Disclaimer: The characters all belong to JK Rowling. I created glossy-wig-stick-cream but that's all.
A/N: I can offer no explanation for this over than never start writing a Fanfiction at two in the morning. I feel I need to apologise. Sorry.
Herein Lies the Answer to the Moste Importante Question: What Happens When Nargles are Accused of Stealing Voldemort's Nose?
Luna Lovegood sat with Mr Ollivander nearby. He was sleeping leaving her to her own dreary thoughts. It hadn't been that long ago that she had been taken off the Hogwarts Express and now she was here. A prisoner in Malfoy Manor. Yet she was tougher than she came across as. She looked up as the cellar door opened.
And in came Lord Voldemort, tall and thin with eyes like a snake that glowed red in the dark and he wore a cloak as black as his broken soul. And in came Lord Voldemort and the wandmaker awoke in fear and terror.
"Mr Ollivander," the Dark Lord said, "I have questions for you on wands."
"I... I am a wandmaker," Ollivander said, "I will try and answer."
"Good," Voldemort said before turning to see Luna, "Who are you?" Luna was staring at Voldemort intently, her eyes wide and bulging.
"Your head is full of nargles."
"Nargles do not exist."
"Then why do you have no nose?"
... awkward...
Voldemort flexed his arms, "What did you say?"
"I think that the reason you have no nose is because the Nargles stole it."
Voldemort glared at the blonde and took a deep breath in to control his anger at the witch for talking about his lack of nose. He did have a nose though! Truly. It's just that it was rather flat on his face. A consequence of splitting his soul. But at least he would live forever whilst this impertinent blonde with her fabulous nose would die. And soon, he thought, if she carried on this mockery.
"Seriously though," she carried on serenely, "You really need to sort out that nargle situation. What next? If you let them take your nose then where does it stop? Your mouth? Your brains? Your hair- Oh sorry."
Voldemort touched his bald head protectively. He was rather sensitive about his general hairless state. He had used to have beautiful glossy black hair but now it was all gone. It was one of the harder consequences he had to live with. Sure he had immortality but at the cost of his gorgeous hair. What he would give for just one moment of hair-flicking glory. He gave a sniff.
"Oh dear," Luna said, "I think hair's overrated anyway Voldy, don't worry too much. It is overrated now isn't it Mr Ollivander?" She turned to the wandmaker who was sitting awkwardly on the bench, unsure how this situation had arisen.
"Oh yes," he said quickly as Voldemort looked over to him desperately, "Yes yes hair is so very much effort to look after and isn't worth it really."
"Severus and Lucius have gorgeous hair." Voldemort said sadly. He looked very melancholy, staring down at the floor sadly.
"Yes but they won't live forever like you will." Luna said helpfully.
"Yes I suppose," Voldemort said, "But I just wish... I wish..."
"What do you wish? By admitting what you wish for is one step along the road to getting it."
"I always wanted to be a hair model."
"Really?" said Luna
"A hair model!" exclaimed Mr Ollivander.
"Yes." Voldemort replied.
"As in the TV adverts," Luna asked, "Like L'Oreal Paris; cos you're worth it?"
Voldemort nodded sadly, "Lucius did an advert like that once. I watched it with all the other Death Eaters and laughed. Everyone teased Lucius the whole week after because I laughed but I really was jealous. He looked so amazing in it, flicking his beautiful blonde locks around." Voldemort, the Dark Lord had started crying, "It's all I've ever wanted and then Lucius did it. It should've been me! I was so annoyed and that's why I made his son kill Dumbledore; to punish Lucius for living my dream! It's all I've ever wanted."
"There there," said Luna coming over to him and patting him on the arm, "Have you ever considered a wig?" Voldemort paused in his sobs.
"No," he said, "How would it stay on?"
"You could always use glossy-wig-stick-cream." Ollivander put in helpfully.
"Yes," Voldemort said happily, "Yes I could." And with that he hurriedly left the cellar.
Bellatrix was very confused when her Lord brushed past her demanding a wig. Luna and Mr Ollivander were left in the cellar in silence.
"I always knew nargles would change the world." Luna said happily. Ollivander looked at her like she was mad. Or perhaps, he thought vaguely, the whole world had gone mad.
And that was how the Death Eaters evil reign ended. With Voldemort becoming a hair model. He had many wigs but his favourite was his long blonde wig. It was longer than Lucius' hair and he felt like such a princess whenever he wore it.
He strutted onto the set, his long locks flowing. And here it was, the best moment of the whole thing. Voldemort flicked his head to the side, allowing his long blonde tresses to flow out behind him. He looked directly at the camera and said the blessed words.
"Because you're worth it." At the bottom of the TV screen appeared some words: Lord Voldemort, ex-Evil Bad Guy Whose Name Was So Feared It Couldn't Be Said So For Ages He Was Referred To As You Know Who, uses glossy-wig-stick-cream because he's worth it. Are you?
"I really don't know what to say," said Harry sitting on set in front of the camera, "Without glossy-wig-stick-cream I'd probably be dead... twice over."
AND THEY ALL LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER
THE END!