To Have and To Hold Back

AN: Hey, this is my first fanfiction story so please be nice :) I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed writing it. Spoilers for the Angels take Manhattan! x

'Why did you lie to me?'

'When one's in love with an ageless god, who insists on the face of a twelve year old. One does one's best to hide the damage.'

'It must hurt.'

'Yes. The wrist is pretty bad too.'

- The Doctor and River Song, The Angels take Manhattan

Along West Avenue, the rain seemed to fall incredibly often however; it never seemed to bother the locals. Armed with umbrellas, ignoring the surrounding around them, their lives carried on, as per normal. It was just an average, ordinary Monday evening in Western Manhattan.

If someone had of stopped, they may have of noticed a small change from earlier in the day. A new gravestone sat in the local cemetery and a tall blonde woman was walking in an oversized green jacket into that abandoned building. No-one ever went there. No-one ever talked about it, almost like it was an anomaly. Something everyone wanted to ignore. The invisible abandoned run-down hotel in the middle of the street.

Inside the dust covered every item, fading the once bright, homely wallpaper. An old fashioned elevator was located next to the decaying stairway. Somehow it was still functioning, to the woman's surprise. She knew it would be only a matter of time until it would break. Until it would collapsed completely and plunge to the ground. But she always took the risks.

'River!'

She turned, suddenly looking up from her right wrist. She had been analysing it intently beforehand. After seeing it was only her husband, her shoulders dropped as she lent backwards just touching the wall behind her. She glanced upwards towards the ceiling as the elevator doors began to slowly close.

He bounded in besides her, full of confidence. He took hold of her shoulder and swung her to face him swiftly, attempting to capture her gaze in his.

'What on earth are you doing here!? You could get yourself sent back too... The Tardis is going as quickly as she can to complete the scan for other angels; you know that, you're the one that set it up, not that I couldn't or anything... But that's beside the point.'

He ran a hand though his floppy brown mass of hair, moving closer towards her causing their foreheads to almost touch.

'I can't lose you today too' he whispers quietly taking her hand in his, stroking her early broken wrist to control his emotions. After a few seconds passed his eyes shot upwards again.

'River, you're not taking to me.' His tone was soft and calm, until the panic took over. 'You always talk to me, well, there was that one time involving that three headed alien that covered you a saliva after I angered it and you kept silent in protest, but, River!'

She lowered her head, only slightly but it was enough. Enough for him to see the turmoil of emotions running though her eyes. Normally, she was a closed book. Maybe today, just once, she was opening up to him. A dinging noise captured his attention as River darted from the lift, opening the third door on the left then racing inside. The Doctor slowly followed her to the doorway, tracing room label with the tips of his fingers.

'You can trust me. You can always, always trust me River' his voice took on that caring, concerned tone again and he stood at the doorway, hesitate about walking inside.

A bell ran in the distance, it was eight o'clock. The beginning of another, insignificant to some, significant to others, hour in the city that never sleeps.

'I'm sorry, Doctor.' River cried as the tears begin to fall down her face as she curled up on the sofa 'After today, you shouldn't have to deal with me on-top of everything else.'

She felt a pair of arms wrap their way around her and a small kiss on her forehead.

'You have nothing to be sorry for.'

'When you run with the Doctor, it feels like it will never end. But however hard you try, you can't run for ever. Everybody knows that everybody dies, and nobody knows it like the Doctor'

- River Song, the Forest of the Dead

They sat in silence, side by side, until Rivers tears had subsided. He never let go of her hand, rubbing his thumb across it, over and over again in an effect to calm her.

'Why did you get so angry?'

His head shot upwards, frowning slightly. After analysing what River had just said for about thirty seconds, at least, he opened his mouth to reply.

'When?'

'Earlier' River snapped her response straight away, distancing herself away from him across the room. 'Rule one is that the doctor lies! So why is it such a... crime when I happen to do the same!?'

The doctor opens his mouth to respond but she cuts across his.

'I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything.'

The air that hangs around them could be cut with a knife.

'River, what's wrong?' his voice full of concern and worry.

'I...' He gives a look to encouragement and her willpower to stay silent breaks.

'I feel so lost, Doctor, and so, so confused.' She begins gazing out of the window.

'You're fading away from me. I live for the days when I see you, but they are getting further, and further apart. It's been weeks; almost a month since I last saw you. I used to see you every night, back when I first arrived at the Stormcage. Some nights, you knew everything, and others you never had a clue but, you were always, always there.'

She takes a breath. The dying sunlight was shimmering on the horizon line of New York as another day drew to a close. No different to any other.

'I know you hate endings.' River starts, as a storm begins to swell in her deep blue eyes, 'But I can't change the inevitable.'

He leans forward, drinking in her every word.

'I'm getting older, Doctor, I can't run as fast and you look over half my age. We both know that someday, maybe someday soon, our time is going to have to end. I think it just may break or kill me.'

'River...'

'Is it just easier for you to just fade me out of your life, to lose me slowly instead of just in one go?' She starts to shake slightly. 'Is that why I hardly see you, because you're getting rid of me?'

'No' He lend backwards again, running a hand though his hair then crossing his arms, looking downwards 'I knew they were going to apply your sentence, you don't deserve to be imprisoned for a murder you committed unwillingly, so I've been... distant from you, trying to erasing myself from history, so you could live in freedom.'

'But you had a reputation once! Surely that's worth more than my freedom?'

'Not from where I'm sitting, honey.' He smiles slightly and looks towards River; she'd turned to face him earlier and sweetly smiled back, before presuming her questioning.

'Why would you do that for me?'

'You know, sometimes everyone get to a point where they are so used to not really feeling anything, just going with the flow, that they forget how it feels to be really happy or really sad.' He pauses for a minute, as if he was contemplating what to say next.

'You're right.' He says as he stands, hands in pockets, moving towards the window. 'This isn't going to last forever. So I want you to live, to feel and see everything without having to suffer, in prison, afterwards because of me' He sighs and gazes downwards, out of the window, next to her. 'Because... I love you, River.' He pauses, and the silence overtakes the small room for a while. 'I will love you forever.'

The final beams of sunlight were touching to tips of building tops, turning them a golden shade against the maroon coloured sky. The doctor placed his hand of Rivers back, moving his thumb between her shoulder blades. After a moment, he lets go.

'Everything ends eventually. Today, it hit me that it hurts more when you're left hanging, unable to finish your final goodbye...' A shadow fell over the doctor's eyes, as Amy and Rory's departure from his life came back into focus. 'I'll love you forever, never forget that.'

'You really loved them, didn't you?'

The doctor raised his head to look into her eyes, giving her his smallest saddest smile before his gaze drifted away.

'How can you promise me forever when forever is numbered? Everyone dies, you know that.'

'We won't be together forever, we can't be, and the day it ends will break my heart. But every line of our story, of our love, will last forever.' He takes a hold of her hand, looking up at her. 'Letting myself fall in love with you is the greatest risk I've ever taken.' He pressed his lips gently to Rivers. 'And your unconditional love is the greatest reward I've ever gotten.'

'Are you married, River?'

'Are you asking?'

'Yes'

'Yes'

- The Doctor and River Song, The Big Bang

'You know River.' The Doctor tells her, clutching two bouquets of flowers. 'There is a planet where it is illegal for anybody to pick flowers that grow there.'

River laughs, catching up with him slightly, gently knock her shoulder with his while grabbing hold of his free hand, making him smile.

'You're joking!'

'I'm not! The planet Abajiania, know across the galaxies for having the brightest flowers in the universe, the locals believe that the flowers bring them luck; it's a strict liability criminal offence, punished by death, to pick even a dead flower.'

'And how exactly do you know this husband!?'

'An old story from a very old friend, I'll pick some for you one day, my beloved wife.' The Doctor tells her as she sniffs her bouquet of pink and red roses and turns to face him. 'I hope you like them, even though approximately half of them are dying... '

'Like? I love them! Thank you' She quickly kisses him on the lips, before pulling away blushing. He smiles at her. The artificial lighting had overtaken the sunrays, giving the streets a pink huge to them.

As they turn the corner, reaching the cemetery, the playful mood drops at the speed of light, overtaken by the feeling of sadness and loss. It looks different this late in the day. The Doctor sonics the large, metal entrance gate then locks is it quickly once they're both safely inside.

'You know, I met Rory's dad the other day...' he begins as they walked slowly towards the newest gravestone, just three rows away from a blue police public call box. 'He was a nice guy; I told him the truth that some people who travel with me pass away and that it wouldn't be Rory or Amy' He pauses as he places his two bouquets of flowers on the ground, before sitting down, resting against the gravestone behind him. 'I couldn't have been more wrong.'

River sits down next to him, resting her head on his shoulder, wrapping her green jacket around herself tighter. The winds had started to pick up. 'Oh, Sweetie...' she whispers gently.

'I dropped them home to keep them safe. So I wouldn't have to stand over there broken bodies.' He sighs, analysing the gravestone for what felt like the billionth time that day, wishing it would fade away. 'And here I am, at their gravestone...'

'Where they are buried after living a long and happy life together...'

'That took place in the wrong time zone! I've got to tell Brian I've lost them! That they are never coming home and it's entirely my fault!' his tears start to fall again, voice shacking he adds, 'I shouldn't endanger other people by being selfish, it always ends badly.'

'Don't travel on your own.' River pleas with him. 'The bad things stay with you so easily; you need let some of your guilt and hurt go; you couldn't have done anything. Remember the good.'

'I can't escape this feeling of guilt. Even if I wanted to.'

'They wouldn't blame you' she catches his eye and he's intrigued by what she had to say. 'You brought them together, made their love so strong that it spans a millennium. They chose to take a great risk of their safety by travelling with you.' She's silent for a minute before quietly adding 'I bet they believe that they got the greatest reward, of each other and you, from it.'

He turns to face River, beaming down at her. 'Maybe your right...' his smile is short lived though. 'Either way, I'll never know.' He sighs and kisses the top of her head. 'I never got the complete goodbye, I never seem to.' He starts to frown. 'And my life is far too dangerous for companions, I need to remember that.'

'It isn't, sweetie, please listen and believe me, we can take care of ourselves. If you don't then I may have to prove it...' She says while reliving a small gun from within her coat pocket and winking at him.

'Ha-ha! You psychopath!' He laughs after sticking his tongue out at her before deflating again quietly adding 'I don't think the others can...'

They sat in silence for a little while longer, until the darkness had become almost overwhelming. He swiftly pulls her upwards, off the ground, and into another hug before returning his gaze back to their gravestone. His shoulders began to shake slightly as an ocean of tears forming.

'Bye-bye, Pond'

She takes hold of his arm as he places a kiss on the top of the gravestone, before retreating backwards into the Tardis, leaving Amy and Rory to rest in peace. One last tear falls from his eye and lands on the muddy ground. He knows it's going to be his last visit to their graves. The one thing the Doctor hates more than endings is repeats.

'It's a long story, Doctor, can't be told. It has to be lived. No sneak previews. Well, except for this one: you'll see me again quite soon'

- River Song, Flesh and Stone

He's taken to sitting on the bottom step in the control room as River runs around the control panel, stabilising the Tardis as she leaves twenty-twelve New York. The Doctor knew she'd put the stabilisers on and taken the breaks off, he shook his head slightly, gazing down under the floor.

'The scan is all clear, all the Angels are all gone from New York, I can't say will be gone forever but then again, the was never the plan.' He smiled up at her as she played with the controls, taking them far away into deep space.

The silence in the Tardis was almost unbearable for him. He loved the noise that his friends brought when they came to travel. They were about to have a family outing before they'd be taken from him. A family outing to the pub... his head shot upwards.

'River. They were your parents. Sorry, I didn't even think.'

'It doesn't matter.' She looks over to him, giving nothing away, she's closed up again.

'Of course it matters!'

'What matters is this! Doctor, don't travel alone.' She sharply responds

'Travel with me then!'

'Whenever and wherever you want.' She smiles and his heart melts under her gaze.

'But not all the time' she responds. As much as she would love to live her life by his side day by day, she knows that in a few days, he'll turn up at her old Stormcage cell to take a younger version of herself to the planet of Abajiania. They will run from the flying police after he picks at least sixty flowers for her saying it will make up for the dying roses he will give her in the future. She'll laugh before pulling him in for a kiss. 'One psychopath per Tardis don't you think?'

He forces a smile and gazes back downwards, forcing down the tears that threaten to overwhelm him, again.

'Ok... this book I've got to write, Melody Malone, I presume I send it to Amy to get it published?'

'Yes... Yes.'

'I'll tell her to write an afterword. For you. Maybe you'll listen to her.'