It's completely on crack, just another piece for a contest winner that my friend Cara made me do. Notice I did it anyway. I'm a bit fond of it in a twerpy little brother sort of way.

And I feel sorry for anyone with me on Author Alert because I'm posting in a wide range of fandoms and genres these next few weeks. You're going to think I'm a freaking multiple-personality disorder, the stuff's so varied. Sorry in advance, but hopefully some of it will suit your tastes.

The Snogging Bet


"Potter! Detention. And twenty points from Gryffindor."

Albus turned in his seat along with the rest of the 4th year DADA class to stare at where Assistant Headmaster Snape stood, fuming, in the doorway. Albus swallowed. In the long standoff that followed, Scorpius leaned in close to Albus and ghost-whispered, "What did you do? And why deduct points from Gryffindor?"

The blonde glanced down and Albus followed his gaze to the Slytherin badge on their chests. Leaning just a tad closer, he whispered back, "Father means Da, not me." He looked up, and sure enough, the High Potion Master's glare was going right over his head and straight to the front of the room, where Professor Potter stared back with large deer eyes. Albus bit back a groan at the sight. That innocent look could have been seen through by a 1st year Hufflepuff, and the man was trying it on Severus Snape. Albus had known not to pull that kind of stunt with his Father since he was four.

Albus watched his Head of House cross his arms. We were not amused. As one, the Slytherins slumped low in their seats, and half the Ravenclaws had enough self-preservation to copy them. The rest gawked, curious, and Albus just hoped the fools came out of this with their heads still attached. His Da was a dead man walking of course, whatever it was that he did this time, but it would be nice not to lose an eighth of his year mates in one go.

"A talk, now," Severus growled.

Some of the students looked hopeful as their professor glanced at his watch, considering. "Class dismissed, then," he said, and right after the first muffled cry for joy, he added, "but for the next class turn in 12 inches analyzing a famous wizard's duel of your choice—from before 1950, thank you, or you'll find yourself trying to reenact it with me. You won't be playing as the winning side." There were a couple of gulps, and Harry smiled at them. "Ta, then."

He was still three feet from the door when Severus reached out with a long arm and dragged him the rest of the way. The door slammed, and Albus winced. That was never good. Ever.

"They've gone off to snog," a voice murmured in his ear.

Albus whipped around to stare at Scorpius. "Are you mad?"

The boy nodded sharply. "Bet you six sickles."

"You're daft. Absolutely nutters, you know that? Deal."

And suddenly his bookbag was shoved into his arms and his housemate was pushing him out the door. "What are you doing?"

"We're going to spy on them."

"You are mad," Albus said and dug his heels into the flagstones.

Scorpius slouched and rolled his eyes. Explaining it as the most obvious thing in the world he said slowly, "We have to see who's right, don't we? We've got a bet."

Albus frowned at him. He would kill to have his Father's glare, but of course he was stuck with something that fizzled out and made older girls coo. "Why weren't you placed in Gryffindor?" he demanded. "Really."

A shrug. "Two words: self preservation."

He blinked and sighed when Scorpius grabbed his arm and started to drag him towards his parents' quarters again. "Oh, right. Your Dad would have killed you."

"If the grandparents hadn't beaten him to it." The blonde glanced back with a flashy grin. "No thanks, I want to live!"

"If you want to live, sneaking to see if my parents are snogging each other senseless isn't the way to do it." Albus shuddered. "Ugh, just thinking about them…gag me."

Scorpius was quiet for a moment. "Your parents going at it. No, doesn't bother me any."

And that in itself mildly disturbed Albus. "What if it was your parents?" he pressed.

The smug answer: "I am secure in the knowledge that Lord and Lady Malfoy haven't unbuttoned one button in the other's company since my conception."

"Lucky bastard," he muttered back, then froze. How had they gotten to the entrance to his parents' quarter so fast? Had Scorpius learned to apparate without telling him? He stared at the dark, wooden door. His Da had pranked the portraits one too many times, and Father had been forced to install a more mundane entrance. It did make it easier to sneak in, but that wasn't making Albus any less sick to his stomach. "Six sickles is so not worth going in there," he muttered.

"So let's up the ante."

He scoffed, "What could be worth me going in there to be mentally scarred and grounded for the rest of my life?"

Scorpius laid his head on Albus's shoulder. "So you admit they're snogging."

Albus paled and shook the boy off him. "No, they're not. Ugh, Merlin, no."

"So pony up." The blonde stuck out a hand. "The Imperius game, one day, control goes to the winner."

The Imperius game. Albus had known better than to play that with Scorpius since he was twelve. "No way in Hell am I letting you make me do whatever you want for five minutes. Forget it." He started to walk away, but the next sentence stopped him.

"Five hours, then."

He was an idiot. "This is so stupid," he groused. "Two."

"Three."

"Deal." And they shook. "They are not going to snog," Albus found himself needing to say. "Commit murder, maybe; not snog. Not unless Father really is a Dementor and is planning to suck out Da's soul."

Scorpius's face turned positively evil. "Suck."

"Don't make me hex you." He stared at the door again and forced himself not to scuff one shoe on the stone. "You go in, then."

A laugh. "Right, they'll kill me. And if I do make it out alive, I'll say they were snogging no matter what really went on."

Grumbling, Albus pulled out the invisibility cloak from his book bag. Father had given it to him after his sorting into Slytherin, saying something about fair turnabout. "Get under," he said, "And stay close to me."

"If I must," Scorpius replied sufferingly.

And under the safety of the cloak, they eased through the door. The entrance had a very good silencing charm over it, so as they entered they heard just the tail end of the most fearsome shout either had ever heard Severus Snape utter.

"—bloody Michael Jackson!" Severus bellowed, causing Albus to stare at Scorpius in absolute confusion. Huh?

"Oh, come on, Sev. Admit it already; it's funny," said his Da from the couch with a broad, razor-sharp grin.

"Funny?" Severus growled as he stalked towards his husband. "Funny! How, Potter, is it funny that you've taught my 1st years to sing Muggle lyrics to our most ancient pureblood melodies!"

Harry shrugged. "They fit surprisingly well. I don't see what the big deal is."

"The big deal, as you put it, is that next week little Slytherin children are going to kneel by the Yule fire and sing "I'm a Barbie girl" and "I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves" to their elders. Can you imagine Lord Knott's face? I can."

Albus could too. He bit down hard one knuckle to keep from laughing out loud. He glanced at Scorpius. Unfortunately, the boy looked dead confused, and that only made him want to laugh harder. He could almost hear the question tumbling around in the blonde's head. …Barbie?

His Da grinned even wider. "I can picture it," he smirked. "Perfectly." And to prove it, he fell onto the couch in gales of laughter until his husband grabbed his shoulders, shook him violently twice, and then pinned him down on the cushion.

"It is not funny, Harry," Severus growled.

Harry's grin did something very unusual and downright scary then. It turned Slytherin. "Come on, Sev. Don't you get it?" He stretched and made himself more comfortable on the couch. "No one knows the lyrics to those songs. So who's to say the words I taught to those tykes weren't right? They fit the music, after all."

"I say. Those are Muggle lyrics, Harry."

He cocked an eyebrow. "And how many purebloods have heard one Muggle song in their entire lives?"

Severus froze in place. Scorpius blinked, confused, but knew enough to slap an extra hand over Albus's mouth. Albus was about to burst.

"They won't know they're Muggle," Harry said and threw his arms around his captor. "And since they don't know the right lyrics, they can't say the ones their children know are wrong. They'll have to assume they're right. They'll want to."

"For the status," Severus clued in. "Of course. They'll want to use those lyrics to one-up their fellows at their next exclusive gathering."

Harry tilted his head and continued, "Which you have to be at least a tenth generation pureblood to be invited to serve drinks at."

"So no half blood will hear hide or hair of those lyrics for years, they'll be such a best-kept secret."

They laughed together. "Heck," Harry added, "we'll probably be dead by the time someone with dirty blood laughs their head off at some inbred, pureblood snob."

"Too bad," Severus mused and lay down on top of his husband.

"Yeah, too bad," Harry replied and craned up to peck at the throat above him.

Albus's Father hummed. "So you can act Slytherin when you want to. Who would ever guess?"

"Consider it an early birthday present."

"Really?" That merited a dangerous-sounding chuckle. "What, pray tell then, am I getting early for Yule?"

Harry put on the same deer-eyed look from the classroom, but for an entirely different reason. "Why don't you come down here and find out?"

…

Albus's hand slid up from his mouth to cover his eyes.

Crap.

Scorpius's arm snaked about his shoulder and he felt his face burn. He let himself be led back out of the rooms, refusing to open his eyes until they were safely out the door and had turned a corridor four times. Only then did he risk a look, and instantly regretted it. The blonde's toothy grin was absolutely draconic, and he was fairly certain he was dinner.

…

Back four corridor turns, though a door, and on a couch, Severus Snape pulled away from his husband's collarbone to look into his eyes with raised brows. "Just so you know, your son would be grounded until after the Apocalypse if I weren't certain that he's about to get exactly what he deserves. That Malfoy brat, though, is begging to be used in your next demonstration."

Harry stretched beneath him and blinked, trying very hard to puzzle out those two sentences with a mind that flat-out refused to think. Finally, it clicked. "Are you ever going to tell Albus that you can see through that cloak you gave him?" he asked.

"I fantasize about giving him a rude awakening when he tries to sneak about in it with his first girlfriend."

Harry, despite himself, felt his mouth pop open. The Head of Slytherin could not have missed this; it was inconceivable.

Unfortunately, Severus didn't miss his look. "What?"

Harry cringed but put a hand up on Severus's chest and pushed so he could sit up. He didn't want to explain this without being in position to tackle his husband when the man tried to lunge out the door with his wand sparking. "Um, Sev. I'm almost afraid to break this to you, but Albus isn't likely to be interested in girls…and…Scorpius—oh no you don't!"

CRASH!

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Muggles Songs Drabble…