Disclaimer: I don't own .hack, and I never will. Therefore, this was written for entertainment purposes only, and I will not try to make any kind of profit from this work.
Author note: These are just little scenes, mostly unrelated, that have come to me over time. Some will be chapters, others will be little funny scenes in more of a script format. As usual, constructive criticism is appreciated, as well as ideas.
Author key:
Scene: Who, What, and Where of the scene
Character name: Character speaking
'Character name': Player speaking (player using a different avatar)
Well, here goes...
Big Brother is always watching you...Scene: Kite is training Shugo in how to be a true hero. Orca and Rena watch from the sidelines while waiting for the two to finish.
Rena: Is it me, or does Kite seem to be a bit harsher than usual?
Orca: Harsher?
Rena: Yeah. Usually Kite just makes Shugo do some exercises, and if Shugo fails just says something like "Nice try", or "Better luck next time", unless Shugo does something extremely wrong. Today though, the exercises seem a bit rough on him. (Points to Shugo, who is racing Kite while chained to a boulder, while Kite, who's chained to a bigger boulder, is running circles around him while yelling at him like a drill sergeant.)
Orca: Oh, that... You see, Yasuhiko and I thought that Shugo wasn't making progress fast enough, so we traded characters for today.
Rena: Wait. You traded characters with Orca.
Orca: Right.
Rena: Which means that you're Kite.
'Kite': Right. (Uses Orca's character to give a Harrison Ford style smile, complete with shining teeth)
Rena: (Thinks)I'm speaking to my idol, the legendary hero Kite, and he just smiled at me! Eeek! (Rena swoons, and then faints)
'Kite': Uh, are you okay? C'mon, stop kidding around already. You're making me nervous... (Suddenly, Shugo looks over, sees Rena unconscious in-front of Orca, who's bending down over her, and goes crazy)
Shugo: Orca! What have you done to my sister! Get your mitts of my sis, you pervert! (Starts charging at Orca, who looks up in alarm at the sight of Shugo charging at him despite still being chained to a boulder)
'Kite': (In the middle of getting a health drink out for Rena) Uh oh... (Soon, Kite, in Orca's avatar, is running across the field as Shugo, still trapped to a boulder, chases after him)
'Orca': (Yelling) That's right, Shugo! You got the hang of pulling that boulder! Try putting your shoulders in it for more speed!
'Kite': (Also shouting) Don't give him more ideas! Help me already!
'Orca': Oh alright... Wait, what's Shugo doing? What the... (Starts yelling again) No! Shugo, don't! Don't you dare data drain him! (Bright light envelops the scene)
'Orca': Uh, what happened? Hey, Kite, Shugo! Are you two o... k...? (Spots the two of them) What the... Kite! What have you done to my character!
'Kite':(thinking) What I did? You think I like gaining a couple thousand pounds in a flash?
Shugo: Uh, that was Kite playing Orca? Uh... Sorry? (Starts laughing nervously. Laying behind him, where Orca's character was just a minute ago, is an adult killer whale, also called an orca)
Three Hours Later...
Scene: In the back alley where Kite, back in his own avatar, waits for someone.
Kite: Now where is he? He said he'd be here by now...
Balmung:(Comes running up to Kite) I'm here. What did you call me for? Is something wrong?
Kite: Wrong? Eh... well, kind of. You see... Orca kind of got... changed.
Balmung: Orca was changed? Kite, you're not making any sense here. What happened?
????:Snort!
Balmung:(Turns around) What the... A monster in a root town?(Draws sword)
Kite: Balmung! Wait! That's Orca! (Indeed, Orca, still in whale form, is floating in the lagoon beside the two)
Balmung: Orca! My friend, what happened to you?
Orca: ...
Kite: It's a long story, but I got Helba to agree to fix Orca. It'll take a couple days, though, so until then he's stuck like this. I just thought you should know. Well, I gtg, so by. (Logs out)
(Silence overcomes them for a few minutes, before Balmung speaks up)
Balmung: Let me guess, Rena's big brother Shugo did this?
Orca: (Nods)
Balmung: I thought so. He did the same thing to Komiyan III awhile ago. (Silence for a few more minutes) Hey... I've got a killer idea. Care for a bit of payback?
Orca: (Nods again, but has an evil gleam in his eye)
The End?
Blackrose's mistake
Scene: Kite, Sanjuro, and Blackrose are in a low level field fighting a swarm of enemies on a small hill, Kazu slightly behind them.
Blackrose:(Swings her heavy blade weapon at a goblin, slicing the goblin in two but also barely missing Sanjuro's cheek) Sorry!
Sanjuro: Hey! Watch where you swing that thing you kid! (To himself) I can't see why Kite keeps her around. She's as dangerous to as she is to the enemies!
Blackrose: What was that!?!?
Sanjuro: Nothing! (The fighting continues, and Blackrose tries to hit multiple enemies at once. Shifting her grip on her sword, she swings it like a tennis racket, killing two more goblins and harming a third)
Blackrose: Hah! Take that! (Blackrose continues to use her new strategy and swings again, missing the intended goblin and smacking Kite's head of his soldiers, causing his body to fall to the ground as his head is sent down the hill)
Blackrose: Kite! I'm so sorry! Are you okay? Speak to me!
Sanjuro: (Watching Blackrose as Kite's head still bounces down the hill) How in the world do you expect him to be fine and able to speak to you? You just sent his head flying! (As soon as Sanjuro finishes saying this, Kite's body starts to stir, freaking Blackrose out)
Blackrose: Ahhh! It's alive! (Reaches for her sword to finish the body off)
(Before Blackrose can get her sword, Kite's head pops up from his shirt, perfectly fine, if not a bit pale and gasping for air)
Blackrose: Kite! You're alright!
Sanjuro: Whoa... that was freaky...
Kite:(Rubbing his head, as if to make sure it's still on. Seeing as it is, he relaxes) Man, that was close! (Looks back at Kazu, who's just finished the last monster off) Thanks for the tip, Kazu! You saved my life!
Kazu:(Smiling sheepishly while rubbing the back of his head) Hey, it was nothing. She's done it to me in the past. She can be such a klutz at times, can't she?
Kite: Yeah, you're right.
Blackrose:(In the background, with large vein sticking out of her forehead) Oh, I'm a klutz, am I? Well, lets see how long it takes me to cut off your heads again!
Kazu and Kite:gulp (Both proceed to flee as Blackrose chases them while wildly swinging her sword)
Sanjuro: Once again, I'm surrounded by insanity. (Gates out)
Kazu and Kite: No! Don't leave us hear alone! (Screen fades away, with Kazu and Kite's screams of terror being overrun by Blackrose's maniacal laughter)
The End...
Scene: Where Natsume joins your quest. Note, these aren't the exact lines.
(Kite gives Natsume Spiral Edge)
Natsume: Wow! I can really have these? I don't have anything I can give you in return, though, except maybe myself...
Kite: Okay! When?
Natsume: (Blushes) What! That's not your line! Wait... your not Kite! You're too short!
Rena:(Off-screen) Shugo! Get back here! (Chase scene occurs)
Director:(Watching chase scene) Wait, if that's Shugo there, where's Kite?
Scene: In a dark broom closet somewhere
Kite: Mfff! (Kite is bound and gagged, struggling for freedom. Suddenly, the door opens...)
???: Oh, Kite! What are you doing here all tied up? Wait, I've got an idea...
To be continued...
Author: What will become of Kite? Who is this mystery character? Is it: A. Noble Grunty, B. Nuke, or C. an even more evil character? Will this mysterious stranger force Kite through an unspeakable (err, unreadable) evil? Or will this mystery character help Kite? It's up for you to find out by reading the next update of .hack Comedy!
As usual, please read and review. The humble author will accept corrections, places to find the entire game script (including parody mode, please), and a few ideas/suggestions. Not all of them, though...