Chapt 1
How many times had she thought about it? How long had it been? This is what she asked herself every day since the mistake. She hated herself but more she hated him. The sound he used to have in his voice, the way his hair was always messy. The person she didn't have to tip toe around. But he was gone, under a hundred ashes, where his soul used to be. The thing she saw that was him, it would never be him again. She wept every day for him to return but he never had. How many times head she dreamed of his return? She had always expected him to turn up in the doorway smiling slightly. But it never happened.
She made her way though the corridors of Hogwarts, nearly every one had gone back for Christmas expect for her and Lavender. They were the only people in Gryffindor left. Ron had gone, left her by herself. But who would blame him? They didn't even talk anymore. He reminded her too much of him. The memories to painful to bring to the surface. She kept them deep inside herself. She had made a castle in her mind. But it wasn't pretty, it was a maze with no ending. With doors on either sides of the walls that she couldn't open, that she had locked. There was one door, where she kept the memories, she locked it tighter than all the rest. She never wanted that door to open, never again. Right in the center of the maze there stood a door where she knew would never open again. That door held the last string of hope she had left, it wasn't much but it was she didn't want to let go of.
She muttered the pass word, and the portrait swung open like it always did. She headed straight up to her dormitory, and stank into the bed. She liked not having to share a room for once. There was no one to bother her as she embraced reality. She fell asleep. Half asleep she heard a soft noise.
"Harry" she muttered half conciseness. She quickly turned her head to see no one at the doorway, a single tear ran down her face, even to utter his name brought so much pain back that she had locked away in her castle. She wept so hard that, she grew dizzy.
She threw the covers off her, jumped out of bed and went to her bag and roughly pulled out toe nail scissors. She looked at the scissors they made her forget, for a short time about what happened. The pain filled some of the hole that was inside of her. But it never lasted. She pulled up her sleeve up and pressed the scissors down on to the back of her arm. She shrieked with the pain. She had never more welcomed it. Fresh blood spilled from her arm, not much but enough to stain the carpet. She hated herself. The cut sung, a cold burning she loved it. It clamed her, the pricking skin felt so good to her. Many scars had grown here. Red ones, but no one noticed. She got her towel from her bag and put it over the new wound. The towel had lots of blood stains on it.
Later on that night, she found herself out by the lake, with a packet of cigarettes at hand. She had tried every thing to stop thinking about, but cutting and smoking had worked a bit. So she did it. She didn't care about her health anymore, and to prove that, she hadn't eaten for a good four days now, and she the big black circles under her eyes. She was wasting away. She took a big puff and released it, watching the smoke float in front of her. She looked out over the black sky, it was beautiful, the moon was a half, and the stars shone brightly. For a moment she forgot about him, without hurting herself somehow.
"I'd thought I'd be the one to start that habit first" said familiar voice. She turned around to find Ron standing behind her.
"Ron!" she exclaimed and got up.
"What are you doing here I thought you were at home, when did you get here?" she asked as she threw the cigarette into the lake.
"I just got back then, I couldn't leave you by yourself for so long I thought you'd..." he broke off.
"You'd thought I'd what? Do something to hurt myself?" she asked anger rising in her voice.
"Well I wasn't wrong look at you now" Ron said a pleading look on his face.
"No you weren't wrong" she said and sat back down. It had hurt so much just to say that. Ron sat down next to her this was the first time they had spoken, for ages.
"Why didn't you talk to me during the year?" Ron asked, Hermione knew it was time to be truthful. She couldn't keep it inside any longer.
"Because it reminds of the times we're never going to have again, times when he was still here" she said.
"Harry?" Ron said. Hermione burst out in anger.
"DON'T SAY HIS NAME" she screamed, and fell into a flood of tears. She brought her knees up to cover her face. She wept so quietly, but hard her pants were damp from tears.
"Look at me Ron, I can't even say his name" she sobbed. Ron knew what she was going through he had been through it but he didn't know how to react. Making a quick decision, he threw his arm around her and pulled her into a half hug. They sat for what seemed hours. Her tears fell so loosely without stop. He had never seen Hermione like this before, but they had never lost a friend with no hope of getting them back.
"There's apart of me that's been torn out, and I can't fill it" She sobbed louder than ever.
"Hermione you have to hold on, l know what you're going through, because I've gone through it. Why do you think I didn't stay here for Christmas? Because I hate this place because it reminds me of what we'll never have again." He said with sympathy in his voice. After awhile of silence he wiped a tear away from Hermione's cheek. She had stopped crying.
"There is some, but I kept it locked away." She spoke her voice broken.
"You kept what locked away?" Ron asked confused.
"Hope" she replied.
"There's not much" he said his grip tightening on her. But not to tight he thought she would break she had grown so weak.
"I know but there's some" she said. Before he knew what was happening, Hermione's lips brushed his, it was a quick butterfly kiss.
They didn't say anything. They sat in silence. That was she first time she had kissed him on the lips. New tears ran down her face, but not ones of sorrow. Ones of hope because he wasn't gone not completely. They sat there, for what seemed ages. Hermione fell asleep on his lap, she slept soundly for the first time in months.