Chapter I

The Leading Authority of the Entire Freaking Universe

Ron Weasley, in the time before those delightful producers gave him a bit of a belly and his hair started thinning - no, it had started thinning a bit it just wasn't noticeable yet - was sitting in the Leaky Cauldron enjoying a glass of Ogden's finest. Ogden's finest beverage for drowning your sorrows, maybe. Hermione came up to up him, took a seat across from him. He gave her a questioning look.

"They're with your mother." She answered, talking about the children. They were still only babies after all, Rosie was eight and Hugo six.

"I can't believe what that nasty witch said about me, about us." He said aloud. "Bloody hell." Ron shook his head and his wife grabbed his hand.

"Doesn't mean it's true-" Hermione started.

"It kind of does though." Ron interrupted. "She said it and now everyone..." He paused. "Everyone knows we were having problems."

"Ron really, you can't take everything that's said to heart-" She started again.

"The woman is famous, Hermione, everyone in our world hangs off of her every word," he looked at her now, pleading, miserable. "There's nothing for it." He announced, Hermione herself looked quite upset at the words of her inconsolable husband.

"Ms Rowling has spoken, you... you have to end up with Harry." Ron announced, throwing his arms in the air in defeat. This was it, his worst fear realised, he'd believed for a minute there he'd actually be able to keep her, to compete with Harry... He was a fool. Hermione looked... Well not as upset as she should have, maybe.

"And Ginny?" She asked. "Theoretically." She added quickly at his nasty look.

"Doesn't matter does it?" He asked, "anyone actually would be great for Ginny because she hasn't really got much of a personality when it comes down to it." Ron assessed his sister. "Wasn't developed enough. Except for one outburst about not trusting everything that's written in books and pushing me to hurt you by snogging Lavender she hasn't said an interesting thing all series. I mean even in the movie they cut an important and crucial clue about the location of a Horcrux so Harry and Ginny could have a snog!?" He shook his head again. "Ginny can get back together with Dean, or Michael, I'm sure there's more ex boyfriends of hers, Fred and George wrote a song about it for Merlin's sake." He paused, considered his wife, his temper cooled and again his tone was resigned. "You and Harry will get married... take all the kids, I'd never win a custody battle against you and him." Ron missed the look on Hermione's face at the thought of looking after five young children. "Everyone will live happily ever after except me. I'll be all alone, probably be a drunk too, I'll get fat, and one day," his words caught in his throat. "One day Rosie and Hugo will start to call me uncle Ron too. I couldn't stand to hear that, I'm their dad. I'll have to go to Romania and live with Charlie!" He exclaimed, distraught. "Charlie's apartment smells like dragon dung."

"I still think you're looking too far into it Ronald." Hermione insisted.

"That's the way it would go though, isn't it?" He asked. Hermione was inclined to agree only because he was annoying her right now. That happened a lot. He could be annoying, but she annoyed him too. And it was the actual J. K. Rowling who had mentioned she would be better off with Harry, said her and Ron would need some kind of counseling to be happy together, they'd been fighting more and more, the thought had crossed her mind that her lazy, pig-headed husband wasn't really good enough for her.

"The worst part is no one ever thought of me, they're all concerned about you being happy in our marriage!" Ron continued. "It's like I don't matter at all! But I am happy, I mean, I know we've been fighting more but that will pass, I love you. And our kids, Merlin when this gets out at Hogwarts, that you should be off with their uncle, and Harry's kids what about them? The lot of them will have enough to worry about with the Order of Merlin's and the chocolate frog cards and my co-running the best joke shop in the country. They don't need a screwed up love triangle in their family too, next thing we know Cedric will come back from the dead sparkling like a fairy princess and fall madly in love with Rosie. He's way to old for her!" Ron was rambling, by this point far too drunk to be saying anything of any value at all, it annoyed Hermione when he got like this, though he didn't drink often.

"Ron really -" she began.

"Are you happy with me Hermione? Do you think we need counseling?" Ron finally asked, faced with all his worst fears and his deepest rooted insecurities.

"Well, if you're suggesting it." His wife shot, annoyed with him now, "We can start with you flying off the handle at the silliest-"

"What? But we're plenty happy!" Ron interrupted, it was enough she had said yes, never mind the reasons why, or that she was making a very bad joke.

"And you interrupt me." Hermione snapped, crossing her arms over her chest.

Ron had the grace to look guilty. "Sorry, but really? You're not happy?"

Hermione was surprised at the sincerity in his question given his intoxicated state, but she also knew him well enough to know he was actually very upset, so she really thought on his questions. It wasn't everyday the leading authority of the whole entire world told you your marriage was a mistake.

"We fight a lot." She pointed out. Ron shrugged.

"Nothing serious-"

"No, we have our fair share of serious fights." Hermione interrupted him.

"Not for ages, not since you started working later-"

"I haven't been home for you to fight with me!" She interrupted him.

"I haven't appreciate that, actually, besides, I'm not the one who picks the fights!" Ron said back. "It's always you!"

"Ronald, I do not pick all the fights!"

A laugh interrupted them. "At it again?" Harry asked sitting down next to Hermione, much to Ron's chagrin. "I heard about what she said, sorry mate, that can't have felt good. It's not true though, 'course." Harry laughed nervously.

"Ronald is actually considering what to do after I leave him for you." Hermione said, crossing her arms. Ron glared at her. Harry gave Ron a look that very clearly said 'what an idiot.'

"It's a pretty big thing. After all this time, all the planning and everything she just... It's a pretty big issue, is all I'm saying, I want you to be happy, Hermione, more than anything, even if I... I just want you to be happy." Ron defended himself.

"Well I wouldn't leave Ginny anyway, Ginny is perfect." Harry announced, as though that was the end of it.

"That's why you should leave Ginny!" Ron insisted. "She's got no personality outside being your wife and a sports writer!"

"That's a good thing, we talk about Quidditch all the time," Harry pointed out, both Ron and Hermione had a rather horrified look on their face.

"Is that really all you talk about?" Hermione asked, Harry blushed a bit.

"Hermione gets angry with me when I try to tell her about quidditch." Ron said, saving Harry from answering, "She's always too busy." Harry looked between the pair.

"Hermione doesn't like quidditch. It's like her trying to tell you about house elf rights, Ron." Harry said as though it was the simplest thing in the world.

"I do try to tell him about house elf rights. That's what started the fight last Tuesday." Hermione confessed. "If he'd just listen-"

"I was listening to the World Cup on the wireless!" Ron immediately defended himself. "I told you that! I even asked you to come and cuddle while it was on! Its not that I don't want to listen, only I was doing something."

"Stop, stop, Merlin, was that why you came to sleep on our couch on Tuesday?" Harry asked Ron, who nodded. Harry just shook his head. "I think you've convinced yourselves you have problems. You might bicker a bit but you both like to bicker? I don't like to hear it but you two seem to enjoy it."

"No" Ron said bluntly. Hermione, for the first time all night, agreed with him.

"Well why did you get together?" Harry asked. Ron answered immediately.

"She's brilliant isn't she?" He asked as though it were obvious. "And she keeps my head on straight, pretty, kind, brave, she's the best mum, I'd be lost without her. I could talk about why I love you forever Hermione."

Hermione was blushing, not realizing both her boys were looking at her expectantly.

"Hermione?" Harry prodded, "your turn." He added.

"Oh!" She said, flustered. "You're brave too," she said, "and handsome." She added but then she started struggling. "Bit childish sometimes, and your so insecure. He still gets jealous when I talk to other men, holds grudges and mopes a lot. Too competitive and you-" Hermione stopped, Ron looked very angry. "You have a temper." She finished weakly.

"Wow." Harry said standing, he downed the rest of his drink, "I'm not going to get in the middle of this," He announced and left them.

"Ron..." Hermione said but he shook his head.

"That's it." He declared. "We're getting a divorce and we will set this right!"

Notes From the Writer

Ron is, I think, my favourite character. And I was devastated when I saw what Rowling had said, but I agree with it. I hate Ginny, so I don't really care where she goes, but I could never think of who Ron would have been with had Rowling changed her mind before that final chapter was written.

So I'm trying to figure it out! Hopefully in the most entertaining way I can so its a bit of a crack plot. Very tongue in cheek while still being slightly believable as a story.

Disclaimer, to apply to the entire story. J. K. Rowling owns the characters and situations in this story. No profit is being made from this story. Despite having Ron call her a nasty witch I'd like to clarify I do not share this view at all - his words not mine (the producers, however...)

Warnings for sexual references and language. If you feel I need to up the rating to M please let me know, sometimes its so hard to judge. Thanks for reading, I do hope you enjoy.