going to seem off or not. We'll see.

A Woman

Artie slunk down the hallway towards Claudia's room, feeling dread shifting in the pit of his stomach like an ACME anvil. As much as he wanted to avoid the awkward confrontation, he knew he needed to do it, otherwise he'd never get the guilt off his chest. It was his fault, after all, that her date with Todd had turned out so raw.

For three days straight Claudia had been booked up in her room, only coming out to fulfill her obligatory tech duties, before returning dejectedly. Myka and Pete had been asking about her between artifact missions - which Artie had tried to schedule at long distances to avoid such answers - and even Leena was beginning to ask questions.

"Claudia?" Artie rapped his knuckles to her bedroom door and waited. By the time his watch had racked up three minutes, he knocked again, this time with more force. "Claudia!" he tried again. "There's no use in ignoring me, I know you're in there, you've been in there all week! Come on, open up, it's Artie!"

Another three minutes elapsed as Artie stared at his watch and just when he thought he was getting nowhere, the door cracked open to reveal Claudia poking out her red head with a scowl. "Like I didn't get that it was you from the start," she grumbled.

"Come on, now, Claud…" He pushed his hand to the door above her head until it opened enough for him to squeeze in. "You can't just mope around because of a boy."

"Isn't that what normal teenagers are supposed to do?"

"You're not a normal teenager, as you always remind me."

Claudia glared and kicked the door shut. "So what? You came to tell me I should book another disaster with Todd?"

"No, of course not. If he can't accept you for your privacy and love of onions, then he doesn't deserve you anyway."

"First you tell me I'm a woman and now you're telling me who does and doesn't deserve me? What's up with you, Pops?"

Artie crinkled his nose. "Oh! Don't call me that. That's…ewe."

"Well it's only ewe if…" Claudia trailed off, catching her reflection in the antique floor length mirror against the wall. She moved around her bed to stand to Artie's left and began to examine herself from red head to electric blue toe.

"If what?" Artie pressed. He began to nervously shove his pudgy fingers through his thinning curls of dark hair. "And why are you staring at yourself like that? You never do that."

"How would you know?" She suddenly looked up, down, then rotated her head as far as she could on her shoulders in both directions without having to physically turn around. "Ya got hidden cameras in here or something'?"

"What? No! I just-" he stumbled and sputtered over a few intelligible words "-I just…I don't know." He threw up his hands in frustration. "You know what? Never mind! I just thought I could come help. I'm sorry I screwed things up between you and Todd, I really am…I guess I don't know you as well as I thought." In a rush, he stood and began to beeline for the door until he felt a pair of thin hands wrap around his left arm and tug him off balance, causing him to land backwards on Claudia's bed. Flustered, he began to dust himself off. "What was that for!"

"Can I ask you a question?" she squeaked, her voice small and invisible, completely un-Claudia-like in every way.

"Uh," Artie murmured off guard. "Yeah, okay," he agreed, temporarily forgetting his annoyance at being tossed onto her mattress.

"You…" Claudia looked down as a pink rush came into her cheeks, violently clashing with her hot red hair. "…really think I look like a woman?"

"Wha - I - uhm - err…" Artie fumbled and began to nervously massage his hands together, trying not to look the teenager in the face. "I never said you 'looked like a woman,' I said you were a woman."

"What's the difference?"

"Aren't you the genius?"

Claudia scowled. "Okay, so I still look like a kid but I'm age appropriate?"

"That's not what I meant!"

"Then what did you mean?"

"I - I think you know."

"No," Claudia corrected. She adjusted her hands on her rounded hips. "Actually, Artie, I don't. Please: clarify."

"I just meant that you're, you know, an amazingly talented young woman - who is, yes, age appropriate - and quirky and funny and witty and brilliant and beautiful and-"

"Beautiful?"

"Well…" Artie suddenly began to examine the weaves of her bedspread.

"Artie!" Claudia demanded.

"Yeah, of course."

"Me with my crazy unnatural red and outdated bob and color changing streak?" She pinched her currently navy blue streak of hair between her fingers for emphasis. "Me with my little pug face and anorexic skinny body and Doctor Who converses?"

"One, you don't have a pug's face. It's more of an-an oval shape, like an Easter egg, and two, don't you ever call yourself anorexic again! You have a lovely figure and you're an exceptional young woman, Claudia Donovan, and you should be proud…and for the record, I like the Doctor Who converses."

"You actually know who that is?" Claudia quipped with a renewed grin.

"Of course I know who Who is! That show's been around since nineteen-sixty-three! When they rebooted the program," he shrugged, "I figured I might as well check it out and see if it had anything on the original."

"Did it?"

"Well I've got to admit, I'm not exactly a fan of Chris Eccelston, but Tennant's pretty good."

"Yeah?" Claudia mused. "And what did you think of Rose Tyler?"

"Oh," Artie shook his head with a whip of disgust. "No. No, no, no, let's not even go there, shall we? She was far too immature. I don't know what The Doctor ever could've seen in her! And the way she treated Mickey was just dreadful."

"So you didn't like the whole teenage romance dynamic with an older man?" Claudia asked for clarification.

"It wasn't that, it was just Rose's immaturity that made it unwatchable for me. I'll just say this: I wasn't shedding a tear when 'Doomsday' aired." He seemed oblivious as Claudia edged closer to the bed as he spoke, then finally plopped down next to him. "I'm more of a Doctor/River shipper myself," he admitted. "She's pretty brilliant; his complete equal, even if she's not a Time Lady and thousands of years younger than him."

"Hmm." Claudia breathed between her closed lips. "I like River Song too. You're right, she does match The Doctor at everything and I like him because he's a genius, so I guess that means I like her for the same reason. That, and she's a ginger."

"That she is," Artie nodded a little over enthusiastically.

"You like gingers?"

"They stand out in a crowd," Artie nodded. Then as he remembered who he was talking to, he instinctively bounded off the bed. "I mean - not that I - I didn't mean-" He slapped his hands to his face. "I'm sorry, Claudia! Every time I try to talk with you, it all comes out wrong."

"It didn't turn out that bad this time," Claudia spoke. She rose from her seat on the edge of the bed and walked over to him. "To be honest, I was trying to edge the conversation in this direction."

"Excuse me?"

"Artie-"

Artie began to scoot backwards until he bumped into the door and then began to fumble for the handle, all the while keeping his eyes on Claudia as if she'd try to jump him. "No offense, Claudia, but I'm feeling really uncomfortable right now and-"

"Deal with it, dude." She replied simply, before smacking his hand away from the door handle. "That's how I felt on my disaster, remember? Three days locked up in here like that and you had to go and remind me."

"But-"

"You're right, Artie. I am a woman. I'm nineteen and I'm a woman. And you know what else?" When he shook his head, she could barely contain her snarky grin. "I've got a crush on My Doctor."

"I'm not a doctor," he automatically replied.

"You know what I mean," she replied, throwing his own words back at him. "But guess what? I'm not a Rose and I don't have a Mickey…all I have is you. And Pete and Myka, who have each other. And I like to think of myself more as a River Song, if you will."

"Are you trying to tell me that-"

"Dude!" Claudia interrupted with an open jaw. "This is what I'm trying to tell you!"

Artie ducked out of the way as Claudia leaned in towards him and squeezed out around her, so that he was standing behind her. "Claudia," he said with a firm shake of his head, "I'm over forty years older than you are!"

"So?" she echoed. "The Doctor's thousands of years older than Rose or Martha or Reinette or River or-"

"That's fiction."

"And H.G. Wells was waaaaaay older than MacPherson or Pete," she replied stubbornly.

"She was also playing them to get her confiscated possessions."

"Isn't age just a number?" she asked rhetorically.

"Claudia," he spoke dejectedly. "It's not that I'm not flattered, it's just…it feels wrong to me, somehow."

"Look at history, Artie! Guys were always marrying girls significantly younger than them. Look at Henry VIII. Julius Caesar and Cleopatra!" With a snort she added as an after thought, "Anna Nicole and J. Howard Smith."

"Yeah and look how they all ended up! All of Henry VIII's wives…in fact, we've got Anne Bolyen's-"

"Shut up!" Claudia pressed her hand to Artie's lips. "Just shut up, will you? Look…I know it's unconventional, but after the three days I've spent in here thinking about it, I don't think it's wrong. And I don't know why you do! It's not like we're related. I'm not your daughter or your mother or your sister. And it's not like I'm a child, as you have already pointed out. I'm a woman and this is what I want: you're what I want, Artie."

"Why?" he questioned automatically. "I'm old and fat and crabby as you're always reminding me. I criticize easily and I'm always punishing you."

"Because you care. And nobody's ever really cared about me before. There's Joshua of course, but he's my brother, and he cares for me differently than you do."

"And what if I care for you as a father?"

"If that's how you cared for me," she smirked, "then you wouldn't be telling me I'm a woman, and you certainly would be trying to scare Todd off, not push me towards him."

"And if I was jealous, shouldn't I also be trying to push him away?"

Claudia rolled her eyes. "You're not jealous," she sighed. "You were trying to make me happy. Call me psycho, but I think that's the best kind of love."

"Love." Artie echoed. "Claudia," he began to shake his head again.

"Hear me out!" she begged. "I - I've had a crush on your mind for a long time now, Artie. I've had a crush on your intelligence and your skill and the way you look out for the people who work with you. I just never realized that maybe we were possible until now."

"It's still wrong, Claudia!"

"When am I ever wrong?"

"Well-"

Claudia held up her finger. "Don't answer that!" She folded her arms defiantly. "Just - just give the idea a chance for one minute, okay? Please?"

"Claud," he groaned.

Claudia inched up to him as he stared at the floor. She could tell he was trying to let her down easy, but she was having none of it. Before he could duck or squirm or get away from her again, she pressed both of her hands to the sides of his face and quickly pressed her lipstick red lips to his.

Artie struggled against her for a moment, before relaxing into the kiss and even returning seconds before she ended it. He didn't open his eyes to look at her when he felt her hands leave his face. "I feel really awkward," he said. "This just rings very inappropriate professor/student to me."

"I may be a student, but I'm old enough to make my own choices," she spoke sternly. "I may be Rose's age, but I'm River all over."

Artie opened his eyes with a little smile. "But if you ever call me 'Sweetie,' you're out of The Warehouse!"

Claudia jumped up. "You're serious!" she gasped.

Artie held out his arm in an old fashion gentlemanly manner. "We can see how this goes," he agreed. "I still can't believe I'm agreeing to this," he muttered with a shake of his head.

"And where are we going?" she asked, looping her arm into his.

"I know this great little place around the corner that has the best Philly Cheeseteaks…extra onions!"

Claudia squealed and pressed another kiss to Artie's cheek, making him turn red which she laughed at. "You're the best!" She pointed to the door and opened her mouth.

"Allons-y!"

"Hey!" Claudia grumbled. "I was gonna say that!"

"That's The Doctor's line, Companion."

"I'll 'Companion' you," Claudia playfully glared. As Artie opened the door for them, a twinkle blew across her eyes. "Hey," she said conspiratorially, "I just got a brilliant idea!"

"Oh no…" he groaned.

"I bet I could make a real sonic screwdriver!"

"Don't you dare!"

Claudia broke free of his arm. "Dare you to catch me first!" she grinned, before taking off down the hallway.

"Claudia. Claudia!" Artie slapped his hands to his face. "Oh, what have I gotten myself into?" He drug his hands down and stared at them, seeing the red lipstick from where Claudia had kissed him. Annoyed, he began to rub his hand on his jeans, then he started to rub his cheek and his lips with his sleeve, hoping to get all the lipstick off. "What have I gotten myself into? A woman…oh boy!"