TITLE: The Walls Within Me
AUTHOR: Marlen
EMAIL: crmv@aol.com
RATING: G
KEYWORDS: Mulder/Scully romance
CLASSIFICATION: Vignette, Scully Angst, MSR
SPOILERS: Within, Patience Post-ep
DISTRIBUTION: Gossamer, Ephemeral okay. Any others please ask
permission before archiving.
DISCLAIMER: The characters of The X-Files belong to CC, 1013
Production, and FOX.
SUMMARY: Scully isn't as strong as she seems.
STORY NOTES: I didn't think I would write a Patience Post-ep,
but I really wanted to understand the lack of emotion Scully
seemed to show during that episode and this is the result. I
hope you enjoy it.
For more of my work see my website at
http://marlensxfiles.homestead.com
The Walls Within Me
By Marlen
November 20, 2000
I walk through the threshold of my home and lean against the
door. As soon as I hear the familiar click, I fall apart at the
seams.
I do that now.
I hold all of my emotions with all the strength that I can
muster until I'm in the privacy of my own home, and then -- only
then do I let go of all that's been inside of me waiting to
spill like a dam bursting apart.
The door is my threshold to the outer world -- outside, I am the
tough as nails Agent Dana Scully, but here. Inside these four
walls, I'm just a woman who's lost and alone.
So very alone.
And I can't let anyone see my pain.
Not even my mother.
I tried to let her in when the pain was fresh, but by the time
she got back to me, the walls already started to build within me
and I told her I was just have a bad day.
I've had a lot of bad days lately.
Putting Mulder's nameplate in the desk drawer was the hardest
thing I have ever had to do. I held it for what seemed like
forever, caressing his etched name "Fox Mulder."
And then Doggett came in.
How I wish it were Mulder instead.
If he were here, he would've been the one waiting for me to come
in and have the projector ready, telling me about this case in
all his wide-eyed wonder, like a boy who's just found a shiny
quarter on the street.
I never told him how envious I am of that.
He would've deduced quickly that this was indeed an X-File and
of course, I would've refuted it.
It's the little proverbial dance we played.
I so desperately want that back.
I want him back.
The impact that he is really gone starts bubbling up once again
to the surface. This is not the place for it and I quickly put
his nameplate into the drawer. I can never let the walls I have
so carefully built around me fall, especially not here -- not
anywhere, except the sanctuary of my home.
I can never let them see just how lost I am without him.
My partner.
My friend.
My lover.
My touchstone.
My Mulder.
I slide down the door and I can't stop the tears from falling
down my face. I don't even bother wiping them anymore.
Sometime later, I don't remember what time it is, but it must be
in the evening because the room is sheath in a dark blue glow.
I finally find the strength to get up, as is my usual routine,
and walk to the window to watch the sky.
Praying that he comes home soon, so we can start the dance once
again.
~End~
Feedback lovingly appreciated at crmv@aol.com
AUTHOR: Marlen
EMAIL: crmv@aol.com
RATING: G
KEYWORDS: Mulder/Scully romance
CLASSIFICATION: Vignette, Scully Angst, MSR
SPOILERS: Within, Patience Post-ep
DISTRIBUTION: Gossamer, Ephemeral okay. Any others please ask
permission before archiving.
DISCLAIMER: The characters of The X-Files belong to CC, 1013
Production, and FOX.
SUMMARY: Scully isn't as strong as she seems.
STORY NOTES: I didn't think I would write a Patience Post-ep,
but I really wanted to understand the lack of emotion Scully
seemed to show during that episode and this is the result. I
hope you enjoy it.
For more of my work see my website at
http://marlensxfiles.homestead.com
The Walls Within Me
By Marlen
November 20, 2000
I walk through the threshold of my home and lean against the
door. As soon as I hear the familiar click, I fall apart at the
seams.
I do that now.
I hold all of my emotions with all the strength that I can
muster until I'm in the privacy of my own home, and then -- only
then do I let go of all that's been inside of me waiting to
spill like a dam bursting apart.
The door is my threshold to the outer world -- outside, I am the
tough as nails Agent Dana Scully, but here. Inside these four
walls, I'm just a woman who's lost and alone.
So very alone.
And I can't let anyone see my pain.
Not even my mother.
I tried to let her in when the pain was fresh, but by the time
she got back to me, the walls already started to build within me
and I told her I was just have a bad day.
I've had a lot of bad days lately.
Putting Mulder's nameplate in the desk drawer was the hardest
thing I have ever had to do. I held it for what seemed like
forever, caressing his etched name "Fox Mulder."
And then Doggett came in.
How I wish it were Mulder instead.
If he were here, he would've been the one waiting for me to come
in and have the projector ready, telling me about this case in
all his wide-eyed wonder, like a boy who's just found a shiny
quarter on the street.
I never told him how envious I am of that.
He would've deduced quickly that this was indeed an X-File and
of course, I would've refuted it.
It's the little proverbial dance we played.
I so desperately want that back.
I want him back.
The impact that he is really gone starts bubbling up once again
to the surface. This is not the place for it and I quickly put
his nameplate into the drawer. I can never let the walls I have
so carefully built around me fall, especially not here -- not
anywhere, except the sanctuary of my home.
I can never let them see just how lost I am without him.
My partner.
My friend.
My lover.
My touchstone.
My Mulder.
I slide down the door and I can't stop the tears from falling
down my face. I don't even bother wiping them anymore.
Sometime later, I don't remember what time it is, but it must be
in the evening because the room is sheath in a dark blue glow.
I finally find the strength to get up, as is my usual routine,
and walk to the window to watch the sky.
Praying that he comes home soon, so we can start the dance once
again.
~End~
Feedback lovingly appreciated at crmv@aol.com