Celebrity Deathmatch: Poke` Rocks Style
Disclaimer: DEATH TO LEGAL ISSUES! This is my first fic, and I've already adopted a passionate hate for disclaimers! Anyway, I don't own Pokemon and I don't own *N Sync. (Though my sister wishes she did. (And she says I'm fanatic.)
Author's Note: This ain't an Eminem-type diss fight on *N Sync. (Moonbeamer (Sis) would kill me.) No furry Pikachu rears were actually fried in this fic, Squirtle survived with massive brain surgery, and JC was easily put back together with glue and paint. Oh, and I'm tying Red, Blue, Yellow, Gold, and Silver versions into here. Ash is a Master and has all 251. At any rate... ON WITH THE STANKING FIC ALREADY!
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Johnny: Hello folks! I'm Johnny Gomez here with Nick Diamond, and we here to bring you the fight of the millennium. Tonight, we have the pop sensation, *N Sync vs. the 200+ pocket monsters, Pokemon!
Nick: Yes, this fight promises blood, gore, and a bunch of adolescent, screaming girls.
*Takes a deep breath, and, in a loud, booming voice announces the competitors*
Nick: Innnn the blue corner, weighing in at 150 pounds, JC Chasez!
*JC struts into the arena, flashing his famous smile, which causes a catfight in the nosebleed seats*
Nick: Innnn the red corner, weighing in at, I forgot, Ash Ketchum!
*Ash skips in like a fairy, holding Pikachu and Brock's hands*
Johnny: Okay, over to you Miller.
Judge Miller: Okay you two. I want a good clean fight. You, the dumb French dude. You may choose from the weapons on the rack. Fag-man, you have 251 monsters to choose from, you get only them.
Ash: But, the dumb French dude weighs more than my Pokemon!
JC: Shut up you homo! I'm one, they're 251! Deal with it!
*At the side, JC's bandmates shout and cheer. His ego gets visibly larger at this.*
Judge Miller: Now, let's get it on!
*Ash pulls out a little red ball and kisses it before releasing his choice Pokemon.*
JC: You expect me to be afraid of a turtle? Are you brain-dead or something?
Ash: SHUT UP! My Squirtle will whip your skinny, and cute, little butt in three seconds flat.
*JC walks over to the weapons on the rack, and chooses a pickaxe.*
Squirtle: Squirt Squirtle, Squirrrrtle!
(Translation: Ash, you *are* brain-dead! I ain't fighting him!)
Ash: Shut up and use your bubble attack!
*Squirtle, grumbling about being ill-treated and not getting paid for it, blows a huge string at bubbles at JC. The singer, who's back is foolishly turned, gets drenched. He spins around with a maniacal look in his eyes*
JC: Okay, these clothes cost me two hundred dollars! And they're not machine washable! I am going to kill you, you annoying blockhead!
Squirtle: SQUIRT SQUIRTLE!
(Translation: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!)
*JC launches at Squirtle, brandishing the pickaxe like a sword. He belts out a Xena warrior yell and jams the axe in Squirtle's neck. Blood spurts all over his precious clothes, and he get angrier. He runs around the doomed Pokemon once, messily slicing his bowling ball head off.*
Ash: (Upset, Enraged, and staring at JC's butt still): Squirtle! You killed my Squirtle! I work so hard to raise him! You egotistical, Pokemon murdering freak!
JC: My clothes! They're destroyed. YOU OWE ME, YOU DAMN FAIRY!
*JC sniffles a bit and dries his eyes, all the while glaring at Ash. But, the Pokemon Master is too busy flirting with Judge Miller to notice.*
Ash (distracted): Charizard! I choose you!
*The big, dragon looking Pokemon stares down at JC, who's now cowering in fear.*
JC: Um... Nice, thingy. Go away and let my live my life.
Ash: Charizard! Fry him with your fireblast.
*Just for kicks, Charizard decides to use firespin and fireblast. The wall of fire advances on JC faster than you can say "KFC"
and he's charred in seconds. Charizard roars in victory and sweeps JC's ashes off the ring."Nick (sounding sick): I think it's time for a commercial break.
Ten minutes and fifty car commercials later, we're back.
Justin: I am NOT going into the ring with that... that beast waiting to turn me into a crispy chicken sandwich!
Lance: Me neither! I don't want to known as, the extra crispy albino that sung and danced.
Chris: I'm too rich to die!
Joey: Um... ohh... hmmm... I'M HAVING A HEART ATTACK! I can't fight anything. Things... black... dying... I want a Mc Donald's Crispy chicken sandwich before I go. Chris, please, grant my last wish.
Chris: Okay buddy. I'll go get you on... Wait a minute! I am not going into that ring! Get off your lazy ass an get your own sandwich!
*Joey huffs indignantly and pulls out a coin.*
Joey: Loser gets to go fight Godzilla.
Chris: Fine. I get heads.
*Joey, who's coin is actually a two sided, tails coin, flips it with a haughty smirk. When it lands on the floor, he looks at it with a mock sad smile.*
Joey: Sorry Chris. Bye, Bye. Bye.
*Chris' face falls and he trudges into the ring with a sigh of resignation.*
Judge Miller: WAIT! I'm not allowing that on the grounds of cheating. The coin was two sided! Fat man goes in the ring!
*Chris, ecstatic and angry at the same time, runs back to his bandmate's side, giving Joey a hard shove into the ring at the same time. Joey skirts the edge of the Deathmatch ring, trying to get closer to the exit without catching Charizard's attention. But the Pokemon sees him and Joey shrinks back.*
Joey: Good fire-breathing freak. Don't fry me!
Charizard: Grrr... ROOOOAAAARRRR!
(Translation: Regular or extra crispy?)
Joey (thinking): Extra crisp... HEY! You have to have a license to fry celebrities!
Charizard: ...
*Joey gulps fearfully and tries to get to the weapons, which Charizard is practically sitting on.*
Ash: CHARIZARD! FLAME THROWER!
*Charizard just sits there, playing with the same pick axe the late JC had used on the late Squirtle.*
Charizard: GrrOOWW!
(Translation: I don't need a license to use an axe.)
Joey (In a girly voice): Um... ahh... let me see... ohh... um... Enie weenie jellybeanie!
*Charizard looks at Joey like he's lunch and licks his chops. Joey decides to tackle the Pokemon all off the sudden. With a nervous look at his opponent, Joey runs for Charizard. The fire type Pokemon is knocked off balance and falls on a set of razor sharp scythes. His head if chopped off by one and it rolls over to Joey's feet.*
Joey: Enie weenie jellybeanie!
Ash: DAMNIT! IT TOOK ME FOREVER TO RAISE THAT THING! YOU'LL PAY FAT ONE! MEWTWO GIVE ME HIS HEAD!
*The cat-like Pokemon confronts Joey, who is still holding Charizard's head. It's body suddenly spasms back to life and, in an attempt to fricassee Joey, it's head falls out of the singer's hand and takes a unknowing chomp at Mewtwo's head. The Pokemon runs around the ring, trying to pull Charizard's head off of it's ears.*
Joey: Nice hat! I wonder how much Tommy Hilfiger would charge for it?
*Ash, now beet red, calls Mewtwo back and releases Mew.*
Ash: WIPE 'EM ALL OUT!
*Mew sends blasts of brain frying energy at the band. Joey clutches his head as his eyes pop out of their sockets and his head implodes. A sharp wind comes from where he was standing, the air in his head escaping instead of brains. Justin runs in circles, his fro growing too large for his body to withstand. His head blows up and tufts of curly hair float to the ground like bird feathers in a soft July (Or in this case Joey) wind. Ash calls all his Pokemon back and starts to do a victory dance.*
Lance: Man, I got yellow snow stuck in this maple syrup mess I call hair.
Chris: You should talk! I have blonde curls in my beautifully spiny dreads!
*Ash, seeing that two members of *N Sync still remain, throws himself at the weapons rack and blows his fag-type brains out.*
Judge Mills: LANCE AND CHRIS ARE THE WINNERS!
*Both of them smile and walk away from the ring, each kicking Ash's bloodied ass on the way out. They start to talk about taking over the world.*
Johnny: Well, that's all folks. Good night...
Nick: Good fight!
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Nick (watching the credits): Cool! You think we could do that to *N Sync?
AJ (putting phone down): Naw. We'd need a whole cavalry of Eminem's to wipe out dem guys.
Brian (shucking of white lab coat, which is covered in a strange substance): The Slim Shady cavalry has arrived!
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Notes: Brian's Eminem clones backfired and rapped BSB to death in their sleep. After that, they ran off and joined as understudies for *N Sync. Isn't fate cruel?