FOGGY LAWYER BREAKDOWN
Chapter One
by Lawndale Stalker

"We called this family meeting," Jake said, struggling to hang on to his consultant's smile, "To announce that your mother has decided to retire from legal practice. She's been, um, a little overworked of late, and this seemed like a good time."

Quinn gasped, and she and Daria stared at Helen, sitting beside Jake wearing slacks, a pullover blouse that didn't go with them, and slippers. She blinked and smiled vaguely. Her left lower eyelid twitched once.

"Now I don't want you girls to worry about getting by on just my income. We'll have to cut back on a few things, sure. I'm going to cut out my trips to the track and my Thursday night poker games, and I'm sure you girls can get by on half the allowance you've been getting..."

Quinn gasped again, then quickly covered her mouth. Helen's eyelid twitched again, and she reached up and rubbed it.

"...and we'll have to cancel the cable modem service, and cut back to one phone line..."

Quinn made a strangled squeaky noise that probably would have been "eep!" if she hadn't had her hands over her mouth. The corner of Helen's mouth began to twitch, and she brought up her other hand to cover it.

Jake gave Helen's shoulder a gentle squeeze, then put his smile back on and continued. He was sweating. "...But I think we'll be able to keep basic cable TV, and I can save money by doing the shopping and cooking myself."

Quinn made another strangled squeaky noise, this time echoed by Helen and Daria.

"Dad, we want to help out. We'll do our share of the shopping and cooking," Daria said quickly.

"Yeah, Dad, we insist," Quinn added before Jake could object.

"Aww, you girls are the greatest," Jake beamed.

"That's for me," Helen said in a shaky voice, as she got up and headed toward the phone.

Jake grabbed her shoulders and gently turned her to face him. "The phone didn't ring, honey, the phone didn't ring," he said soothingly, and eased her back down onto the sofa. For a second, Helen looked as if she would fight her way to the phone, then she slumped forward and buried her face in her hands. Jake put an arm around her shoulders.

Daria looked at her parents huddled together on the sofa. "Uh, well, I guess we should start planning what we can do to help out. If that's all you have, Dad, I'm going to print up some cards advertising my, uh, typing service, and post them on the bulletin boards at Lawndale Community College. And, um, research service. Yeah, research, that's the ticket..." She rose and headed for the stairs.

"That's the spirit, Kiddo. I'm proud of you," Jake said. "Come on, honey, want to take your pill and have a nice nap?" he said to Helen, who was getting twitchier. He helped her to her feet. "Oh, Quinn," he said as they made their way to the stairs, "I'm afraid I'm going to need you to return that advance on your allowance I gave you, Kitten. And the credit card. You understand."

In her room, Daria switched on her computer and began collecting her cash on hand from several hidden stashes, preparatory to moving it out of the house to a safer location. She trusted her parents, but she wasn't sure about Quinn. So Dad's going to stop donating to the Thursday night poker game, is he? she thought. Good. That closes a big leak in his finances. It also means an empty seat at the table. Daria smiled.

Downstairs in the family room, Quinn sat alone, hands still over her mouth, eyes still wide with shock. Big tears formed in them and rolled down her unlined cheeks. Now Quinn knew when the good old days were. They were the days that had just ended.

Daria was going through her word processor's help files to find out how to print multiple copies of a notice on one page when there was a soft knock at her door. "''Tis some sibling there,' I muttered, 'tapping at my chamber door. Only this, and nothing more."

The door opened and Quinn entered hesitantly, blinking and wiping away a tear, but smiling a little. "You are so weird," she said.

"Quoth the raven, "You are so weird?" Mmm…nope, doesn't rhyme."

Quinn chuckled a little, but her smile quickly faded. "How can you make jokes at a time like this?"

"How could I not? Times like this are when we need jokes."

"Huh. I never thought of it like that. But what are we going to do, Daria? I can't make it on my full allowance, much less half. My fashion club duties…"

"Oh, please. Mom and Dad might buy that fashion club b.s, lord knows why, but I know better. Your 'duties' are exactly what you want them to be."

"Oh, you don't understand anything! I was nuts to think you'd help me!" Quinn spun angrily on her heel and reached for the doorknob.

"I didn't say I wouldn't help you."

Quinn stopped short and looked back at Daria, her expression a mix of doubt and hope.

Daria held up two fingers. "Two things. First, we should be putting Mom's needs ahead of our own, and Dad's too."

Quinn looked down at her feet. "Yeah. I guess you're right. Geez, who'd have thought Mom would just crack up like this? Dad, maybe, but not Mom."

"It's always the strong ones that have the sudden catastrophic breakdowns. Dad's been having a sort of rolling breakdown for as long as I can remember. He doesn't let stuff build up inside. The way pressure has been building on Mom lately, I'm surprised she held out as long as she did. And when I found out that last 'intimacy retreat' they went on was actually to Quiet Ivy…"

"It was? Oh, geez. Well, do you think she'll get better? After a rest, I mean?"

"Yeah, I think so. Mom's pretty tough. Some romance novels, some mindless TV, some chocolate, some coddling from us, maybe a trip to the beach or a mountain cabin, and she'll be good as new."

Quinn smiled. "I hope you're right. Then she'll go back to work?"

Daria frowned. "I don't know if she should, at least not back to her old job. That's what messed her up in the first place."

Quinn's smile was replaced by a look of apprehension. "But can we make it on Dad's income alone?"

"We'll have to, at least for a while. If we follow his belt-tightening plan and help out a little, I think we can."

"But Daria, I've been getting twenty bucks a week from Mom, and another twenty from Dad! You know that; you did it too. I can't make it on ten! I can't live like that!"

"Imagine my surprise. That brings us to the second thing. You're going to have to find an outside source of income and earn what you need, Quinn. That's what I'm going to do."

Quinn stepped around to where she could read Daria's monitor screen. "Typing? Can you make decent money at that?"

"Pretty good, if you can get enough work, but just plain typing isn't what I have in mind."

Quinn gave Daria a puzzled look. "Then what do you have in mind?"

"I'm going to start selling term papers again, like I did when we went to Middleton College. That trip taught me that some people would go to any length to avoid learning something. I already sort of knew that from all the schoolwork I sold you, of course, but I didn't know college kids would pay so much for it."

"Hmph. Well, that's okay for you, but it doesn't help me any. What can I do, besides flip burgers?"

"I'm sure you can think of something. Like, do you have anything you don't want anymore? Something collectible? Put it up for sale on Otay. I'm gonna start selling my old MTG cards. I haven't played for a while, and a lot of those cards have never been used."

"I wouldn't think old Magic cards would sell for enough to make it worth the effort."

"You forget the collectible aspect of them. I've got a couple of cards that are worth over a hundred bucks apiece, and I have over two thousand cards altogether."

"Damn!" Quinn's expression of wonder faded to sadness. "But I don't have anything like that."

"Old Barbie dolls? Stuffed animals? Posters? Music? They say you can sell anything on Otay."

"Hmm… well, maybe. But I've only got so much stuff."

"Yeah. It's indeed tragic, but sooner or later you're going to have to look for some sort of job. You'd do well as a waitress."

"Eewww!"

"Think of it as a specialized form of dating. Hire on somewhere teenage guys go. Think of all the money a guy spends on you on a date, then think of dating eight tables full of guys at once. You'll probably be able to buy a convertible within a month."

"Hmmm… that might not be so bad after all. You're pretty smart, Daria. Got any other ideas?"

"For you? Well, I saw a movie at Lackluster Videos a couple of weeks ago. It might give you some ideas. The title was Bikini Car Wash."

…