Disclaimer 1: We do not own Harry Potter, or his sanity, or his relatives, or his owlet, or his magicness, but we do own his insanity, the idea, the magical fish, the sorta existent but not really plot and the cheese of sanity.
Disclaimer 2: although this was published on my account it was co-written by Calypsed so... all flames will go to her
Disclaimer 3: lastly, enjoy, die of insanity, you can't stop us from writing muahahahaha
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Harry Potter was a little boy who lived with his parents, and his uncle and aunt Petunia. Oh and we can't ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, forget his pudgy, porky, piglike, cousin Dudley Petunia who was loved all the same because he fetched Frisbees. Anyways these... one, two, tree, four, five... six Petunias lived in a small white cottage surrounded by flowers and red petunias across the plains, across the lake and across sea.
Harry Potter knew that he was a lizard. And his parents were lizards too. But his cousin Dudley and Uncle and Aunt Petunia were muggers and were not lizards. Harry Potter knew from looking at his parents that being a lizard meant that you lived an unreasonably long time (because his parents were 25 and that was old) and that you could use magic. And he always reminded his piggy cousin Dudley Petunia that muggers did not use magic.
One day, Harry decided to go into the Pentunia-ish kitchen to find a nice happy and of course delicious meal. In the refrigerator there were stacks and stacks and stacks of moldy cheese.
"Oh my god! All the cheese is rotten." Of course little boys were not supposed to use such harsh language. And the minute his Aunt Petunia heard such harsh language, she said to him,
"Why you potty wee Potter lizard Potter boy! Who taught you such harsh language?" and with that she whacked him around the head with a Frisbee. Then Dudley Petunia came in and yelled,
"Petunia Mother or Mother Petunia, I am hungry!" Aunt Petunia chucked the Frisbee out the window and Dudley went to fetch it but because they were living near a lake, he fell in and started drowning.
"Mother of Pearl! Your child is drowning!" screeched Harry Potter's mother as she came running in.
"My son is Dudley, not Pearl." Said Aunt Petunia.
"Oh, yes. What did I say?" mumbled Harry's mother.
Dudley was now unconscious and was about to go down when a magical fish popped out of the lake and cried,
"Oh, say can't you see? By the dawn's early light, this wee beasty is drinking up the precious water!" and popped back into the water after throwing Dudley Petunia back into the water again. On one hand, he was out of the lake, on the other he was now in the sea.
"Tea love?" grinned James Potter, the lizard father of the young lizard Harry. But then he saw Dudley being tossed out of a lake by a magical fish into the salty sea and dropped the cup of tea he happened to be holding at that particular moment. It was not that the sheer fact of a magical fish that could talk was living in the lake, it was simply impossible to believe that anything alive could possibly single finnedly lift the fat Petunia at all.
Harry yawned poking his pet owlet Hedwig straight in the eye. The fluffy, white owlet howled (or it sounded like it at least) trying to hide its abnormally enormous head under her nonexistent wings. For a moment she succeeded but Harry poked her in the eye again with his squishy childlike fingers and made her eye bleed. Trying to see what made his pet's eye color change he did notice a flailing of a peach colored, blubber covered, tub of lard screaming bloody murder.
At that moment, the refrigerator exploded and the Petunias and Harry Potter bellyflopped into the water as the room made a whining noise and crashed. The Petunias and Harry Potter were safe from the explosion but Dudley had started drowning again. (Uncle Petunia had been shot out of the house by accident, of course.)
The wee Harry conjured a large blue banana out of the remains of the fridge and each of them got on the large blue banana and started flowing away across the sea and onto the lake. The magical fish flopped out again and started singing again but James Potter through an imaginary dinner plate at him and the magical fish started sinking, making a distinct farting noise.
"Mother, I'm feeling heavy…" whined Dudley as he started climbing a bit higher on the blue banana. Before Dudley's mother could answer, the banana popped out of its peel, making a squirting noise and Dudley and Harry and everyone else was propelled backwards by a non-existent windmill.
Dudley started drowning again but the magical fish was now gone and nobody wanted to risk going down with the porky, piggy, pudgy and pudding-like Dudley Petunia.
"Good god!" said Vernon Petunia. "My good clothes are soggy like toast!"
"And there's absolutely no tea" muttered James Potter feeling a bit miserable. Harry was cradling his white owlet to his chest who seemed madly intent on pecking his four... five... does thumb count as a finger? Well it tried to peck his hand off and Harry was busy trying to poke her bleeding eye.
"You're son is drowning Petunia" said Lily Potter dreamily vaguely wondering where her nail polish was.
"My son doesn't drown Lily, he can swim." Snapped Petunia who was irate of the premature death of her lovely summer dress that made her look like a bunch of spring beans tied together with tiny peas as a faint imitation of a face. Miraculously Dudley managed an elephant seal impression (only Merlin knows how Dudley knew about elephant seals) and beached himself on the shores of the lake between the plains and the sea, oh and don't forget the white cottage.
In the end this was what made James Potter, a lizard, to move his family and all his relations to Creepy Hollow, Aisle ten. He made a few complaints about the headless horseman but stopped seeing how it got jammed between a fence with his horse barking like a bulldog his in-laws seemed so fond of.
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Disclaimer... Author's Note: Before you say it, we have read the book so don't bother correcting us on some terms