FUN WITH FERRETS, WEASELS, AND POTTIES

a SLIGHTLY INACCURATE ACCOUNT OF THREE WIZARDS' LAST YEAR AT HOGWARTS SCHOOL OF WITCHCARFT AND WIZARDRY

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, Harry Potter, or "Harry Potter".

Chapter One – Harry Potter, meet bRIDGET

Harry Potter, The Boy Who Lived, defeater of the Dark Lord four times, famed youngest seeker in a century in his first year, tripped and swore very loudly. "Language, Potter." drawled a voice above him.

"Shuddup, Malfoy," Harry Potter spat, lifting himself from the floor.

"Why do we always call each other by our last names?" Ron wondered aloud.

Malfoy looked at him exasperatedly. "Because it's a sign of resentment, you pig-faced, red-haired buffoon."

They stood in silence, at a loss for words. Harry Potter wasn't sure what to say next. He settled for, "Shuddup, Malfoy," again.

A pretty brunette walked over to them. Harry Potter had never seen her around the school before. Her arms were crossed, blocking view from the house crest on the Hogwarts uniform, so he couldn't tell what house she was in. "Aren't you going to going to introduce me to your charming friends, Draco?" She put her arm around Malfoy's, and eyed Harry Potter and Ron from under long eyelashes, giving Ron a wink.

"No." Malfoy said.

Her arm left his. "Oh, then shall I tell them you wet the bed?"

Malfoy looked quickly at Ron and Harry Potter, who were covering smiles. "That's a lie. Who told you that?"

"My brother," she answered calmly, "Who else? Oops, was that a secret? My bad."

"It's a lie. You're lying."

She raised her eyebrows at him. "Do you really think so? You think my thick-skulled brother could come up with that? You're funny, Draco. You're stupider that I thought. And thought that wasn't possible."

Malfoy mouthed words, but no sound left his mouth. Ron burst into giggles, stuffing his fist in his mouth to quiet himself. "Well, I need to jet. Call me, okay Ron?" The girl said. She did a little wave; Harry Potter glanced at the now visible house crest. "You're in Slytherin!" he exclaimed.

She gave a little smile and said, "I know." She marched towards Ron, leaned over, and whispered something into his ear, as he jumped. She then left them.

Ron gaped after her. Harry Potter asked his friend, "What'd she say?"

Ron shook his head. "'Nice ass.' She said, and squeezed my bum!"

Harry Potter did not believe this. "You're joking!"

"I'm not," Ron assured him. He stole a peak back at the girl. "I don't even know her name," he realized. "What did she say about her brother?"

Harry Potter didn't know. "I don't know," he said.

"I'm still here, you know." Malfoy reminded them.

To everyone's surprise, Ron grabbed Malfoy by the lapels of his uniform and lifted him off the floor. "Who is she?" he demanded of Malfoy, who wet himself.

"She'd Goyle's older sister. A seventh year. Her name is Bridget."

"Bridget." Said Ron adoringly, dropping Malfoy.

Malfoy, who did not like to be put in fear of his life so much so that he soiled himself, then being dropped on the floor of the Great Hall like a forgotten rag doll, said in protest, "Ow."

"Shuddup, Malfoy." Harry Potter said absently.

It gets better as you go. Well, If by better I mean more crazy, which I do. Next chapter is a chick fight, Lou, and Ron's tongue.