A/N: Hey guess who got into Homestuck? Hint: It's me. Have some update fanfic for Roxy's birthday!
Your name is Roxy Lalonde, and you're happier than you've ever been.
Sure, you're playing a game you never wanted to be a part of in the first place. And sure, there are creatures out there that probably want you dead.
But you've never felt more alive.
You used to wake up every morning feeling empty. Another day, another drink, another thousand reminders of your ever present loneliness.
…And then maybe another drink.
But everything's different now. For the first time in a long time, you're as sober as the day you were born, and you have to admit, you kind of like the feeling. You like that your hands are free to do whatever they want now that they're no longer constantly choking the neck of a bottle.
You like being able to stand straight up without wondering if you'll be able to catch yourself when you inevitably fall.
But most of all, you like the clarity sobriety gives you- the feeling of being in the moment, being real, being there. Drinking gave you an excuse to ignore the world around you, and for the first time in your life you don't want it.
You don't need it. Because now you've got something that can fill you up better than vodka ever did, something that you never thought you of all people would ever have.
You've got a family. A pretty damn good one if you do say so yourself. (And you do, frequently.)
As you throw some colorful streamers around the deck, you feel a sudden rush of excitement. This time tomorrow, the party will have begun, and for the first time in what feels like forever your three favorite people in all of the many universes that you're now sure exist will be with you.
Jake. Dirk. Jane.
You love them all so much.
Jake, with his goofy adorable smile and rugged adventuring skills.
Dirk, with his chill bro shades and creepy-but-sort-of-endearing machine fetish.
Jane, with her sweetheart smile and kickass baking prowess.
You look over at Jane now. She seems to be talking to someone, and you think you're probably right in guessing that it's Jake.
Jake.
You haven't spoken to him in a long time, which you guess is understandable considering his new relationship status. According to Jane, he sure does like talking about the whole thing.
Just not to you.
You wonder how Dirk's doing.
Dirk.
He's probably the only one who could really understand exactly why your friends are so important to you. You haven't forgotten that you aren't the only one who grew up almost completely alone. Come to think of it, it's been awhile since you spoke to him, too. You wonder if he's contacted Jane recently.
Jane.
Oh, damn. Looks like that conversation's not going well.
You've never seen Jane so mad. Her face is bright red, her hair's flying everywhere, and she's yelling at the top of her lungs. You wonder what Jake did this time, but it doesn't take a genius to figure it out.
Jake.
You find it sort of funny how you used to have a thing for him. Not that you still like him. Of course you don't. He's Dirk's boyfriend, after all, plus Janey still has that MASSIVE crush on him. You'd never even dream of doing anything that would potentially hurt any of them. It's okay, really. You're fine as long as they're happy.
Jake. Dirk. Jane.
Jane's screaming up a storm now, frosting's flying everywhere, and OH SHIT DID SHE JUST FLIP THAT TABLE?
Fuck.
On the bright side, it looks like Janey finally stopped taking the Boyfriend shit.
On the down side, you just heard her say that the party is cancelled.
As Jane stomps the shit out of her headset, you decide it's time for some bffsy intervention. You nod to Fefeta and make your way over to Jane, determined to fix things with some much needed cheer because goddamnit your family is not allowed to fall apart without your permission.
But now Jane's yelling at you and you realize that maybe she needs a little less cheer and a little more talk, so you change tactics in a flash, choosing to ramble instead about your friends.
Jake. Dirk. Jane.
It's not working and now she's getting even madder and all of a sudden you're terrified, terrified that Jane will start hating you, or hating Jake, or both.
Jake. Dirk. Jane.
And you feel like shit because all along you knew, somewhere in your heart, that Jake would never work out with Dirk, and you know you must be a crap friend for not talking to Dirk about it, and now Dirk may start hating Jake, or Jake will start hating Dirk, and pretty soon nobody will be talking to each other at all and you'll be alone again, alone with your thoughts and your fears and your alcohol, and you have no idea what you're saying anymore but shit it's definitely the wrong thing because the look Jane's giving you is murderous and now she's opening her mouth again and-
Oh.
You feel your heart sink.
Down
Down
Down
And now you can't think of anything to say. So you just sort of stutter out a pathetic "I had a problem".
No shit you had a problem. You know that. You probably always knew that. You just never had a reason to care before.
But now you do. And it all means nothing.
Jake. Dirk. Jane.
And now she's apologizing and you know she must feel so damn sad and you just want to hug her but you doubt that's what she wants right now.
Jake. Dirk. Jane.
You try to stop her but she's off, rolling and tumbling and jumping and before you know it she's gone and you're alone with a sprite, some chess guys, your thoughts, and your-
Instinctively, your hand reaches out for the bottle.
Obviously it's not there. You're done with all that.
Jake. Dirk. Jane.
But maybe you shouldn't be. Jane said it herself, you're better off drunk.
Jake. Dirk. Jane.
You've stayed sober partly for yourself. But mostly for your friends.
For your family.
Jake. Dirk. Jane.
So what are you supposed to do now?
Jake. Dirk. Jane.
You look around the balcony. The streamers just look wilted now. The cake's all gone at this point, devoured by the chess guys. The birthday girl isn't coming back anytime soon.
Jake. Dirk. Jane.
This was supposed to be a party.
Jake. Dirk. Jane.
And boy, do you know how to party…
Jake. Dirk. Jane.
You take one step towards the door. Two.
Jake. Dirk. Jane.
Suddenly the world goes blurry, and you're wondering how it's possible that you're already drunk when you realize it's just tears clouding your vision.
Jake. Dirk. Jane.
All you want is for the emptiness to go away. You want to feel whole again.
Jake.
You try to remember how it felt.
Dirk.
To be so full of alcohol that you didn't need anything else.
Jane.
And suddenly you're certain.
Completely certain.
Jake. Dirk. Jane.
This isn't what you want.
Not anymore.
Jake. Dirk. Jane.
Because now that you know what it feels like to be complete, really and truly whole, you know that you can never go back. There's no returning to playing pretend, trying your hardest to fool yourself into thinking that this is enough, that maybe if I take one more drink, just one more sip, things will be okay.
You stop walking and sit down shakily, right there on the ground.
And you cry.
Jake.
Dirk.
Jane.
Your name is Roxy Lalonde.
And you've never felt more alone.