Author's Note: This is my first attempt at fan ficton so I would appreciate any feeback you all have. Tell me if I suck or if I should keep going. Thanks.
I do not own Castle.
Another case closed. Another killer off the streets and another success for the partnership of NYPD Homicide Detective Kate Beckett and the mystery novelist Richard Castle. But things are not the same anymore. The usual excitement, flirtation, banter, and chemistry of their partnership has been replaced by tension and mistrust. The last few weeks, ever since the bombing at the plaza, their partnership has been uneasy at best. Castle was pulling away and Beckett didn't know why. Something had changed between them and in their typical fashion, they hadn't talked about it. Beckett surveyed the paperwork on her desk and decided it could all wait until tomorrow.
"Ready to go?" she asked Castle as she gathered up her jacket and purse. He was sitting in his usual chair playing Angry Birds on his phone.
"Sure. I'll walk you out." Castle replied. He threw on his coat and together he and Beckett silently walked to the elevator. Each stole quick glances at the other but neither spoke.
The elevator sounded its arrival and they stepped in. Castle hit the button for the lobby and the doors slowly closed. Beckett eyed Castle. She wanted to know what had happened, why Castle had changed. She wanted to know why he had suddenly transformed from her fun loving pig-tail pulling partner, to a glum, serious shadow of the man. But she didn't know what to say and she was too stubborn to make the first move.
"What?" Castle asked suddenly, breaking the silence. He could feel her studying him.
"I didn't say anything."
"Yeah, you were not saying anything pretty loudly."
Suddenly, there was a loud bang, the lights went out, and a violent quake shook the elevator car. After a few seconds, the emergency lights flickered on. Both Castle and Beckett had pinned themselves to the back wall of the elevator with vice grips on the hand rails.
"What's going on?" Castle exclaimed.
"I don't know but we're not moving." Beckett took out her phone and dialed the number for the precinct switchboard. "This is Detective Kate Beckett, I am stuck in the elevator between the third and fourth floors. We heard a loud noise and the elevator has stopped moving. Can you tell me what's going on? . . .OK . . .OK . . . Can you tell me how long you expect it to be? . . . OK, thank you. You can reach me at this number if you have any updates."
"What they say?"
"There was some sort of power surge and it knocked the system offline. They said maintenance is on its way but they expect it will be a couple hours before they can get us out of here."
"Well, this is inconvenient."
"What's the matter Castle? You have a hot date with little miss flight attendant tonight? Or is it some other blonde from your stable of groupies?"
As soon as the words escaped her mouth Beckett realized the comment was unkind and unnecessary. She looked at Castle and saw the wounded expression on his face. He was leaning against the back of the elevator, staring at the ground but didn't reply. After a moment, he looked back to Beckett as if he was ready to comment on her dig but seemed to stop himself at the last second. Instead he took a deep breath and let his eyes return to the spot on the floor he had previously been examining.
"I'm sorry. That was uncalled for." Beckett sheepishly offerered.
"Beckett . . ." Castle began, "Beckett . . . forget about it."
She knew he had more to say. A man who was never at a loss for words wouldn't stumble through so many false starts if that weren't the case. She wanted him to spit it out, tell her what was going on so they could get past it and return to normal. Beckett decided if she needed to push him, then that was what she would do.
"No, let's not forget about it. You obviously have something to say. Something is bothering you. And since it looks like we are going to be here for a while, you might as well take a seat and get it off your chest." Beckett sat down on the floor resting her back against the wall in the corner of the elevator.
Castle just looked at her. His blue eyes boring into her soul, but they seemed darker than usual. He didn't say anything.
"I've got all night Castle."
Castle again froze for a moment before he finally replied, "Beckett, you do not want to have this conversation."
"Sure I do. I wouldn't be asking if I didn't want to."
"Believe me, you don't."
"Yes I do!" She yelled at him, "Now talk to me!"
Castle was startled by the forceful tone. He was used to being the one getting her to open up but suddenly the roles were reversed and she didn't want to take no for an answer. He reluctantly took a seat in the corner of the elevator opposite of Beckett. He knew that if they had this conversation odds were 6:5 or pick em' that it would be the end of them. Castle looked at the waiting Beckett and let the events of the last four years play through his mind. He was unsure how to start this conversation. Finally, he decided it was best to just dive in and ask the question that had been nagging at him for the last few weeks.
"Kate . . . why do you think so little of me? I know I'm far from perfect but after all this time, all we have been through together, why do you think I am a fool?"
Beckett's mouth was agape. She was stunned. She could see the hurt on Castle's face and knew she had injured him badly, but as she wracked her brain could not fathom what she had said or what actions she had taken that had sent him over the edge, what would have caused him to ask that question.
"Castle, I don't know what to say."
"I know. And truthfully I feel like a fool. I'm sorry"
"Castle, I am missing something."
"Kate, its clear how you feel. I'm just sorry it's taken me this long for me to see it. You never wanted me here in the first place but I weaseled my way in and became the thorn in your side. You may have learned to deal with me but that doesn't change the fact that I didn't respect your wishes. I didn't respect your wishes when I looked into your mother's case and even though we found some answers, it put you in the crosshairs. My meddling has led to any number of perilous situations for the both of us, it led to Captain Montgomery's death and it led to an attempt on your life. I will never forgive myself for that. Know that I never meant to put you in harm's way. But-"
"Castle," Beckett cut him off, "I don't blame you for anything that has happened. And you know I care about you. It's true I may not have wanted you shadowing me at first but you must know that I value our partnership. "
Castle stopped, took a deep breath and composed himself for a moment, it was time for him to get to the point. "I do. But you also know I value you above a partner. You heard me in that cemetery and you've lied about it for a year."
Beckett was again left stunned. How did he know? He couldn't? "Castle, I didn't lie –"
"Don't Beckett! I was in the observation room, three weeks ago, while you questioned the pickpocket during the bombing case. He tried telling you some story about traumatic amnesia and you called bullshit. You told him you had been shot in the chest and you remembered every second of it."
She had her answer. She knew what had changed, what had caused Castle to pull way. She knew she had to handle this just right, find the right words. Beckett opened her mouth but, "Uh…uh..." is all that came out.
"Listen Kate, I am a big boy. Just because I felt there was something between us doesn't mean you had to reciprocate. But, you owed me the truth. It would have hurt to know you didn't feel the same way but it wouldn't have been this, it wouldn't have been so . . . cruel."
The wreckage from Castle's bombshell was strewn across Kate's face. She was drowning and needed to find solid ground, unfortunately that solid ground was usually Castle and right now he wasn't option. For the next 5 minutes they sat in silence as Beckett tried to find her voice.
"Castle, I never meant to hurt you. I didn't know what to say, I didn't know how to handle it."
"I know . . . I know. Those walls again. But its not just that you lied. Again, I know I'm not perfect but I would think after four years you would know that I'm not just the immature playboy the tabloids like to write about it. I would think after all this time you could see me as the father and friend that truly define who I am. But then you make comments like that one about groupies and I realize you only see me as some shallow person, unworthy of your . . . affection."
Tears began forming in Beckett's eyes. There was no going back now.
"Castle, that is not true! I know who you really are. I am sorry for what I said before. When I say those things, its just . . . its just a defense mechanism. I say it because I'm afraid. I am afraid that my true feelings are going to show. I am afraid that you and everybody else is going to see."
Castle's posture softened as he stared at the gently weeping Beckett.
"Kate, what were you afraid we would see? What do you mean by true feelings?"
"I was afraid because I love you."